This Pregnancy...

Hey y'all!

We had our ultrasound yesterday morning! The ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know the gender and we said yes. The screen flashed two little legs and the unmistakable image of the main male body part. I knew before the tech said anything.

We are having another boy!

I am in shock because I was so certain this was a girl. This pregnancy has been so different. I also heard somewhere that if you are under a lot of stress when you conceive it will more than likely be a girl. I was under so much stress that I thought I might have triplet girls. A friend of mine also told me she heard the old wives tale that if your toddler son acts up when you first become pregnant that it must be because you are carrying a girl. :-)

The baby looks healthy and is growing just fine! It's nice to hear the ultrasound tech say, "Beautiful, just beautiful" over and over.

I haven't really blogged much about this pregnancy besides the hardships with figuring out my doctor and insurance. I'll be 23 weeks this Friday. By the time I was 23 weeks pregnant with Joe I had oodles of blog posts written. I've been so busy with taking care of a crazy on-the-go toddler and figuring out our moving situation. I've barely had time to put together any coherent thoughts on my blog let alone write about this pregnancy.

A lot of people have been asking how I am feeling. The main complaint? Freakin' frakkin' tired. However, I am not sure how much that is the little person growing inside me or the little person I have to constantly chase down and prevent from jumping from perilous heights and breaking his neck.

I didn't have a lot of morning sickness. With Joe I prayed to the porcelain god a few times, but none at all with this pregnancy. Just an overall blah feeling the first 10 weeks.

My hormones have been waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of whack. I have been so emotional. I cry at the silliest things. I've cried at the movie Cars. (Mater: "I knew it! I knowed I made a good choice!" Lightning McQueen: "In what?" Mater: "My bes' friend." Tear City.) I've cried at Irish step dancing. There was also a time I cried at a Children's Tylenol commercial. Then I started crying when I was describing the commercial to my mom. Thankfully with most of this I start laughing as well because I know how silly I am being. My anxiety is through the roof, which is my biggest challenge. I can't remember how far along I was with Joe before I started taking a low dose of anti-depressant, but I think it's about time to talk to my doctor.

It has taken me awhile to feel this little baby boy kick. I really felt Joe moving around 20 weeks but just now at nearly 23 weeks is when I'm feeling this baby kick. I always hear that a woman feels the baby kicking earlier with subsequent pregnancies. That was another big difference with this pregnancy. But now that I'm starting to feel him squirm around in there it feels a little more "real."

So far no swelling. I didn't really start swelling until 30 weeks. I am still paranoid about pre-eclampsia, but my doctor assured me that it was nothing I did in my last pregnancy that caused it. I do not want to go through that again. It was scary and stressful. I don't know what I would do if I got it again and had to be put on bed rest with a very active and demanding toddler. I've been praying a lot to St. Gerard Majella!

I'm still hoping for a VBAC. I'll probably post more about that in the future. My doctor and I are pursing a wait-and-see approach. He has assured me that if I do have a c-section I won't be destined for just 2 or 3 kids. He delivered a woman's 8th child- all were c-sections. We definitely do not feel called to have 8 children, but it's nice to know that c-sections aren't a huge determining factor in family size.

My doctor has been amazing. He has gone above and beyond his duties to help us with our insurance concerns. He is also an amazing Catholic man and a great doctor. He has put my pre-e fears and VBAC worries to rest for the most part. It's kind of nice to hear a doctor say that he's not into modern day society's idea of 2.2 kids per family. It's also very nice hear him mention the name of God. Ryan and I talked with the business office manager about some insurance issues and she raved about how awesome Dr. S is. She said she has been working with him for years and if there was one doctor she would have by her side if she were ever in the hospital it would be him. I'm very glad I found him and hope our patient/doctor relationship continues to grow.

This pregnancy has flown by and has seemed, oh, what's the word- quiet. I don't know if it's because Joe takes up a lot of my time, but I just haven't really "felt" pregnant. But in some ways I think that is a good thing. So far no aches or pains. No pregnancy carpal-tunnel syndrome which I had in my last pregnancy and it was HORRRRRRRRRRIBLE! Not even very many stretch marks- yet! I know little Garfunkel is growing healthy and happy and that is all that matters right now. Seeing him kick and squirm and that glorious heartbeat beating along on the ultrasound machine made everything right in the world.

Hopefully I will post more about this pregnancy. I am having a very hard time adjusting to this move, as is Joe. We're having a rough time in these here parts, but I hope to get some more writing in soon!

Moving is Hell

Moving sucks. While I am very glad to have our own place, I HATE unpacking and organizing and finding a place for everything. Plus, I've had no internet service so I feel like a pioneer woman who should be churning butter or something!

Joe is NOT adjusting well to the move. At all. It's been hell here. It's been quite an adjustment for me as well. Doesn't quite feel like "home" yet and I hate that!

Yesterday Ryan and I decided to take a break and relax and go see The Hunger Games in theaters. I'm such a dumb@ss thinking that watching that movie would cause my tension to go away. I've read the books- I knew it wouldn't be like watching a rom-com or something stupid. I got back to our apartment even more anxious than I was when we left.

But we find out the gender of this little knucklehead floating inside me on Wednesday! That gives me something to look forward to!

I just wanted to interrupt this blog silence with some randomness. Have a good day!

Toddler Bed Help!

Things have been uber crazy around here. Needless to say, trying to unpack and organize an apartment with a little minion running around is difficult. Plus, I'm started to really feel pregnant and I don't want to overdo it. So it'll be a little quiet around this ol' blog, my Facebook, and Twitter (Satan's trifecta of distraction.)

BUT! I do need some advice!

I mentioned a while back that Joe has climbed out of his crib. The stress-out meter has gone up a few notches since then. Thank goodness we have a video baby monitor to see when he is about to make a flying leap out of there. But that means we can't go more than 10 feet from his room and there's a lot of us making mad dashes in there because he just won't settle down to sleep anymore and wants out. In fact we now have to lay in our bed with him while he drifts off to sleep and wait until he's in a deep sleep before we can put him back in the crib. He always wakes up at 3:00 a.m. so we usually bring him into bed with us which is NOT comfortable!

So with the adjustment of a new apartment and a new, separate-from-mom-and-dad bedroom for him, we thought we'd start the transition into a toddler bed. And that's where I need help.

My first thought was to get him a wooden toddler bed like this one.

I've read reviews on it and they all say they can hold a lot of weight, and I have a feeling that we will be laying with Joe a lot. Here is one of the reviews I read that made me laugh:

"In order to get our daughter out of our bed before the new baby came, we bought her this bed, but she would only sleep in it if Daddy got in it with her. The bed held my then 2 year old, and my 6'1, 245 Lbs. husband for an entire night! This bed certaily held up to more than my expectation. Although my daughter crawled herself out of the bed and back into ours...It held my husband for the rest of the night."

Plus, this is gender neutral so it can be used for all of our kids. That would save us time and money in the long run.

But... I just can't resist buying Joe something like this:

There is also a Cars version as well. These look like so much fun! They are all boy which I just LOVE! And part of me really thinks that Joe might be more apt to stay in bed if it's characters he loves. I could just be kidding myself. However, I don't think these plastic and steel beds are quite as sturdy as a wooden toddler bed.

Which kind of bed should we choose?

Now on to what I'm really concerned with: roaming.

I really don't think Joe will lay in his bed and drift off to sleep. I think we will have to lay with him for awhile. But since his room is apart from ours it makes me nervous. We will have a baby gate on his door and child proof the heck out of the place, but I'm just nervous that he'll find a way to break his neck. And should I let him roam around and play or should we constantly get up and put him back to bed if he gets up? That's the biggest question I have.

I'm just confused about this whole raising a toddler thing. I know it will be a big adjustment for him and for us, but I'm doing it for his safety's sake. I'd rather have sleepless nights than him possibly breaking his neck for real.

Any tips, ideas, suggestions would be greatly appreciated! It's stressful enough with moving... starting the toddler bed is just adding to it, but I think it's best to just get it all done with in one big sweep! Thank you!!!

Dear Gus

Dear Gus,

I have to make this quick. Your little brother is sleeping and we know that considering how the last few days/nights have gone, this is a miracle. The little girl I babysit is also napping. Again, two kiddos napping at the same time- miracle.

Two years ago was your due date. Two years. You would be TWO today! I can't believe that. Unfortunately for us, we found out the August before your due date that you had gone to heaven. It's a pain for us that has never gone away. Instead of the sharp, stabbing, unbearable pain we feel a dull ache. We ache for you, our little Gus.

Looking at Joe we have an idea of what kind of person you'd be. We never knew if you were a girl or boy, but we are pretty sure you'd be a very high-spirited toddler. We are pretty sure you'd be a very outgoing girl or boy. We know for certain that you would be so very loved. You are still loved.

I can't put a face to you. I only think of the yellow flowers that shaded the place where we buried you. But someday I will see your face in heaven. You need to pray for me, Little Gus, because I want to get to the glory of heaven, and need all the help I can get. I will get to embrace you someday. I will get to hold your hand in my own. I will get to kiss your cheeks. Even though you didn't look like a "baby" at 5 weeks gestation, you are still a person. You weren't a blob of cells. You have a soul. You have a dignity. You are our son or daughter.

I'm not sure what your birthday party theme would be. I don't know what your cake would look like. But I do know you would be showered with love by your friends and family. I know you would smile and laugh, and so would we.

Joe is too young to know he has an older sibling. I talked about you today with him and he ran off to climb on the toy box. Next year I think we will release a balloon in the sky with a birthday card for you. I will make sure Joe and his siblings know they have an older brother in heaven looking out for them. I will not let you become a distant, fuzzy, sad memory. You are worth celebrating.

It's kind of hard saying, "I have one child and another on the way." I don't mention my miscarriage often to people I don't know well because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I have three children. One in heaven. One getting ready to wake and and scream any second and another tucked safely in my womb. God has blessed us. Oh my, how He has blessed us.

So happy birthday, my dear angel. Thank you for bringing us happiness and life lessons that have made us stronger and more faithful. Thank you for showing us how precious and fragile life really is.

We love you so much.

Until we meet again.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Joe and Baby Garfunkel

Our Song

The awesome Katie at NFP and Me has a great link-up going on at her blog inviting us to share our wedding song! I've already kind of told my story why we picked the song that we did here, but I'll expand the details!

1. What's your song?

The song we picked is called "Forever" by the Beach Boys.



2. Did you always have a song or did you have to find one?

Ryan and I never had a song while dating. I had friends who shared songs with their beloved, but I always felt it was kind of high school-ish. Neither Ryan and I don't have that uber-romantic spark, which I guess makes us perfect for each other!

3. Why did you pick this song?

When it came time to find the song we wanted to use for our first dance as husband and wife Ryan and I were clueless. I told Ryan that I'd go through some songs and run them by him. We wanted something different. We didn't want something modern. We wanted something special.

I suddenly remembered one of my favorite TV weddings- the wedding of Jesse Katsopolis and Rebecca Donaldson on Full House. Jesse sat down at the piano and sang a song, complete with a stringed orchestra and Gospel choir. I searched high and low to see if I could get it in a downloadable version. In my search I came to find out that this song was originally by the Beach Boys. (Which makes sense it was featured on Full House. Those guys were on it practically as much as Kimmy Gibler!)I Googled a video of the song and fell in love. It was simple and sweet.

I played it for Ryan and he stood up and took me in his arms to dance with him. While swaying to the music, listening to his heartbeat and feeling safe and warm in his arms I knew that this was the perfect song.

4. What does the song mean to you?

The lyrics are very simple. One lyric that repeats is, "I've been so happy loving you." That is the truth, plain and simple, for our relationship.

5. How has the meaning changed since you first chose it?

It hasn't, much. We're just more in love now. Our relationship is stronger. Forever is the title of the song and that's what our marriage is all about. No matter how much we bug each other and bicker- we're in it for the long haul!

Go to Katie's blog and tell her about your song!

Bloggy Award!

I won a blog award from the lovely Neen at All This and Heaven! Thank you!



To accept this award I have to list 7 things about myself:



1. I'm a huge nerd (I love Star Wars, LOTR, comic books) thanks to my husband.

2. I think I am having a girl. We find out March 28th!

3. I cuss like a sailor. I'm really really REALLY trying to work on that one!

4. I've attempted cow tipping, but the cows came after us so we hauled butt (see, I could have written something else!) outta there!

5. I used to be obsessed with the paranormal and ghost hunting.

6. I have never flown on an airplane and never will. NEVER!

7. I want to learn how to play the accordion.



Now I am supposed to pass the award on to 15 newly discovered blogs, but I'm going to pick three!


Katie and NFP and Me


Kate at imperfectekate


Sarah at Wifeytini



Check these ladies out and visit Neen! I am so thankful for our blogging community!

We Are The 98%

Michelle from Endless Strength and Rebecca from The Road Home have co-authored a great post called We are the 98%. They have encouraged other women to share their stories with contraception and NFP. I have really struggled on deciding if I should write about my experiences. First of all, my mom reads this blog, as well as my big brother. I also have other family and friends who read this blog, and some of the things I have posted in the past has created some, erm, conflict. You've been warned: This is very personal.

I am going to share despite my hesitations. I sometimes feel so alone being a former contracepting-non-virgin-at-wedding Catholic woman. Maybe this will help some other Catholic gal not feel so lonely. Maybe it will clear up some questions some of my readers have about me. I'm sure when I'm preaching about NFP and saving sex for marriage that some people are like, "Uh, girl, we know about your past."

So here is my contribution.

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"You’ve probably heard it on the news lately; “98% of Catholic women are using contraception”. You’ve heard the statistic, but I’m here to tell you it just isn’t true. How do I know?

Because I’m one of them.

Even though I 100% wholeheartedly agree with the Church on contraception, I’m part of this “98%”. How can that be? Because the only question they’re asking Catholic women is this:"

"Have you ever used contraception?"

My answer would be yes. I can't say that my excuse was medical reasons. I was using contraception because I was sexually active, starting at an early age in high school.

"How did you previously view contraception?"

To be honest, I don't ever remember learning about contraception in high school classes. I probably wasn't paying attention. I learned about it from my friends and a teen website produced by, you guessed it, Planned Parenthood.

I remember reading the website and teen magazines and being terrified at the thought of getting pregnant. It could happen just ONE time! It could happen with just genital contact! They practically taught that if you took your shoes off in front of the opposite sex that you would get pregnant and your life would be ruined forever and ever and ever.



I remember being in middle school and thinking I would OF COURSE wait until marriage like all good girls do. But once high school hit and boys started taking notice of me, that all went out the window. With the teen hormones and the teen psyche and emotions, having sex was something you did. My friends were doing it. Teens on TV were doing it. It was a normal part of growing up.

I vowed not to be stupid about having sex. I protected myself from pregnancy in multiple ways- condoms, creams, films... lots of fun stuff to suit up with before doing the deed.

When I turned 18 I decided I was done with all those annoying barriers. I wanted to feel more "free" so I went on the Depo-Provera shot. No more condoms, no more creams. Just a shot in the hip every three months and I was good to go.

I was proud of myself for taking such precautions. I was a good girl, a good student and I didn't want to ruin my life or reputation by getting pregnant. That would have been the end of the world. I wanted to go out in the world and make a difference. I made sure my sexual actions had no negative consequences.

Even though I was sexually active in high school, I didn't become sexually slutty until I moved to Maryville. I was tragically depressed and the only thing that made me feel better about myself was lots of booze, buying pretty clothes and shoes, and having sex with pretty much whoever found me desirable. I was trying to live a Friends lifestyle. I was trying to live the modern college girl's lifestyle. I was being used and emotionally abused. Sex was making me happy and miserable at the same time. But it was so easy to have sex with whoever since I was on the shot. The shot also made it easier to be taken advantage of.

I remember hearing here and there that the Catholic Church was against contraception. I didn't grow up with a youth group while in high school so I was clueless when it came to teachings on sex and marriage. I just thought that contraception was frowned upon because it led to premarital sex. I thought the Church was cool with married couples using it. I never bothered looking into because I didn't care.

"What prompted you to stop using contraception?

It wasn't any religious awakening. It wasn't even going online and reading about how I was having carcinogens injected into my body every 3 months. I really think it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to get off the shot. I had gained a little bit of weight and was still feeling depressed even though I wasn't drinking anymore and was in a solid relationship with a decent guy. I didn't feel "right" being on the shot, so I just decided to stop. My boyfriend was upset. I went to my annual pap smear and said I was ready to be done. They gave be a huge paper sack of condoms. I was OK with that.

Fast forward to my spiritual growth spurt in Atchison. I started exploring more about the Catholic faith. I read Christopher West's book The Good News About Sex and Marriage and my mind was blown. Birth control wasn't just frowned upon by the Catholic Church- they thought it was intrinsically evil. And the reasoning they gave blew me away. The Truth knocked me on my ass. I was shocked at how my view of sex was changed. Sex was much more awesome than I thought, I was just doing it wrong. I was so angry that I was never taught this view of sex. The view I previously had of sex was so dull and cheapened. Never again would I have sex before marriage. Never again would I use contraception.

I decided to read up on how harmful Depo Provera really was. I learned there was a "black box warning" that read:

"FDA and Pfizer notified healthcare professionals of the addition of a BOXED WARNING along with revisions to the WARNINGS, INDICATIONS AND USAGE, PRECAUTIONS and POSTMARKETING EXPERIENCE sections of the prescribing information to include information on the loss of significant bone mineral density. Depo-Provera Contraceptive Injection is indicated only for the prevention of pregnancy in women of child-bearing potential. Bone loss is greater with increasing duration of use and may not be completely reversible. Depo-Provera Contraceptive should be used as a long-term birth control method (eg, longer than 2 years) only if other birth control methods are inadequate."

I was on the shot longer for just two years, thank God. I read elsewhere that getting the shot in your teenage years increases the risk of bone loss and can lead to infertility and breast cancer. Now I was scared.

The part that scared and devastated me the most was learning that some forms of contraception are abortifacients. How many of my own children had been swept away from my uterus by the hormones caused by the shot? If I get to heaven how many of my sons and daughters will be there waiting for me with love and forgiveness? Needless to say, I cried over that thought many many times.

The first time I had ever heard of Natural Family Planning was in Christopher West's book. I read about how awesome it is and how beneficial and beautiful. That was the path for me.

I turned my life to God. I changed.

Or so I thought.

I started dating Ryan about a year after my spiritual growth spurt. It had been a little over a year since I had sex. Those temptations were buried deep inside and sin took over. Ryan and I became sexually active and used birth control. It was a huge struggle for both of us because we knew the reasons why sex before marriage is a sin. We went to confession frequently. We prayed. We "stopped" only to start back up again. We were both weak and I was deeply, deeply ashamed.

Instead of helping the situation, I created more temptation. My cycles were all over the place, probably still trying to regulate after I got my period a year AFTER I stopped getting the shot, and also due to stress. I decided to go on the Pill to get regular. I was on the pill for two months, deluding myself that this was due to health reasons.

I remember the day I knew that Ryan truly loved me and that he was the man I was destined to marry. He picked me up from one of my classes and dropped me off at the house I was living. Before I left he took a deep breath and said to me, "This is your choice, but I really think it would be better for you to get off the pill. I'm afraid it will make me start viewing you as an object." That was the Holy Spirit talking through him. He wasn't very knowledgeable about Catholic sexual ethics or theology, but God showed him the truth. My heart filled with love and from that moment we stopped having sex and stopped contracepting.

"How did you learn NFP?"

I read about NFP in The Good News About Sex and Marriage, but didn't know the details. When I lived in a campus house with seven other good Catholic gals I got a basic gist of the idea. One of my housemates was getting married and she and her fiance went to an NFP class. Later that night she kind of explained some stuff. She mostly talked about periods and something called cervical mucus. Sounded interesting. I remember hearing in a conversation that using condoms was like french kissing with plastic grocery sacks over your heads. I couldn't agree more.

I don't really remember talking to Ryan about our decision to use NFP in our marriage. I'm not sure if was after our decision to stop sleeping together while we were dating or if we were engaged. He was fully supportive of using NFP even though he had only heard negative things about it.

When we got engaged I thought we should take a class and learn as much as we could before we would have to put it into use. A college friend of mine was going to a class with her fiance and she kind of explained the Sympto-Thermal Method to me. Sounded easy enough.

In our marriage prep we got a brochure about NFP. We went to an Engagement Encounter retreat and they talked about it there, but I didn't feel they really went into good detail about the benefits of NFP. It felt more like a lecture.

We never found the time to get into a class, so I ordered the home-study kit through Couple to Couple League. I read through the book and it all seemed fairly straight forward. Yeah there was a lot of weird sounding stuff like checking your mucus and cervix, but it takes a lot to gross me out. However, when I started to make my own observations I was confused beyond all measure. Was this sticky or stretchy mucus? Uh oh, I forgot to take my temp! What now?! And the one I asked frequently- Where in God's green earth is my cervix?!

It took awhile, and I still don't feel like an expert, but I got the hang of it. My periods were always very irregular, but once I found my temperature shift I knew in 13-14 days I'd have my period. I started learning more about my body. I was amazed at the female body. God did some nice work creating us females.

I found it very difficult to explain to Ryan how STM worked. I could work it out in my head but explaining it was tough. He's not much of a reader so I didn't want to just throw him the book to figure it out. We took a class with a very nice teaching couple. It was during that class that we found out there was a good possibility I was pregnant. A couple days later a positive pregnancy test confirmed it. We never went to another class.

I had two charts in between my miscarriage and getting pregnant with Joe. I was very nervous about NFP and breastfeeding. I could see that luteal phase was greatly affected by breastfeeding which I knew would create an obstacle with conceiving in the future, which it did.

To help with supplementing STM, I enrolled in a research study for the Marquette method using the Clear Blue Easy monitor. Ryan and I loved it!

"How has it impacted your marriage?"

We have never used any form of artificial contraception in our marriage, so I don't know how using it and then using NFP would have impacted our marriage.

A lot of NFP information talks about the beauty of the husband being involved in this form of family planning. With contraception it is usually the woman's sole responsibility. There are NFP stories of a husband filling out a woman's chart at the end of the day or who wakes her up to take her temperature in the morning. I'm sure that does happen, but not in our marriage, and I'm fine with that. I'm really anal and OCD about making sure everything is neat and correct, so I'd just take the time to double check his work anyway.

Ryan has learned a lot about my body and thinks it's pretty awesome how I am put together. He also knows ahead of time the times of the month when I'm more hormonal than usual.

NFP has opened the doors of communication in our marriage. Sure, we fight, we argue, we joke, we discuss, we debate- but we're always open and honest about our feelings. There is no silent treatment and we always resolve our negative issues fairly soon after they begin.

"What struggles have you had with NFP?"

Our main struggle was trying to understand how NFP works. There have been times that I have really had a difficult time understanding my signs.

It is hard to trust NFP and God sometimes. It can be downright scary.

We haven't had a lot of OMG ABSTIENCE IS TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moments. That really hasn't been a difficulty, but those rare times that we have to put on the brakes have been tough.

The biggest struggle has been emotional for both of us. We have family and friends who just don't understand our decision to use NFP. It's tough to live in a society where everyone around you use contraception. It's tough and annoying to hear that NFP is "Vatican Roulette" or "What do you call couples who use NFP? Parents." comments. We feel like complete outsiders sometimes. There have been times I've thrown my hands in the air and yelled, "Fine! Let's just use the Pill! It'd be so much easier!" My saint of a husband has reminded me that we don't buy into modern day society. We buy into God's plan. God's plan isn't easy, but it is good.


So there is my contraception/NFP journey. NFP hasn't been easy, but it's been a blessing. Contraception was easy, but was destroying my life and my soul.

Oh yeah, and NFP really does work!

Mass is a Toddler Battleground. HELP ME.

"You darn kids are driving me crazy! I can't even heard the priest! Go play in the church graveyard!"

HEEEEEEEEEELLLPP!!!

For the past few weeks Mass has been a battleground with Joe. He wants to run around. He wants to walk along the entire pew- even if other people are sitting there. He wants to scream. Today he invented a new game- Throw the Binky As Far As You Can.

What I would ultimately like to do is hold him in my arms throughout the standing and kneeling parts of Mass and let him sit and look at books during the sitting down parts. I don't want him running around. But he squirms and screams bloody murder when he is held in our arms. So one of us takes him out. None of the churches we go to have a cry-room. I'm not a fan of cry-rooms anyway. We take him to the vestibule where there is usually an overflow of people trying to hear the Mass. We can't hold him there either because he screams. So it's off to the basement where he runs around. One of us misses Mass and Joe isn't present which is the whole reason we are taking him there in the first place.

I know he has no idea what is going on. I know he won't know for quite awhile. I know I shouldn't expect so much out of him since he is only a year and a half old. But it is very important to Ryan and I that Joe be there. See the people, see the priest, see the actions, hear the words, hear the music... you get the idea.

I feel that I am almost too strict with Joe in church. I do not allow food. We just fed him before we left and it's more of hassle than anything dealing with snacks. We do bring a sippy of water, however. I don't even really like the idea of him coloring. I did for the first time today let him take the little pew pencil and draw on some paper which kept him quiet and entertained for quite sometime. I'm thinking of maybe getting some colors and printing off some Catholic coloring pages. I don't like the idea of coloring because he attempted many times at coloring the hymnals and pews. I also am thinking to the future when he is old enough to pay attention and he'll still want to color. I don't even really want to get into that habit. I don't allow toys because he just ends up throwing them. I know I sound like a fun-sucking mama. I just want to instill in him good habits for when he is an older child. I am going to expect him to be quiet, sit still, kneel and stand. Does that make me horrible? Am I starting him on a path of hating the Church?

I don't like the idea of cry rooms. Of course, I've never really been to a church that has one, and the cry rooms that I have heard of are basically glorified playrooms and social hour for parents. The church we currently attend had the opportunity to build a cry-room but the parishioners said no. They wanted the kids out in the pews. I really love that idea. But when your son has a scream that could stun a banshee... well... it's tough. Distracting him with religious books worked for awhile, but not so much anymore. I don't want to ruin my fellow parishioners Mass experience.

Today we went to a different parish than we normally do. Joe threw this binky into the pew in front of us and tried to pull on the woman's hair. Thankfully she was very nice. She was with her husband, a baby who was probably just a few weeks old and a girl who was probably five or six. She whispered to me at one point after I apologized for what seemed like the 50th time- "Oh don't worry! We have a 20 month old who is the same way." The 20-month old was nowhere to be found, but after communion the husband left for a few minutes then came back with an adorable toddler girl who I assumed was his daughter. After Mass she explained that there was a day care/nursery downstairs that her daughter went to during Mass. I'm sure they try to teach religious-type stuff during this hour, but I am really not comfortable at all sending a child away while the children that can behave gets to be with the entire family. She said, "She was just getting to be too much. We were spending all of our time in the back. I told my husband either she goes down to the nursery or we aren't coming anymore."

I know there is some sort of value in bringing your child to church, even if it's difficult. I know Mass isn't supposed to be "what I get out of it" and feeling spiritually fulfilled. But I couldn't even tell you what the Gospel was about today. Seriously. I haven't mastered all the new prayers and responses because I'm rarely ever saying them because I'm going after Joe.

Not me...

I remember this past summer, before Joe became too much of a terror, I was standing in the vestibule with another man and his daughter with Down Syndrome. He kind of chuckled as his daughter tried to break out, "I haven't sat through a whole Mass in a year and a half." I really admired him for sticking with it. I know no matter how crazy it gets, these tough times will eventually get better.

But what should I do during these crazy times where Joe is just out of control? Is there a certain Mass time that works better for you? We've concluded that anything after 11:00 is out of the picture. 10:00 is even pushing it. We went to 9:00 Mass today and he did a little better, but that could have been because we were in a different environment. Maybe we need to try a super duper early Mass.

Where do you sit? We always try to sit toward the front so he can see what is going on, but not the very front because I am so afraid of distracting the priest. I've heard that the whole "sit in the front so the kids will be distracted with what the priest is doing" theory can fail.

What are your thoughts on coloring, eating/drinking, reading, toys and other goodies during Mass? I really need advice because this is really started to drain on me. I feel like I'm going to Mass by myself because Ryan is always out with Joe, and I feel Ryan is being cheated out of being a part of the Mass. I'm beginning to feel that bringing Joe is a waste of time, but it is so very very important to me to bring him. I'm willing to try anything except for one of us staying at home with him. I'm not at that point yet.

Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

I really need your advice and wisdom. And I just want to say that I don't want to sound like I am judging those parents who DO take their kids to the nursery or cry room or let them color and eat and play with toys. We all have to do what is best for our family and what works for the people around us. I just don't feel comfortable at this point doing all that.

Thankful Thursday

Rebecca at The Road Home has a post every Thursday called Thankful Thursdays. I've always felt guilty for not participating because I should be recalling the things I am thankful for instead of all the stuff I complain about. But we have some news that I am VERY thankful about!

We're moving!!! The dance below may or may not reflect the same dance I performed when we made our decision.



Ryan and I found a small apartment of our very own. While we are so grateful for Ryan's parents for taking us under their roof for almost the past year, we are thankful to have our own place!

This might sound silly, but I always hated Pinterest because I didn't have my own home to do all the fun crafty ideas in. But now I am going to dive right back into it to get some decorating ideas, space-saving tips and new recipes!

I AM SO EXCITED! We'll have to live on a very very tight budget, but it will be worth it! Plus, I know the parish we will be going to is a very good orthodox parish with some pretty cool parishioners... so I'm excited to get into a good Catholic community! :-)

Go to Rebecca's blog and post something you're thankful for!