Joe's Neurology Appointment and Other Tid Bits

Yesterday Joe had his first neurology appointment since his seizures that occurred in October. Thanks be to God his Depakote medicine is working and he hasn't had any episodes. Joe's neurologist is so amazing. She took time to answer our questions and explained things so well. It's been a weird month. My paranoia of Joe having more seizures had kind of faded away until yesterday when we were driving the appointment. But she is very optimistic that he could possibly outgrow this in a few years.

Sam has been having a rough time lately. On Halloween he was diagnosed with hand, foot and mouth disease. His gums were SO swollen AND he was getting his molars at the same time. Poor baby was miserable. He's in occupational therapy for eating issues. I hope to dive more into that issue some other time, but his therapist, who is very very knowledgeable and good at her job, is stumped. Sam just isn't progressing. He's finally eating baby food, but that's a hit or miss sort of deal. His therapist warned us that if things don't progress in the next few months that they might have to put in a feeding tube. I'm still exclusively breast feeding (and yes, I'm exhausted) but his body needs more nutrients now that he's older. I'm hoping that once he gets his last two one-year molars in that it will suddenly click.

I'm making more of my saint dolls. I made a St. Andrew doll for my priest since our parish is called St. Andrew's. I also made one of him. I think he got a kick out of them. I actually have two orders for some dolls which I'm pretty excited about. I have to order the dolls and will be busy working on those before Christmas.

My parish priest. Yes, he's THAT bald. :-)

St. Cecilia

St. Andrew

I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year for my mom and my brother's family. I've cooked a turkey before, but my mom helped me. This year I'll be doing it all on my own. I looked up how to rinse and dry a turkey (DON'T JUDGE!) and I was met with a slew of articles debating on if one should rinse a turkey or leave it alone. I don't remember what I did the last time I cooked a turkey. I probably made my mom do it after I was traumatized after taking out the neck and giblets from the turkey. Hopefully it will all turn out fine... and not like the turkey from Christmas Vacation.

I'm actually looking forward to cooking and hosting. When my mom mentioned me hosting Thanksgiving a few months ago I was all for it. We have a small house, but I can't wait to fill it up with family and the smell of yummy food. Hopefully not burning food....

Good advice.

I job shadowed last Friday at a hospital here in Kansas City. I followed a good friend of mine and was able to get a good feel for nursing. It was really fun! I'm in the process of finishing up my last prerequisite class and setting up more job shadowing hours. I'm excited to get the ball rolling but so nervous that I won't be accepted.

I think that's enough randomness for your day... Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Eat lots of turkey and pumpkin pie!

The Final Part of the Story and My Thoughts as a Mother

This is part three of our story of Joe's epilepsy diagnosis.

Part One


Part Two

The next day we saw the sunrise from our 6th floor hospital room. It was beautiful. It was kind of like God was saying, "Today you will be at peace."

Sammy and the sunrise

The night before we had received a definite time for the MRI, so we planned our meals accordingly. It was much less stressful that way.

Joe was still tethered to his EEG machine, so he couldn't go far, and it was starting to bother him. Thankfully we crafted a play area on the floor, brought him toys and the nurse moved the camera so he was content for awhile.

The mega neurology team came early in the morning. Dr. Cruse sat down to deliver the news of Joe's EEG results. "Well, the EEG is normal. That's good because we can rule out the 'bad' stuff." He went on to explain that no medication would be needed since it was just a one day thing and that we'd just have to watch out for anymore episodes. We would still have the MRI just to rule anything out.

While I was very happy to hear that no "bad stuff" had been found, I still felt uneasy. Was this seriously just a fluke thing? A one time deal? I was fearful of the thought of going home with no answers. I would be constantly paranoid that it would happen again... this time in a much worse manner. Would I ever feel comfortable enough to let him stand on the kitchen chair and help make cookies? Would I constantly be following close behind him while he walked for fear that he'd seize and violently fall over? I am a control freak who wants to know what is going on. I hate unanswered questions. Was this whole torturous (and expensive) hospital stay for nothing?

We spent the rest of the day waiting to go down for the MRI. A vascular team came to put in an IV. Even these specialists were impressed with how strong Joe was. It went a little smoother than other times, but you can never get used to your baby being in pain. Then we learned the MRI was bumped from noon to1:00. While we were waiting, the EEG technician came in to remove the electrodes. Joe freaked when he saw him but we assured him he'd like this part. Joe fussed a little when the tech was removing the electrodes, but for the most part stayed still. I sat in bed with him thinking that he'd want to get up and play now that he was free, but he was getting tired, so we popped in another movie.

Probably 10 minutes after the EEG guy left another doctor came up. I recognized her from Dr. Cruse's neurology team. She introduced herself as Dr. Zuccarelli and pulled a chair up to the bed. When she did that I knew something was up.

"I know we told you that Joe's EEG was normal. But that was based on an earlier reading from last night. He just read the rest of it, and it does appear that there are abnormalities."

It was then she told us the diagnosis: myclonic epilepsy.

His brain was just made a little different, and these nerve currents just fire a little differently. He has a disposition for seizures and certain things like lack of sleep can trigger them. Just a few weeks ago Ryan and I cut out his afternoon nap in hopes he would start sleeping better at night and I fear that could have been the cause.

She went on to explain the precautions we'd have to take, what to do if he has seizure and different issues and situations to look out for. She explained the medication he would now have to take and the emergnecy medicaton we would have to carry on us at all times (like an epi-pen) in case he had a seizure lasting 5 minutes. She was so nice and comforting and straight forward.

I sat there holding my son and tears streamed down my face. Joe was starting to nod off to sleep and I just held him tighter and tighter. I was so glad to have answers, but this just broke my heart. I knew this could be the diagnoses, but actually hearing it said out loud was heart wrenching.

She left and soon it was time to wheel Joe down to his MRI. Ryan and I went with him and waited awhile in the pre-op area reading him books. The anesthesiologist came in to do a quick check up and when he was listening to his heart it was taking a long time. He told us to lean him back and we did and he listened to his heart again. He said the reason he did that was because he heard a heart murmur. I was like "Are you effing kidding me?!?!" I almost had to laugh because SERIOUSLY?! But he assured us that it was a very very common thing and as soon as we laid him back the murmur went away. 

Soon the nurse came in and gave Joe some anti-anxiety meds into his IV and he gladly went with her. She didn't give us a chance to say good bye as she walked away. We were lead to a waiting room. I went up to nurse Sam, meet up with my dad, and grab some lunch.

When I came back to the waiting room I sat down with Ryan. We hugged and talked because that was really the first time we could do so since we go to the hosptial. Joe being in the MRI was probably the hardest part. Thinking about him being alone in a metal tube made me sad. I knew he was sedated, but I was still forlorn to be away from Joe. I was afraid he'd wake up and be afraid that we weren't there.

When they called us back he was still very very very asleep. We snuggled him in a wagon and rolled him back to his room. He stayed in a deep sleep for a very long time. Ryan's mom and my dad left. Ryan loaded up the van because we would be released soon after Joe woke up and ate something.

Sleeping after his MRI

When Joe woke up he was very loopy and goofy. It was actually pretty funny. They gave him some food and tried giving him his first dose of Depakote. They sprinkled it on some pudding thinking he would think it was sugar, but he wasn't fooled. We had to do a lot of coaxing and convincing for him to eat the pudding. Soon we were all packed up and ready to wheel him out to our van.

It was kind of bittersweet to say goodbye to the nurses. They had been such a tremendous help. It was also kind of scary because now we were on our own. We were armed with informatoin and medication, but it was aways kind of comforting to know the nurses were right around the corner in case there was an emergency.

We drove home, grabbed his prescription, let him watch a Batman movie and all went to bed together. I cuddled Joe, grateful that we were in our own comfortable bed. Tears rolled down my cheeks again as I tried to process it all. It really felt like it was all a dream.

My mom had told me how proud she was of me for being so strong. I have to be strong for Joe's sake, but I'm tellling you this has been so hard. Joe has always been so healthy. He went a whole year without seeing his pediatrician. I'm just so confused as to how this could happen. Dr. Z assured us that he would develop into a happy and healthy little boy even with epilepsy, but there will be a part of me that will now be forever paranoid.

I've always been a little paranoid as a mother. The sickening thought of losing my son HAUNTS me. Just thinking about those mothers and fathers of those precious babies killed in Newton, CT last year makes me sick to my stomach. Just knowing that one minute I can be holding my loving healthy boy and the next minute I could be burying him in the cold hard ground terrifies me. I whisper prayers of protection for Ryan and my boys numerous times a day. My love for Joe is so fierce and so strong that I just can't bear to think of him in any kind of pain. Hell, my heart breaks a little bit whenever he is ignored by another kid at the playground. I saw quite a few sick children there at the hospital, and while my heart went out to them, my heart especially ached for their parents. I am growing closer and closer to Mary, the Mother of Jesus now that I've become a mom. Sure, my son isn't suffering for the salvation of souls, but giving God the control and trusting in his will is hard no matter what.

Then of course comes the mommy guilt. I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't so tired and zoned out or piddle farting on facebook so much that I could have caught these seizures sooner. I feel guilty that I've put my needs in front of my own children. This has definitely been a wake up call for me. I hid a lot of "friends" from showing up on my newsfeed on Facebook and no longer feel obligated to read a ton of blogs or comment on them. I've always felt this overwhelming "need" to blog... like I have such "important" things to say and I just itch to get them out there on the interwebz. But I don't think there are a whole lot of people out there reading these words, and that's OK. I don't plan on abandoning this blog completely, but it just won't be a concern anymore. I foresee a bunch of tickle fights and crafting in the future rather than blog posts about our hopes and dreams.

Joe has been doing well since this whole ordeal. He hasn't had one single seizure, at least when we've been around. We've had to switch from the Depakote crystals to liquid form because no matter how we tried to disguise it, he always figured it out there was medicine in his food. I felt like Kathy Bates from Misery when I was hiding the meds in his oatmeal. We have to take the normal precautions as any parent of a 3 year old does, but we have to be a little more vigilant. One thing that Dr. Z mentioned was that he can't really climb the monkey bars without us close by in case he has a seizure. Even the short myclonic seizures that last a second or two can cause him to fall and get seriously injured.

We aren't going to treat epilepsy as a disease or disability. We'll make the appropriate changes, of course, but we will strive to keep his life as normal as possible. There is a chance he could never have one ever again and even grow out of this epilispy. Since this has happened a lot of people have contacted me telling me they know someone who had/has epilispey and they have normal happy lives.

I just feel like Joe being diagnosed with epilepsy has placed limits on his childhood and general being a boy-ness. Just the other day at the park there was a 8 year old boy at the very top of the jungle gym. Of course Joe will be doing that someday, but if I am present I will be freaking out. Dr. Z said that if Joe goes swimming either Ryan or I HAVE to be there. He could drown in even one inch of water. She made it clear that it HAS to be Ryan or I there to supervise. Not even just Grandma Mary or Memaw and Papa. I asked her how that would work when he's 15 years old and wants to go swimming with his buddies. He will not want his mommy hanging around. She told us that we'd approach that problem when he is 15. But I get so scared thinking there is an ever present danger lurking in his brain that could cause him to get seriously hurt. I don't want this to hold him back from having a normal childhood. 

I am not wasting my time wishing and complaining that Joe didn't have this condition. It is what it is, and I have to deal with it instead of wishing it away. I DO hope and pray he outgrows it and that he never has another seizure again.

I think all of us who are mothers grow and change as the years pass us by. We go from brand new moms who are scared crapless about everything to moms with more experience who are still scared crapless, but have a little more confidence cutting baby fingernails. This situation has definitely shaped me into a slightly different kind of mother... hopefully a better one.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and kind thoughts and words during this ordeal. It was truly scary, but I definitely felt the peace and calm from your prayers.

Joe's Hospital Stay Part 2

The first part of our ordeal can be found here.

Our first night in the hospital was spent with me crying and replaying the past day's events over and over again. Ryan was asleep on the couch with Sam and all I could hear was their rhythmic breathing. I kept looking at Joe's heart monitor, hoping the pattern of his beating heart would put me to sleep.

The morning came before we knew it and it was actually a good couple of hours. Joe got some breakfast and played with his animals. His two favorite people came- Grandma Mary and Memaw. We hung out in the room and watched cartoons. We also had a suprise visitor- Olympic swimming gold medalist Kaitlin Sandeno from the Jessie Rees Foundation was visiting kids in the hospital and she came by with a Joy Jar full of toys for Joe. She brought her Olympic medals and we go to hold them, which I thought was pretty nifty. She was so nice and it was a wonderful distraction from what was going on.

FOOD!

Kaitlin Sandeno and Joe

Showing Joe her medals

Soon after they left, Joe's neurology team came in. We had already met one of the pediatric neurologists and she had warned us that this "team" was quite large. She wasn't joking! Dr. Cruse was the lead doctor and there were about eight other attendings, fellows, and residents with him. I felt like I was in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I explained (for the 1000th time) what had happened the day before. Strangely enough, Joe had not had a single episode. Dr. Cruse told us that they were going to schedule an EEG and MRI for later that day. Even though these seizures were scary, we actually wanted him to have an episode later during the EEG so we could get some answers.

It was shortly before noon when the nurse told us that Joe would not be able to eat or drink because he would have to be sedated for his MRI. They didn't have an exact time which was frustrating. They also informed us that his EEG was going to be at 2:00. It was around that time that Joe started getting fussy and asking for lunch. We tried our best to distract him with his toys and movies, but he was getting grumpier by the minute. His two nurses came in to take blood for testing and quickly discovered that they were going to need some help because Joe is so strong. I'm not just saying that as a proud mama... I mean this kid is bionic. It was torture to see him held down and screaming while they took blood. They noticed his IV port was kinked, so they had to take that out and re-do it and hooked him up to saline solution. It was hell.

After that was all over, Joe was in quite a mood. He kept screaming and crying for lunch and water. He kept complaining that his penis hurt (from the catheter from the night before) and he was so uncomfortable from holding in his pee. He also kept complaining about his arm hurting. It was then my mom noticed that his arm with the IV was extremely swollen. The IV had burst through his vein and the saline solution was spilling out. This isn't harmful, but it just made him arm look like the Michelin man for the rest of the day. They came to take out the IV, which of course freaked him out.

By that time Joe had hit his limit. He was very tired, hungry, thirsty and afraid. We asked if there was any way we could go down the EEG early because he wanted to sleep so badly. (He wasn't allowed to sleep before the EEG because they wanted him to sleep during the EEG.) No such luck there so we spent the next hour or so comforting Joe, holding him, taking him to the play room and distracting him with walks. It was heartbreaking to see him in such pain and there was nothing I could do. I was so afraid that all of this was going to be useless and we were just torturing him. My mom and Ryan's mom were getting ticked off and asked the nurses if they could get a more definite time for an MRI so maybe he could eat. No one knew anything.

Shortly after the IV debacle... you can see how red his cheeks are and the sweat in his hair.

Finally it was decided that since he hadn't had an episode they were going to do a different kind of EEG. Instead of taking him down to the EEG lab they would bring the equipment up to his room and do a continuous EEG (the one in the lab would have only been about an hour and half or two hours) with a video monitor. Because of the change, they said he could sleep, and while we were waiting for the EEG guy to get upstairs he fell asleep in my arms.

I was hoping that maybe he would be so tired that he would sleep through them putting the electrodes on his head. Of course I was wrong. And of course the guy had to call in a guy to help hold him down. It was 30 minutes of him measuring his head, marking with a marker, "gluing" electrodes on his head, using a little tube shooting out a blast of air to dry the glue, poking a hole in the electrode and then filling the little hole with pink goop that would be a conductor for the electrode. Then the technician wrapped his head with some bandages and put a little hat on. Poor Joe kept screaming "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" and "STOP IT, GUY!" Finally when it was all over Joe didn't try to rip off his new hat. I was so afraid that all the sweating would cause all the electrodes to fall off, and the technician was, too, but everything looked OK when he turned on the machine.

The technician gave us instructions on what to do if he had a seizure.. push a red button, speak into the camera and describe the event, then write it down. Because Joe was hooked up to this machine he couldn't really get out of bed. And because the camera had to be on him at all times, if he even moved to the other end of the bed we had to call a nurse in to move the camera via a computer command. The technician said that once they recorded an event then he could be unhooked. He said he could be hooked up for 5 days. I think my brain shut off for a few minutes so it wouldn't have to process that information.

This shows the bandages he put on after he placed the electrodes

My little gangsta... Thank God he never tried to pull it off! You can see the EEG machine in the background with the camera on him

The electrodes were bundled in this bag, and connected by a 4 foot (or so) cord that attached to the machine

The technician left and the nurse came in with that "I'm so sorry, but you won't like this news" kind of face. She said they still weren't sure when the MRI was going to be, but it would be until at least 9:00 or 10:00 that night. I was like "Oh hell no." We were NOT waiting that long to get him food and water. The EEG guy was 45 minutes late... who knows how late the MRI could be. The nurse completely understood and went to get him some food right away.

With a Lunchable and Sprite he was in a MUCH MUCH better mood. It was still frustrating that he had to be confined to the bed, but we got him some toys and more movies. Ryan and I got some dinner. My best friend's mom and step dad stopped by which was an awesome surprise. They brought some toys and books, which Joe was thrilled about. Soon after they left Ryan's sister and her husband came by to visit Joe. He was still in pain from not being able to pee, but for the most part he was back to his happy self. He was handling it all so well. The nurse also came in to chat (I haven't had the chance to mention how flippin' amazing the nurses were!) and she assured me that Joe would NOT be hooked up to the EEG for 5 days. She said he would have an MRI sometime the next day and they would be taken off before then. I could feel the stress and anxiety over that just float off my shoulders! The rest of the evening was low key and relaxing (as relaxing as being in a hospital can be.)

Joe still hadn't had any seizures. I absolutely hated thinking this, but I wanted him to have on while on the EEG. I wanted answers. What had happened the day before with seizing every hour was NOT normal. I was so afraid they'd just send us home with a big question mark hanging over our heads. We got a call from our awesome pediatrician and he assured us that even if he didn't have a visible seizure, they could still pick up an abnormality on the EEG from him resting. I was hoping and praying for answers.

The next day we got them... just somewhat in an unexpected manner.

Joe's Hospital Stay

Last Wednesday was one of the scariest days of my life.

That is when Joe's seizures began.

Those days in the hospital seem like a dream. Everything is fine now, but sometimes I find myself breaking down in tears thinking about some of the events of the past week.

This is what happened.

Last Wednesday was just a normal day. Joe and Sam were being well behaved. We watched our Daniel Tiger and ate breakfast. Joe made the Sign of the Cross while on the potty. Normal (for us) stuff. We have a tiny little step-stool chair that was right against the bottom of the couch. Joe was sitting in it and out of the corner of my eye I saw his arms fly out, and he made a little noise, almost like something startled him. I looked over at him and he was fine. I figured since I didn't fully see it that he was just being a hyper 3 year old.

About an hour later he was standing on a child's chair at the kitchen sink. I turned my back for one second and when I was turning back around I saw him flying backwards. His arms were flung foward. He landed on his back but seemed fine. I was concerned... I felt like something wasn't right, but again, I saw this fall out of the corner of my eye, so I figured maybe he took a step and lost his balance and fell.

I picked him up and sat him in his booster seat at the kitchen table. I turned around and even though I didn't see anything, I heard his little grunt noise again. It sounded like a cross between getting punched in the gut and being surprised. I had heard this noise maybe once or twice in the last two weeks, accompiannied by seeing him have these little spasms... but they were ALWAYS out of the corner of my eye. I bent down to look at Joe. He seemed fine. I asked him if he was OK and all he wanted was his mac and cheese.

Something wasn't right. My mommy senses were tingling. I knew something was off. But my pediatrician doesn't work on Wednesdays and I wanted him to see Joe, not a substitute doctor. I decided I would wait until Thursday to call. I consulted Dr. Google about seizures, but as soon as I read some of the stuff I freaked and closed the computer. I checked his temperature to see if he was possibly having febrile seizures. His temp was normal. I was confused because these weren't the "normal" seizures that I've seen on TV. These were just a few seconds. 

Since Joe was having these spasms and had already fallen off a chair I decided to put on some movies for him so he could sit and relax. I watched him on the couch and for the first time I saw it. It was 2 seconds. His arms flailed out, he made his gasp/grunt noise... and his eyes rolled back into his head. I knew then that something was SERIOUSLY wrong. I was kind of hoping that he was just messing around before, but it was apparent that he was not.

I immediately called Ryan in tears. "Please don't freak out, " I ordered him in between sobs, "but I think Joe is having small seizures." Of course he freaked out. I heard him run out the door and yell to someone, "I have to leave." He called me when he was on his way home and told me to call the pediatrician. I told him I couldn't because I was crying so hard. He asked how Joe was doing. The weird thing was that after these episodes, he was acting totally normal. It was kind of like a DVD skpping for a split second and then resuming play. But as I was talking to Ryan, he seized again. I didn't care what anyone said, I was going to take him to the E.R.

Ryan got home and the first thing Joe did was take his battery-operated ghost light and ask Ryan for new batteries. Ryan had called the pediatrician's office while driving home, but they hadn't called back. I told him to call them again and tell them we didn't know if this was an emergency since Joe was acting normal. They told us to take him to Children's Mercy Hospital right away.

We gathered up some stuff. Joe was walking toward me when all of a sudden it looked like he was possessed. His knees jerked to the left while the rest of his body jerked right and he fell to the floor. He laid there and started to whimper. He knew that something scary had just happened. I scooped him up and we rushed out the door. As we were walking to the van he had another spasm in my arms.

We weren't sure if we should go to the hospital that was closest to us or go to Children's Mercy. We decided that Children's Mercy would be better. We had just been there a couple of weeks prior for Sam's surgery, and Joe loves the "hopittle." In fact when I told him before Ryan got home that we might go to the hospital he started begging to go.

I kept Joe awake while we were driving and recorded him to capture if he had any more spams. He was tired, but remained awake, but with no episodes. We finally got to the E.R. and waited. And waited. And waited. A woman there with her daughter said they had been there for two hours. That didn't alarm me until he started having them in the E.R. That didn't make them pick up the pace quicker, but seeing Joe go back to coloring and walking around the animal-themed E.R. probably didn't help his case! I hovered over him everywhere he went incase he fell down. We called our moms. My mom told me she was on her way from my hometown which was 2 hours away. Ryan's mom was there in like 2 seconds to take care of Sam. My mother in law saw first hand his episodes and I saw the concern in her eyes.

Finally... FINALLY we got into an E.R. room. Right after the nurse left he had another one, so we started keeping track of how often they occured. We spent a few more hours in the E.R. A resident came in and assessed him and witnessed one herself. She started talking about the fact that he used to have reflux as a baby might be causing these spasms in his esophagus and that could be the reason for his episodes. They were going to run some labs and a CT to be sure. When she left I looked at Ryan and said, "This is NOT because of reflux." I don't like it when people have an "I know better than a doctor" attitude, but I just knew this was something in his brain. We caught another episode on Ryan's iPhone. The attending physician came in and he had another big, powerful spasm. It knocked him on his back, so thankfully he was sitting on the bed. He said, "Whoah!" afterward. These spasms were getting stronger, still very brief but it was overcoming him. It was scaring the ever living crap out of me.

The medical staff took a urine sample via catheter (which made the rest of our stay miserable because he wouldn't go to the bathroom the rest of the time there because it stung so bad) and took blood. It was amazing because he didn't scream or cry at all when they took blood and inserted an IV port. I think he was more curious than anything.We took him to get his CT scan and he did NOT like that at all. It was hard to get him to lay still.

A neurology resident came in. He was writing something down when he missed an episode, but they were coming so close together that he witnessed two others for himself. That's when he mentioned myoclonic seizures... short, brief spasms where the arms shoot out. He was definitely going to be admitted.

My mom and mother in law were there keeping us company. Nurses, admissions officers and doctors/residents were coming and going. Joe had requested a picture of a jungle to color and a very nice woman from child life services came in and gave him one and some cars for him and Sam to play with. We spent the rest of the time waiting for a room. He was having these seizures every hour... sometimes only 10 minutes in between. The attending doctor came in and told us there was an abnormality seen on the CT, but that could possibly be from him moving. They were going to do an MRI the next day.

I was scared, tired and confused. Joe never gets sick. He never saw his pediatrician between his 2 year and 3 year well-child check ups. He is always so spunky and full of life. What the heck was causing this?

I felt so completely helpless.

It was around 8:30-9:00 p.m. before we were moved up to a real room. Ryan had gone home to get some stuff and some dinner. My mom stayed with me to help care for Sam. She left soon after Ryan came back. We settled into our room. I snuggled with my baby boy on the bed. His last episode was at 10:00. He was wired so he kept whispering stuff and playing with my hair. It was around 11:00 when he finally drifted to sleep. I cried and cried and cried and hugged my Joe. You'd think that the day's events would have worn me out, but I got about one hour of sleep. I should have gotten more rest because the next day was even worse...

More later.. 

Showing off his IV port in the E.R.

Peter Pan and the Jerk Factor

For Joe's birthday we got him the old Disney movie Peter Pan. I thought it would be great for a little boy. Pirates, adventure, imagination... all wonderful parts of childhood, right? Then Joe watched it and as soon as Peter said girls talk too much I started paying attention. I could go on and on about what bothered me in this movie, but basically... Peter Pan is a movie full of super mean people. Tinkbell is mean, Peter is cocky and mean, those horrid mermaids are mean (and attempted murderers.) Captain Hook is mean, but that's to be expected.

I'm not quite sure of the moral of the story with this movie. I haven't watched the whole thing beginning to end because that's impossible with two tiny people trying to mutiny against you. There very well could be a very solid message to this movie, but with all the cruelty and bullying going on, it's hard to tell.

I was tempted to put this movie onto my "hide the DVD box" list. It's not like I will forbid him from seeing it, but the movie just annoys me so much that I'd rather him not see it for awhile. This list is long... Cailou and Yo Gabba Gabba are also on here. This list contains programming that generally annoys me and/or that I think contains a poor message.

Some people might think I'm overreacting. It's just Disney. It's just a classic cartoon. Rest assured, I know all this. We are not those parents who are overly strict with what we will let our kids watch. We don't ban Santa Claus or tell him fairies are of the devil. There will obviously be some programming that will not be allowed, but classic Disney is not on that list. It's more of a "I won't encourage them to watch this show because it bugs the crap out of me" sort of list.

But all this got me thinking. I know that young children should limit their TV time, blah blah blah... but what I think is more important is for parents to WATCH the shows their children are watching and explain what is going on. Instead of shoving Peter Pan in the back of the DVD case maybe I should let him watch it and point out how we shouldn't be mean to others. Maybe this could be a good opportunity to teach him a thing or two about manners and how to treat others.

But is age three too young to do that? Do you sit with your children and explain what they are watching? 

Or should I just shut up and let him enjoy his cartoons?

Joe's Birthday Festival Weekend

Holy buckets, folks. I am tiiiiiiiiiiired. This weekend was Joe's birthday celebration festival hoopla.

I spent Thursday and Friday deep cleaning the house. Usually I just clean the main rooms that people will see (living room, bathroom, kitchen) and shut the doors to the rooms that look like hell and pray no one opens them for fear mountains of unfolded laundry will fall on them and trap them forever.. But this time the cleaning bug hit me hard and I organized and dusted our bedroom and Joe's room and deep cleaned every nook and cranny in the house. Lawdy, it needed it.

Friday night we decorated while Joe was asleep so he would be surprised the next morning. He ran out to the living room and as soon as he saw the big dinosaur Happy Birthday banner and the other dino decorations he exclaimed, "WOOOAAAHHH!!!" It was great. My mom came early to spend some time with us before the craziness of the party started which made Joe very happy. For the first time like EVER he went down for a nap with no objections because we told him that his party would be here when he woke up.

Oh my goodness he was SO SO SO excited when his guests started showing up. He ran out to greet most of them. Our family and friends crammed into our tiny house and celebrated all things Joe. We opened presents and in true fashion he tossed the clothes aside and shrieked in joy at all his toys. Then we had cake and ice cream. As we sang happy birthday to him he sang along with us. He spent the rest of the day playing with his toys and his friends.

Sunday we all went to Mass together. It's the first time we have all gone together since Yellowstone! We spent the rest of the day relaxing.

Yesterday was actually Joe's birthday. We went super early to the zoo to beat the crowds and the heat and Joe had a blast. He loves animals so he was so excited to see everything. We definitely made the right decision to go early. The last 45 minutes we were there were spent fighting the crowds. We went to Winsteads to eat lunch and then to Ryan's parents for another little party. Needless to say, we all were pooped out.

In similar fashion to how I was feeling after Sam's birthday, I felt blue and bummed out after Joe's birthday. I am always one who can't wait for the future, but so often that causes me to not cherish what is going on right in front of me. I am so ready for our life to have some sort of stability that I forget that Joe isn't going to be this little forever. Someday he'll be a stinky teenager who thinks I'm lame. Right now he is sitting next to me with his head on my shoulder while wearing a Kermit the Frog hat and watching Toy Story. That's my cue, folks. Time to close the ol' laptop and watch Woody and Buzz with my son.

So far year three is turning out wonderful! Can't wait for the rest of the year's adventures!

 

 

The dinosaur set up

This cake came from my hometown about 2 hours away and it was DELICIOUS!

Ready to party!

Mommy and Daddy with the birthday boy. Sam was snoozing. And yes, he had a dino shirt, too!

Joe with Grandma Mary

Kermit hat

He was singing along with us!

Hugging his new dino

Why I think 3 will be fun

I just realized that the title of this post may convey why I think three CHILDREN will be fun. While I am sure that is true, this isn't some pregnancy announcement!

In less than a week Joe will turn three years old. Ryan and I have said for a couple months now that we think Joe might have the "terrible threes" rather than the "terrible twos." Our personalities are really clashing now that he's becoming more and more independent. There are more many, many, many, many more tantrums now than when he was two. Maybe they are more infuriating because we can't use the "oh we just can't communicate" excuse. There are days I want to pull my hair out and start hitting the wine bottle because maybe that would make the "I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE, MOMMY! I'M AWAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!" coming from his bedroom as soon as I put him down for a nap a little more bearable.

But as much as there are times I feel like my brain is going to explode there are those times that my face hurts from smiling so much. Joe has matured so much in the last few months. It seems like in lightning speed he's gone from a bumbling toddler to a little social human being.

I realized on Sam's birthday just how much fun Joe's birthday will be. Joe enthusiastically opened all Sam's presents and even started the chorus of Happy Birthday without being prompted. I think this is the first birthday he actually understands the concept of birthday. I'm so excited for him to see his party guests.  I can't wait for the excited happy look on his face when he opens presents. I wonder how he'll react to everyone singing to him. At least I know he can blow out his candles. Last year he just kind of blew raspberries at them. We're planning on decorating for the party the night before while he's asleep to surprise him the next morning. It's going to be a dinosaur theme. And we are so doing this for the party:

Don't judge us cuz we're awesome.

Thinking about how Joe is more aware of what's going on makes me excited for this upcoming holiday season. Each fall we go to Vala's Pumpkin Patch in Gretna, NE. We've gone the last two years with a group of my cousins. The first year, when he was one, he had a blast. Last year.. he had just turned two... and the terribleness was coming out. But this year I think will be fun. He won't be so afraid of the petting zoo and he'll probably want to do more the activities. Or he could be a holy hell terror... but I prefer to keep an open mind!

Joe when he was 13 months old

The one thing I am hesitant on is Halloween. I've seen the fear factor creep into his eyes these last few weeks. Just a couple weeks ago we were all sleeping in bed and he woke up saying there was a bear in the bed. He was pointing to Sam. I turned on the light to show him it was his brother. He said, "Oh." then looked a little closer to be sure, and then he really figured it out and said, "OOOOH!!!" An hour later he woke up saying there was another bear, but it was just a shirt hanging by our closet. Just this week he tells me he doesn't want to watch certain movies because they are "'cary" and has insisted I remove Buzz, Woody and Jesse from his bed at night. Just today he said the crack between the bed and the wall was scary. I think we are entering the realm of fear. I've written about my thoughts about the scariness on Halloween before, but this year I think we're going to have to be extra cautious. I do think he'll be excited to dress up and get candy. I'm sure he'll ask to watch The Great Pumpkin fifty times a day, but judging by the worried look on his face while looking at the inflatable Halloween decorations at Wal-Mart... this may be a tricky holiday.

I don't blame Joe for being freaked out.

Joe at 13 months helping us carve a pumpkin

I can't wait for fall and to show him how the season is changing. I can't wait to rake up leaves and have him jump in them. I can't wait to fix yummy crock pot meals and watch the Chiefs play when we get back from Mass. I can't wait to teach him about Thanksgiving and how we should count our blessings.

Don't EVEN get me started on Christmas. Oh, Lawdy. I revert into a seven year old at Christmastime... always have. But now that Joe will be a little more aware of what's going on... I'm going to go all Buddy the Elf. I will be just as excited as he will to see Santa and all the lights and presents because I will get to see that magic and wonderment in his eyes. So often I feel like I fail in teaching Joe about God, but I think Advent will be a perfect opportunity to start. Maybe, just maybe.... I can finally start doing all those Catholic liturgical crafts because Joe might understand it now!

Joe at 15 months being amazed at the Christmas village at Crown Center

I have always loved this time of year. It's magical to me. Even my melancholic personality seems to fizzle away in the months of September, October, November and December.

I really do think three will be a fun year. Sam is starting to walk all over the place and he laughs hysterically at Joe all the time. Joe often encorages Sam to walk and says, "Good walkin'!" I know there will be those maddening times when they start to fight over stuff, but absolutley cannot wait to see how their relationship develops.

And I can't wait to see how Joe's relationship develops with Ryan and me. He's talking so much now and we actually have conversations. Sometimes Ryan and I will be talking in the car and Joe will just butt in with some story about a lion and a dinosaur. We can actually sit down and watch a movie together and talk about it. He asks me to sing songs and how things work and what is the monkey's name and it. is. so. fun.

Seeing him run around in super hero underwear instead of diapers makes me realize just how fast he is growing up. So much has changed in a year and I know more changes are coming in leaps and bounds!

Happy almost 3rd birthday to my Joe. Words cannot express the love and joy I have in my heart because you are in my life!

Turning 2... he still looks so babyish!

Almost 3... my little hero!

BACK FROM THE BLOGGING DEAD!

Have I become that blog?

The one that's buried deep within your reader? The one that has become so boring and bland that you've just given up reading? Perhaps even deleted it off into a cyberspace grave yard?

Ah, I wouldn't blame you if you've left. What once was a blog full of insightful posts about Catholicism, motherhood, and musings on life has become quite stale. And I haven't had the chance to catch up on your blog either. According to my Bloglovin' page I have about 300+ unread blog posts. Half of you are probably pregnant, gotten a new job or remodeled your house and I wouldn't know about it!

But for the first time since June 3rd, I am at my computer with a blank screen in front of me and I don't have to worry about reading 500 anatomy and physiology pages, memorizing all the muscles, bones, and cranial and spinal nerves, packing for a family reunion or trip or preparing for some nursing school exam. Tonight was night one of putting Sam on a sleeping schedule which was a miserable failure, but he is snuggled in bed with Ryan. Any minute now Joe could come bursting from his room, but for now I am enjoying the hum of the air conditioner and the Civil Wars playing in the back ground.

My summer has gone by in the blink of an eye thanks to a very intense class. I loved, loved, LOVED my anatomy and physiology class, but it was a 6 credit hour class that is normally 16 weeks crammed into 8 weeks. I was in class Monday-Thursday 9:00-12:30. I had to drive about 30 minutes to get to my class during the morning rush hour and then drive 30 minutes back home during the busy noon hour. I don't think I have ever worked so hard for a class before, including my senior seminar for theology.

I feel like I missed out on a lot of fun summery-type things with my boys because as soon as I got home from class I hit the books. I would be ready to pass out at 9:30... which left me very little time for anything.

Class ended July 25th. Two days later we left for a 10 day vacation to Yellowstone and South Dakota. Then as soon as we got back we basically had to get ready for Sam's first birthday party by organizing, deep cleaning, painting and hanging up pictures that we still haven't put up since we moved here in April. Today is  basically my first day to finally take a breath.

My last post was a request for prayers for a very important nursing school entrance exam. I never updated on that little gem, because a wrench has been thrown in my plan. I did well on the TEAS. However, I had to take another test. It was a placement test and it placed me lower than the nursing program's accepted score for math. I had about 5 days to relearn algebra and retake the test to bring up my score (during finals week of my class and when I was supposed to be packing for my vacation, I might add.) I retook the test and got 9 points below the required score. Awesome. I still plan on applying for the program this week and hope my having a bachelor's degree will help. There's no interview process so I can't dazzle them with my witty personality. It's all paper. I am also planning on taking a math class and rearranging my schedule so I can take some other classes to apply for a different program next year.

I was extremely upset at first when this all went down. I have worked so. damn. hard. to do well in my prerequisite classes. I have sacrificed time with my husband and kids. My husband had to pull double duty- as soon as he came home from a full day's work he had to take care of the boys, clean, do laundry and cook and listen to me complain about school and how stressed I was. And it all could be for naught due to 9 points on a placement test. But who knows... maybe a miracle will occur and I'll be accepted into the program. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I have missed blogging and reading blogs. But in some ways it just seems like just another thing to worry about. I often wondered if I would be missed if I just stopped blogging for good. I felt out of the loop. Then I got depressed thinking about it all... I hate that I'm lacking that passion for writing. I used to jump into a post all excited and eager to express myself and for the world to read my words. Now I worry no one is left to read my writing. I worry more about the fact that I have no energy or motivation to write anything. Calah, Simcha, Jen, Hallie, Dwija, Cari... I want to be where you are. I want the right words to come out at the right time. I want my words to help others. Maybe I just need my words to help myself.

Don't leave yet. Trust me, I know, I get so annoyed with those people who constantly post those "poor me!" posts. It seems like everyone is going through something. And it seems like that's all I've really posted about. I've said for months and months that I need to get in to see a doctor about my depression. But I keep thinking "I have no problems sleeping, for the most part. I don't cry all the time. Everyone seems to be depressed so it must not be a big thing. I'm fine." But I have no passion. I have energy but no mental energy. And it's not one of those "I'm a mom to two small children" energy zaps. I just feel so spiritually blah. I've felt this way for a long long time. And I think it's time for me to get help. But, alas, I am the Queen of Procrastinators, so you might get a few more "I need to..." posts.

What I miss most is my passion for God. I used to get all Buddy the Elf giddy when something Catholic related came out. Now I'm all like "Meh" and play another game of Candy Crush. I used to devour Catholic books and what have you, but now I'm lucky enough if I have enough energy to read Entertainment Weekly.

Well, that's enough complaining for now. Now that I have my blogging mojo back, I'll spread out my misery in multiple posts. :-) It's picture explosion time! I'll post some photos from our summer.

Started the summer off by celebrating the 50th jubilee of my hometown priest, Fr. Reginald. He blessed our engagement, was the priest at our wedding, blessed my pregnancy with Joe, baptized Joe, and was a key part in getting me to Benedictine to start this whole journey!

Had our annual family reunion in Tightwad, MO. This year's theme was cowboy. Joe had a blast! He sang and danced and even won an award for his stick horse. Sam was just plain cute. 

These next bajillion pictures are from our trip that my dad generously paid for. There's a mix of the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Buffalo Bill Dam, rainbows in Wyoming, Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, fun in Keystone during Sturgis, Reptile Gardens, and Wall Drug. 

I hope you enjoyed these photos. I have even more from Sam's first birthday party, but I'll save those for another day! :-)

Thanks for sticking with me if you're still reading this!