School is starting soon!

My classes will be starting up soon. I have my microbiology book and medical terminology book staring me in the face right now. I also have a 3 year old banging on his door saying he doesn't want to take a nap and a 17 month old grabbing all the DVDs off the shelf and throwing them across the room.

Writing to you saying I'm nervous about this semester is an understatement.

Still, I have flutterings of excitement about these classes. The last few weeks I've really been losing my motivation to pursue nursing school. Since getting the rejection letter last fall and knowing just how competitive these nursing programs can be really put my confidence level in the crap shoot. However, yesterday I went to job shadow at a hospital near my hometown and my excitement about the possibility of entering the healthcare field was re-energized. I am applying to two programs in the next few months... I'm so praying that I get accepted!

I'm nervous about my microbiology class because I know it is a challenging class. And I'm dreading the time I'll be spending away from my little family. And of course I have to add the "I won't be blogging as much or reading your posts" announcement even though it seems that's all my posts have been about lately- complaining about not having the energy to write or the time to read others' blogs. But I absolutely love learning... especially about the human body and how it all works.



We'll see if I find some more energy to write 7 Quick Takes tomorrow!

Rejection Letter

Yesterday I took a nap with Joe and Sam. I dreamed of going to dinner for my father-in-law's birthday and telling him I received my acceptance letter packet for nursing school. When I woke up I checked the mail and there was a letter in the mail addressed to me from the nursing division of the school where I applied. I immediately knew that since it was a letter and not a big packet that it was a rejection letter. But I still clung on to hope that maybe... just maybe... it was a letter informing me I was on the waiting list. I was in the middle of praying my 3rd novena. This one was to St. Jude... patron saint of impossible and desperate cases. Maybe I should have started with him. Miracles happen, right?

I opened the letter and immediately saw the word "rejected." I took a deep breath and told myself that the whole time I've been praying I've said I wanted God's will to be done. The rejection was for my math grade, which I had figured would be the reason for not getting in. I explain it a little bit in this blog post. I wasn't completely caught off guard, but it still hurt. A lot. A freaking butt load. And I'm still hurting and moping today. I'm eating candy corn by the hand fulls and listening to Christmas music on Pandora. Yes, for real.

It is what it is. I didn't get the required score. This has definitely taught me a lot of humility. I felt pretty confident about my prerequite grades and felt I had a good chance at getting in. I thought that my grades from Benedictine would help me get in. I thought I was pretty hot stuff for going to school while raising two kids. Who needs math?! I can slip by that little thing, right? Well, it turns out that isn't the case. I'm sure there are many other women out there who are raising their kids and working full time AND taking all the required classes to get in. I don't deserve any special favors.

I plan on reapplying in January and also to another program to get my Bachelors of Science in Nursing (BSN) instead of my associates degree. The tide is turning in healthcare where many places only want to hire BSNs rather than RNs. But this BSN program is even more competitive than the program I applied to so I'm anxious. But maybe this rejection is God's way of having me apply for this higher program and things will work out better in the long run. But what if they don't?

I'm upset because I worked SO hard to get into nursing school. Ryan sacrificed so much these past eight months so I could do homework and get good grades. It KILLS me to hear Joe banging on the door wanting me to come play when I'm locked in our bedroom doing homework. We had everything carefully planned out... including a timeline regarding adding to our family. Now everything is messed up.  

I'm more upset about God not answering my prayers. I know that sounds SO childish of me. And it IS childish of me. I remember praying and praying and praying to have a VBAC. I didn't get one so I figured it was God's will. Perhaps if I would have tried Sam and I could have experienced some grave complication. But seriously... God created the universe out of nothing. He raised dead people from the grave. Couldn't he just throw me a bone and let my body work the way it is supposed to? Couldn't he have thrown me a bone and let me get into nursing school?

I was dead tired last night but could not sleep worth a damn. I laid in bed and Googled different schools and job opportunities and was getting very frustrated. I started praying... and this is kind of how it went..

"God. Why? Why do I always feel like your my dad and I'm a little kid tugging on your shirt asking for something, but you are too busy paying attention to your other kids? Why does everything seem so chaotic? I just want stability. I want to glorify you, but you are making it hard. Why are there some families out there that have no difficulties... they are buying houses, having babies whenever they want, getting good jobs, having close family and friend relationships and some of us are left out here in the crapper? Why are there some people who are so in fire in love with you and there's people like me who want so desparately to be close to you and you ignore them? Why won't you bless me and my family?"

Then I looked over and saw Ryan, Joe and Sam all cuddled together. Their soft breathing was almost in unison. I had a roof over my head and clothes on my back. There's food in the fridge. Just a few hours earlier we had a wonderful dinner with Ryan's family celebrating my father in law's birthday. I listened... all I could hear was the roaring sound of cicadas and an occasional car drive by. Somewhere across the ocean, in Syria perhaps, there is a mother holding her babies while they hear the sound of gunfire and bombs, not knowing if they'll survive the night. Somewhere, maybe even a few miles from me in a hospital, a mother is holding her toddler who is dying of cancer. Somewhere, 12 years ago, there was a son holding his mother after learning her husband died in the World Trade Center attacks. And here I was complaining that I didn't get into nursing school. Gah... how spoiled and selfish am I?

So I'll mope for a few days because that's what I'm really good at. Then I will start to figure out my next step. But God, you gotta help me out here because I really don't know what to do!

And of course as I am editing this Joe is watching Joseph King of Dreams and the song You Know Better than I is on. Crying.

You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

For you know better than I 

Summer School...

Hey y'all.

I started my summer class today. I knew going into it that it was going to be hard work. One look at the syllabus and I kissed my summer goodbye. I'm taking anatomy and physiology, thankfully a subject I think is really cool, but it's tough enough as a regular 16 week semester course... and I'm taking it in 8 weeks!

That's not the only stressful part. Thankfully my inlaws are super awesome and are watching my boys this summer. That is BEYOND helpful. But my class was moved from 11:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. So that means I have to drive through downtown Kansas City in rush hour AND construction. Normally that doesn't bother me, but I CANNOT be late to my class and I have very precious cargo with me. Everyone around me in their cars looks like this:

Walking to class is an adventure as well. I feel like I'm in a real-life version of Frogger. I guess I can't shake off my small-town-ness.

It is extremely important that I do well in this class, so I will be taking a break from blogging. I know I always say that, but this is fo realz. The nursing program is very competitive, and I'm getting into the the home stretch of applying. So any prayers would be appreciated.

So my summer will be full of this:

 

I'd rather be doing this:

 

So that's going to be my summer. And the really romantic falling asleep on my husband...

The adventure continues!

Catechism Lesson

I'm on spring break this week! PAAARTAY!!!

Oh, wait. HAHAHAHA.

No partyin' gon' be happenin' here.

I have a chemistry midterm on Monday and a "scavenger hunt" hunt about the great state of Missouri due this Friday. So I'll be livin'. it. up.

I'm hoping to get a few blog posts out that don't consist of me talking about how blah I've been feeling and cute pictures of my kids. This Friday marks what would have been the due date for my first child, Gus. This year, the anniversary of his due date is hitting me extremely hard.

So in the meantime, I'm going to post a video of Joe saying his prayers... in just his diaper... climbing on my head. He stepped on my neck and pulled my hair at the end... hence all the screaming. :-)

Lent....Blaaaargh...

Lent starts tomorrow. Didn't the Christmas season just get over, like, yesterday?

I have a love/hate relationship with Lent. I've written about my struggles with this season a few times. Lent should have its own label on my blog.

There are many reasons I dread Lent. It goes beyond the fact that I HATE fasting and I pretty much eat meat everyday and I LOOOOOOOOOVE it!

Fasting and abstinence from meat are true sacrifices for me. But instead of uniting my suffering with Christ, I just grumble and stare at beef all day long and yell "I'M HUUUUUUUUUUNGRY!!!"

I dislike the dreariness and darkness of Lent. I know that's the point of Lent... the darkness turns to the glory and light of Easter. But I'm already in a dark and dreary place spiritually, so Lent just draws out the blahs. 

I think what I dread the most is that this is a time of preparation and a time to get re-focused on God, and I can never get to that point. I never obtain that spiritual growth. It's the same way with Advent. I have yet to pinpoint why. Maybe because I'm lazy.

However, I do love the hope that comes with Lent. You know the 40 days will be over soon and there will be warm weather, longer days filled with sunshine, beautiful Easter lilies, halleluiah Church music and pure white vestments. There is that hope that you'll be closer to God. You can't help but be a little happier when Easter rolls around. Lent makes me appreciate the beauty of spring and the Resurrection of our Lord.

This Lent should be somewhat fun, for a Catholic nerd like me. There will be a selection of a new pope in the next few weeks. I am saddended and shocked by Pope Benedict's decision to set aside the papal office, but obviously something serious must be going on with his health. You don't just stop being pope for non-serious reasons. I am sure he has been deep in prayer for a long time regarding the decision.

I love the Catholic Church, but these past few years I've been in somewhat of a funk, so I don't get all excited about Catholic stuff like I used to. I was indifferent when Papa Benny got on Twitter. I don't get excited when a certain bishop is named somewhere. But this historical event of our beloved pope stepping down has sparked an interest again.

Lent is coming whether I like it or not. I've been thinking the last few days about what I am going to sacrifice, and nothing really popped out at me. I've given up facebook before, and it really wasn't that hard for me.

Two of the most random Lenten acts popped in my head this morning. I'm going to give something up and add in a little something. Golly, how super holy am I?! ;-)

First of all, I am going to not light any scented candles until Easter. This sacrifice might sound so incredibly stupid, but I love me some scented candles. They put me in a good mood. There's nothing like baking cookies in the fall with a crisp apple candle burning. Or decorating the Christmas tree with a cinnamon candle filling your home. But my absolute favorites are springy/floral candles. They honestly lift my spirits and I light candles pretty much everyday. So this will be hard. As soon as Easter hits I'm going to 5b Candles and stocking up on lavender honey and lilac. If you live in the Kansas City area you should seriously hit them up. Their candles are AMAZING!

The second thing I'd like to do is do one religious-type activity a day with Joe. Maybe that's color a religious picture, or pray a decade of the rosary (tried it once... mass chaos ensued), or...well... that's all the ideas I have. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME IDEAS! 

I try to get Joe to understand how special Jesus is and how going to Mass is important. It's tough since he's only 2 1/2, but this is something that is extremely important to me. However, there are many times I just drop the ball when it comes to spiritually nourishing my son. I'm hoping this Lenten activity will strengthen both Joe and myself in our spiritual life.

I'm also going to drastically limit myself on facebook and blogging. I get stressed out when I open my reader and see I have 56 new blog posts to read. Then common sense comes a-knockin' and I realize I don't HAVE to read all those posts. I don't HAVE to catch up on every single group post on facebook. Besides, I have schoolwork that takes up a lot of time. Which, by the way, I had my first chemistry test last night. He posted the grades.... I got a VERY good grade... very good indeed. When I saw my grade online I did a little something like this:

And, yes, Ryan clapped exactly like that.




So anywho, I'm sitting here eating chips and enjoying my honeysuckle candle. I'm going to pig out tonight (even though I think I'm exempt from fasting since I am nursing, but I'm still gonna go all out!)

I'm ready for you, Lent.

My First Night of Class Told in GIFs

Last night was my first night of class. It's a chemistry class. Chemistry is not my strong suit. It was an interesting experience.

Here is my night told in GIFs.
 

I've been away from the classroom for nearly 4 years. This was a new campus and I was unsure of where I was going. Needless to say, I was a tad nervous. 

Thankfully my guardian angel gave me a dose of courage as I walked to the classroom. 

I got up there and the door was locked. Another girl was sitting there. I said hello and asked her if I was in the right place. She said yes. A few more students showed up and there was The Awkward Silence.

The semi-social butterfly in me wanted to say "Hi" but I was afraid it would come out creepy.

Sooo my inner self warned me to stay silent. 

Finally class began and things started off well. The teacher was pretty cool and he was explaining things in a way I could understand.

Then he started picking up the pace a little bit. Then there was math. And rules. And MORE rules. And more math. It was simple math I should have known but my brain was like:

More math. More rules. Faster, faster! Then we did some word problems and I was like:

The rest of the class I tried hard to keep up but my thoughts were drifting away to something like this:

Finally class was over. I left in an orderly fashion.

When I got home I tried telling Ryan about my night but we were interrupted by Joe waking up. By the time he was done I was all up in my dranky drank.   

Today I should have been reading and doing some refresher math problems. Instead I watched this go down.

It is going to be a loooong semester.

Because of the amount of reading I'll have to do for this class and for my internet class, I will really have to limit myself on the internet. I'll be reading your blogs, but don't hate me if I don't comment! Also, this little ol' blog might be a little sparse for the next few months, but I'm sure come midterm time I'll have a "My Night of Studying in GIFs."

Why Nursing? The Journey Begins...

In less than a week I start my first prerequisite class for nursing school. I'm taking Introductory Chemistry for Health Sciences. Last night I drove to the campus bookstore to pick up my textbooks and goggles for my lab.

As I walked back to the van where Ryan was waiting I had a huge grin on my face. He asked me why I was smiling and I told him I was excited about starting this journey. I love the "newness" of my textbooks. I'm a nerd... I get excited about new pencils and notebooks.

ERMAGERD! SKOOL!

My excitement tapered off a bit when I flipped through my chemistry book. Suddenly I had flashbacks to my 8:00 a.m. Chemistry of the Biosphere class and remembered this was my reaction after every class:

I will admit, I'm kind of scared. It's kind of like skydiving. You're so excited and psyched to do this awesome thing, but when you are about to get on the plane fear takes over and... you poop a little. OK, I'm not that scared that I lose control of my bowels, but I'm still nervous! 

Despite my fears I am not going to back down. This nursing dream is nothing new. It's not like I thought to myself, "Self, we need to do something about my student loans. Let's pick a career that makes good pay and is easy to find a job! Nursing sounds good!"

When I quit the first college I attended I had plans to go to nursing school. I went to the local tech college and took the entrance exam. I passed with flying colors and was ready for the next step. But then I was told that since I still owed money to my previous school that I could not apply. I was upset, but vowed to get a job and pay off my debt.

I began my job as a nurse aide at a nursing home. It was very much a love/hate relationship. I loved working with the residents and enjoyed taking care of them, poop and all. I just did not like the environment and some of my co-workers who did not take their job seriously.

My next job was working housekeeping and maintenance at our small local hospital. I still had the goal of nursing school, but for some reason (I think it was some stupid boy) that dream tapered off. Now I think it was God's way of saying, "Not right now."

Fast foward past a couple of deep, dark years of partying and being a hoochie mama. God was calling me to move almost two hours away to a town where I knew absolutely NO ONE. Atchison, Kansas. Who moves there willingly?! But away I went... I transferred to the Wal-Mart with the plans of saving up money to attend the nursing program there in Atchison. Again, God said "Not yet" when he led me to get an apartment right underneath Janie and Moe and they introduced me to Benedictine College. There I met my husband and got a theology degree because I loved learning about Catholicism.

My husband has always told me I would be a good nurse. I've always told him that I didn't have the time and money to go back to school and that a nursing career usually meant you worked long hours and holidays. I always just pushed the idea away.

It was when I was pregnant with Sam when my interest in nursing came back. My best friend was in the process of getting her R.N. and I enjoyed hearing the stories from her classes. There were lots of nurses at my OB's office that I really liked so that got nursing on my brain again.

When I was in the hospital after I gave birth to Sam one of the night nurses sat down and chatted with me. We talked about breastfeeding and motherhood and then the subject of being a SAHM. She worked nights, part-time, but still, a majority of her week was spent at home with her kids. All of my nurses were so great. They were kind and helpful. I wanted to be like that to someone.

For weeks after Sam was born I had nursing on the brain. The thoughts would not leave me alone! I messaged some of my facebook friends who were nurses and also stayed home with their babies and I learned nursing was totally doable. I researched different programs and different schools.

In November I decided to just go for it. I applied to the college and was accepted. I enrolled in two classes. I ordered my books. The journey is now beginning.

The application to the nursing program begins in August. I have my prerequisites to complete, two tests I must pass and of course the application/recommendation process. I am super nervous that I won't get accepted. But if I do get accepted and pass my final examination I should be an R.N. by December 2015.

Why nursing? I love learning about how the human body works. I love taking care of people when they need taking care of. Poop, pee, vomit, blood, mucus... doesn't bother me. 

It's going to be a challenge, especially with two small boys running around but thankfully I have an awesome husband and loving family and friends that will help me out.

So... here I go. Let's get this started!