What Should We Call NFP?

Hey y'all. I thought I'd change up the tone around these here parts. I realize that I've been very gloom and doom and woe is me recently. Maybe that's why the only comments I've gotten lately are from Canadian pharmaceutical companies offering to enlarge body parts that I was not born with. :-)

I wanted to point you to a new project that iuseNFP and 1flesh have launched... an NFP Tumblr page called What Should We Call NFP? I was honored to be asked to contribute! I love NFP and I love GIFs so this is a super fun project to be a part of! All the posts are super hilarious! Go over there for a laugh! If you don't know anything about NFP, go to iuseNFP's page for more information. (For some reason, 1flesh's website is not working at the moment!)

Here's a little sneak peak:

When my OB says NFP doesn't work I'm like: 

Click here for more NFP hilarity!

We Are The 98%

Michelle from Endless Strength and Rebecca from The Road Home have co-authored a great post called We are the 98%. They have encouraged other women to share their stories with contraception and NFP. I have really struggled on deciding if I should write about my experiences. First of all, my mom reads this blog, as well as my big brother. I also have other family and friends who read this blog, and some of the things I have posted in the past has created some, erm, conflict. You've been warned: This is very personal.

I am going to share despite my hesitations. I sometimes feel so alone being a former contracepting-non-virgin-at-wedding Catholic woman. Maybe this will help some other Catholic gal not feel so lonely. Maybe it will clear up some questions some of my readers have about me. I'm sure when I'm preaching about NFP and saving sex for marriage that some people are like, "Uh, girl, we know about your past."

So here is my contribution.

***************

"You’ve probably heard it on the news lately; “98% of Catholic women are using contraception”. You’ve heard the statistic, but I’m here to tell you it just isn’t true. How do I know?

Because I’m one of them.

Even though I 100% wholeheartedly agree with the Church on contraception, I’m part of this “98%”. How can that be? Because the only question they’re asking Catholic women is this:"

"Have you ever used contraception?"

My answer would be yes. I can't say that my excuse was medical reasons. I was using contraception because I was sexually active, starting at an early age in high school.

"How did you previously view contraception?"

To be honest, I don't ever remember learning about contraception in high school classes. I probably wasn't paying attention. I learned about it from my friends and a teen website produced by, you guessed it, Planned Parenthood.

I remember reading the website and teen magazines and being terrified at the thought of getting pregnant. It could happen just ONE time! It could happen with just genital contact! They practically taught that if you took your shoes off in front of the opposite sex that you would get pregnant and your life would be ruined forever and ever and ever.



I remember being in middle school and thinking I would OF COURSE wait until marriage like all good girls do. But once high school hit and boys started taking notice of me, that all went out the window. With the teen hormones and the teen psyche and emotions, having sex was something you did. My friends were doing it. Teens on TV were doing it. It was a normal part of growing up.

I vowed not to be stupid about having sex. I protected myself from pregnancy in multiple ways- condoms, creams, films... lots of fun stuff to suit up with before doing the deed.

When I turned 18 I decided I was done with all those annoying barriers. I wanted to feel more "free" so I went on the Depo-Provera shot. No more condoms, no more creams. Just a shot in the hip every three months and I was good to go.

I was proud of myself for taking such precautions. I was a good girl, a good student and I didn't want to ruin my life or reputation by getting pregnant. That would have been the end of the world. I wanted to go out in the world and make a difference. I made sure my sexual actions had no negative consequences.

Even though I was sexually active in high school, I didn't become sexually slutty until I moved to Maryville. I was tragically depressed and the only thing that made me feel better about myself was lots of booze, buying pretty clothes and shoes, and having sex with pretty much whoever found me desirable. I was trying to live a Friends lifestyle. I was trying to live the modern college girl's lifestyle. I was being used and emotionally abused. Sex was making me happy and miserable at the same time. But it was so easy to have sex with whoever since I was on the shot. The shot also made it easier to be taken advantage of.

I remember hearing here and there that the Catholic Church was against contraception. I didn't grow up with a youth group while in high school so I was clueless when it came to teachings on sex and marriage. I just thought that contraception was frowned upon because it led to premarital sex. I thought the Church was cool with married couples using it. I never bothered looking into because I didn't care.

"What prompted you to stop using contraception?

It wasn't any religious awakening. It wasn't even going online and reading about how I was having carcinogens injected into my body every 3 months. I really think it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to get off the shot. I had gained a little bit of weight and was still feeling depressed even though I wasn't drinking anymore and was in a solid relationship with a decent guy. I didn't feel "right" being on the shot, so I just decided to stop. My boyfriend was upset. I went to my annual pap smear and said I was ready to be done. They gave be a huge paper sack of condoms. I was OK with that.

Fast forward to my spiritual growth spurt in Atchison. I started exploring more about the Catholic faith. I read Christopher West's book The Good News About Sex and Marriage and my mind was blown. Birth control wasn't just frowned upon by the Catholic Church- they thought it was intrinsically evil. And the reasoning they gave blew me away. The Truth knocked me on my ass. I was shocked at how my view of sex was changed. Sex was much more awesome than I thought, I was just doing it wrong. I was so angry that I was never taught this view of sex. The view I previously had of sex was so dull and cheapened. Never again would I have sex before marriage. Never again would I use contraception.

I decided to read up on how harmful Depo Provera really was. I learned there was a "black box warning" that read:

"FDA and Pfizer notified healthcare professionals of the addition of a BOXED WARNING along with revisions to the WARNINGS, INDICATIONS AND USAGE, PRECAUTIONS and POSTMARKETING EXPERIENCE sections of the prescribing information to include information on the loss of significant bone mineral density. Depo-Provera Contraceptive Injection is indicated only for the prevention of pregnancy in women of child-bearing potential. Bone loss is greater with increasing duration of use and may not be completely reversible. Depo-Provera Contraceptive should be used as a long-term birth control method (eg, longer than 2 years) only if other birth control methods are inadequate."

I was on the shot longer for just two years, thank God. I read elsewhere that getting the shot in your teenage years increases the risk of bone loss and can lead to infertility and breast cancer. Now I was scared.

The part that scared and devastated me the most was learning that some forms of contraception are abortifacients. How many of my own children had been swept away from my uterus by the hormones caused by the shot? If I get to heaven how many of my sons and daughters will be there waiting for me with love and forgiveness? Needless to say, I cried over that thought many many times.

The first time I had ever heard of Natural Family Planning was in Christopher West's book. I read about how awesome it is and how beneficial and beautiful. That was the path for me.

I turned my life to God. I changed.

Or so I thought.

I started dating Ryan about a year after my spiritual growth spurt. It had been a little over a year since I had sex. Those temptations were buried deep inside and sin took over. Ryan and I became sexually active and used birth control. It was a huge struggle for both of us because we knew the reasons why sex before marriage is a sin. We went to confession frequently. We prayed. We "stopped" only to start back up again. We were both weak and I was deeply, deeply ashamed.

Instead of helping the situation, I created more temptation. My cycles were all over the place, probably still trying to regulate after I got my period a year AFTER I stopped getting the shot, and also due to stress. I decided to go on the Pill to get regular. I was on the pill for two months, deluding myself that this was due to health reasons.

I remember the day I knew that Ryan truly loved me and that he was the man I was destined to marry. He picked me up from one of my classes and dropped me off at the house I was living. Before I left he took a deep breath and said to me, "This is your choice, but I really think it would be better for you to get off the pill. I'm afraid it will make me start viewing you as an object." That was the Holy Spirit talking through him. He wasn't very knowledgeable about Catholic sexual ethics or theology, but God showed him the truth. My heart filled with love and from that moment we stopped having sex and stopped contracepting.

"How did you learn NFP?"

I read about NFP in The Good News About Sex and Marriage, but didn't know the details. When I lived in a campus house with seven other good Catholic gals I got a basic gist of the idea. One of my housemates was getting married and she and her fiance went to an NFP class. Later that night she kind of explained some stuff. She mostly talked about periods and something called cervical mucus. Sounded interesting. I remember hearing in a conversation that using condoms was like french kissing with plastic grocery sacks over your heads. I couldn't agree more.

I don't really remember talking to Ryan about our decision to use NFP in our marriage. I'm not sure if was after our decision to stop sleeping together while we were dating or if we were engaged. He was fully supportive of using NFP even though he had only heard negative things about it.

When we got engaged I thought we should take a class and learn as much as we could before we would have to put it into use. A college friend of mine was going to a class with her fiance and she kind of explained the Sympto-Thermal Method to me. Sounded easy enough.

In our marriage prep we got a brochure about NFP. We went to an Engagement Encounter retreat and they talked about it there, but I didn't feel they really went into good detail about the benefits of NFP. It felt more like a lecture.

We never found the time to get into a class, so I ordered the home-study kit through Couple to Couple League. I read through the book and it all seemed fairly straight forward. Yeah there was a lot of weird sounding stuff like checking your mucus and cervix, but it takes a lot to gross me out. However, when I started to make my own observations I was confused beyond all measure. Was this sticky or stretchy mucus? Uh oh, I forgot to take my temp! What now?! And the one I asked frequently- Where in God's green earth is my cervix?!

It took awhile, and I still don't feel like an expert, but I got the hang of it. My periods were always very irregular, but once I found my temperature shift I knew in 13-14 days I'd have my period. I started learning more about my body. I was amazed at the female body. God did some nice work creating us females.

I found it very difficult to explain to Ryan how STM worked. I could work it out in my head but explaining it was tough. He's not much of a reader so I didn't want to just throw him the book to figure it out. We took a class with a very nice teaching couple. It was during that class that we found out there was a good possibility I was pregnant. A couple days later a positive pregnancy test confirmed it. We never went to another class.

I had two charts in between my miscarriage and getting pregnant with Joe. I was very nervous about NFP and breastfeeding. I could see that luteal phase was greatly affected by breastfeeding which I knew would create an obstacle with conceiving in the future, which it did.

To help with supplementing STM, I enrolled in a research study for the Marquette method using the Clear Blue Easy monitor. Ryan and I loved it!

"How has it impacted your marriage?"

We have never used any form of artificial contraception in our marriage, so I don't know how using it and then using NFP would have impacted our marriage.

A lot of NFP information talks about the beauty of the husband being involved in this form of family planning. With contraception it is usually the woman's sole responsibility. There are NFP stories of a husband filling out a woman's chart at the end of the day or who wakes her up to take her temperature in the morning. I'm sure that does happen, but not in our marriage, and I'm fine with that. I'm really anal and OCD about making sure everything is neat and correct, so I'd just take the time to double check his work anyway.

Ryan has learned a lot about my body and thinks it's pretty awesome how I am put together. He also knows ahead of time the times of the month when I'm more hormonal than usual.

NFP has opened the doors of communication in our marriage. Sure, we fight, we argue, we joke, we discuss, we debate- but we're always open and honest about our feelings. There is no silent treatment and we always resolve our negative issues fairly soon after they begin.

"What struggles have you had with NFP?"

Our main struggle was trying to understand how NFP works. There have been times that I have really had a difficult time understanding my signs.

It is hard to trust NFP and God sometimes. It can be downright scary.

We haven't had a lot of OMG ABSTIENCE IS TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moments. That really hasn't been a difficulty, but those rare times that we have to put on the brakes have been tough.

The biggest struggle has been emotional for both of us. We have family and friends who just don't understand our decision to use NFP. It's tough to live in a society where everyone around you use contraception. It's tough and annoying to hear that NFP is "Vatican Roulette" or "What do you call couples who use NFP? Parents." comments. We feel like complete outsiders sometimes. There have been times I've thrown my hands in the air and yelled, "Fine! Let's just use the Pill! It'd be so much easier!" My saint of a husband has reminded me that we don't buy into modern day society. We buy into God's plan. God's plan isn't easy, but it is good.


So there is my contraception/NFP journey. NFP hasn't been easy, but it's been a blessing. Contraception was easy, but was destroying my life and my soul.

Oh yeah, and NFP really does work!

Our Honeymoon

Oh, that Betty Beguiles. She has the greatest blogging ideas ever! She has had these fun link-up's to participate in and now she wants us to write about our honeymoon! Go check her out to read her story!

Ryan and I never really planned on having a honeymoon. We got married in April of 2009 and I was still finishing up my final semester of college. It was stressful enough to plan for a wedding, take some really tough senior seminar courses, travel to get to college (1 1/2 hours away) and to visit my soon to be husband (3 hours away.) I wasn't going to add to the stress of trying to plan a honeymoon as well.

Besides, we couldn't really afford a honeymoon. And to add to that Ryan had recently started a new job and didn't have vacation time built up. We just figured that we'd take a honeymoon someday in the future. It wasn't really that big of a deal for us.

The wedding came and went and it was perfect. I moved in with my husband and focused on writing some huge research papers to finish up my degree. I was driving an hour and a half to school two days out of the week. I was beyond stressed but finally the papers were turned in, graduation day arrived, and I walked across the stage and received my diploma the month following our wedding.

It was time to relax and start to enjoy married life. The thought of a honeymoon was far from my mind. The week leading up to Memorial Day weekend Ryan mentioned that he had a very rare four days in a row off of work starting on Memorial Day. What were we going to do with all that free time? Go to St. Louis since I had never been there? Go down south so I could see the beach for the first time? I remembered my mom had taken my nephew to South Dakota to Mouth Rushmore the previous fall and had a really good time. I suggested we go up there since it wasn't too terribly far. I had received quite a bit of money from my graduation in addition to the money we had received from our wedding. It didn't even really dawn on us that we were planning for our honeymoon. This was just going to be a fun trip.

On Sunday evening around 8:00 we left for South Dakota. We drove through Iowa in the darkness, but were excited to be off and doing something new and different. We stayed the night in Sioux Falls. We mentioned we were newlyweds and they gave us a huge suite for a discounted price. There was a hot tub right in the room which was awesome. The next day we set out for the long trek across South Dakota.

We had no itinerary. No schedule. We just set out to where we wanted to go and spent however long we wanted to be there. It was relaxing not to stick to a schedule or budget. I don't get out much of this great state of Missouri, so it was so exciting for me to get to another state and see a different landscape. We went to Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Bear Country and Custer National Park. We roamed around Keystone and bought some salt water taffy and had pizza out on a deck. We drove around the Black Hills Forest and listened to the calming, ethereal sound of the wind through the pine trees. We hiked around the Badlands.

This honeymoon wasn't too terribly exciting or exotic. However, we did have a bit of a conundrum. While we were in South Dakota I was looking at my NFP charts. I realized that I was in my peak fertility. We were newlyweds, and this was our honeymoon. Did we really feel called to avoid pregnancy at this time? It was a bit of a risk but we decided open our hearts and trust that God would pick the right time for us to conceive. If I got pregnant on our honeymoon, then so be it.

It turns out that I did not get pregnant. I was shocked because even someone who barely knows anything about NFP could see that my body was in prime baby making mode. But God chose differently. This experience on our honeymoon really taught us to trust in God. It taught us the value of NFP. He knows what is best for us and our marriage is happier because we include the Almighty in it.

As we were driving back from South Dakota my husband asked if we were going to consider this our honeymoon or if were were going to save up and take a fancier one in the future. We both agreed that this was the perfect honeymoon for us. Talking, driving and being outdoors was exactly what we felt was right for our honeymoon. We didn't need a fancy cruise or sandy beaches to make us feel like we had a good trip.

It didn't matter where were, as long as we had each other, it was perfect.



Gosh, I feel like we look so young in these pictures and they were just taken 2 1/2 years ago!

Thanks, Betty, for hosting this fun link-up!

Yesterday's Appointment

Sigh... God must laugh at me a lot. Especially when I worry!

You might be wondering how my doctor's appointment went regarding the birth control question.

Well first of all, the Holy Spirit must have given me a Chuck Norris dose of courage because I wasn't nervous or dreading the question at all. When he asked, "What were you thinking for birth control?" and I said "Ryan and I use NFP" he said in a very supportive voice, "Alright, that's perfect!"

End of discussion.

All that worrying for nothing!

My blood pressure is back to normal- 112/62- HAPPY DANCE! I get to go off my meds!

On another note- I took Joe to the pediatrician because he's been having some painful gas. They weighed him and my little chunker is 12 lbs 10 oz! I make 'em big! :-)

The Question I Am Dreading Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go in to see my OB/GYN. He is going to see how my blood pressure is and determine if I need to continue taking my blood pressure medication or if I am finally free and clear of this pregnancy-induced hypertension. I took my blood pressure at one of those machines located at the pharmacy at Wal-Mart and it appears my blood pressure is finally back in normal range, but I question the accuracy of those machines.

I have a feeling that my blood pressure will be elevated somewhat tomorrow because I am anxious and dreading the one question that I know he is going to ask:

"What form of birth control would you like to be put on?"

Now, this is me being the glass-is-half-empty kind of gal, but I just have a feeling I will get a "look" when I say that I won't be needing any birth control, thanks- we use NFP. (Or will using the term "fertility awareness" make me sound less of a religious nut and more science-y?)

I have heard stories of women who tell their doctors they don't use birth control and the doctor rudely says to them, "OK, well, I will see you in a couple months when you get pregnant again." I doubt my doctor would have that kind of bed-side manner, but I just do not want to deal with the ridiculing look he may possibly give me.

The reason I dread this so much is because everywhere I read it stresses that breastfeeding alone is not a reliable way to space children. The authors stress the importance of using a back-up method of birth control. One of the nurses at the hospital made it quite clear that I need to think about birth control options because she had a cousin who nursed triplets and still got pregnant 6 months after they were born.

Now, I know that it isn't completely reliable to fully depend on breastfeeding to space children. I am aware that fertility can return even while breastfeeding. I understand that reading these fertility signs can be confusing while breastfeeding. Maybe perhaps part of why I dread "The Question" is because I am afraid that I will somehow screw up NFP and get pregnant without really planning on it and all the criticisers will think, "I told you NFP wasn't reliable." They'll shake their head and think, "Why doesn't she just get on the pill or have Ryan slap on a condom? It's so much easier."

For the first time NFP has become a huge challenge. Yes, it would be easier to go on the pill and not worry about trying to determine when I am fertile and when I am not. (Although going on the pill doesn't guarantee not getting pregnant. I am living proof of that!) Sometimes being a good Catholic is hard. Sometimes using NFP is difficult. But will I ever go on the pill just make my life easier? No. I cannot bring myself to do that. I know there will be people that think I definitely should go on the pill or some other form of birth control since I had such a rough go of pre-eclampsia. "What if you get pregnant again right away? That can't be good for your body" is what I can see them saying. Well, I'm going to pull an Albus Dumbledore quote out right here and say, "Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." Well this is my time to choose.

I choose NFP.

I choose God's will over my own.

I choose to give myself completely to my husband and not hold anything back- especially my fertility.

Am I scared of misreading my fertility signs and getting pregnant in 3 months? Yes. Motherhood is the most rewarding job, but at this point it is sometimes the most terrifying job as well. (Especially for a perpetual worrier like me.) Ryan and I don't know when we'll feel called to have another child. But we both take comfort in knowing that if we do get pregnant sooner than we plan that it's all apart of God's will. There really are no "unplanned pregnancies" because all children are willed by God.

Ryan and I use the sympto-thermal method of NFP taught by Couple to Couple League. Part of this method is taking your basal body temperature every day around the same time when you wake up, preferably after about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Well I haven't had 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a month, and I doubt I will be getting that many Z's any time soon. So I am worried that STM won't be very effective for me. But do we really want to learn a whole new method? How can we when we live out in the sticks and no one around here teaches any form of NFP?

I wrote a post in July about NFP and trust. This postpartum time is really going to teach me to trust God- for real. I'm praying for him to give Ryan and I wisdom and guidance. I'm going to really have to accept God's will. But I'm not going to only sit back and say, "God, take care of it." I'm going to research the crap out of postpartum NFP and breastfeeding, especially ecological breastfeeding. If any of you NFP moms out there want to give me some advice, I will GLADLY take that as well!

I'm probably overreacting about the dread I have concerning tomorrow. I mentioned to the doc at the very beginning of my pregnancy that we use NFP, so saying no to birth control shouldn't be a big shock to him. But I'm a product of fallen human nature so I worry about what others think of me. I'm sure there are friends and family who think my husband and I are nuts for using NFP, but very few have voiced their concerns. I don't know if I will be able to handle a doctor who, since he has oodles of education, thinks he knows everything and will try to sway me to use birth control.

This journey will be difficult, but I know with all my heart that it will all be worth it! Sometimes the best things in life don't come easy!

NFP and Trust

First of all, I want to thank all of you who left a kind and encouraging comment or email or text for me regarding my last post. You have no idea how much your prayers have helped. And God did answer our prayers- yesterday we looked at our bank account and there was an extra $200 there from a very generous family member. She didn't even know of our current financial situation, but she is a very holy woman, so I'm sure God gave her a heads up.

I've been having a hard time trusting God lately. This whole recent situation has caused me to look at the cross and close my eyes and make that leap of faith that all will be well. I've been needing some help in that trust area. And what do you know- this week is NFP Awareness Week and this year's theme is Trust: God Has a Plan For Your Marriage.

I was all for NFP when I first read about it long before I even met my husband. It's healthier both spiritually and physically, cheaper and the way God designed our bodies. Thankfully my husband was on board with using NFP before we were engaged.

When I actually got the at home study kit for NFP I was scared. I had irregular cycles. Could I actually learn all this stuff? Could I explain it to my husband? (This is why I recommend going to a class.) But we put our trust in God that with his guidance, we could figure all this stuff out.

The literature I had read had stated over and over that it didn't matter if you had irregular cycles; NFP could still work for me. And it did work. In fact the more I learned about my body and my cycle, the more regular I became, give or take a few days. After my miscarriage and a consultation with some NFP instructors I learned my basal body temperatures were abnormally low and that taking prenatals and flax seed oil would bring my temperature up and possibly be helpful in carrying a baby to full-term. And that worked too!

I discovered a few weeks before my wedding that I was going to be fertile on my wedding night. That wasn't going to stop us. We trusted that if God wanted to bless us with a child that night then we would be OK with that. He knows what we can handle. Well as it turns out, we did not conceive a child that night, nor on our honeymoon where I was super duper fertile.

I started getting a little worried that I wasn't conceiving right away. Since we were open to life and making love on my fertile days, shouldn't we be making babies easily? This showed us that we aren't in control of everything in our lives, including when to have children- that awesome power belongs to God.

In July of last year we finally did get pregnant, but sadly lost our precious baby a few weeks later. Before this event we were always "not trying to get pregnant, but not NOT trying either." After the miscarriage I was scared to death of getting pregnant. We abstained during my fertile times and we had never done that before. But oh my goodness.. just laying there in my husband's arms as he rubbed my back as I drifted off to sleep was almost better than having sex. (I said almost!)

After a month or so after I got my cycle back after the miscarriage I felt that pull to maybe think about being open to another life. But this time our trust was tested. What if we had to go through the pain of a miscarriage again? What if my fertility was negatively affected after the miscarriage that conceiving would be very difficult? We had discussed waiting until we were financially stable, but knew we'd probably never have kids if we went that route. It was scarier this time to be open to life.

But God wouldn't give us anything we couldn't handle. That pull to be open to life became stronger and stronger, and to our surprise and joy we conceived the baby I am now carrying during the second cycle after my miscarriage.

NFP has opened the door to allow me to be more trusting in God not only with planning our family, but with God planning my whole life. If I can make that huge step in trusting him to be a part of our marriage that involves the magnificent power and responsibility of creating human life then I should be able to do that in all areas of my life. I have to trust that God's time is the perfect time- not ours. God's plan is the perfect plan- not ours. I need to focus on one day at a time and see the blessings right in front of me instead of the blessings I hope God gives to me in the future.

NFP has been a huge blessing for my marriage, my health, and my own self-worth. But it has also been a pivotal tool in building a better relationship with God. And that is what I need right now. That is what I need at all times.