A Spiritual Epilogue of My Miscarriage

In my last post I mentioned that I was going through a spiritual dry spell. I won't go into detail, but it got pretty bad. There's nothing worse than feeling depressed, hopeless and in despair of the future (finances, having children, careers) and feeling you can't reach out to God. Talk about feeling completely alone and utterly terrified.

Thankfully, by the grace of God (and I'm sure many prayers) I'm feeling a lot better. I decided to turn to Mary, the Mother of God, for her help. Then the other day I woke up and felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK. My husband and I had a sincere heart to heart and have laid the foundation for our plans for the future. We're not expecting things to get better right away; life may possibly get worse before it gets better, but we feel a great sense of peace.

So that brings me to be able to write more about my miscarriage and how my faith helped me through it.

Just a couple days ago my neighbor had her baby. I looked out the window when they were leaving for the hospital. Jane was standing by the car; her fiance, Shawn, was running back to the apartment and running back with a towel for her to sit on. I guess I should also explain that I live in a four-plex: Jane and Shawn live across from us, Jane's mom and sister live below them, and Jane's grandparents live below Ryan and I. So their whole family was all a buzz with excitement. Grandpa was yelling at Grandma to get in the minivan but she was busy calling relatives. Shawn was a nervous wreck, and Jane's mom was running around with her cell phone to her ear and trying get coats and pillows stuffed in the car. The funny thing was that it appeared that the most calm person in the group was Jane.

I looked on with a feeling of excitement. Jane became pregnant right around the time that Ryan moved into the apartment, so we have been a part of their journey of pregnancy from beginning. There had been some minor complications in her pregnancy so it was good to see that she had made it to term. As they all drove away in separate vehicles down the driveway I became a little sad. Their lives were about to change forever with the arrival of their new daughter. Not too long ago I had visions of what my own baby's delivery would be like.

We found out a couple hours later that there were complications and the baby had to be shipped off to a bigger hospital. Jane didn't even get to hold her baby and had to stay in the hospital due to a lingering fever.

A couple days later the new happy family came home to be together for the first time. We went over to see Jane, Shawn and the new baby. We decided to take our camera and take pictures to document their first day home. The next day we took in our camera card to Wal-Mart to print off the pictures we had taken.

There was a snapshot of all three of them and there was no doubt you could see the joy in their eyes. But then there was one picture of Jane holding her daughter, looking down on her smiling. That was the perfect picture showing what a mother's love and joy looks like. I got tears in my eyes. A couple months ago I would have printed off the picture hastily and been very upset that my chances of looking down on my own son or daughter had been ripped away from me. But instead of those feelings, I felt happiness. Happiness for Jane and her family, but also happiness in knowing that someday I will be a mother as well.

There have been many times in my life where I've run from God when I have had to experience a hardship. Thankfully my pride and stubbornness didn't keep me from begging for God's help during my miscarriage. I clung to Him, ran to Him, begged Him for help.

I knew going to Mass was going to be hard. I was still in pain and was worried that a medical emergency would suddenly occur and I'd faint during Mass. I also knew there were going to be a lot of happy families there. Women rubbing their pregnant bellies, mothers trying to wrangle a wiggly toddler and young children finding a snuggly pillow to rest their heads on their fathers' shoulders.

Despite all these obstacles, I needed to go to Mass. I needed the Word of God for strength. I needed the liturgy and to know that since Mass is literally supposed to be Heaven on Earth that all the angels and saints and my loved ones in heaven were there to comfort me.

Most of all I needed Christ in the Eucharist. My womb was empty and I needed my whole body and soul filled with the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus. Going to Mass brought me great joy and peace.

During all the physical pain I experienced I tried to remember all the pain Jesus suffered on the cross. His suffering, his tears, his pain- it was all for the greater good. I knew that in my own suffering something good could come out of it. I united my suffering with Christ's.

During all my emotional pain I remembered the Scripture reading when Mary and Joseph presented their newborn son Jesus in the Temple. Simeon had a prophesy regarding the future of Christ and in that prophesy he told Mary "...a sword will pierce through your own soul also" (Luke 2:35) When I got the news of my miscarriage I felt like sword had pierced my own soul. Now, I know I shouldn't compare my suffering with Mary's. Her's was much more substantial. However, I chose to imitate her example in following and accepting God's will. No matter how painful or unfair it seemed, I knew that God's plan was the best for us. Of course it didn't make sense, and it never will until (hopefully) the day I get to Heaven. God is all knowing and ALL GOOD so I knew He would take care of us. I could rest assured that Gus was safe and sound in the arms of God.

After the miscarriage was done my emotions were strange. When the doctor first told me the news of course I was devastated, but most of my attention was focuses on "OK, when is this going to start?" When it finally did start my attention was focused on "OK, when is this ordeal going to finally end?" When the miscarriage had completed itself I felt kind of lost- what was I supposed to do next? That's where my faith came in again. I devoted myself to prayer and asked God to guide me in what to do next.

In the following weeks I came across a girl on facebook who had also suffered a miscarriage. I had never met her and really had no idea what made me add her to my facebook months ago. My heart ached for her so I sent her a private message. In my hopes of offering comfort she in turn gave me strength. She explained that her pregnancy as well as mine were "huge successes." I had never thought of it in that way. In all my sorrow I forgot to be grateful that I was able to get pregnant. Just the act of conceiving can be a huge obstacle to some couples. And of course one of the main goals of being a parent is to get your children to heaven. Well, our Gus was of course in heaven which means we have our own little saint in eternal happiness praying for us. What a great success! This tragedy has brought me closer to a sister in Christ, and even if we've never met, I feel that is also a great success.

If I didn't have my Catholic faith to hold on to, I don't know what this experience would have been like. I really don't want to know. We have to remember that children are not a right, they are a gift. God has given me so many gifts- my family, my friends, my husband and my little Gus. And I know someday I will get to experience a mother's joy and happiness when I smile down at my own child.

A Miscarriage Prayer:

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-Mother M. Angelica