Summer School...

Hey y'all.

I started my summer class today. I knew going into it that it was going to be hard work. One look at the syllabus and I kissed my summer goodbye. I'm taking anatomy and physiology, thankfully a subject I think is really cool, but it's tough enough as a regular 16 week semester course... and I'm taking it in 8 weeks!

That's not the only stressful part. Thankfully my inlaws are super awesome and are watching my boys this summer. That is BEYOND helpful. But my class was moved from 11:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. So that means I have to drive through downtown Kansas City in rush hour AND construction. Normally that doesn't bother me, but I CANNOT be late to my class and I have very precious cargo with me. Everyone around me in their cars looks like this:

Walking to class is an adventure as well. I feel like I'm in a real-life version of Frogger. I guess I can't shake off my small-town-ness.

It is extremely important that I do well in this class, so I will be taking a break from blogging. I know I always say that, but this is fo realz. The nursing program is very competitive, and I'm getting into the the home stretch of applying. So any prayers would be appreciated.

So my summer will be full of this:

 

I'd rather be doing this:

 

So that's going to be my summer. And the really romantic falling asleep on my husband...

The adventure continues!

Quick Takes Friday "The A Edition"

I actually have stuff to write about this week! Huzzah!

1.
Yesterday my final grades for my two classes were posted.

I got As, baby!!!

You have no idea how happy this makes me. I got As in college (well, my third college.... DEFINITELY not at the first two I attended!) but I'm so proud of these As because I worked my butt off. And it was NOT easy with two children.

Trying to study #1

Trying to study #2

Trying to study #3

I may have done a fist-pumping, booty-shaking victory dance that frightened my children, but hey, I'm happy!

2.
Another bright little gem of my week? My Mother's Day present came in the mail on Monday!

There is one girl in my chemistry class who you can tell is.... eh... let's just say... you can tell she isn't a fan of the sci-fi/fantasy genre. She saw my phone and was like "Ohmygawd, what's on your phone?" I told her it was from Doctor Who. She looked confused. I told her it was a time machine/space craft. I could see the confusion and disinterest flooding over her face. I felt like a complete nerd... it was awesome!

3.
Ryan decided it was his turn to pick a TV show to watch since we are all caught up with Doctor Who. He picked The Walking Dead, which doesn't surprise me because he loves zombie stuff. A lot of my friends love it, so I was really interested in seeing what it's all about.

So far I'm really liking it. There are a few times I think it's super depressing and hopeless and I'm sure all my favorite characters will die like in Game of Thrones. But there is a lot of wonderful conversation about the value of human life, the existence of God, the value of redemption and hope, and just how screwed up people can get in a fight or flight mentality.

But oh my stars... is there A LOT of blood and gore. Many times I have to turn my head away... bleck. Sometimes there is SO much blood and gore that it's just ridiculously fake (I know it's all fake, but seriously, some of it is just redonkulous.) We are almost half way through season 2 on Netflix. I hope they get season 3 on there soon!

4.
Sigh... we have a bit of a potty mouth in our midst. Joe frequently says, "Damn it!" when he's frustrated. It's totally Ryan's and my fault, and you can save all your scolding, because I already feel horrible! We've redirected him to say "Aww, man!" when he's frustrated. It works most of the time....

5.
Since we aren't around other kids a lot of the time I'm not sure if Joe's speech is on target. I read a couple months ago where they should be putting sentences together, and Joe doesn't do that a whole lot (besides cussing...) He does put words together, but it's hard to understand sometimes. However, his very first clear as day three-word sentence came out recently. It has been a little on the warm side this past week and I refuse to turn on the air conditioners. We usually close Joe's door for bedtime, but this week we've been keeping it open after he falls asleep because it gets so darn hot in there. Well now when he wakes up he yells clear as day "CLOSE THE DOOR!" I'm waiting for the day he says that when he's a teenager...

6. 
So I survived my first couch to 5K workout. I didn't die, I didn't quit and I didn't have Ryan come pick me up. I really have no idea how I will get past week 1, but I'm sure it can be done. I have a lot of encouraging friends!

7.
Do y'all know I've been cloth diapering for that past couple of months? I have a post planned on my CD adventures.... I hope to get around to it soon! :-)

Have a great weekend! Go to Conversion Diary for more Quick Takes!

Real Food, Running, and Weight Loss

Remember that post I wrote a few months back about trying to learn more about real food?

Yeah, that hasn't happened.

I started Weight Watchers in March so I've cut out some processed foods and have added more fruits and veggies. I'm staying away from sugar, fat and fast food. So I suppose its a step in the right direction. However, if you want to take my asptertame-filled Diet Dr. Pepper from me you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

Sometimes I have read comments like this on certain message boards: "We eat real food and it's awesome! I can never go back to processed foods again! I ate McDonalds yesterday and I felt sick all day!" I admit that I would always roll my eyes and think they were being a wee bit dramatic.

Well, I was wrong.

Like I said, I'm not all about real food, but I'm eating better since starting Weight Watchers. However, I've been totally pigging out these last few days. On Mother's Day I had three Krispy Kreme donughts and chocolate milk for breakfast, Winsteads for lunch and did NOT use portion control on the BBQ we had later that night. Weight Watchers allows you to have treats now and then, but I went a little overboard.

On Monday night I had my chemistry final. He said we could show up at 6:00 to take it early so I got there at 5:30. He didn't show up until 6:30 and then told us we had to wait until everybody arrived. We didn't start until 7:15. I was on edge and the final was a little more difficult that I had anticpated. So when I got home I had a giant bowl of ice cream.

On Tuesday my brother and I went to visit my mom and ate at the bar and grill. I could have had a salad. But no- I ate a hamburger and some greasy fries instead.

Later that night I felt like complete crap. I felt like my tummy was going to explode in more ways than one. I just wanted to crawl in a ball and cry- that's how bad my stomach hurt. Thankfully when I woke up I felt a little better. I had slept off my food hangover.

So I apologize to those I thought were being drama queens when they complained about their aching tummy after eating crap food. You were soooo not joking.

In other news, I've decided to run. I can be very ambitious sometimes, and I fear that this may fizzle away like my plans to freelance write or teaching myself to sew. But I downloaded the Nike Run app and Couch to 5K app so we'll see how it goes. Yesterday Ryan and I took the boys out on a walk. I tried to run to see how far I could go without feeling like I was going to die, but a certain 2 year old would scream bloody murder every time I would take off.

I am not a runner. I know everybody says that, but I just cannot breathe when I run. I sometimes wonder if I have exercised induced asthma. I know that sounds like some excuse a kid comes up with to get out of gym class, but it's a real thing. I have the lung capacity of a kitten. Needless to say, I'd be screwed in a zombie apocalypse.

Still, I'm going to try my best to get moving. I have a few blogging friends who talk about how they never used to run and they are running 5Ks and half marathons. That sounds like an awesome feeling to cross that finish line. Maybe someday.

My weight loss is going well. I'm about 9 lbs away from my goal weight. The weight has been coming off steadily and I haven't had any major setbacks besides my 3 day pig out festival.

I'm not sure why I haven't been all gung-ho on my weight loss journey this time. I wrote about it like crazy the last time. Maybe because I've already met my goal before so the thrill isn't quite as exciting. Plus, I not a big fan of going to meetings at Weight Watcher centers. The meetings I went to before were independently held and much smaller. The encouragement and camaraderie was great. I suppose if I was actually going to meetings consistently I might think differently.  For now I just go and weigh in and leave and get pissy when the receptionist forgets to give me my 5lb star sticker!

I can tell my energy levels have taken a boost since starting WW. I'm not quite as lethargic as I was before. I feel I have more stamina and endurance. I can wrestle around and play with my kids. I know I am taking a step in the right direction.

I'll let you know how the running goes. If I don't blog for awhile it's because I'm still on the corner of Brooktree and Bales Avenue trying to catch my breath.

Really Quick Takes Friday!

I have a very busy day ahead of me, so these Quick Takes are going to be REALLY quick!

1.
I wanted to take a minute to thank those who commented on my post about struggling with motherhood. It's still hard, but I do manage to find some iota of patience throughout the day. Your wisdom and kind words really helped me out!

Joe is still quite ornery. But oh oh flippin' adorable!

 

 2.
Sam is getting quite the personality as well. He's just so happy! He's starting to get a little bit more adventurous each day by climbing all over stuff!

3. 
We really need to do some work to our backyard. It's getting pretty red-neck around these here parts. And yes, that is a piece of gutter that Joe is playing with.

4.
Joe insists on sleeping with a hat each night. For the longest time it was his fedora that my mom got him for Easter. Now it's his daddy's new John Deere hat!

5.
Last weekend we went back to my hometown because an old close friend of mine got married. Sam was fascinated by my mom's cat.  It won't be too much longer that he'll be running after her trying to pull her tail!

6.
Joe partied hard at the wedding reception. It was very warm in there so we had to take his shirt off! I used to think that Joe looked so much like Ryan. Now I think he is starting to morph into me!

7.
I took my online class final this week. It was a total joke, but I did get a 100% on it and an A in the class. I have my chemistry final on Monday... I'm really nervous about that! I've been working my butt off this semester to get an A, and I don't want one test to bring me down!

Have a great weekend! Be sure to stop by Conversion Diary for more Quick Takes!

WIWS #2

Well, lookie here... I dressed up again this week! I'm glad I'm back to the point where dressing up is fun again!

A dear friend from high school got married this weekend so I wore the same thing I wore to Mass that I wore to her wedding. I bought the shirt and sweater yesterday in a 5 minute shopping spree. Since it is so flingin'-flangin' cold I had to wear black pants but I didn't have any spring-like tops so I ran in to find something. Ryan stayed in the van with two screaming boys, so I had to hurry! I didn't even try them on, so thank God they fit!

I had such a great weekend catching up with friends! I hope your weekend was splendid as well!

Shirt: Target

Sweater: Target

Pants: JC Penny

Shoes: Target

Head on over to Mandi's at Messy Wife, Blessed Life to see what others are wearing this Sunday!

I am a mean mom

Every mom has those days. Those days where the hours drag on and it's one tantrum after another. Those days where you count the hours until your husband comes back home. Those days you just want to quit motherhood.


I knew even before Joe was born that motherhood wasn't going to be easy. I knew it would be hard but I was slapped in the face with the realization that it was a thousand times harder than I thought it would be starting around 30 minutes after Joe was born.

I didn't think it could get any harder.

These last few weeks have been especially difficult with Joe. I thought I knew what the terrible twos looked like... psh.... what a joke. These latest outbursts, screams, hitting, plowing into Sam... they are so much worse compared to a few months ago. Will the age of three be worse than two?

I am not quite sure what is going on with Joe. Maybe because of this shit-tastic Midwest weather he feels like he's been cooped up for too long. Maybe now that Sam is very mobile he feels like he has to compete for our attention. Maybe my give-him-the-iPad-so-he'll-leave-me-the-hell-alone tactics are backfiring and he's overstimulated and has brain rot.

What upsets me most is how ashamed I am at my behavior. I know we all lose patience with our kids, but I have no patience to lose. As soon as we get up in the morning he ticks me off and I'm yelling. I'm screaming. I'm slamming down plates and cups. Then a day-long struggle of wills plays out. Now, don't think I'm slapping him around and denying him food or anything, but when I look back at the end of the day at my behavior with Joe I cringe. I used to be patient and calm with him. I used to be able to ignore his screams. Maybe now that I have a crawling, cruising, teething Sam to worry about my patience is nonexistent. But the bad part is, I even lose my patience with Sam. When my bladder is nearly bursting and I take a quick minute and set him down and run to the bathroom and he comes crawling after me bawling, I yell out, "Just leave me alone!!!" Soon he comes around the corner toward the bathroom door with big giant tears in his eyes and he reaches out to me and I feel like a big pile of crap.

He's only 9 months old. Joe is only 2 years old. I can't expect them to act like they're visiting with the bloody Queen of England. I can't expect them to act like adults. I am the one who should be acting like an adult and yet I'm the throwing tantrums, pouting and yelling.

I hate it when I see the fear creep onto Joe's face when he knows I'm going to yell. I hate myself when I yell. I hate it that when Ryan calls me at 11:00 each day while on his lunch break I always lament to him that it has been a day from hell. I'm tired of being tired of motherhood. I'm tired of going into fits of range and annoyance. I'm tired of feeling heartwrenchingly guilty when he places a bucket on my head, kisses my nose and calls me a princess. I'm tired of that punched in the gut feeling thinking that a majority of the time Joe sees me being a mean mom instead of a loving and caring mom. With all that is going on in our world we never know when God will call us home. What if Joe's last memory of me is me giving him a swat on the butt and yelling at him for constantly kicking me during diaper changes?

Maybe the weather is affecting me, but I just feel like I'm in a pit and I can't get out. I'm exercising 5 days a week, eating healthy and taking my vitamins, so I am taking care of myself. Sometimes I think I think this anxiety and stress is more than the normal course. I often feel that I need to bite the bullet and look into therapy or medication. But my pride and laziness gets in the way. I know depression and anxiety are common. But I have a hard time differentiating between the normal blahs that everyone faces from time to time and the serious stuff. Somedays I think I'm fine... others I want to drown myself in Ghirardelli chocolate and wine. (But that's like 57 Weight Watcher points. So that's a no go.)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this stay-at-home mom thing. I wonder how I will feel when I enter the workforce. Sometimes I feel like I need a very long break, yet I can't stand being away from the boys for too long. It's such a double-edged sword.

I keep thinking that if my attitude changed, then so will Joe's. I'm sure all the yelling, screaming, pouting that Joe does is being exacerbated by my own antics. Toddlers are going to be little butt heads, but they learn so much from the parent.

I know that it will get easier with time. I know I am in one of the hardest times of parenthood. But I want to enjoy this time because there is a lot of joy to be found. I love seeing Joe and Sam play and laugh together. I become amazed at Joe talking about "ceratots" (triceratops) and other "ar-saurs." Just watching Joe play with Legos and Sam watching him in amazement are moments that won't last forever. I don't want to spend these moments frazzled and frustrated. I don't want to spend these precious few years hoping they'd hurry up to a somewhat easier age. I just want to enjoy this time, but it's so damn hard.

Prayers please as I finish out these last few weeks of school and then look into some time to refocus and recharge.

Writing About C-sections... again!

I'm over at the awesome Fumbling Toward Grace blog writing about mommy wars and c-sections. Hop on over there if you'd like!

Also, I'd like to add kind of an addition because this is the third time this has come up. I don't mean to scold those women who say to other women who have just had a c-section, "I'm sorry you had to have a c-section." The reason it bothers me is that it was said to me when I had my first c-section and that really knocked me down a few pegs. I was already upset that my birth didn't go the way I had planned. I understand these friends just wanted to share in my mourning, but I just needed to hear "He is so cute!" "How are you feeling? You look fabulous!" and "Anything I can do to help you guys out?" That might just be me. I'm a sensitive soul. I've had a couple comments from women hoping they didn't hurt their friend's feelings by expressing their sorrow at them having to have a c-section. I doubt they did hurt their friends' feelings. Still, if you are dealing with a postpartum, major surgery recovering, natural birth wanting mother then these words can possibly sting.

That being said, I don't think that women who are mourning over having a c-section when they so desperately wanted a vaginal birth should be made to feel like they have nothing to be sorrowful about. When I expressed my feelings of heartbreak over having a c-section I had a few people make me feel like a horrible monster. I was healthy and so was my baby and that's all that should matter. Well... that is true... but for a woman who just had her birthing dreams dashed, she has the right to mourn. It took me a long time to come to the realization that birth isn't just about the mom and that I am not always in control and that God's will doesn't always match up with my own. But when your incision on you abdomen is still fresh so is that incision on your heart from your birthing dreams were dashed. Here is an example. Some women dream their whole lives of having the perfect wedding and they have that vision stuck in their head. Then a freak snow storm occurs and half the guest list doesn't show up and flowers all wilt and the groom gets their late  because his car slid off into a ditch. Some of us envision our birthing experience for years like we do our wedding day. A c-section can be that freak snow storm. Yes, you still got married, and the wedding was just one day, but we often look back on our wedding day and we want to look back knowing it went the way we had dreamed. The same thing goes for the day you give birth to your child.

Anywho, I just had to get that off my chest. C-sections are a very sensitive topic for some women. For others they are all about the repeat c-section and have no problems going back under the knife. My main goal for this blog post on Sarah's blog is to point out to people that c-sections are a big deal for some women, both physically and emotionally.