Every mom has those days. Those days where the hours drag on and it's one tantrum after another. Those days where you count the hours until your husband comes back home. Those days you just want to quit motherhood.
I knew even before Joe was born that motherhood wasn't going to be easy. I knew it would be hard but I was slapped in the face with the realization that it was a thousand times harder than I thought it would be starting around 30 minutes after Joe was born.
I didn't think it could get any harder.
These last few weeks have been especially difficult with Joe. I thought I knew what the terrible twos looked like... psh.... what a joke. These latest outbursts, screams, hitting, plowing into Sam... they are so much worse compared to a few months ago. Will the age of three be worse than two?
I am not quite sure what is going on with Joe. Maybe because of this shit-tastic Midwest weather he feels like he's been cooped up for too long. Maybe now that Sam is very mobile he feels like he has to compete for our attention. Maybe my give-him-the-iPad-so-he'll-leave-me-the-hell-alone tactics are backfiring and he's overstimulated and has brain rot.
What upsets me most is how ashamed I am at my behavior. I know we all lose patience with our kids, but I have no patience to lose. As soon as we get up in the morning he ticks me off and I'm yelling. I'm screaming. I'm slamming down plates and cups. Then a day-long struggle of wills plays out. Now, don't think I'm slapping him around and denying him food or anything, but when I look back at the end of the day at my behavior with Joe I cringe. I used to be patient and calm with him. I used to be able to ignore his screams. Maybe now that I have a crawling, cruising, teething Sam to worry about my patience is nonexistent. But the bad part is, I even lose my patience with Sam. When my bladder is nearly bursting and I take a quick minute and set him down and run to the bathroom and he comes crawling after me bawling, I yell out, "Just leave me alone!!!" Soon he comes around the corner toward the bathroom door with big giant tears in his eyes and he reaches out to me and I feel like a big pile of crap.
He's only 9 months old. Joe is only 2 years old. I can't expect them to act like they're visiting with the bloody Queen of England. I can't expect them to act like adults. I am the one who should be acting like an adult and yet I'm the throwing tantrums, pouting and yelling.
I hate it when I see the fear creep onto Joe's face when he knows I'm going to yell. I hate myself when I yell. I hate it that when Ryan calls me at 11:00 each day while on his lunch break I always lament to him that it has been a day from hell. I'm tired of being tired of motherhood. I'm tired of going into fits of range and annoyance. I'm tired of feeling heartwrenchingly guilty when he places a bucket on my head, kisses my nose and calls me a princess. I'm tired of that punched in the gut feeling thinking that a majority of the time Joe sees me being a mean mom instead of a loving and caring mom. With all that is going on in our world we never know when God will call us home. What if Joe's last memory of me is me giving him a swat on the butt and yelling at him for constantly kicking me during diaper changes?
Maybe the weather is affecting me, but I just feel like I'm in a pit and I can't get out. I'm exercising 5 days a week, eating healthy and taking my vitamins, so I am taking care of myself. Sometimes I think I think this anxiety and stress is more than the normal course. I often feel that I need to bite the bullet and look into therapy or medication. But my pride and laziness gets in the way. I know depression and anxiety are common. But I have a hard time differentiating between the normal blahs that everyone faces from time to time and the serious stuff. Somedays I think I'm fine... others I want to drown myself in Ghirardelli chocolate and wine. (But that's like 57 Weight Watcher points. So that's a no go.)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this stay-at-home mom thing. I wonder how I will feel when I enter the workforce. Sometimes I feel like I need a very long break, yet I can't stand being away from the boys for too long. It's such a double-edged sword.
I keep thinking that if my attitude changed, then so will Joe's. I'm sure all the yelling, screaming, pouting that Joe does is being exacerbated by my own antics. Toddlers are going to be little butt heads, but they learn so much from the parent.
I know that it will get easier with time. I know I am in one of the hardest times of parenthood. But I want to enjoy this time because there is a lot of joy to be found. I love seeing Joe and Sam play and laugh together. I become amazed at Joe talking about "ceratots" (triceratops) and other "ar-saurs." Just watching Joe play with Legos and Sam watching him in amazement are moments that won't last forever. I don't want to spend these moments frazzled and frustrated. I don't want to spend these precious few years hoping they'd hurry up to a somewhat easier age. I just want to enjoy this time, but it's so damn hard.
Prayers please as I finish out these last few weeks of school and then look into some time to refocus and recharge.
9 comments:
Praying for you! I could have written this post myself two months ago. Actually, I could still write this post myself at least half the days of the week. I have an almost four year old daughter, and a 2 1/2 month old son... life with just one wasn't too bad, although three IS tough, but as soon as we added baby #2, my patience when totally out the window. I *have* found three to be harder, or perhaps a different kind of hard.. at 2 she wasn't fully verbal yet, and her tantrums were more "frustration" tantrums. At 3 they are beginning to try to exert their independence from their parents, and so they waver between extremely frustrating "contrary" behavior, (i.e. you ask them to do something, they know full well what you are asking, and they do the exact opposite, or hone in with absolutely uncanny precision on what behavior will best push your buttons) and regressive clingy behavior. At least, that's what we've found. Add a new baby and the split attention, extra LAUNDRY, extra physical demand, less sleep, etc.. and.. well. I just totally sympathize ;)
A couple of things that have helped me a lot - 1) read as many books as you can on positive disciple at this age. I wish I had done this SO much sooner because we wouldn't have gotten into so many negative behavior patterns (both my daughter, and my husband and I in response to her) if we'd learned some of these tactics sooner. Two of the ones that helped me the most were "How to behave so your preschooler will too" and "Parenting with grace". 2) Remind yourself ALL day long how young your older child really is. Ever since my son was born, my daughter has seemed so "grown up" and "competent" to me, that I forget that she's not a mini-adult torturing me, she's just not quite four. It helps me a LOT when she's destroying the house in some way to repeat "she's only 3 1/2" and to realize that ninety percent of the time she's really just trying to test the physics or properties of something, and the other ten percent is age appropriate individuation behavior. That helps me to not take it so personally, which in turn helps me to keep my cool. 3) Pray, pray, pray. I've tried lots of other things (try to hold myself to the same standard at home as if we were in public, where I'd NEVER lose my head and yell; take mommy "time-outs"; try to recognize my own limits and get extra "me-time" when I can) but I have to say that just making sure I say a quick prayer in the AM before I start the day's interactions with my daughter, even something as quick as "Lord help me be patient with her today" actually does make a real and visible difference.
One last thing.. try to recognize that there are three types of days. There's the days when everything goes right; you're three steps ahead of your kids with snacks and good ideas, it's sunny, you get outside time, everyone is happy and all is right with the world (RARE). Then there are the normal days, where tantrums happen, drinks get spilled, there's some good moments but perhaps more bad or drudgery-ish ones.. but you keep your cool. And THEN there are the days when your kids have lost it, and you have too. The only really "bad" days, at least in my experience, are the third kind, because then I feel not just exhausted, but terribly guilty at the end of the day. So I've resolved to try to keep our days as 1 and 2 sorts of days if at all possible..
Anyway. Sorry to ramble - I just feel your pain! There are many days when I've seriously considered going back to work simply because I feel like my kids might be better off in daycare than home with me as a mom. But it IS starting to look up since we've really committed to work on it. I hope it gets better for you - definitely don't hesitate to look into therapy or medication if you feel that would help, too!! I'll be praying for you - please say a prayer for me, too :)
Oh, and one LAST thing - on the worst sorts of days, it helps me to repeat this quote to myself, from "Let the Baby Drive" - "there are things our children need to learn from us that we don't even think of teaching them. I mean, what does a child need to learn about sharing your time, about sharing each other? What does a child need to learn about patience, tolerance, grace?" and "...There's an economy of grace. We learn to forgive ourselves, and as we admit our shortcomings to our children, they learn it's okay to have shortcomings. We can have this grace for one another. That's God's economy. If we're not right, not perfect, it turns into a lifelong quest to be the person we can be." Prayers! Just in asking these questions of yourself, you show yourself to be a caring mom!
It does get easier, and I completely have been there. I am not a patient person by nature. I love being at home with my children, but I'm going to be honest: it is a challenge for me most days. I am totally possessive and don't want anyone else to have all the great moments of their childhood, but it is a challenge nonetheless. Two things that help me:
1. When I feel crappy or crazy, I try to reset: I blast some music and we have a dance party. The kids love it: instant happy, and I get a minute to remember that I love and enjoy them.
2. I find a bigger reset. I will grab some sippy cups and go find an indoor play area so they can exercise and I can have some distraction-free time to watch them run and dance and scream without crashing into things and making a mess. I think the extended crappy weather COMPLETELY comes into play.
I know these things won't always help, but a car ride as we drive to go play gives me some time to pray like crazy that I can change my attitude, because dude. My kids totally get it from me.
Hugs, this is intense dying-to-self stuff. Hang in there, it has been a LONG winter but good weather has to be around here somewhere and you now have a yard.
Second earlier posters: Parenting with Grace is a good book, deep breath and reset when you need to and try and remember that while the testing seems to be deliberate and mean-spirited, it is not.
I know exactly how you feel. I cringe when I hear my own voice yelling at them. I am filled with remorse.
Just this week, I have been saying a little prayer as I get out of bed that God fill me with the Graces I need to be a good mom and I ask the Holy Spirit to take control of my words. I can feel it helping. Prayer is amazing like that.
Hang in there! I'll be praying for you too. We moms need to lift each other up and pray for one another.
I'm sorry, friend! Praying for you!
Sending prayers your way Maggie! Being cooped up inside has a HUGE impact on toddlers and preschoolers, running around in the fresh air does us all so much good - kiddos are no different. I pray you get some sunshine soon!!!
Unfortunately I don't have any wise words, but just wanted to comment to say that I can completely relate. We just had #6, and my 22-month-old is in yet another difficult phase. She's incredibly cute, but also very, very, very hard to deal with (constantly screaming, hitting me, etc.) and it's totally wearing me out. I'll offer up some of my hard days for you. :)
Thank you for posting this! I am a single mom of a three year old boy and 6 month girl. I work full time and have an hour commute both ways. I HATE when I lose it. Robert always tells me I am a mean mommy and that I am not his best friend. I tell him it's not my job to be your friend; it's my job to be your mother. But I hold him to such a high standard because I know he is smart. But I lose it with him about once every other day. He really has a horrible mouth (he tells me I am not the boss of him - and yeah he is 3). I don't mind being stern....I just don't want to be cruel. So thank you for letting me know that I am not alone:)
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