Sam is Here!

You will have to excuse the quietness around here and the fact that I never posted a birth announcement.

I have a toddler who likes to sit on my head and a newborn that wants the boob all the time and who poops a lot. Needless to say, it's hard to type out a post.

On Monday, August 6 at 8:53 a.m. we welcomed our son, Samuel James into the world. I did have to have a c-section, but it went wonderfully. Sam weighed in at 9 lbs, 3 oz and is 21 inches long.

I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough adjustment. Recovery has been a little tough this go-around and I'm battling some baby blues. But I just take each hour at a time and thank God that I have wonderful help in my husband and mom!

I'll post a birth story soon and how we are adjusting. But right now I have the munchies and Joe is threatening to throw his sippy cup at his brother.

Here's a bunch o' cute baby pictures!

Brand new!

He's a biggin'

Meeting my son!

Ryan holding Sam for the first time.

Finally get to hold my baby!

Joe meets his little brother

Kisses!

I think he likes him!

Best buds!

One week old!

My boys!

BABY DAY!!!

Tomorrow is baby day!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

I am so, so ready- physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I got a special blessing at Mass. I got a pedicure with a great friend. I spent some one on one time with my mom. I ate dinner with my mom, brother and his family.

It has been a wonderful, wonderful day.

I've enjoyed this past week of waiting. I've enjoyed doing all the fun things to try and induce labor naturally. It has been fun and entertaining. Lots of laughs have come out of it!

I have also enjoyed the last few days of being just a family of three. The other day Joe brought out his pillow and blanket and laid down on his little fold-out couch. Ryan and I laid next to him and cuddled and he kept giggling and looking at us. There has been lots of cuddling and tickling and laughing. It has been bittersweet.

And guess what? My little boy... who says many words- trash, cheese, hat, brush, poop, bath.. NEVER says Mommy and Daddy. Until today. When I went out with my mom he was yelling "Mommy, Mommy!" out the window. Ryan recorded it and it just breaks my heart and makes it melt at the same time.
I am at peace.

I am very much at peace. I am going into this surgery with happiness and excitement.

I cannot wait to meet my son. I cannot wait to share him with you!

Thank you for all your prayers and support!

Baby announcement to come soon..... :-)

Yesterday's Test

I forgot to update y'all on how my biophysical profile test went yesterday!

First of all, the ultrasound lady was very pleased with the fluid levels, the practice breaths and baby boy's movements. She said it is usually hard to get good measurements with a late third trimester ultrasound, but she was able to get great measurements.

She did say my placenta was showing signs of being mature, which is pretty normal at this stage. But the baby is still getting enough blood and oxygen through there so it's nothing to be concerned about at this point.

Her estimation for weight is 9 lbs 3 oz give or take 1.6 lbs. She said she doesn't think it's + 1.6 lbs and that ultrasound calcuations for this late in pregnancy are not very accurate. But considering Joe was 8 lbs 15 oz at 2 weeks early, I am not surprised at all about a big giant baby in there! She showed me his fat pad on his tummy... I can't wait to tickle that big ol' belly!

I got to see his chubby cheeks and his hand resting by his nose. I just CANNOT wait to meet this little dude!

She was very pleased with the test and said I passed with flying colors. She said she thinks I'm making the right choice to wait a few days to see if I go naturally, but wouldn't feel comfortable with me waiting far past Monday because of my placenta.

I am at peace again, especially since I know that my baby is healthy! I am so excited that soon he will be in my arms!

I am trying all the good stuff to try and coax him out naturally.

It has been fun! ;-)

Peace in this Pregnancy

"God, you are going to wait until my doctor's appointment for me to feel like you are listening, aren't you?" I asked the Lord last night during my fervent prayers.

I couldn't hear him at the time, but his answer was a resounding, "Yup."

I've been praying so hard these past couple of weeks. I've prayed for a natural birth. I've prayed for no pre-eclampsia. I've prayed for the good health of my baby and me. Most of all I have prayed to do God's will. I just had no idea what God's will was going to be.

I have been so confused and worried and I felt no comfort from God. I felt like he wasn't hearing me. I felt like he was just leaving me hanging. C-section or VBAC, Lord? What's it going to be?

I went into my doctor's appointment somewhat numb. I had a gut feeling that I would not have any progress. I was just worried that my doctor would pressure me into a c-section. I hate confrontation and am a coward.

The appointment didn't start off well. I was really nervous and anxious with a great sense of dread, even though my favorite nurse was there and she always reassures me. She took my blood pressure. Of course it was high. She said it wasn't dangerously high, but higher than it normally is. I asked her if my urine specimen was OK and she went to check on it.

When she left I broke down. I haven't cried about any of this at all. Either God's grace has given me strength or my anti-depressants have been working. I tried to calm myself down. I begged St. Gerard to help me in my hour of need. He answered my prayer- through my husband. Ryan stood in front of me and pulled out a dollar bill and a shit-eating grin and said, "I'll give you a dollar if you smile!" It was so corny and so cute and so Ryan that I couldn't help but smile. That lead us to having a long conversation about which presidents we think should be on U.S. currency and how if the movies can digitally create werewolves then they should be able to digitally create an expression on Kristin Stewart's face. I was laughing and my anxiety melted away. The nurse never came back.

The doctor came in and checked the baby's heartbeat. Perfect. I asked him about my blood pressure and urine. He said it was only slightly high and he wasn't worried at all. He said I have no swelling and look great. (THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU BABY JESUS FOR NO PRE-ECLAMPSIA!!!!) Then he checked me. There was The Look. The Look I was prepared for. He shook his head and said the presentation of the baby was just one of the crummiest positions he could be in. He apologized and said he felt so badly that things couldn't be different. He wanted so badly for me to have a vaginal birth. I could tell he felt bad about delivering bad news. I told him I had consulted with some NFP instructors and they said my due date was probably around August 5th. He agreed, but was still discouraged at how free-floating the baby is.

I took a breath and asked if we could wait to do a c-section until Monday. He was totally cool with it, especially since he was going on vacation on Thursday. He did say he wanted to a biophysical profile of the baby tomorrow to make sure everything is OK in there. I am VERY relieved to have that test because as much as I want to wait, I'm paranoid that something could go wrong with the baby in utero. He thinks the test will turn out fine.

We did an sonogram with one of the crappy office machines to make sure he was head down. He was. He showed me the big empty space where his head should be engaged.

He said for me to make an appointment with him on Monday. I told him that if I hadn't delivered naturally by then I would be willing to have a c-section. He was relieved and set me up with the appointment coordinator.

I left the appointment full of peace. Tomorrow I will get reassurance of how my son is doing inside me. I have a few days for my body to cooperate. And if not, that's OK with me. If nothing happens I will go into my c-section knowing that I tried. I waited. Yes, I could wait a couple more weeks if my due date is the 5th, but in all honesty, I don't want to wait that long. But I did wait. I tried. I can always say I tried.

And who knows, maybe in these next few days my body will cooperate. Maybe I will get the VBAC I've always wanted. I am still praying for that. Miracles do happen. But if it's God's will that I have a c-section I will be much more at peace with it all. I won't argue with him as much.

The more and more I think about it, I'm excited. In less than a week I will FINALLY meet my son. I will get to hold him and cuddle with him and see what he looks like. Instead of depression and failure if I go in for a c-section I will have excitement. Birth is a very important part of a woman's life. But that is just a small piece of the puzzle. It's not all about labor and delivery- it's about the child. The child that God blessed me with and that I get to cherish for years and years and years.

I asked God for peace of mind and he has definitely given that to me. I got permission to wait a few days instead of being wisked away to a c-section tonight like I feared.

Things are going to work out perfectly. Yes, I pray and hope for a VBAC, but I will follow God's will. He knows best. I always seem to forget that part.

I do want to thank you all for your support and prayers. There are many of you that I have never met that are praying for me and your kindness makes me want to cry. Words can't express how much I appreciate all the love and encouragement. Prayer really does work. Really, truly.

We'll see how the next few days go! 

Overdue and Feeling Fine (?)

Yesterday was my due date.

Still no baby.

It's so strange comparing this pregnancy with my last. With Joe I was nowhere near emotionally ready to give birth. I thought I was going to a routine appointment and before I could wrap my head around it all I was being induced that night due to horrific blood pressure. It all happened so fast.

Now time is draaaaaaaaaggggingggggg on... I don't feel like anything is going on down there. I had some major nausea and frequented the porcelain throne (not to throw up...) quite a bit the other night, which some say means labor could start soon, but there's still no contractions or anything.

I feel awesome physically. My back doesn't really hurt, my feet are fine, I'm not too hot and I haven't felt any kind of pain. Yeah, I'm a little bit exhausted. I'm bummed that I can't fit into my maternity clothes anymore and wish I could wear my own clothes instead of my husband's comic book t-shirts (although their vintage-y softness is an added bonus!) I have a bit of tenderness around my navel but it only hurts when a certain toddler pushes on it with his feet in the middle of the night.

Emotionally I'm not doing so hot. I'm impatient to meet our son. I want to hold him. I want to see Joe's reaction. Today Joe was playing with his Cabbage Patch baby doll and was hugging it and kissing it. My heart melted into a soppy mess of motherly love. I cannot wait to see him as a big brother. I want to see who the baby looks like. The very first thought that popped into my head when they brought me Joe was, "Oh my goodness, he looks like Ryan!" Will this child look like me? Will he have lots of hair since he's had more time to cook? How big will he be? I want to see Ryan hold him. I want to see my nephew Max's reaction because he has been very interested in my pregnancy. I'm ready for iddy biddy diapers and breastfeeding and spit up and swaddling.

I'm anxious as to when this will all start. Will my water break today? Tomorrow? At Mass? At the store? Will I get contractions in the middle of the night?

I'm nervous about my appointment on Tuesday. I used to LOVE going to my doctor's appointments, but this one I am dreading. According to my NFP charts I think my actual due date is closer to August 5th. I have an NFP-only doctor so I am sure he will listen to my concerns. I'm just hate confrontation and worry that I will be pressured into getting a c-section. Not just because of my small hips or because of the baby not dropping, but because I am getting impatient. But really there is no medical reason for me to get cut yet.

I want a VBAC so badly. I want to feel that pain. I want to feel the power and glory of how God made the female body. I want to experience what my mother did and her mother before her. I want to see my baby right out of the chute instead of waiting. I want my husband to see his son emerge from my body. I want him to be an active part of the process.

I have been praying so so so so very hard. I know I have others praying for me as well. I want to do God's will. But I don't know what that is. Is his will that I have a c-section because if I wait any longer the baby will be in danger? Is his will for me to be patient and I will have a happy, peaceful vaginal birth? This end of pregnancy has dropped me to my knees and begged for his help. But I don't hear him. I wish he would send me an email.

Lots of women go over their due dates. I know this. But considering my history of pre-eclampsia and the fact I want a VBAC and that I'm on the small size just makes it all more nerve wracking!

Hopefully my next post will be a birth announcement. Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers! I need them!

Thank you so much!

I just want to give a huge shout out to y'all for your prayers, advice and information. I do not feel as discouraged. Knowledge is power. With my novena to St. Gerard and the prayers of my family and friends (both real life and on-line) I feel at peace. I'm just going to let it be, and let nature take its course. We'll see how I feel on Tuesday at my appointment.

I must apologize, however, for giving a bad impression of my doctor in my last blog post. He is a very pro-life, pro-VBAC, good Catholic doctor. He has always calmed my fears and stressed numerous times that it is MY choice how to go about getting a VBAC. Yes, he said some things yesterday that made me worry, but it is his job to tell me the benefits and risks of a vaginal delivery. Like I said, knowledge is power. He also stressed to me a couple times that even though it appears I may not achieve a VBAC he has said he has been proven wrong many times before. I know some people have had very bad experiences with their OB. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be. Still, I trust God, my body and my doctor.

But I still want to express my most sincere thanks to everybody who has prayed and offered advice and encouragement. I know I would totally be freaking out right now if I didn't have the power of God and of friends. THANK YOU!

VBAC Hopes Fading...

I had my 39 week appointment today. I wasn't going to get too excited because I had a feeling that nothing had changed from last week. I had no progress then.

My blood pressure and weight were fine. The baby's heartbeat was fantastic. But the look on his face when he was checking me did not give me hope. He just kind of sighed and had that "I hate to tell you this" look on his face. He informed me that my chances for a VBAC were not looking too good at this point because the baby hadn't dropped. Since we are treating this as my first vaginal birth he said that by this time in my pregnancy the baby should have been somewhat engaged in my pelvis. The baby's head is nowhere near getting to that point. That fact that he is not could possibly mean my pelvis is too small for him to get down there.

My water could break and I could dilate, but if my baby's head is not down there is a risk for cord prolapse. Or I could start to push and my pelvis won't be wide enough for the baby's head to pass through. Both of these are serious risks with having a vaginal delivery.

He said he has been pleasently surprised before with women who he was convinced were not going to be able to have a VBAC. They delivered beautifully. He talked about how delivering babies is such a crazy game and you never know what God has in store.

Even though he is doubtful I will be able to have a successful VBAC, he told me that it was still my choice. I could schedule a c-section or wait another week. I decided to wait. My due date is this Friday and my next appointment is the following Tuesday. I wanted to give my body a little longer.

I did shed a few tears while driving home but I didn't have a full break down like I thought I would. I tried looking at the bright side. If I do have a c-section, I have been through one before and know what to expect. And unlike last time I know there is a possibility of a c-section. With Joe I was in denial about having a c-section pretty much up to the point to where they were wheeling me into the O.R. And I know what the recovery is like with a c-section and I had a very fast and easy one with my first c-section.

I haven't developed pre-eclampsia so far which is a HUGE blessing. I don't know how I could take care of Joe and a newborn while battling high blood pressure. It was a huge scary ordeal for me and really took away a lot of the joy in welcoming Joe to the world.

If my pelvis is too small to deliver vaginally then thank God for modern medicine and c-sections so that my baby and I can be safe from harm.

My doctor has assured me that just because I have c-sections doesn't mean that I have to have a small family. He has on many occasions delivered a woman's fourth or fifth child by c-section with no complications.

No matter what the means are to get the baby out, the end will be the same- a precious baby to hold in my arms. 

I'm still pretty bummed. I know that there is still hope for a VBAC, but I am getting very discouraged. And even if my water breaks I will be scared that my baby hasn't dropped and complications could occur. Although my  measurements have lined up perfectly with how many weeks I am, I still wonder if my due date is off. All these doubts and questions and worries are going through my head. I still get jealous of women when I hear about their vaginal deliveries. Now I will be jealous of those women who had successful VBACs.

I am praying a novena to St. Gerard that is to end on my due date. My prayers are to keep baby and me safe and for me to accept God's will regarding VBAC/c-section. I know I have many friends and family praying for me as well, which I am very grateful for. I'm just stubborn and want God's will to conform to mine.

Who knows what will happen in the next week. Like my doctor said, who knows what God has in store for us! I'm still anxious and nervous, but God knows best.

God knows best.

37 Weeks 6 Days

I was one day shy of 38 weeks when pre-eclampsia kicked my butt and I was induced. Joe was not ready to come out so 2 days later I had to have a c-section. With that began a whole new chapter in our lives. A very terrifying, exciting, and hilarious chapter, indeed.

I am at that point in my pregnancy today. My blood pressure has been perfect so far, thank God (and St. Gerard!) So I don't think we'll be meeting our son today.

So far my doctor has been totally laid-back and awesome about my wishes for a VBAC. He said the only way he would suggest a c-section is if I'm at 40 weeks and my cervix is still long and thick. However, he stressed multiple times that it is MY choice, which I really appreciate. He is open to what I feel is best. I just pray pre-e doesn't sneak up later in pregnancy to spoil it all. I feel good knowing that I have a very open-minded doctor.

Now it is the waiting game that is killing me. I've started the exercise ball bouncing, the EPO insertion, walking and... ahem... the frequent act of renewing our marriage vows to get things somewhat started. I know it won't work unless baby is ready, but I am willing to try. I'm getting anxious. I wonder if my water will break or if I will even dilate and efface. If my labor and delivery with Joe would have been "normal" would I have been able to do it all, or would I have stalled, or Joe's heart rate get too low? Who knows. So far my doctor hasn't mentioned this baby being too big like my last OB did with Joe, so that gives me a little hope that I can squeeze him through.

Not only am I anxious about when this is all going to go down, but I'm wondering how our family will adjust from three to four. It has always been just us three. I know it will be a challenge to adjust to two. It will be different. It is just weird to think about our family growing. I've always wanted a big family, but I'm so used to just one child that I don't know what to expect with two.

I often wonder how I will be able to handle two children. I already have experience with a newborn, so I don't think I'll be quite as petrified as I was with Joe. However, with newborn Joe I had only him to focus on. Now I will have a newborn AND Joe. I keep feeling like I'm going to forget something, like how to breastfeed. I feel like there's something I need to buy, but I don't know what it is. I'm so ready to meet this baby, but anxious, too.

I've been feeling guilty because I know my attention will be divided between Joe and the new baby. I've been so tired lately that I haven't had much energy to do anything, let alone play with Joe. I already feel like I am neglecting him by putting in a movie while I get some rest. I know the greatest gift you can give a child is a sibling and there are many times I see him interacting with other kids and can't wait to see him with a little brother.

This baby will be loved, no matter how unsure or scared we are about expanding our family. It might be scary, but I know it will be exciting to see our family grow.

The past few weeks Ryan, Joe and I have taken evening rides in our van. We get some ice cream at McDonalds or Sonic and just ride around. I enjoy these outings as a family and I can't wait to add another member to our summer cruises.

I just wish he would hurry up!

Freaking Out..

34 weeks

Sigh...

I had my regular doctor's appointment today. They weighed me and I didn't look at the scale, as usual. Then I went into do my urine sample. I was quite impressed at how clear it was. All that water drinking was paying off.

I went into the room and the nurse took my blood pressure. It was 126/73. Just the fact that the top number was 6 over "normal" I freaked out. The nurse assured me that I was still within the normal limits. She even patted me on the back as I was talking a hundred miles a minute expressing my concerns.

When she left I started feeling jittery and nervous. I just felt like something was amiss. The medical student who is shadowing Dr. S came in and straight out said, "You've gained 9 lbs in two weeks and Dr. S. is slightly concerned about that, but your blood pressure is good and there's no protein in your urine." I completely broke down. All my fears of getting pre-eclampsia came rushing at me. It's almost like I have PTSD. What did I do wrong these last few weeks? Did I have one too many granola bars? Did I overeat? What did I do???

Maybe I got a little too prideful with a previous blog post about my pregnancy. But I've been exercising and drinking water.... Maybe I should have been taking calcium supplements. I know that there is nothing one can do to to prevent pre-eclampsia, but I still feel like I failed. (Even though I haven't been diagnosed at all.)

My doctor came in and said everything was fine. I do not have pre-e. Sometimes people gain a lot of weight in a short amount of time and the next week they barely gain at all. I have some slight swelling but nothing out of the norm.The baby looks perfect. He's right on track- not measuring big. But because of my history he wants me to come in weekly. That's not that big of a deal because originally I was supposed to come in in two weeks THEN start my weekly visits. So we're just starting weekly a week early.

He told me to lay on my side as often as possible and drink plenty of fluids. He assured me that things were fine.

I didn't ask him how this could affect my chances of having a VBAC. I didn't want any more possible bad news. Of course I will do everything I can to keep baby and me safe, but I just feel like everything is falling apart.

Who knows... perhaps next week will be just fine. I'm already having struggles with turning to God for help, so this whole situation is especially hard. So any prayers at all would be greatly appreciated. Everything is fine right now. I just worry way too much and see the negative. That's why I listen to this song over and over again.

Pregnancy Body Image and Pre-Eclampsia Fears

Last Friday I reached the 30 week mark in my pregnancy. Never before have I looked at my ankles so much. 

Why? 

Well, let's take a looksey at what my ankles looked like at 30 weeks in my last pregnancy: 

Yeeeaaaahhh... 

I was at my 30 week point when I started to swell significantly. I knew it looked bad at the time, but when I look back at photos I am in complete shock. Oddly enough, my blood pressure was perfect when I started to swell. It wasn't until 38 weeks that my blood pressure spiked. 

I have big fears about getting pre-eclampsia again. It is super serious and can be deadly. That part has always scared the living bejesus out of me. But it also took away some of the joy of bring a new life into the world. It was hard to bond with Joe because I was in such bad shape. After his birth, all the attention was directed toward me because my blood pressure was spiraling out of control. I would have rather had attention for birthing a freaking adorable baby boy. I was confined to the bed and recovering from a c-section and dealing with the nurses freaked out looks every time they took my blood pressure. It was not enjoyable.

I thank God I didn't really feel any of the affects of high blood pressure. There were no headaches, no spots in my vision. I did feel anxious but that's because I was afraid I was going to die and I also had to worry about keeping an infant who totally depended on me alive. It was a rough experience physically and emotionally. 

I've talked with my previous OB and my current OB about my guilt that I brought pre-eclampsia on myself. They both assured me that I had not. They have seen women who are perfectly healthy, eating all organic, and working out everyday getting pre-eclampsia. 

I still resolved that I would not follow the same habits I did when I was last pregnant. For breakfast I would eat Cap'n Crunch or some other high-sugar cereal. Now I eat Multi-grain Cheerios. For lunch and supper I would usually eat a can of spaghettios or a Hungry Man frozen dinner because Ryan worked strange hours and I ate by myself. Now for lunch I always have two PB&J's. Since Ryan works regular hours we always have a home-cooked meal for supper. It's not all natural or organic, but it's not from a can. In my last pregnancy my snacks usually consisted of oatmeal cream pies, sour cream and onion chips and popsicles. Now I snack on fruit, cheese, granola bars and fruit snacks. My before-bedtime snack used to consist of practically a whole bag of mini chocolate donuts and a big glass of chocolate milk. Now it's usually fruit. Lately it's been applesauce. 

In my previous pregnancy I did not exercise at all. I remember at around 13 weeks, when the weather started getting nice, I attempted to walk everyday but I got bad shin splints. Instead of working through them or trying another exercise I just gave up. The only activity I really did was clean house. This pregnancy I've been trying to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Of course I'm a lot more active chasing around a crazy toddler. 

I could be doing better. I could be eating more in moderation. I could be exercising a little harder. I've still gained a nice amount of weight. But I think I'm doing a lot better than last time. Here is my ankle at 30 weeks this pregnancy: 

If you ignore the super-sexy flip flop tan line you can see I STILL have ankles! Although, I like my flip flop tan line because it is proof I am going outside and being active and I'm still wearing my trusty old size 6 flip flops. In my last pregnancy I had to search for a size 7 around 25 weeks because my feet were swelling that much. 

I really credit doing Weight Watchers before I got pregnant. I was overweight when I got pregnant with Joe, but with this baby I was in a healthy weight range when we conceived. Weight Watchers also taught me how to eat better and I've carried most of it into this pregnancy. 

A lot of people have commented on how good I look. Some people have said when they look at me straight on they can't even tell I'm pregnant (I think they need their eyes checked, but it has happened on three different occasions.) It's nice to get compliments instead of what I got in my last pregnancy. "Wow, I didn't recognize you! Your face is so full!" Not a good idea to say that to a hormonal pregnant lady.

I feel a lot better this pregnancy. Last time I was so tired and big and swollen that it hurt to walk around and even get out of my chair. My feet would hurt so bad. I waddled very early in my pregnancy. Not this time. Thank goodness for that because Joe needs me. 

I've been somewhat obsessive this time around of my appearance. Most of it is because of my fears of pre-eclampsia. There are times after a very busy, hot day my feet have swollen a little and I freak. I immediately take my blood pressure with our home monitor and it's always perfect. I'm constantly asking my husband if my ankles look swollen.

There are times I look at other pregnant women and am so jealous. It looks like they just stuffed a basketball under their shirt. I've gotten pleasantly plump all over and it upsets me sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm the only pregnant woman that compares her body to other pregnant women. I hate reading on BabyCenter.com the message board posts of how much weight a woman has gained in her pregnancy. I did get a little neurotic about how much weight I was gaining at the beginning of this pregnancy. There was one month I had a big jump and my jaw dropped. The nurse just laughed and said this was my month to get the big leap in weight. I didn't believe her and mentioned my concerns to my doctor. He told me he wasn't worried about it. Now I am trying to stop stressing so much.

I look in the mirror and get a little stressed about my plump face, my chubby arms, and my growing badonkadonk. But then I look at my huge belly and know that there is a reason for all this. I remember "bargaining" with God at the beginning of this pregnancy. I told him I would rather have all the aches and pains and constipation and stretch marks and I'd gladly gain 70 lbs if I could be spared from pre-eclampsia or any other dangerous pregnancy condition. I know you aren't supposed to bargain, but I thought I'd try.

I got really upset when I would read or hear people make fun of Jessica Simpson when she was pregnant. Because when I saw pictures of her, I saw me (just less stylish and less make-up.) Why do we judge other women, especially when they are growing a person? Why do we compare how much weight we've gained in pregnancy? I know she gave birth to a pretty big baby girl, but as far as I know, there were no complications. Did she feel insecure like me? Did she feel like people were talking negatively behind her back? 

I know that pregnancy isn't always pretty or beautiful. It can be scary and really take a toll on a woman. I'm not saying that I hate pregnancy. It's just hard to give up control to God. It's hard to put your pride on the back burner because not all women are built the same in pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be so vain about my appearance, but it gets scary because I associate getting bigger with swelling and getting pre-eclampsia.

It's kind of funny how I word my prayers to St. Gerard. Of course I ask him for his intercession for a healthy baby, but I also ask him to remind me to drink more water, to find the motivation to exercise and to lay off the fast food. 

So far I think he's getting through to me. :-)

VBAC Hopes and Fears

***I could have sworn I hit publish on Friday, when I inteded for this post to go out. I was beginning to wonder why I wasn't getting any comments (I'm a comment whore) and I came back to realize I didn't publish this!***

Today I enter my third trimester of pregnancy. I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has gone! I guess the days before Joe just dragged on and I had little distraction!

This past week I have been experiencing some new and different pains. I am experiencing some major Braxton Hicks. I thought I knew what they felt like from my pregnancy with Joe, but these are much more noticeable. My hips have been super sore, especially on my right side. And the most bizarre pain? This might be TMI, but I have had some very sharp, stabbing pains in my cervix/vaginal area. It feels like this little baby is trying to knife his way out. I never felt that before.

I consulted Dr. Google and these pregnancy symptoms are pretty common and nothing really to worry about. In fact, they are all pretty much indicators that my body is preparing for labor. And this might sound crazy, but I am actually welcoming these pains, because I want my body to be in prime condition to have a successful VBAC.

I had an appointment with my OB this week and I touched base with him in regards to me attempting a VBAC. He is really supportive and basically wants me to do what I feel comfortable with. I expressed concern with having a big baby and he said we won't really know until the last few weeks of pregnancy. He also said he has faith in his mothers to be able to tell if they are having a big baby. He raved about the labor and delivery nurses and how much of a support they would be. I left the appointment feeling very at peace.

I have been thinking and praying about having a VBAC since basically an hour after Joe was born. My first fear was the major risks a woman takes when trying a VBAC. The biggest risk is uterine rupture. That could result in death of the mother and/or the baby. It could also mean losing my uterus and any chance of having future children would be gone. Those risks scared me greatly. Would trying to have a vaginal delivery really be worth that? I prayed often that I make the right decision. I did my research. As of right now, I feel at ease and at peace of at least attempting a VBAC. There are risks, but the chances of those risks happening are very small. There are risks with having a c-section as well. My doctor seems to have a very level head. He isn't overly VBAC, but he is also very open to them and not pushy with c-sections. He and I are on the same page of having an open mind of what could happen.

I have been thinking about labor and delivery for a couple weeks. I still ache for that experience. A college friend of mine had her daughter a few weeks ago and she had pictures on Facebook of meeting her daughter and holding her right after she came out. The photos were beautiful. Meeting my son was just as beautiful, but it was just.. different. I wasn't the first one to see him. My doctor, husband, and about four nurses saw him and touched him before I did. I don't know why I have such a hang-up on this aspect of my birthing experience. I guess when you have something play over and over in your head for years and years and it not happen, it is just hard to handle.

I wrote a blog post when Joe was about 10 1/2 months old about my struggles with my c-section. I have healed even more since then. I still get a little jealous of hearing about amazing natural birth stories, but for the most part that devastating feeling has passed. I know it had to be done or Joe and myself could have died. God has a plan for everything.

I think what bothers me the most now is how some people out there seem to view a c-section. It is looked at with in such a negative way. After Joe was born I had a couple of people say to me, "Sorry you had to have a c-section." I know they meant nothing bad by it, but it just made me feel like a failure as a woman who just gave birth. There are women out there who are convinced there are more c-sections because the doctor is just too lazy to stick around for a very long labor or because the doctor wants to cash in because they get more money for c-sections. Pardon my French, but I think that is all complete bullshit. I am sure there are some doctors out there who are not as caring as others, but there is a reason you research your doctor and do a meet-and-greet before you labor with them.

Why is giving birth in a tree hut with monkey jungle music and candles the best way to birth? I'm even getting annoyed at those who look down upon those women who do deliver vaginally with an epidural. Does that make them wimps? Does ending up with a c-section make a woman a failure? Do these things make the birth less joyous or beautiful? Well, there are some opinions and ideas floating out there that make it seem this way.

I am keeping an open mind. If my blood pressure skyrockets again and I have to have a c-section, then I'm ready for it. At least I know what to expect and I will know that it is for the best.

I still have fears. I fear that if I do attempt a trial of labor and push and not progress and end up with a c-section that I will be depressed again. I fear that I will feel like I really failed. But I really don't think I will go down that road, because if I do get to feel the contractions and the sensation of pushing then I'll know that I tried my damndest to have a vaginal delivery. What bothered me the most with my c-section is not getting any of that experience whatsoever.

I am not afraid of uterine rupture. I am afraid of other things associated with vaginal delivery. I'm afraid he'll get stuck and not be able to breathe. I'm afraid of cord prolapse or the cord being wrapped around his neck. But those things are out of my control and I put my trust in God and my doctor and nurses.

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone. I am doing a lot better physically than I was with my pregnancy with Joe. First of all, I wasn't overweight when I got pregnant. I've been very active and eating better. I could barely get up out of the recliner at this point in my last pregnancy. I am starting to feel the aches and pains, but they aren't nearly as bad as before. Hopefully that will help in a successful VBAC.

I've been praying frequently that I open myself up to God's will. It may be that God does not intend for me to have a vaginal birth. Of course I would love to have that experience, but God knows best. I want to make the best decisions, so if you all could shoot up a prayer or two for me in regards to this whole VBAC thing, I'd appreciate it! :-)

Boy Oh Boy

Today I am 26 weeks pregnant. I've known for almost a month that I am having another boy, but I still can't wrap my head around that fact.



Long before I became pregnant with Joe I always made the semi-joking comment that I want all boys because if I have a girl and she's anything like me, then I'll be put in a mental institution. Plus, I'm not very girly-girl, so chasing around a gross dirty boy who likes super heroes sounds really fun to me!




A few weeks before we found out the gender of this newest baby I was at the park with Joe. Two little boys came with their grandmother and they were rowdy, loud and so much fun to watch (in a non-kidnapping way, of course.) They were playing "king and knight" and the oldest boy told me that he was five years old and his brother was three. They are two years apart, just like Joe and his little sibling will be. They had Lego Star Wars shirts on, skinned up knees and my heart just burst with joy thinking that I could have another boy and Joe would have so much fun with his little brother, just like these two boys were.

But I thought for sure that I was having a girl. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with Joe that I was certain I was crafting a girl in there. But when the ultrasound tech directed her wand toward the baby's nether-region I could tell immediately that there was no va-jay-jay there. It was all boy and he was showing off his goods loud and proud. Both Ryan and I were stunned. "Wow... another boy!"

Don't get me wrong- it's not like I'm unhappy that we're having another boy. Ryan and I said long ago that it would be fun to have two boys back-to-back because that would be an amazing bond. Of course, we said this before Joe started climbing everything and eating spiders. It's nice too that we won't have to buy all new stuff. Plus, I know how a boy operates, so I feel like I'm more prepared for this baby.

But part of me wonders/worries if we'll ever have a girl. As much as I love the adventures of boys I do want a daughter. But looking at my family tree on my side, the chances of having a girl look dismal. My mom's mom had six boys before she got her girl. My dad's mom had three boys. In fact, my dad's side is primarily men. My half-sister and I were the first female Munshaws in two generations. All of our cousins are boys. My sister has two boys. It even seems like most of the women that graduated from my college have a lot of boys. Maybe Ryan's side of the family will pull through because both his mom and dad's sibling groups consist of a lot of girls.

Just last weekend we were at the park again and there was a pregnant woman there with her 16 month old son. I asked her what she was having and she said she was having another boy. She also said they were done after this one because she knew if she tried for a girl then they'd have another boy. I'm not too worried yet about never having a girl. It's all in God's hands.

But I am going to order Rachel Balducci's book How do You Tuck in a Superhero? just in case I am blessed with oodles of boys!

This Pregnancy...

Hey y'all!

We had our ultrasound yesterday morning! The ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know the gender and we said yes. The screen flashed two little legs and the unmistakable image of the main male body part. I knew before the tech said anything.

We are having another boy!

I am in shock because I was so certain this was a girl. This pregnancy has been so different. I also heard somewhere that if you are under a lot of stress when you conceive it will more than likely be a girl. I was under so much stress that I thought I might have triplet girls. A friend of mine also told me she heard the old wives tale that if your toddler son acts up when you first become pregnant that it must be because you are carrying a girl. :-)

The baby looks healthy and is growing just fine! It's nice to hear the ultrasound tech say, "Beautiful, just beautiful" over and over.

I haven't really blogged much about this pregnancy besides the hardships with figuring out my doctor and insurance. I'll be 23 weeks this Friday. By the time I was 23 weeks pregnant with Joe I had oodles of blog posts written. I've been so busy with taking care of a crazy on-the-go toddler and figuring out our moving situation. I've barely had time to put together any coherent thoughts on my blog let alone write about this pregnancy.

A lot of people have been asking how I am feeling. The main complaint? Freakin' frakkin' tired. However, I am not sure how much that is the little person growing inside me or the little person I have to constantly chase down and prevent from jumping from perilous heights and breaking his neck.

I didn't have a lot of morning sickness. With Joe I prayed to the porcelain god a few times, but none at all with this pregnancy. Just an overall blah feeling the first 10 weeks.

My hormones have been waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of whack. I have been so emotional. I cry at the silliest things. I've cried at the movie Cars. (Mater: "I knew it! I knowed I made a good choice!" Lightning McQueen: "In what?" Mater: "My bes' friend." Tear City.) I've cried at Irish step dancing. There was also a time I cried at a Children's Tylenol commercial. Then I started crying when I was describing the commercial to my mom. Thankfully with most of this I start laughing as well because I know how silly I am being. My anxiety is through the roof, which is my biggest challenge. I can't remember how far along I was with Joe before I started taking a low dose of anti-depressant, but I think it's about time to talk to my doctor.

It has taken me awhile to feel this little baby boy kick. I really felt Joe moving around 20 weeks but just now at nearly 23 weeks is when I'm feeling this baby kick. I always hear that a woman feels the baby kicking earlier with subsequent pregnancies. That was another big difference with this pregnancy. But now that I'm starting to feel him squirm around in there it feels a little more "real."

So far no swelling. I didn't really start swelling until 30 weeks. I am still paranoid about pre-eclampsia, but my doctor assured me that it was nothing I did in my last pregnancy that caused it. I do not want to go through that again. It was scary and stressful. I don't know what I would do if I got it again and had to be put on bed rest with a very active and demanding toddler. I've been praying a lot to St. Gerard Majella!

I'm still hoping for a VBAC. I'll probably post more about that in the future. My doctor and I are pursing a wait-and-see approach. He has assured me that if I do have a c-section I won't be destined for just 2 or 3 kids. He delivered a woman's 8th child- all were c-sections. We definitely do not feel called to have 8 children, but it's nice to know that c-sections aren't a huge determining factor in family size.

My doctor has been amazing. He has gone above and beyond his duties to help us with our insurance concerns. He is also an amazing Catholic man and a great doctor. He has put my pre-e fears and VBAC worries to rest for the most part. It's kind of nice to hear a doctor say that he's not into modern day society's idea of 2.2 kids per family. It's also very nice hear him mention the name of God. Ryan and I talked with the business office manager about some insurance issues and she raved about how awesome Dr. S is. She said she has been working with him for years and if there was one doctor she would have by her side if she were ever in the hospital it would be him. I'm very glad I found him and hope our patient/doctor relationship continues to grow.

This pregnancy has flown by and has seemed, oh, what's the word- quiet. I don't know if it's because Joe takes up a lot of my time, but I just haven't really "felt" pregnant. But in some ways I think that is a good thing. So far no aches or pains. No pregnancy carpal-tunnel syndrome which I had in my last pregnancy and it was HORRRRRRRRRRIBLE! Not even very many stretch marks- yet! I know little Garfunkel is growing healthy and happy and that is all that matters right now. Seeing him kick and squirm and that glorious heartbeat beating along on the ultrasound machine made everything right in the world.

Hopefully I will post more about this pregnancy. I am having a very hard time adjusting to this move, as is Joe. We're having a rough time in these here parts, but I hope to get some more writing in soon!

Joe isn't looking forward to July...

As you can see, Joe is not too happy about the news that he is going to welcome a baby brother or baby sister at the end of July!

Part II: My C-Section Woes

Photo from my C-section

Part I can be found here.

Long before I was pregnant with Joe I was anti-cesarean section. Maybe the word “anti” is too harsh. I simply wasn’t a fan.

I used to always watch A Baby Story on TLC. I loved reading, watching, and seeing everything motherhood related- including pregnancy and childbirth. However, if the episode featured a woman having a repeat c-section I would change the channel. A c-section just doesn't make for a good story. You don't see characters in movies or TV having c-sections. C-sections can be so boring and anti-climactic. (I stress the word usually. I’ve heard some hum-dingers about some emergency c-sections.) Whenever I would hear of someone I knew having a c-section, I’d think, “What a bummer.”

When I became pregnant I poured over pregnancy books and magazines. I very arrogantly skipped over the parts covering c-sections. I didn’t even want to think about the possibility of having one. I focused on the nitty gritty parts of the labor process- the stages, the pain, what happens to the woman’s body and what happens to the baby. That was the interesting stuff. That was the stuff I wanted to experience.

My first fear when the doctor guessed I was going to have a big baby was not “Oh my goodness… a big baby means there is going to be tons of pain!” My fear was, “Great, now there is a bigger chance at having a c-section.” I was very apprehensive. Ryan was even getting nervous. He hated the thought of me having a c-section.

The Birth I Wanted. The Birth I Pictured.

From Day One of my pregnancy I wanted a natural birth. I know a lot of people thought I was crazy for wanting that, but that’s just what I felt most comfortable with. I did not want an epidural, but if worse came to worse I would get one if that meant I could deliver vaginally.

This might sound kind of masochistic, but I actually wanted to experience the pain of contractions. I wanted to feel what God made my body to do when it came to giving birth. I wanted to have the same experience as my mother did, and her mother before her, and so on.

I had seen births on TV and in our childbirth class, but nothing compared to seeing it happen in person. Long before I got pregnant I went to visit one of my best friends, H, while she was laboring in the hospital. I came to visit her very shortly after she had been induced, and planned on staying about 30 minutes. She was in good spirits. I even walked around the hospital with her and we caught up on our gossip. Very soon after I got there her contractions started picking up. Instead of leaving, I stayed there and held her hand through every contraction while her husband had the job of continually rubbing her lower back. She did not have an epidural and I saw all the pain she endured, but she labored beautifully. I was planning to leave when she started pushing, but everything happened so fast and I was holding her hand while she delivered her first-born son.

I cannot describe how amazing this experience was. I saw it happen, just as God designed it. It was so incredibly beautiful. I marveled at how my dear friend had used her body to bring her child into this world. I had chills as tears of happiness streamed down my face. It was the grace of God, and her blood, sweat and tears that got her to the point to see her baby.
I wanted that. Exactly that.

I wanted to feel my water break. I wanted to lose my mucus plug. I wanted that nervousness and uncertainty of “Is it time?” and calling the doctor. I wanted that exciting drive to the hospital, where Ryan and I realize that the next time we are in the car we wouldn’t be alone.

I wanted to labor. I wanted to feel the contractions. I wanted to use a labor ball (which is what my friend H used and it seemed to work very well for her.) The hospital that I labored at offered a laboring tub (not a birthing tub) and I was very open to trying that. I wanted my husband there, rubbing my back, encouraging me. I wanted a doula to walk me through the process. I wanted my iPod- I had even written a post asking for music suggestions and I had it ready to go with hundreds of songs.

I wanted the exciting/scared/anxious feeling of getting my cervix checked in hopes I would have progressed. I wanted to feel all the stages of labor.

I wanted that “Oh my gosh, here we go…” feeling when the nurse told me I had reached 10 cm and she was calling the doctor. I wanted to feel that scared feeling. I wanted to feel the adrenaline. I wanted that excited feeling of finally getting to see my son face-to-face.

I wanted my husband to be there holding my hand, and my mom on the other side also holding my hand. I wanted to push, push, push, push. I wanted to feel my baby leave my body. I pictured looking down and seeing this ooey, gooey, bloody baby who happened to be the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. I wanted to be one of the first ones to lay eyes on my child. I wanted my baby laid on my chest. I pictured him laying there crying, me sobbing hysterically and cradling his warm body next to mine. I pictured my husband crying, as well as my mom. I pictured beauty, happiness, a sense of peace. I wanted to be the first person (besides the doctor) to hold the person I had been carrying for 9 months. I wanted Ryan to get to cut the cord.

I wanted to hold my child seconds after he had entered the world. I wanted to marvel at him, cry with him, and comfort him. I wanted that moment. I know the whole labor and delivery process is long, painful, and difficult, but I wanted it all. I wanted to feel what my body was designed to do. The birth of a child is a huge, life-changing and momentous event in a woman’s life. It is a key factor in transforming a woman into a mother. My heart ached for this feeling long before I was even married. It was part of my vocation to be able to give birth naturally.

Holding on to Hope

My hopes and dreams for the birth of my child were not meant to be. As soon as my doctor mentioned an induction I knew that meant the possibility of having a c-section was increased. I knew the chances were even greater because my blood pressure was so high. But I still held onto the hope that I could deliver naturally.

I was induced Tuesday evening. They placed Cytotec in my cervix and the waiting game began. I was placed on a fetal and contraction monitor. The nurse said I was having regular contractions and I should be feeling them. I didn’t feel a thing during the entire process. I might have felt one slight twinge, but that could have been gas for all I knew.

I was checked a few hours later. No progress. I was checked Wednesday morning- still nothing, so we tried another round of Cytotec. They also tried Pitocin. I was then placed on the magnesium sulfate that I mentioned in my pre-eclampsia post to prevent me from seizing due to my sky-rocketing blood pressure. The bad thing about being put on this stuff was that magnesium sulfate is also used to prevent women from going into premature labor. So here I was on Pitocin to get me to go into labor AND the mag that prevents labor. Which one would win out? I held onto the hope that the induction would work.

I didn’t feel any of the contractions. I felt nothin’ “down there.” But I suppose my “labor pains” came from the magnesium sulfate. My face was on fire and my whole body felt flushed. I felt sick to my stomach and had aches all over my body- like having a fever. It felt like a bad hangover and still feeling loopy. The worst part was I wasn’t allowed water. I was barely allowed ice chips. I was so so so so so so so very thirsty. I was getting fluids from the IV, but I just wanted something to quench the bone-dry thirst in my mouth. I also wasn’t allowed to eat so I was starving. It was torture. The room was pretty much as cold as it could be and I was still beyond hot. Ryan kept putting ice cold wash cloths on my head, but the refreshing coldness would only last a minute or two.

My labor pains also consisted of being on bed rest. They had to insert a catheter which was also torture. It was such a painful and uncomfortable feeling. It took a couple hours for me to get used to the catheter. I hated being confined to the bed. I couldn’t lie on my back because I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t lie on any one side for too long, but in order to roll on my other side I had to call a nurse in to help me switch the blood pressure cuff that was now a permanent fixture on my arm. The annoyance of bed rest and the extreme uncomfortableness of being on the magnesium sulfate got worse and worse throughout the day.

That afternoon I was checked again and still nothing. The nurse informed me that the doctor would probably come in and suggest a c-section. I broke down in despair. Thankfully, my doctor was understanding and said he would allow me to continue the induction overnight and see what happened.

I was so relieved. I felt I had few more hours of hope that the Pitocin and Cytotec would do its job. I begged God that a miracle would happen. Miracles happen all the time, right? It wasn’t like I was asking to have my sight or hearing restored. I just wanted a birth the way God intended it.

Wednesday night was horrible. I got absolutely no sleep. The mag was killing me. The bed rest was killing me. I was completely uncomfortable. I started to despair every time the nurse came to check on me and I hadn’t progressed at all. All hope for the birth I wanted was lost. Around 4:00 a.m. I was tempted to have the nurse call in my doctor and just get it all over with and get the c-section. What was the point of waiting?

When my doctor came in to check me around 8:00 I prayed and begged that some miracle had occurred and I would have progressed some. No such luck. As soon as Dr. M checked me he said he didn’t want to wait any longer. I unhappily agreed.

Dashed Dreams

I didn’t really have time to be afraid or nervous. It took about 20 minutes from the time Dr. M said, “C-section” to the time I was wheeled into the O.R. Thankfully in that short amount of time my priest came by and prayed with us and gave us a blessing. I am convinced that God sent his grace over me and I was at peace. I was still very emotionally numb. I wasn’t even excited about finally getting to see my son. It was like I was going down to get an ultrasound- nothing felt special.

I remember being wheeled into the O.R. It was so bright and cold. Very steel-y. Everyone there was in scrubs, surgical masks and hairnets. I couldn’t tell who was who. I could barely recognize my own doctor.

Everything happened so fast. I got my spinal block, was laid down and before I knew it they said they were cutting. They warned me as they were getting Joe out that I would feel a lot of pressure and tugging. I did not feel one single thing. I heard Joe’s little cry and tears filled my eyes. They didn’t lift Joe up over the sheet that was blocking my view from my innards- they took him straight to get him cleaned up. Everyone else in the room got to see him before I did.

Less than 30 minutes ago I was wheeled into the O.R. Now I had a baby. I just laid there in shock listening to the nurses talk about Joe and listening to him whimper. I started getting the shakes and feeling very queasy. Finally they brought Joe to me. Before I could get all emotional I started to vomit. Great… my son sees me for the very first time and I’m barfing all over myself. Nice.

I believe I would have handled my c-section a lot worse than I did if it weren’t for the awesome post-op policies the hospital had for c-sections. Most hospitals require the woman to recover in a separate room and she isn’t allowed to hold her baby for about an hour after the c-section. The hospital I was at believed it was very important for the woman to develop a bond with her baby as soon as possible. I recovered in the comfort of my hospital room and was able to hold Joe as soon as they put the brakes on my bed after they wheeled me in. No visitors were allowed for an hour while I recovered. It was just my nurse, Ryan, Joe and I. I am so thankful for that experience. I didn’t really have time to think about my lost birth plan. I soaked in that precious hour with my new little family.

However, my happy feelings dissipated as the afternoon came on. I was suffering from bone-crushing exhaustion, dealing with my nervousness and uncertainties with breastfeeding and handling this new little baby and my still sky-high blood pressure.

The days following Joe’s birth were filled with bitterness and fear. All I could think about was my c-section and blood pressure. I remember the first time I got to walk the halls after finally getting off bed rest and hearing the nurse talk to someone on the phone She was asking the caller how far along she was, how far apart the contractions were, if her water had broke, etc. I remember hearing a woman in the room next to me delivering her baby. I heard screams, yells, coaching and soon the cries of a new born baby. My heart broke. I felt sick to my stomach with sadness.

I wish so badly that things would have turned out differently. I wanted to be the woman who called in with contractions. I wanted to be the woman who screamed out in her labor pains. Why didn’t I get that experience?

Thankfully Dr. M did a very good job with my c-section. Many nurses exclaimed how wonderful my incision looked and bragged that Dr. M was one of the best c-section doctors they had ever worked with. My incision was healing nicely and I didn’t really experience any pain.

The days following my release from the hospital were difficult. It was hard enough adjusting to the new role of mommy, but I just could not shake my sadness of having a c-section. More than one person said to me, “Sorry you had to have a c-section.” Sorry? Aren’t we supposed to be having feelings of happiness and elation over the birth of a baby? People were “bummed”… just like I used to be when I heard of a woman I knew having a c-section. I hated that negative feelings were tacked on to the birth of my son.

Thankfully I didn’t experience much pain from the surgery and healed quickly. Breastfeeding was going very well for Joe and me, so I was thankful for that. I would have been much more messed up if I didn’t have those bright spots in my life.

The weeks following Joe’s birth were chalk-full of post-partum hormones. That added to the crushing sadness. One of my best friends called me soon after Joe was born to see how I was doing and how I liked being a new mom. I immediately burst into tears and all I could talk about was how sad I was at having a c-section. We couldn’t talk long because Joe started crying in the other room. My friend was probably thinking, “Thanks, baby! You got me off the hook from talking with your crazy mother!”

There were times I couldn’t stop thinking about my c-section. I would re-live it in my head over and over. When I would shower and wash over my scar I would think about how I felt like I had been slaughtered like a cow. I was so angry that things didn’t work out. I had begged and pleaded with God in the hospital to let me birth naturally. Why didn’t God answer my prayers? God does the impossible- couldn’t he just let me have the birth I wanted? I started feeling very resentful towards God. I was also resenting other women's experiences of giving birth naturally. There were women I knew that had serious medical complications, women who were pregnant with twins, women who were skinnier than a board who were able to deliver naturally. Why the hell couldn’t I? I couldn’t read anybody’s birth stories on blogs and it was very difficult to hear other women’s stories as well. I remember reading all these awesome, heart-warming stories of peaceful births while I was pregnant and ached for those experiences. My heart raged with envy and sadness.

My sadness developed into fear. I was now severely limited to how many children I could have due to having a c-section. I don’t really feel called to have seven or eight kids, but I’d still like to have a hand-full. However, since the chances of me having repeat c-sections are very high, having a lot of babies puts me at risk. I immediately thought that God didn’t think I had it in me to be the mother of many children and this was his way of stopping it before it happened. I felt like a failure as a woman. My body had failed me and I was afraid it was because I didn’t take very good care of myself. If only I had not eaten such crappy food and exercised more and drank water. Then I wouldn’t have gotten pre-eclampsia and I wouldn’t have had to endure all this. I played the “What If” game constantly.

It’s one thing to go into labor and push for hours and hours and not progress and then have to have a c-section. But I didn’t get any of that. No water breaking, no excitement of dilation, nothing. I felt no labor pains whatsoever. I didn’t even come remotely close to having to push. I didn’t even feel the pressure when they took Joe out of me. The only pains I got were from the magnesium sulfate and I think I would have rather dealt with the contractions. I didn’t experience one iota of the birth I wanted. It wasn’t fair. It was like I went to the hospital to get treated for high blood pressure and I got a baby out of it.

Many people tried to make me feel better. “Now the next time you have a baby you can pretty much pick the due date!” That doesn’t make things better at all. It’s like saying, “Hey, your dog just died, but next time you want to get a dog you can pick out any kind you want!” My sister, who also had a c-section, said to me, “Oh, c-sections are the way to go. No contractions or pushing! It’s great!” Well, considering I’m the freak that wanted all that gory painful stuff, that was a no-go in the feel good department. I appreciated people attempting to cheer me up, but it just wasn’t working.

I was starting to get a little worried about myself. Why was I so upset about having a c-section? Did I need therapy? Was I going crazy? I did a little research online and learned that there are many women out there who suffered the same feelings of disappointment and sadness over their c-section. These feelings come close to post-traumatic stress disorder. I was relieved to have my feelings validated. It didn’t lessen the pain, but I took comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone.

10 ½ Months Later

Each day the pain has lessened. I am not thinking constantly about my c-section. I focus on the good part of my c-section- my perfectly healthy baby boy. C-sections are performed for a reason. If I didn’t have this surgery Joe and I could have died- that’s how bad my blood pressure was. It wasn’t like Dr. M was getting impatient and had a 1:30 tee time- this had to be done for the sake of our health. I should be thankful for this medical technology because if it weren’t for a c-section things could be a lot worse. God not only designed our bodies to give birth naturally, but also in a way that a child could be born in another form to save the life of the baby and mother.

I often wonder if I would have been able to deliver Joe if I wouldn’t have gotten pre-eclampsia. Joe was 2 weeks early (one of the nurses thought he was actually 3 weeks early) and he was basically 9 lbs. How much more would he weigh if he cooked a little longer? Could I have managed delivering a big baby since I am so short? A friend of mine told me that one of her close friends was against any kind of drugs or monitoring or c-section and her baby actually died in the birth canal because she was smothered. The thought of that happening scares me to no end.

Sometimes my scar will itch, or I’ll notice the skin around my scar is still slightly numb and I will re-live it all over again. This scar will be with me the rest of my life. My uterus- my precious womb- where my future children will be conceived and beautifully developed now has been defiled with a scar.

I often feel at odds with myself. I can’t believe how unbelievably upset I was over having a c-section. I have a healthy baby- isn’t that all that matters?! But don’t I have that right to mourn the loss of the birth I wanted? Pregnancy, labor and delivery might not be a big deal to some women. It’s just part of life. But to me, it is something I looked forward to and believe to be a huge part of my life and vocation. But then again, some women who ache for a baby of their own would gladly have c-sections if it meant holding their own child in their arms. Women have miscarriage after miscarriage. Women have stillborn babies. How selfish am I to be to mad about not getting the birth I wanted? It’s a constant war within my heart.

I am not as upset about having a c-section as I was when Joe was first born. I’m sure the nice post-partum hormone cocktail I was served didn’t help matters any. The sadness has worn away and it is kind of hard to describe my feelings now. My c-section haunts me every so often. It's still hard to read birth stories, but the envy is fading.

VBAC Hopes

My hopes of having a future VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) immediately began in the hospital. I remember asking Dr. M why the induction failed. Being on the magnesium sulfate didn’t help matters any. Plus, Joe just wasn’t ready to come on down. He was still very high while still inside me and was happy on staying that way. I asked him if he thought I could have VBAC someday and he thought it would be possible since it seemed my pelvis would be wide enough to deliver. He informed me that he didn’t do VBAC’s since the hospital wasn’t equipped to handle that big of procedure and that I would have to go to a bigger hospital.

He seemed to change his tune at my 6 week post-partum check-up. I asked him what he thought about VBAC’s. His immediate response: “I don’t like them.” Followed by, “My wife had 2 of them after our first born, but that was when I was a resident.” Oooookay??? So, when you are resident your super-human doctor wisdom hasn’t come in yet? Dr. M is a wonderful man and doctor; I just don’t think he likes to give negative news. He said his wife said in hindsight that she just wished she would have had repeat c-sections. If she really thought that then why did she have TWO VBAC’s? He also said that I’m always going to have big babies and that I probably won’t be able to deliver naturally. I don’t really know what to believe with him. However, I don’t live where he practices anymore, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I am currently researching here and there about VBAC’s. I’m thinking about joining my local ICAN chapter. I want to educate myself on both sides. I refuse to be pulled into the polarizing debate over giving birth. I’m not one of these people who think that hospitals and doctors are evil and doctors push for c-sections so they can get more money to install a tennis court in their backyard. I believe there are genuinely caring hospitals and doctors who want the best for their patients. I am not anti-c-section. But I don’t think that VBAC’s are a horrible option that will automatically result in death. I might be mistaken, but I think I read somewhere that Michelle Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting fame has had multiple c-sections and VBAC’s. Her uterus hasn’t exploded or fallen out, so that gives me hope. I’d like to set up camp moderately between these two differing sides.

The thought of having a VBAC is scary. I wish I wasn’t in a position to decide between putting myself in a situation where I could lose my life and baby or having a procedure that devastates me and can also put my life at risk. I wish it would have all gone the “normal” way the first time.

I prayed to God shortly after Joe was born to guide me in this decision to have a VBAC. Some days I’ll be driving a long and I’ll just say, “God, give me the wisdom to make the right choice on having a VBAC if I ever get pregnant again.” I haven’t had any clear-cut answers, but I’m really hoping he gives me an answer when I need it the most. I’m hoping for success. I went to a general doctor’s appointment a few months after Joe was born and the doctor there mentioned that Dr. M did an awesome job with my c-section. She said the scar was very small. I’m hoping that will be a good factor in a successful VBAC.

I wonder how I will feel if I do attempt a VBAC and still have to have a c-section. Will I be even more devastated? Or will I be satisfied in knowing I did everything I could and tried with all my might to have the birth I wanted? How will I feel if I have a successful VBAC? Will it be an even more rewarding experience than if I would have delivered normally the first time?

While I still get sad from time to time about having a c-section, I do believe that God has a plan. I gave him the control and this is what happened, so it must be for the best. I know it is for the best because as I type this post, with tears in my eyes, I lay next to my son. My perfect, healthy baby who came to me in a way I didn’t want or expect, but still came and changed my life for the better.