Pregnancy Body Image and Pre-Eclampsia Fears

Last Friday I reached the 30 week mark in my pregnancy. Never before have I looked at my ankles so much. 

Why? 

Well, let's take a looksey at what my ankles looked like at 30 weeks in my last pregnancy: 

Yeeeaaaahhh... 

I was at my 30 week point when I started to swell significantly. I knew it looked bad at the time, but when I look back at photos I am in complete shock. Oddly enough, my blood pressure was perfect when I started to swell. It wasn't until 38 weeks that my blood pressure spiked. 

I have big fears about getting pre-eclampsia again. It is super serious and can be deadly. That part has always scared the living bejesus out of me. But it also took away some of the joy of bring a new life into the world. It was hard to bond with Joe because I was in such bad shape. After his birth, all the attention was directed toward me because my blood pressure was spiraling out of control. I would have rather had attention for birthing a freaking adorable baby boy. I was confined to the bed and recovering from a c-section and dealing with the nurses freaked out looks every time they took my blood pressure. It was not enjoyable.

I thank God I didn't really feel any of the affects of high blood pressure. There were no headaches, no spots in my vision. I did feel anxious but that's because I was afraid I was going to die and I also had to worry about keeping an infant who totally depended on me alive. It was a rough experience physically and emotionally. 

I've talked with my previous OB and my current OB about my guilt that I brought pre-eclampsia on myself. They both assured me that I had not. They have seen women who are perfectly healthy, eating all organic, and working out everyday getting pre-eclampsia. 

I still resolved that I would not follow the same habits I did when I was last pregnant. For breakfast I would eat Cap'n Crunch or some other high-sugar cereal. Now I eat Multi-grain Cheerios. For lunch and supper I would usually eat a can of spaghettios or a Hungry Man frozen dinner because Ryan worked strange hours and I ate by myself. Now for lunch I always have two PB&J's. Since Ryan works regular hours we always have a home-cooked meal for supper. It's not all natural or organic, but it's not from a can. In my last pregnancy my snacks usually consisted of oatmeal cream pies, sour cream and onion chips and popsicles. Now I snack on fruit, cheese, granola bars and fruit snacks. My before-bedtime snack used to consist of practically a whole bag of mini chocolate donuts and a big glass of chocolate milk. Now it's usually fruit. Lately it's been applesauce. 

In my previous pregnancy I did not exercise at all. I remember at around 13 weeks, when the weather started getting nice, I attempted to walk everyday but I got bad shin splints. Instead of working through them or trying another exercise I just gave up. The only activity I really did was clean house. This pregnancy I've been trying to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Of course I'm a lot more active chasing around a crazy toddler. 

I could be doing better. I could be eating more in moderation. I could be exercising a little harder. I've still gained a nice amount of weight. But I think I'm doing a lot better than last time. Here is my ankle at 30 weeks this pregnancy: 

If you ignore the super-sexy flip flop tan line you can see I STILL have ankles! Although, I like my flip flop tan line because it is proof I am going outside and being active and I'm still wearing my trusty old size 6 flip flops. In my last pregnancy I had to search for a size 7 around 25 weeks because my feet were swelling that much. 

I really credit doing Weight Watchers before I got pregnant. I was overweight when I got pregnant with Joe, but with this baby I was in a healthy weight range when we conceived. Weight Watchers also taught me how to eat better and I've carried most of it into this pregnancy. 

A lot of people have commented on how good I look. Some people have said when they look at me straight on they can't even tell I'm pregnant (I think they need their eyes checked, but it has happened on three different occasions.) It's nice to get compliments instead of what I got in my last pregnancy. "Wow, I didn't recognize you! Your face is so full!" Not a good idea to say that to a hormonal pregnant lady.

I feel a lot better this pregnancy. Last time I was so tired and big and swollen that it hurt to walk around and even get out of my chair. My feet would hurt so bad. I waddled very early in my pregnancy. Not this time. Thank goodness for that because Joe needs me. 

I've been somewhat obsessive this time around of my appearance. Most of it is because of my fears of pre-eclampsia. There are times after a very busy, hot day my feet have swollen a little and I freak. I immediately take my blood pressure with our home monitor and it's always perfect. I'm constantly asking my husband if my ankles look swollen.

There are times I look at other pregnant women and am so jealous. It looks like they just stuffed a basketball under their shirt. I've gotten pleasantly plump all over and it upsets me sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm the only pregnant woman that compares her body to other pregnant women. I hate reading on BabyCenter.com the message board posts of how much weight a woman has gained in her pregnancy. I did get a little neurotic about how much weight I was gaining at the beginning of this pregnancy. There was one month I had a big jump and my jaw dropped. The nurse just laughed and said this was my month to get the big leap in weight. I didn't believe her and mentioned my concerns to my doctor. He told me he wasn't worried about it. Now I am trying to stop stressing so much.

I look in the mirror and get a little stressed about my plump face, my chubby arms, and my growing badonkadonk. But then I look at my huge belly and know that there is a reason for all this. I remember "bargaining" with God at the beginning of this pregnancy. I told him I would rather have all the aches and pains and constipation and stretch marks and I'd gladly gain 70 lbs if I could be spared from pre-eclampsia or any other dangerous pregnancy condition. I know you aren't supposed to bargain, but I thought I'd try.

I got really upset when I would read or hear people make fun of Jessica Simpson when she was pregnant. Because when I saw pictures of her, I saw me (just less stylish and less make-up.) Why do we judge other women, especially when they are growing a person? Why do we compare how much weight we've gained in pregnancy? I know she gave birth to a pretty big baby girl, but as far as I know, there were no complications. Did she feel insecure like me? Did she feel like people were talking negatively behind her back? 

I know that pregnancy isn't always pretty or beautiful. It can be scary and really take a toll on a woman. I'm not saying that I hate pregnancy. It's just hard to give up control to God. It's hard to put your pride on the back burner because not all women are built the same in pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be so vain about my appearance, but it gets scary because I associate getting bigger with swelling and getting pre-eclampsia.

It's kind of funny how I word my prayers to St. Gerard. Of course I ask him for his intercession for a healthy baby, but I also ask him to remind me to drink more water, to find the motivation to exercise and to lay off the fast food. 

So far I think he's getting through to me. :-)

Oooo La La! Look at Me!

On Tuesday I wrote a post about how I am trying to de-slob myself and embrace more of my feminine side. I got some very encouraging comments! Thank you!

I suppose I should tell you that I am very much all talk and no action. My plans to learn how to sew? Yeah, the Sewing for Dummies book is gathering dust on my book shelf. My plans to exercise? Still finding excuses to get out of it. My plans to update my personal journal? Last entry was August 25, 2010.

I figured that my plans of taking baby steps to girl-ify myself would go by the way side. But the small feminine part inside me took a stand and said, "NO MORE! No more men's sweat pants! No more not brushing your hair! No more, no more!"
So on Wednesday this is what I looked like:



I took a shower, blow dried my hair, put a bra on (!!!) and put WOMEN'S clothes on. Yeah they are too baggy, but it's a start! I even pulled my hair back into a half-pony tail. I didn't go overboard though. I didn't put my contacts in or put makeup on. Baby steps....

Yesterday we went shopping. Usually my "dressing up" for a casual occasion such as shopping is wearing a nice hoodie, jeans, and tennis shoes. Not this time!



I'm wearing a scarf, people! That's a big deal for me! I have lipstick on! My hair is brushed! I'm practically a movie star! :-) I still think I look frumpy, but at least it's a girly frump.
I have no where special to go today. But I still thought I'd step it up a little from my usual ratty t-shirt and over sized sweats. I got the shirt and pants on clearance at Target yesterday!



I put make up on just for fun. I "did" my hair by making a messy bun. (Funny how something that is supposed to be "messy" takes forever!) I put in a headband that I bought yesterday. I always think that headbands are nice accessories, but they always end up giving me headaches. But I bought one by Goody that is supposed to be more flexible and isn't so tight.



Yesterday while shopping we went to Goodwill. I bought a couple pairs of nice pants and these skirts. Yes, I said skirts! They were $3.00 each. I will admit I've always kind of looked down on Goodwill. But the vast majority of the shoppers there were very well-dressed women and college girls. They had some very nice stuff! Now I won't feel like such a slob going to Church. I usually always wear jeans to church. I always feel guilty because I know I should be dressing up for the Lord, but I just don't have the clothes. Now I do!

Now I like putting on make up but the problem with make up is that it usually looks like poopie within a few hours. Plus, when I wear lipstick or gloss I get lipstick all over the can. This is one of the reasons I don't like wearing anything other than chapstick. I don't like to get ooey-gooey makeup all over the place when I kiss my baby boy and my husband. I don't think I even wore lipstick during my hoochie mama days! Any make up wearers out there have any good tips for me? Any product recommendations?

While trying on clothes yesterday and looking at pictures of me with my new look I finally have come to realize why I dress like a slob. I make excuses- I want to be comfy, I have no where to go so why get dressed, I can't afford new clothes, etc. But really it comes down to that I am not happy with my body. When I look at myself in baggy clothes I think, "OK, so I don't look womanly, but at least you can't see my fat arms and pudgy belly." If I wear more feminine clothes, even in the right size I still feel so self-conscience. I don't have baggy-ness to hide behind.

This is something I need to work on. I'm still taking baby steps in finding my womanly-side and confidence in myself.

The Girly-Girl vs. The Slob

Timeless beauty,

classic elegance,

stunning,

exquisite,

... and then there's me.

This is my daily attire. My husband's old t-shirt and old sweatpants. (I promise the undies are my own.) It has taken me awhile to come to terms that I dress and appear as a slob. I've never been much of a girly-girl. I burp, fart, and have been known to make the statement, "P.U. I should have put on deodorant today!" I rarely shave (not because I want to embrace my natural woman, but because I am lazy.) I hardly ever put make-up on or do my hair. Sometimes I don't even brush my hair. I don't mind getting dirty. I've never cared a lot about fashion. I'd much rather have a nice cold beer than a glass of wine or a margarita.

However, there was a time that I used to take care of my appearance. I never went overboard for that look of perfection, but I looked presentable. I wasn't afraid to run to Wal-Mart in my sweatpants or without makeup, but for the most part, I wore nice clothes and at least brushed my hair. I do embrace the domestic side of my femininity. I want to learn how to sew and cook. I enjoy cleaning and making house. I take enormous pride and find unbelievable joy in my vocation as a wife and stay at home mother.

I have a lot of excuses for the way I appear now. Stay-at-home-motherhood is NOT one. I looked like this long before I got pregnant. The only difference now is I have spit-up on my shirt and mashed banana in my hair. Some of my excuses go like this:

My body is still all sorts of wacky since I had Joe. I can't find clothes that fit and look good.

I can't afford new clothes. Besides, I want to lose some weight, so if I do spend the money on clothes I want them to fit.

I crave comfort. Sweat pants and old t-shirts are the staple of comfort, at least for me.

I don't see anyone throughout the day besides my husband and son. Why do I have to look nice? I don't need to impress them because they love me unconditionally.

If I do get out it is usually to Wal-Mart, and I usually do put on a bra and jeans for that. I might brush my hair. I'll put on a "nice hoodie" over my ratty old t-shirt.

I don't want to do my hair because it's still falling out since I had Joe and I don't want to further the process by blow drying or coloring.

I can't put makeup on right. It looks good when I first put it on, but later it looks like crap. Plus, why put it if just Ryan will see it? That clogs pores, ya know, and leads to pimples and stuff.....

I'm not saying it's time for me to dress to the nines and spend hours on my make-up and hair. But at least maybe I could wear t-shirts and sweat pants that are supposed to go on a woman, rather than a man. I don't care about having mashed banana in my hair, but maybe I could brush my hair every once in awhile. Maybe put on a touch of makeup. Paint my fingernails. Wear a skirt. Own a pair of shoes other than sneakers and flip flops. Wear something other than jeans.

When I told my husband about my concerns about being a slob and not being feminine enough he assured me that I was feminine. "I didn't marry a dude," he said to me. No, he didn't, but I could embrace my girly-girlness a bit more. I don't want to look nice just for my husband, but also for Joe. I don't want him to look back at pictures of him and me and think, "This is how a woman is supposed to look?" Of course I don't want him to marry a prissy-priss woman who is obsessed with her looks, but still, he should know what a hard-working, balanced woman looks like. And when I have daughters I want them to be able to look up to me and think their mother is truly beautiful.

I complain and make excuses about dressing up, but in reality, I do like the way I look (most of the time) when I do try and look presentable. Even though I tend to avoid posts about femininity, modesty and style, I desire to look good.

So my goals are to start taking better care of myself with exercise and with my appearance. I know I will never be a size 2 again. I know I will never wear the latest fashion. I know my make-up won't look like a pro put it on.

I don't think I'll ever fully embrace my inner girly-girl. Fart jokes are a part of my family and yes, I DO think they are hilarious. I'd still rather watch Star Wars than a chick flick. But there can be balance, right?

Do I sound really vain right now? How do you dress up or make yourself "presentable"?

P.S. Please don't think I am a total slob. I do shower, brush my teeth, and change my undies. I'm not a complete barbarian!

Day 11 of the 30 Day Shred: Not too shabby!

Found this image on Google. Here is the source.

Hi, folks! I'm still here! Jillian hasn't killed me yet!

People weren't lying when they said this workout was tough. You have to do jumping jacks, people! Do you know how long it has been since I've done a jumping jack?!

I am on day 11 of the 30 day shred. The first couple of days were torture. My muscles ached SO BADLY. I could barely walk. Thankfully we have a bath tub so I could take a nice hot steamy bath to soothe my muscles that were punishing me for making them work harder than they had in a gajillion months.

I skipped day 5 because I was out of town. I was very nervous about the next day. I was afraid that Jillian would make me pay, but I conquered her and her giant nostrils and athletic smirk!

Each day gets a little easier, except level 1 is getting a tad bit boring. Yesterday would have been my last day on level 1 but I was traveling to my mother's house, so I skipped again. Sure, I could go ahead and start level 2, but I have such a big guilt complex that I would feel like I'm cheating if I continued without doing the full 10 days of the first level. Plus, I don't think I'm quite ready for level. 2 Tomorrow will probably be my last day on level 1 and a whole new kind of torture will begin!

So, you might be wondering if I've seen any results. I didn't think I would at this point, but surprisingly- I have seen a difference! I haven't lost any weight really, but I think a small amount of fat has melted away. My pants seem a little bit looser. And today I noticed in the full-length mirror at my mom's house that I can see a part of my c-section scar peeking through my "apron" of tummy fat. I never was able to see it before unless I lifted my apron up. So I am assuming that some of my tummy fat is going away since I can see my scar now. Now I am kind of worried that I am imagining things, like my mom has some sort of special, different mirror than the full-length mirror at my house.

My hunka-hunka-burnin' love of a baby boy gets very heavy to hold after awhile. When I was at Mass this last weekend and holding Joe, my arms didn't start trembling after 5 minutes like they usually do! It's such a great feeling to be able to hold my son for much longer!

One of the biggest changes is the amount of energy I have now. I think I would take that over sculpted abs and small numbers on the scale! I feel so much better nowadays! It's great!

I am trying to eat healthier- more fruits and veggies and eating smaller portions. My only problem is that I just had Girl Scout cookies delivered to me.... so... I'm sure you can guess how that is going! Stashing them in the freezer is helping a little bit.

So that's how it's going so far! Jillian is still evil, but I can conquer her!

Day One of 30 Day Shread: Kill Me Now.

Day One of Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shread complete.

I'm still alive, but barely.

Many things went through my head while I was doing this 20 minute workout:

"This isn't so bad."

(15 seconds later...) "OK, I was wrong."

"My muscles! They... hurt! They.... ache!"

"MOMMY!"

"Jillian, you're a devil woman."

"How long will it take for Ryan to discover my body?"

It didn't help that we have a loose floor board so every time I did a jumping jack I was fearful of crashing into the basement below. Nothing like hearing "creak, boom, creak, boom" when jumping up and down. Oh yeah, I also had to take down the pictures and breakables from the top of the entertainment center because they were shaking. Let me tell you, that made me feel SUPER AWESOME.

At least Joe was entertained for awhile watching me jump around and pant like a fool. Well.. about 10 minutes into it he had a look on his face that said, "Mommy, why is the mean man-lady hurting you?"

My legs and arms feel like jell-0. Tomorrow will probably be pure torture. Thank goodness I took a picture of my belly to remind me what I'm trying to accomplish, otherwise I would probably throw in the towel.

I'll keep you updated on this new, budding relationship between me and Miss Michaels.

Oh yeah, is there a patron saint of exercise? Or maybe I should pray to St. Michael the Archangel since Jillian is certain to be in league with the devil! :-) I mean seriously, look at her!

Losin' the Preggo Fat!

It. is. time.

It's time to get back in shape after having a baby! (Wait a minute... I was never in shape to begin with!)

I'd like to join Weight Watchers because the program was a great success for me when I wanted to lose weight for my wedding. Unfortunately the funds aren't there, so I'm starting to keep a food diary and making plans to start exercising.

Yesterday I wrote down everything I ate and figured how many calories I had consumed. It seemed like a lot, but it was actually in the high end of the normal range for a breastfeeding mother. (In other words, if I wasn't breastfeeding and eating this many calories, I'd be a blobby monster.) However, I need to replace some of the food I eat with healthier alternatives. I'm OK with that- I don't have to cut out calories, which is good for this gal who loooooves to eat!

Exercise... ugh. I know I'd be a lot happier with my body image if I just got off my duff and got active! It is so hard for me to get motivated. I feel like I never have time and/or energy. If I ever do get motivated then I usually lose dedication. Well, hopefully I can stick with it this time. I asked for suggestions on a good workout for post-baby, and many people suggested Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shread. To be honest, I don't like Jillian Michaels. I complained about her during my pregnancy. But so many people I know tell me how awesome her workout is. They also tell me how it can be very difficult. Will exercising a brutal workout to a woman I don't like work for me? I don't know. But I already bought the DVD (it was on sale!) and opened the packaging. I watched some of it to see what I was getting myself into. I'll admit I'm a tad bit afraid, but I'm not backing down from this challenge!

Weight-wise, I'm satisfied. I've been back to my pre-pregnancy weight for a long time now (thank you, breastfeeding!) I just have this flabby "apron" where my stomach used to be. And I was a little overweight before I got pregnant, so I want to go even lower than my pre-pregnancy weight!

I'm not concerned about what I look like. There are days I look down at my ankles and think, "Damn, those are sexy!" after what they looked like when I was pregnant. (They were NOT pretty.) I relish in the fact that I can see my knee caps again. I'm at peace with the stretch marks. I know I'm not ever going to wear a bikini. I don't want rock hard abs or buns of steel.

I want to be healthy.

I want to be the very best I can be for my husband, son and future children. I want to be able to run and jump and dance and be silly for years to come. I am blessed that my pregnancy was fairy easy until the very end, but I want to be even healthier for my next pregnancy. If I ever want to consider a VBAC I want to be in great shape.

I'm starting Jillian on Monday. I'll keep you updated! In the meantime, if any of you ladies out there have good tips for sticking with a exercise program or how to maintain a healthy lifestyle while busy with children, please, feel free to share!

Adventures in Swelling

What is that large blue object my darling doggie Chandler is looking at? Uh... that would be my growing belly!

This isn't going to be a post complaining about all the aches and pains of pregnancy. I am actually in amazement of the changes- both good and bad- going on with my body. There are so many changes happening in a short period of time that I just stare in the mirror in awe instead of discomfort or disgust (although those looks creep in every once in awhile.) No other time in my life will my body change this much. No man will ever go through what we women do during pregnancy. This is kind of a pregnancy journal entry. This is just to explain the latest chapter in this adventure.

There are good changes and not-so-good changes going on with this pregnancy. I'll save the best for last!

Swelling

One thing I love about being short is having cute little pixie feet. I love my feet- they are so dainty. That was until the day I looked down after a long day of cleaning and saw my little dainty toes had turned into puffy Vienna sausages. How and when did this happen!? Just a couple hours ago they looked normal! Eventually the puffiness went away....

That is until a couple weeks later when the temperatures started to soar and I went to the E.R. The puffiness had gone from just funny looking-feet to painful. My hands also started to swell to man-hand size. Of course I was (am) paranoid of pre-eclampsia (excessive swelling can sometimes indicate pre-eclampsia.) Thankfully my doc told me my blood pressure is perfect and I should drink more water and put my feet up more often. I drink two or three 34 oz. mug-fulls of water each day and try to relax more. (I actually have an excuse not to clean the entire apartment.. although it's hard for me to sit still when things need to be done.)

My shoe size has gone up because of this swelling. I used to wear a size 5 1/2. I bought some flip flops a couple weeks ago... in a size 7!

Swelling is a normal part of some women's pregnancies. My body is retaining more water and my blood chemistry is all a'changin' since there's a human growing inside of me!

Stretch Marks

When I went to the E.R. they asked me a bunch of questions. One was "have you had any breakdown of the skin?" I asked, "Do stretch marks count?" I've always heard of women getting stretch marks and didn't think that they would be such a big deal. However, that all changed when my thighs starting itching like crazy. Did I have some rash? Did some bug bite me? I looked in the mirror and it looked like a cat had scratched up and down my thighs. I screamed in terror and Ryan came running in. He of course said those nice husbandly things, "Oh, you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Yadda, yadda, yadda..."

Some women think using cocoa-butter lotion is a complete waste of time. I have used it, and I know they won't erase the stretch marks completely, but fade them. Mine have actually faded a bit. Well, then new stretch marks appear. I've decided to start naming them. The two newest are Carl and Lenny.

Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum!

I have a big ol' preggo belly. But that's not one of the bad things of pregnancy- I'm actually saving that for the good part. Being so big has made me think- it has to be hard for giants to move around. Their bodies are so cumbersome. Have you ever seen a giant try and pick up a quarter from the floor? It's the same for me- moving around is just plain difficult! I swear I need one of these old-people chairs:

My husband would like it if he didn't have to pull me out of the recliner every time I needed up to go potty (which is often these days.)

I can't ever get comfortable when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'll be comfortable on my left side for about 2. 7 minutes and then need to switch to my right side. I kind of have to give myself a little push off the mattress or kind of sway a little side to side to get some momentum to turn over. And since I'm running out of lung space due to this growing boy I am always out of breath. Just from turning over in bed!

Getting in and out of our van is always a chore too. I used to think those pregnant women who couldn't pick something up off the floor or tie their shoes were exaggerating. Um. No. My mind is completely changed. I'm just thankful it's summer and I can slip on my flip flops, otherwise my husband's job would be to pull me out of chairs and tie my shoes!

Insert Annoying Beavis and Butt-Head Laugh Here

I make bodily noises like a frat boy. Actually I think I make them better than a frat boy. That's all I'll say about that...

What is Going On?!

I've been pregnant before, but I lost Gus when he was 5 weeks gestation. So the first-few-week-symptoms weren't new to me with this pregnancy. But now that I am nearly 28 weeks there are new things going on that have puzzled me. The baby hasn't been very active in the past few days. I don't really feel the kicks anymore, just like he's rubbing his head and/or baby bum over the walls of my uterus. What are baby hiccups supposed to feel like? Am I having Braxon Hicks contractions? My back is hurting more than usual- am I having pre-term labor? I don't have a lot of experience to draw on in these situations! I am a little anxious sometimes, but I just trust in God and know everything is in His hands. I do my part by staying healthy.


Now on to the brighter side of pregnancy...


I'm Ready for My Shampoo Commercial

I've always had really thin, limp hair. I use volumizing shampoo, conditioner and hair products. I blow-dry my hair upside down. About one hour after I do my hair it goes flat.

But now- WOW!

I don't even have to do my hair for it to appear thick and full. If I just wash it and let it air dry it looks luxurious. I've never really fussed over my hair, so while this is a perk, it's not like the most wonderful thing in the world. I'm not getting too attached because I know when the baby is born it will all start falling out!

My Job as a Hand Model Starts Now

My fingernails now grow quickly. They also don't chip. Too bad I HATE long fingernails. I can't function with them. I feel like I'm scratching my eyes when I am putting in my contacts. Again, this is just a perk!

Braxton Hicks

This may sound strange, but I am actually grateful for Braxton Hicks contractions. I can definitely feel them, but they are painless. I'm sure in a couple weeks when they start to be a little more painful they will bother me. But for now I'm happy for these practice contractions. It is nice to know my body is preparing for the real deal.

My Big Beautiful Belly

I mentioned before that I've always had kind of a poochie tummy before pregnancy, so seeing my belly grow because of a child inside of it instead of eating Taco Bell is nice. The stretch marks haven't crept up to my belly yet (they're hanging out down south on my thighs.) So sometimes after I get out of the shower or when I change my clothes I just stare in amazement at my stomach. It's so BIG and so awesome! It's been interesting to see my belly button get more and more shallow. It hasn't popped out like a turkey timer yet, but it's pretty darn close.

I just love to rub my belly and feel how hard it is. And the best reward to rubbing- I feel my baby boy kick. Deep below the layers of fat and tissue our son is living and thriving. The first few months of pregnancy were odd- you know there is a living being inside you, but it doesn't really feel like there's anything going on. The first time I felt him kick and really knew it was him kicking and not gas bubbles- my heart skipped a beat. It was a nervous and excited and new feeling I had never experienced before. You imagine what it feels like to feel your baby kick, but when it happens... it's indescribable. As he has gotten bigger he's actually moving all the skin and tissue on my belly. It looks like a little alien trying to escape. Last night while I was reading, I was resting the book on my belly. Maybe I was "squishing" him or maybe he just wanted to say hello, but my book started "bobbing" up and down. He was kicking my book!

I'm not quite sure what body part is what, but sometimes I feel something really hard at certain areas of my belly. I mean really hard. Is that his head? Or his little bum? Maybe his back? It's so neat!

Ryan can't get enough of watching my belly move. He could touch and stare at my belly for hours if he could. I see him in awe of his son already. Just imagine how much love and devotion he will have for his son when he is outside the womb.

The Best Part of Pregnancy....

is our baby, of course. Knowing there is a person inside me, with his own DNA, his own soul, his own identity. Sure he has both my husband and me as a part of him, but he is his own little person. I wish I had a camera to see what he's doing down there in my womb. I wish I could see his little face. I wish I could hear his cries and coo's and baby laughs. It's kind of a strange thought- we will see our son for the first time sometime in September. But I have known him since found out we had conceived him. One minute he'll be a mystery- the next he'll be born and all our wonderings (most of them anyway) about him will be realized. Our lives will change forever when this baby is born. An indelible mark will be placed on our souls when we become parents to our child when he comes into the world. Sure it will be scary. We'll be responsible for a body, mind and soul other than our own. I'm thankful God is merciful.. we will need all the help we can get.

I know I may have complained too much about my pregnancy, but that really was not my intent. I am very lucky to have had a non-complicated pregnancy. And really, if I didn't have the stretch marks or the back aches or the aversion to certain foods I would be freaking out. I'd rather have all uncomfortable symptoms than a symptom-free pregnancy. I want to know that things are going the way they should be. And I shouldn't get to discouraged about the weight gain or the cottage cheese thighs or puffiness. I know most women experience these things in pregnancy, even though it feels like I am the only one in the world that has these red badges of motherhood.

The only part I very much dislike about this pregnancy is the renewal of depression in my life. It's not a Darth Pregger, easily annoyed, cry over a car commercial kind of depression. It's a bit darker than that. It is something that I have talked to my doctor about and am now receiving appropriate help. I have battled with depression on and off since high school, and it saddens me that it struck again during the happiest time of my life. But this deserves a separate post that I hope to get to soon.

I embrace all the changes going on with my body. I read somewhere that a pregnant woman is like a beautiful tree that bears heavy fruit. I think that quote is perfect. All the changes that are happening - the good, bad and the ugly are beautiful because they are a result of a greater good- the creation of a new soul, a new life- my son.

I am the Jekyll and Hyde of Body Image

Photo Credit: Artist MCSimon; Original Source can be found here.

A couple months ago I went through my old journals. I was shocked to see that when I was 12 years old I had made a list of New Year's resolutions and on that list was "lose weight." Did my journey with struggling with body image really start that early?!

Since then I've always been on a see-saw regarding how I look. I'll go through phases of being happy with my body, then the next phase soon occurs- I'll look in the mirror and scream in disdain, "I'm SO fat and ugly!"

I learned early in high school that there are some things about myself that I just cannot change. My short stature is one of them. I longed to burst out of my barely 5 foot frame and have a tall physique, or at least an average height. But I knew no medicine or exercise was going to make me taller, and I soon came to appreciate this unique quality of myself.

My thin hair, my super abundance of freckles and nose were other parts of my body that I just gave up lamenting over. Sure, I'm not always happy with them, but I found it was a waste of time trying to scheme a way of raising money for a nose job or freckle removal.

I remember being semi-unhappy with my weight during high school. (I look back at pictures of myself back then and wonder what the heck I was so unhappy about!) During my senior year of high school I decided to really start taking care of my body. I started eating healthier and exercised nearly everyday. I wasn't a health-freak. I didn't cut out calories or exercise to the point of exhaustion. It was a healthy balance of wanting to look better and feel better.

And boy did I achieve those goals! I am convinced that my healthier lifestyle helped me combat the depression I was struggling with the few months before my senior year began. And I looked pretty darn good, if I say so myself. (I still look back at pictures from our senior trip, me lounging by the lake in my bikini..... sigh.....)

Then college hit and my weight and body image yo-yo'd all over the place. In my days of partying and other shenanigans I maintained a low weight, but it was due to barely eating because of depression and drinking too much. Sure I looked good, but just looking at the bags under my eyes and the complete exhaustion and unhappiness reminded me of how I didn't feel good.

When I got out of that situation and started at Benedictine I started gaining weight. Maybe it was because I started dating Ryan and I was finally happy. I knew he was one of those guys who didn't care what his girlfriend looked like as long as she was happy and healthy.

The pounds started piling on and then I was asked to be the maid of honor for one of my best friends. Suddenly trying on bridesmaids dresses caused me to realize just how much I let myself go. My self-esteem plummeted, so in between classes I popped in my Pilates DVD and started contorting my body in all sorts of poses that usually made me fall into hysterical laughter. I lost a few pounds, but I was so busy and stressed with school that I didn't quite reach my weight-loss goal. However, since I had been exercising and eating healthier- I was happier and felt better about myself.

My weight kept fluctuating, usually depending on my stress level with classes. (For example: finals week = steady diet of McDonalds and Taco Bell.) As far as my body image went, well, I wasn't too concerned with how I dressed or looked. Many of the girls I had class with also wore PJ pants or wore their hair in messy buns. It wasn't a campus full of super models- we were just trying to be comfortable.

Then I got engaged and decided I was going to take losing weight and getting healthier more seriously. I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and to my surprise, it really did work. I knew I needed extra encouragement to exercise and eat right, and WW definitely helped me. I lost 10 pounds, and even though I wished I could have lost a few more pounds, I felt happy and beautiful when I put on my wedding dress and walked down the aisle.

Then of course the vicious cycle began again. After I got married I started gaining weight like crazy. I'd like to blame happy newly-wedded bliss and unemployment, but I'll just go ahead and admit it- I got super lazy. I started feeling like a fat slob. Then in the late summer I got pregnant and then had a miscarriage, so I really had no desire to work out.

Now I am pregnant again. You'd think I would be worrying over my drastically changing body, but surprisingly, I haven't been. I've always had a poochie stomach, so seeing my tummy balloon because of a baby (instead of fat) has made me happy. There was an "in between" stage where I looked more "fat" instead of "pregnant" but that didn't last long.

I have been eating healthier and walking nearly everyday, so I haven't gained too much weight. My doctor has said I am right on track when it comes to weight gain during pregnancy. There are those people who have made comments about how I'm getting too big, too quickly. Um, hello people- I am a short person! There is only one way for this baby to go and that is OUT. I'd rather look like I'm carrying a jumbo-sized beach ball under my shirt that have this baby crack all my ribs!

Then there is Jillian Michaels, the personal trainer famous for her work on the TV show The Biggest Loser, who has stated she doesn't want to get pregnant because she "doesn't want to ruin her body." When I saw that on the TV I went all Darth Pregger/Pregg-zilla and threw a baby carrot at the TV screen. I won't even begin to address that comment.

But yes, my body has changed dramatically. However, I am embracing my curves. There are parts of my body that I had always wished were bigger that suddenly are and wowsers... it's awesome! There are some changes that I could do without- like stretch marks. My goodness it looks like a cat has scratched up my thighs! Now I see why they call stretch marks "the red badge of motherhood!" Then there are parts of my body that are developing into a sort of cottage cheese-like substance. But you know what? I'm growing a precious human being. The baby inside me is healthy, I am healthy- and that is all that matters. I don't care if I'm not going to look like a cute preggo lady in my swimsuit this summer. I don't care if I ever look like I did when I was a senior in high school. As long as I am healthy and the babies I carry are healthy- I am happy.

So what is my point of this post? I think I have finally realized what has caused me to shift from being happy with my body to being disgusted with it: I compare myself to others way too often. When I have been unhappy with my body image it is usually because I look at someone else and wish I could look more like them. Sure, I might be perfectly healthy, but when I bend what happiness is for me and want to look "sexy" or have super cute clothes like so-and-so I see at a restaurant or in a movie I am miserable.

Comparing myself could be disastrous during my pregnancy because there are a lot of pregnant women out there who don't have any stretch marks, who look phenomenal in a bikini or who brag about only gaining X amount of pounds throughout their pregnancy. If I compare myself to these women I would be even crabbier than I am now, but thankfully I haven't been.

But when I stop comparing myself to others and focus on being healthy- that's when I am happiest with my body image. Sure I didn't lose all the weight I could have for my best friend's wedding or my own wedding, but I felt good about myself and happy for both occasions.

I'm sure this cycle of feeling good about myself will shift after I have the baby. Who knows how my body will adjust to caring for an infant while trying to get back into shape. Hopefully I don't fall back into comparing myself to others who have just had babies.

I have so many other things to say about female-worth and body image, but there is package of Keebler Elf cookies, a glass of milk and a movie calling my name!