Blogging Blackholes and Blogging Friends

The other day I was going through the list of blogs I follow. I'm trying to limit screen time and I wanted to weed out the blogs that I don't read anymore. It wasn't too difficult, because there were quite a few blogs where the author doesn't post anymore. In some cases the blog doesn't even exist at all! I went through some of my old posts and comments and there were some people who used to comment all the time, and I used to comment on their blog. We had a special online friendship, but it soon drifted away into the wind when they stopped posting.

I know that life gets busy and that is cause for a lot of the reason that these bloggers stop writing. But it's always a strange feeling when they shared so much every week, sometimes every day... their thoughts, their feelings, their day to day activities, their struggles and suddenly that door is shut. It's the same feeling I would get when I was young and a dear friend would move far away.

I somtimes wonder if my blog will ever get sucked into the blogger black hole. I often feel an obligation to keep my blog updated because I'm afraid people will stop reading. I get dismayed when posts I spend a lot of time on get no comments. There are times I kick myself for becoming so worried about a little ol' blog. I don't get paid to write this. I don't have deadlines. No one asked me to start this blog.

So why is blogging so important to me?

I started this blog a few weeks after my miscarriage ended in September 2009. It chronicled my first years of marriage, being a housewife, my pregnancy with Joe and the journey of first becoming a mother and then a mother to two young boys. This blog contains my frustrations, my fears, my hopes and dreams. It contains funny stories of learning to cook and sew and getting Joe to sleep through the night. It talks about my struggles with depression and dealing with an unplanned c-section. Basically, this blog contains my heart and soul.

And the best thing about this blog is the people I have come to know through the blogging community. Without blogging I probably would have never come to know Michelle from Endless Strength. She has become a dear friend and inspiration. She is Sam's godmother and I can't think of anyone better to be praying for my son.She probably would have been just part of another of the many families at my parish if it weren't for blogging. Actually, I might not have ever come to St. Andrew's because it was her blog that brought me there!

Katie from NFP and Me are practically twins. We like pretty much the exact same things and both curse like sailors. We both love our faith and sharing NFP. I would have never met her without blogging.

There are so many wonderful women bloggers that I have not met (I'm looking at you, Sarah!) who I consider friends, and without them I would have barely gotten though some tough times. They have sent me care packages, books, music and even hand-me down clothes for my boys. Just knowing I have some very special prayer warriors out there petitioning for me is a great source of comfort. In turn, their sorrows and joys become my own.

That is why I still cling to blogging. I don't feel quite as guilty anymore for not posting as much. I have to cut myself some slack because I am now in school. I have to focus on that in order to hopefully get into nursing school next year. Plus, I have a husband and two young children that deserve more of my attention than blogging. But the words I have written down and the words in my head are far too valuable to give up right now. The memories and friends I have made though this process are too precious to me.

I still wonder where some of my old blogging friends have gone. I know they have moved on and are living their lives and that is fantastic. I still hesitate to delete their blogs thinking that maybe someday they will be back.

In the meantime, I pray for all my blogging friends, both past and present, and I hope it is a long time from now when I reach the point that it is time to stop blogging and close down From the Heart.

BACK FROM THE BLOGGING DEAD!

Have I become that blog?

The one that's buried deep within your reader? The one that has become so boring and bland that you've just given up reading? Perhaps even deleted it off into a cyberspace grave yard?

Ah, I wouldn't blame you if you've left. What once was a blog full of insightful posts about Catholicism, motherhood, and musings on life has become quite stale. And I haven't had the chance to catch up on your blog either. According to my Bloglovin' page I have about 300+ unread blog posts. Half of you are probably pregnant, gotten a new job or remodeled your house and I wouldn't know about it!

But for the first time since June 3rd, I am at my computer with a blank screen in front of me and I don't have to worry about reading 500 anatomy and physiology pages, memorizing all the muscles, bones, and cranial and spinal nerves, packing for a family reunion or trip or preparing for some nursing school exam. Tonight was night one of putting Sam on a sleeping schedule which was a miserable failure, but he is snuggled in bed with Ryan. Any minute now Joe could come bursting from his room, but for now I am enjoying the hum of the air conditioner and the Civil Wars playing in the back ground.

My summer has gone by in the blink of an eye thanks to a very intense class. I loved, loved, LOVED my anatomy and physiology class, but it was a 6 credit hour class that is normally 16 weeks crammed into 8 weeks. I was in class Monday-Thursday 9:00-12:30. I had to drive about 30 minutes to get to my class during the morning rush hour and then drive 30 minutes back home during the busy noon hour. I don't think I have ever worked so hard for a class before, including my senior seminar for theology.

I feel like I missed out on a lot of fun summery-type things with my boys because as soon as I got home from class I hit the books. I would be ready to pass out at 9:30... which left me very little time for anything.

Class ended July 25th. Two days later we left for a 10 day vacation to Yellowstone and South Dakota. Then as soon as we got back we basically had to get ready for Sam's first birthday party by organizing, deep cleaning, painting and hanging up pictures that we still haven't put up since we moved here in April. Today is  basically my first day to finally take a breath.

My last post was a request for prayers for a very important nursing school entrance exam. I never updated on that little gem, because a wrench has been thrown in my plan. I did well on the TEAS. However, I had to take another test. It was a placement test and it placed me lower than the nursing program's accepted score for math. I had about 5 days to relearn algebra and retake the test to bring up my score (during finals week of my class and when I was supposed to be packing for my vacation, I might add.) I retook the test and got 9 points below the required score. Awesome. I still plan on applying for the program this week and hope my having a bachelor's degree will help. There's no interview process so I can't dazzle them with my witty personality. It's all paper. I am also planning on taking a math class and rearranging my schedule so I can take some other classes to apply for a different program next year.

I was extremely upset at first when this all went down. I have worked so. damn. hard. to do well in my prerequisite classes. I have sacrificed time with my husband and kids. My husband had to pull double duty- as soon as he came home from a full day's work he had to take care of the boys, clean, do laundry and cook and listen to me complain about school and how stressed I was. And it all could be for naught due to 9 points on a placement test. But who knows... maybe a miracle will occur and I'll be accepted into the program. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I have missed blogging and reading blogs. But in some ways it just seems like just another thing to worry about. I often wondered if I would be missed if I just stopped blogging for good. I felt out of the loop. Then I got depressed thinking about it all... I hate that I'm lacking that passion for writing. I used to jump into a post all excited and eager to express myself and for the world to read my words. Now I worry no one is left to read my writing. I worry more about the fact that I have no energy or motivation to write anything. Calah, Simcha, Jen, Hallie, Dwija, Cari... I want to be where you are. I want the right words to come out at the right time. I want my words to help others. Maybe I just need my words to help myself.

Don't leave yet. Trust me, I know, I get so annoyed with those people who constantly post those "poor me!" posts. It seems like everyone is going through something. And it seems like that's all I've really posted about. I've said for months and months that I need to get in to see a doctor about my depression. But I keep thinking "I have no problems sleeping, for the most part. I don't cry all the time. Everyone seems to be depressed so it must not be a big thing. I'm fine." But I have no passion. I have energy but no mental energy. And it's not one of those "I'm a mom to two small children" energy zaps. I just feel so spiritually blah. I've felt this way for a long long time. And I think it's time for me to get help. But, alas, I am the Queen of Procrastinators, so you might get a few more "I need to..." posts.

What I miss most is my passion for God. I used to get all Buddy the Elf giddy when something Catholic related came out. Now I'm all like "Meh" and play another game of Candy Crush. I used to devour Catholic books and what have you, but now I'm lucky enough if I have enough energy to read Entertainment Weekly.

Well, that's enough complaining for now. Now that I have my blogging mojo back, I'll spread out my misery in multiple posts. :-) It's picture explosion time! I'll post some photos from our summer.

Started the summer off by celebrating the 50th jubilee of my hometown priest, Fr. Reginald. He blessed our engagement, was the priest at our wedding, blessed my pregnancy with Joe, baptized Joe, and was a key part in getting me to Benedictine to start this whole journey!

Had our annual family reunion in Tightwad, MO. This year's theme was cowboy. Joe had a blast! He sang and danced and even won an award for his stick horse. Sam was just plain cute. 

These next bajillion pictures are from our trip that my dad generously paid for. There's a mix of the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Buffalo Bill Dam, rainbows in Wyoming, Devil's Tower, Mount Rushmore, fun in Keystone during Sturgis, Reptile Gardens, and Wall Drug. 

I hope you enjoyed these photos. I have even more from Sam's first birthday party, but I'll save those for another day! :-)

Thanks for sticking with me if you're still reading this!