37 Weeks 6 Days

I was one day shy of 38 weeks when pre-eclampsia kicked my butt and I was induced. Joe was not ready to come out so 2 days later I had to have a c-section. With that began a whole new chapter in our lives. A very terrifying, exciting, and hilarious chapter, indeed.

I am at that point in my pregnancy today. My blood pressure has been perfect so far, thank God (and St. Gerard!) So I don't think we'll be meeting our son today.

So far my doctor has been totally laid-back and awesome about my wishes for a VBAC. He said the only way he would suggest a c-section is if I'm at 40 weeks and my cervix is still long and thick. However, he stressed multiple times that it is MY choice, which I really appreciate. He is open to what I feel is best. I just pray pre-e doesn't sneak up later in pregnancy to spoil it all. I feel good knowing that I have a very open-minded doctor.

Now it is the waiting game that is killing me. I've started the exercise ball bouncing, the EPO insertion, walking and... ahem... the frequent act of renewing our marriage vows to get things somewhat started. I know it won't work unless baby is ready, but I am willing to try. I'm getting anxious. I wonder if my water will break or if I will even dilate and efface. If my labor and delivery with Joe would have been "normal" would I have been able to do it all, or would I have stalled, or Joe's heart rate get too low? Who knows. So far my doctor hasn't mentioned this baby being too big like my last OB did with Joe, so that gives me a little hope that I can squeeze him through.

Not only am I anxious about when this is all going to go down, but I'm wondering how our family will adjust from three to four. It has always been just us three. I know it will be a challenge to adjust to two. It will be different. It is just weird to think about our family growing. I've always wanted a big family, but I'm so used to just one child that I don't know what to expect with two.

I often wonder how I will be able to handle two children. I already have experience with a newborn, so I don't think I'll be quite as petrified as I was with Joe. However, with newborn Joe I had only him to focus on. Now I will have a newborn AND Joe. I keep feeling like I'm going to forget something, like how to breastfeed. I feel like there's something I need to buy, but I don't know what it is. I'm so ready to meet this baby, but anxious, too.

I've been feeling guilty because I know my attention will be divided between Joe and the new baby. I've been so tired lately that I haven't had much energy to do anything, let alone play with Joe. I already feel like I am neglecting him by putting in a movie while I get some rest. I know the greatest gift you can give a child is a sibling and there are many times I see him interacting with other kids and can't wait to see him with a little brother.

This baby will be loved, no matter how unsure or scared we are about expanding our family. It might be scary, but I know it will be exciting to see our family grow.

The past few weeks Ryan, Joe and I have taken evening rides in our van. We get some ice cream at McDonalds or Sonic and just ride around. I enjoy these outings as a family and I can't wait to add another member to our summer cruises.

I just wish he would hurry up!

I complain....

Me: "UGH! I keep hearing our neighbor's TV! And they are stomping around up there! I wish they would be quiet!"

Somewhere, someone else is saying: "I am deaf. I've never heard the voice of my husband or the coos and giggles of my 7 month old daughter."

Me: "I hate this apartment. There are barely any windows."

Somewhere, someone else is saying: "I live in poverty in a third world country. The shack I live in has no windows and it gets unbearably hot in the summer."

Me: "I look SO FAT with this pregnancy. I'm tired of this baby doing kung-foo on my bladder and my back hurting all the time!"

Somewhere, someone else is saying: "I got yet another negative pregnancy test. I will have to see the heartbroken look on my husband's face when I tell him he isn't going to be a daddy this month"

Me: "This air conditioner sucks. I'm hot."

Somewhere, someone else is saying, "I am an 87 year old woman living on social security and living alone. I have no air conditioning unit and the heat index is 107 degrees."

Me: "I'm worried we won't be able to afford Catholic education."

Somewhere, someone else is saying, "I'm a single mother to three young children. I'm worried I won't be able to afford food on the table this week."

Me: "I just know I'm going to get pre-eclampsia. Why does this have to happen to me?"

Somewhere, someone else is saying, "My OB strongly urged me to terminate this pregnancy because there is a 50/50 chance I will die due to my heart condition." 

Me: "My 22 month old crackhead toddler is driving me nuts!!!"

Somewhere, someone else is saying, "I lost my son while I was 22 weeks pregnant. I held him while his heart kept beating for an hour and then he passed away."






I'm having a lot of difficulty with my prayer life. I have a lot of things going on in my mind. But what I do get out is just a lot of petitions and complaining. I rarely ever pray for others or thank God for my blessings. I mentiond above that someone out there is saying they are being pressured into aborting. That isn't something I just made up. A woman approached the NFP group I am a part of asking for prayers. Suddenly, my fears and worries about pre-eclampsia seem silly because I haven't even been diagnosed.

I need to get to confession. I need to look at the bright side of life, no matter how many things are stressing me out or annoying the crap out of me.

Things could be worse. There are people out there who are in worse situations than I am, yet they are much happier than me.

My faith that "everything will be alright" is shaky most of the time. But God has taken care of us so far... why would he stop? 

Freaking Out..

34 weeks

Sigh...

I had my regular doctor's appointment today. They weighed me and I didn't look at the scale, as usual. Then I went into do my urine sample. I was quite impressed at how clear it was. All that water drinking was paying off.

I went into the room and the nurse took my blood pressure. It was 126/73. Just the fact that the top number was 6 over "normal" I freaked out. The nurse assured me that I was still within the normal limits. She even patted me on the back as I was talking a hundred miles a minute expressing my concerns.

When she left I started feeling jittery and nervous. I just felt like something was amiss. The medical student who is shadowing Dr. S came in and straight out said, "You've gained 9 lbs in two weeks and Dr. S. is slightly concerned about that, but your blood pressure is good and there's no protein in your urine." I completely broke down. All my fears of getting pre-eclampsia came rushing at me. It's almost like I have PTSD. What did I do wrong these last few weeks? Did I have one too many granola bars? Did I overeat? What did I do???

Maybe I got a little too prideful with a previous blog post about my pregnancy. But I've been exercising and drinking water.... Maybe I should have been taking calcium supplements. I know that there is nothing one can do to to prevent pre-eclampsia, but I still feel like I failed. (Even though I haven't been diagnosed at all.)

My doctor came in and said everything was fine. I do not have pre-e. Sometimes people gain a lot of weight in a short amount of time and the next week they barely gain at all. I have some slight swelling but nothing out of the norm.The baby looks perfect. He's right on track- not measuring big. But because of my history he wants me to come in weekly. That's not that big of a deal because originally I was supposed to come in in two weeks THEN start my weekly visits. So we're just starting weekly a week early.

He told me to lay on my side as often as possible and drink plenty of fluids. He assured me that things were fine.

I didn't ask him how this could affect my chances of having a VBAC. I didn't want any more possible bad news. Of course I will do everything I can to keep baby and me safe, but I just feel like everything is falling apart.

Who knows... perhaps next week will be just fine. I'm already having struggles with turning to God for help, so this whole situation is especially hard. So any prayers at all would be greatly appreciated. Everything is fine right now. I just worry way too much and see the negative. That's why I listen to this song over and over again.

OMG... HELP ME.

Seriously. My brain is mush. I have a billion and one posts in my head, but the way the sentences read in my head are similar to "The cat jumped on the wall. The cat looked at the clouds." When I type my thoughts they come out, "Cat wall. He jumped up there. And I forget what happens. OIEhw30q1alwwww" (The last part is Joe typing when I get up to use the bathroom for the 47th time.)

I also have a feeling that Joe knows his world is about to be changed forever in about 6 weeks. He has been very clingy lately. And even though it gets tiring reading the same dinosaur book over and over and over and over and over and over again, I need to treasure these moments of just him and me.

But I need help. Hopefully this post makes sense.

Joe's sleeping habits have entered a deep abyss of chaos.

This is how things used to go. It wasn't perfect, but it worked for us:

6:00: Eat supper

6:30-7:00- Joe runs amok

7:00- Bath, diaper change, brushing teeth

7:15-7:30- Prayer time, story time

7:30- lights out, we lay with him until he falls asleep

Sometimes laying with him can range from 30 minutes to an hour. Sometimes he gets up to play. Sometimes he just lays there. But usually from 8:30-10:00 Ryan and I have quiet time before we go to bed. Sometimes Joe will wake up again, but we just go lay with him for a few minutes and he goes back to sleep. Around 11:00 he cries again and we just bring him into bed with us because it is easier that way. We've been doing that for quite awhile now.

But now things are different. Our bed time ritual is the same. We start laying with him and he will just lay there. For nearly 2 hours. He won't get up to play. He won't whine for anything. He'll just lay there in the semi-dark with his eyes open. When he finally shuts his eyes and we wait about 20 minutes to make sure he is in a deep sleep, he wakes up when we make the slightest move.

For the last week and a half we both have spent from 7:30 to when we go to sleep laying with Joe. Finally we just determined that he isn't tired and let him stay up with us until we go to bed. But then he sleeps in the next day. I cannot believe I am complaining about that, but it just throws our whole schedule off the next day.

Screw going to bed. I'm going to watch the Stanley Cup final instead.

We've tried skipping naps, but most of the time that doesn't matter. He'll just lay there forever. And I know he needs naps because when I lay with him to nap he will fall asleep almost right away.

I thought perhaps he is beginning to teeth with his 2 year molars, so we gave him Children's Advil before bed and that does nothing.

We just don't understand why he lays there. He knows that it is bedtime. After we brush his teeth we say, "Binky bed time!" and he runs to the drawer where we keep them during the day. We give him his binky and sippy cup and he runs to his bedroom and gets on his bed. He points up to the shelf where we have the picture of Mary and Jesus. Usually before we're done praying he runs to get a book. He knows the routine. He just lays there and doesn't try to get out of the room or play with his toys.

We've finally resorted to leaving him in there by himself. We still have our video baby monitor and we watch him FREAK OUT. I mean it is horrible screaming and crying. Sometimes he will run over to his book shelf and look at a book all still while screaming bloody murder. He'll run to the door. Run to his bed. The longest we've gone is about 10 minutes. When we go back in you'd think he would try and run out of his room but he runs right back to his bed. We will lay with him but it is still more just laying and staring into space.

I know there are many mysteries and phases of parenting a toddler. But this one just has us scratching our heads. It is frustrating because when Ryan gets home he spends a lot of time with Joe so I can get a break. I can't lay with Joe anymore because I'm too preggo, so Ryan is stuck spending the hours in there watching him stay awake. I feel bad because Ryan doesn't get a chance to relax after work. I don't relax because I try and help soothe Joe the best I can.

Are we doomed to never have alone time again? Should we just let him stay up? Should we let him cry it out? I'm really concerned with how things will go when the baby arrives. I don't want Joe to share our bed forever, but I just don't even know where to begin...

Heeeeellllllllllppppp mmmmeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Just Some Stuff...

I've tried for awhile to write a blog post. Sometimes I look at the blinking cursor thingy and I drift off to sleep. Other times Joe jumps in my lap. Once I think I wrote half a post, it somehow got deleted and I turned into the spawn of Satan.

I've been feeling like this lately:

I have been super tired and super pissy. In the beginning of my pregnancy I was really hormonal in the sad/depressed way. Now I've just been mad and easily irritated. (My poor young neighbors upstairs have their days numbered where I will tolerate their loud TV.)

So here is a mish mash of stuff I've wanted to write about.

On Sunday afternoon Ryan and I went to the Kansas City symphony. It was a Christmas present from my father in law. I felt like such a grown up going but I knew I would feel like a kid because the music we would be listening to was music from Disney movies. I had never before been to the symphony so I was super excited.

We had excellent seats and the music was simply amazing. The vocalists sounded just like the characters in the movies. And guess what I did. I cried. They were showing clips from the movies and from Disney World and a whole bunch of childhood memories came flooding back to me. I've been stressed with money and finances and the future and it was nice to escape to a world where my only worries were if we had enough popsicles and if mom would let me go to a sleepover.

My mind also drifted to Joe and how his childhood is really starting to take-off. He loves Toy Story and Cars and I can see his love for adventure and make believe growing. Just thinking about his innocence make me all weepy.

****

I've been slacking on my blogging. That doesn't really bother me. I'm pretty sure there aren't any people who are sitting anxiously by their computers waiting for a new post from me. But what I feel bad about is my lack of commenting on y'alls posts. There are times I've noticed that some of my regular commentors haven't really been commenting as much. I was racking my brain as to why that was when I realized how little I comment. I'm not saying that these people aren't commenting because I'm not commenting on their posts. But the reason I don't comment is because I'm just plain tired. And perhaps that is the same reason why some people don't comment on my posts. (My Lord, that's a lot of typing the word "comment")

I want to comment. I have comments in my head I just sometimes don't have the energy to write it all out. Other times I plan on going back to comment but forget. So I am reading your blogs! I do care about what you write! I haven't dropped off the face of the earth.

Perhaps this is another reason I don't comment or blog:

Pregnancy Body Image and Pre-Eclampsia Fears

Last Friday I reached the 30 week mark in my pregnancy. Never before have I looked at my ankles so much. 

Why? 

Well, let's take a looksey at what my ankles looked like at 30 weeks in my last pregnancy: 

Yeeeaaaahhh... 

I was at my 30 week point when I started to swell significantly. I knew it looked bad at the time, but when I look back at photos I am in complete shock. Oddly enough, my blood pressure was perfect when I started to swell. It wasn't until 38 weeks that my blood pressure spiked. 

I have big fears about getting pre-eclampsia again. It is super serious and can be deadly. That part has always scared the living bejesus out of me. But it also took away some of the joy of bring a new life into the world. It was hard to bond with Joe because I was in such bad shape. After his birth, all the attention was directed toward me because my blood pressure was spiraling out of control. I would have rather had attention for birthing a freaking adorable baby boy. I was confined to the bed and recovering from a c-section and dealing with the nurses freaked out looks every time they took my blood pressure. It was not enjoyable.

I thank God I didn't really feel any of the affects of high blood pressure. There were no headaches, no spots in my vision. I did feel anxious but that's because I was afraid I was going to die and I also had to worry about keeping an infant who totally depended on me alive. It was a rough experience physically and emotionally. 

I've talked with my previous OB and my current OB about my guilt that I brought pre-eclampsia on myself. They both assured me that I had not. They have seen women who are perfectly healthy, eating all organic, and working out everyday getting pre-eclampsia. 

I still resolved that I would not follow the same habits I did when I was last pregnant. For breakfast I would eat Cap'n Crunch or some other high-sugar cereal. Now I eat Multi-grain Cheerios. For lunch and supper I would usually eat a can of spaghettios or a Hungry Man frozen dinner because Ryan worked strange hours and I ate by myself. Now for lunch I always have two PB&J's. Since Ryan works regular hours we always have a home-cooked meal for supper. It's not all natural or organic, but it's not from a can. In my last pregnancy my snacks usually consisted of oatmeal cream pies, sour cream and onion chips and popsicles. Now I snack on fruit, cheese, granola bars and fruit snacks. My before-bedtime snack used to consist of practically a whole bag of mini chocolate donuts and a big glass of chocolate milk. Now it's usually fruit. Lately it's been applesauce. 

In my previous pregnancy I did not exercise at all. I remember at around 13 weeks, when the weather started getting nice, I attempted to walk everyday but I got bad shin splints. Instead of working through them or trying another exercise I just gave up. The only activity I really did was clean house. This pregnancy I've been trying to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Of course I'm a lot more active chasing around a crazy toddler. 

I could be doing better. I could be eating more in moderation. I could be exercising a little harder. I've still gained a nice amount of weight. But I think I'm doing a lot better than last time. Here is my ankle at 30 weeks this pregnancy: 

If you ignore the super-sexy flip flop tan line you can see I STILL have ankles! Although, I like my flip flop tan line because it is proof I am going outside and being active and I'm still wearing my trusty old size 6 flip flops. In my last pregnancy I had to search for a size 7 around 25 weeks because my feet were swelling that much. 

I really credit doing Weight Watchers before I got pregnant. I was overweight when I got pregnant with Joe, but with this baby I was in a healthy weight range when we conceived. Weight Watchers also taught me how to eat better and I've carried most of it into this pregnancy. 

A lot of people have commented on how good I look. Some people have said when they look at me straight on they can't even tell I'm pregnant (I think they need their eyes checked, but it has happened on three different occasions.) It's nice to get compliments instead of what I got in my last pregnancy. "Wow, I didn't recognize you! Your face is so full!" Not a good idea to say that to a hormonal pregnant lady.

I feel a lot better this pregnancy. Last time I was so tired and big and swollen that it hurt to walk around and even get out of my chair. My feet would hurt so bad. I waddled very early in my pregnancy. Not this time. Thank goodness for that because Joe needs me. 

I've been somewhat obsessive this time around of my appearance. Most of it is because of my fears of pre-eclampsia. There are times after a very busy, hot day my feet have swollen a little and I freak. I immediately take my blood pressure with our home monitor and it's always perfect. I'm constantly asking my husband if my ankles look swollen.

There are times I look at other pregnant women and am so jealous. It looks like they just stuffed a basketball under their shirt. I've gotten pleasantly plump all over and it upsets me sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm the only pregnant woman that compares her body to other pregnant women. I hate reading on BabyCenter.com the message board posts of how much weight a woman has gained in her pregnancy. I did get a little neurotic about how much weight I was gaining at the beginning of this pregnancy. There was one month I had a big jump and my jaw dropped. The nurse just laughed and said this was my month to get the big leap in weight. I didn't believe her and mentioned my concerns to my doctor. He told me he wasn't worried about it. Now I am trying to stop stressing so much.

I look in the mirror and get a little stressed about my plump face, my chubby arms, and my growing badonkadonk. But then I look at my huge belly and know that there is a reason for all this. I remember "bargaining" with God at the beginning of this pregnancy. I told him I would rather have all the aches and pains and constipation and stretch marks and I'd gladly gain 70 lbs if I could be spared from pre-eclampsia or any other dangerous pregnancy condition. I know you aren't supposed to bargain, but I thought I'd try.

I got really upset when I would read or hear people make fun of Jessica Simpson when she was pregnant. Because when I saw pictures of her, I saw me (just less stylish and less make-up.) Why do we judge other women, especially when they are growing a person? Why do we compare how much weight we've gained in pregnancy? I know she gave birth to a pretty big baby girl, but as far as I know, there were no complications. Did she feel insecure like me? Did she feel like people were talking negatively behind her back? 

I know that pregnancy isn't always pretty or beautiful. It can be scary and really take a toll on a woman. I'm not saying that I hate pregnancy. It's just hard to give up control to God. It's hard to put your pride on the back burner because not all women are built the same in pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be so vain about my appearance, but it gets scary because I associate getting bigger with swelling and getting pre-eclampsia.

It's kind of funny how I word my prayers to St. Gerard. Of course I ask him for his intercession for a healthy baby, but I also ask him to remind me to drink more water, to find the motivation to exercise and to lay off the fast food. 

So far I think he's getting through to me. :-)

VBAC Hopes and Fears

***I could have sworn I hit publish on Friday, when I inteded for this post to go out. I was beginning to wonder why I wasn't getting any comments (I'm a comment whore) and I came back to realize I didn't publish this!***

Today I enter my third trimester of pregnancy. I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has gone! I guess the days before Joe just dragged on and I had little distraction!

This past week I have been experiencing some new and different pains. I am experiencing some major Braxton Hicks. I thought I knew what they felt like from my pregnancy with Joe, but these are much more noticeable. My hips have been super sore, especially on my right side. And the most bizarre pain? This might be TMI, but I have had some very sharp, stabbing pains in my cervix/vaginal area. It feels like this little baby is trying to knife his way out. I never felt that before.

I consulted Dr. Google and these pregnancy symptoms are pretty common and nothing really to worry about. In fact, they are all pretty much indicators that my body is preparing for labor. And this might sound crazy, but I am actually welcoming these pains, because I want my body to be in prime condition to have a successful VBAC.

I had an appointment with my OB this week and I touched base with him in regards to me attempting a VBAC. He is really supportive and basically wants me to do what I feel comfortable with. I expressed concern with having a big baby and he said we won't really know until the last few weeks of pregnancy. He also said he has faith in his mothers to be able to tell if they are having a big baby. He raved about the labor and delivery nurses and how much of a support they would be. I left the appointment feeling very at peace.

I have been thinking and praying about having a VBAC since basically an hour after Joe was born. My first fear was the major risks a woman takes when trying a VBAC. The biggest risk is uterine rupture. That could result in death of the mother and/or the baby. It could also mean losing my uterus and any chance of having future children would be gone. Those risks scared me greatly. Would trying to have a vaginal delivery really be worth that? I prayed often that I make the right decision. I did my research. As of right now, I feel at ease and at peace of at least attempting a VBAC. There are risks, but the chances of those risks happening are very small. There are risks with having a c-section as well. My doctor seems to have a very level head. He isn't overly VBAC, but he is also very open to them and not pushy with c-sections. He and I are on the same page of having an open mind of what could happen.

I have been thinking about labor and delivery for a couple weeks. I still ache for that experience. A college friend of mine had her daughter a few weeks ago and she had pictures on Facebook of meeting her daughter and holding her right after she came out. The photos were beautiful. Meeting my son was just as beautiful, but it was just.. different. I wasn't the first one to see him. My doctor, husband, and about four nurses saw him and touched him before I did. I don't know why I have such a hang-up on this aspect of my birthing experience. I guess when you have something play over and over in your head for years and years and it not happen, it is just hard to handle.

I wrote a blog post when Joe was about 10 1/2 months old about my struggles with my c-section. I have healed even more since then. I still get a little jealous of hearing about amazing natural birth stories, but for the most part that devastating feeling has passed. I know it had to be done or Joe and myself could have died. God has a plan for everything.

I think what bothers me the most now is how some people out there seem to view a c-section. It is looked at with in such a negative way. After Joe was born I had a couple of people say to me, "Sorry you had to have a c-section." I know they meant nothing bad by it, but it just made me feel like a failure as a woman who just gave birth. There are women out there who are convinced there are more c-sections because the doctor is just too lazy to stick around for a very long labor or because the doctor wants to cash in because they get more money for c-sections. Pardon my French, but I think that is all complete bullshit. I am sure there are some doctors out there who are not as caring as others, but there is a reason you research your doctor and do a meet-and-greet before you labor with them.

Why is giving birth in a tree hut with monkey jungle music and candles the best way to birth? I'm even getting annoyed at those who look down upon those women who do deliver vaginally with an epidural. Does that make them wimps? Does ending up with a c-section make a woman a failure? Do these things make the birth less joyous or beautiful? Well, there are some opinions and ideas floating out there that make it seem this way.

I am keeping an open mind. If my blood pressure skyrockets again and I have to have a c-section, then I'm ready for it. At least I know what to expect and I will know that it is for the best.

I still have fears. I fear that if I do attempt a trial of labor and push and not progress and end up with a c-section that I will be depressed again. I fear that I will feel like I really failed. But I really don't think I will go down that road, because if I do get to feel the contractions and the sensation of pushing then I'll know that I tried my damndest to have a vaginal delivery. What bothered me the most with my c-section is not getting any of that experience whatsoever.

I am not afraid of uterine rupture. I am afraid of other things associated with vaginal delivery. I'm afraid he'll get stuck and not be able to breathe. I'm afraid of cord prolapse or the cord being wrapped around his neck. But those things are out of my control and I put my trust in God and my doctor and nurses.

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone. I am doing a lot better physically than I was with my pregnancy with Joe. First of all, I wasn't overweight when I got pregnant. I've been very active and eating better. I could barely get up out of the recliner at this point in my last pregnancy. I am starting to feel the aches and pains, but they aren't nearly as bad as before. Hopefully that will help in a successful VBAC.

I've been praying frequently that I open myself up to God's will. It may be that God does not intend for me to have a vaginal birth. Of course I would love to have that experience, but God knows best. I want to make the best decisions, so if you all could shoot up a prayer or two for me in regards to this whole VBAC thing, I'd appreciate it! :-)