Rock Bottom...

33 weeks today

I try and keep it light and funny, and occasionally spunky here at From the Heart. No such luck today... sorry folks.

No wondering Wednesday post today. Actually, if I'm wondering anything, it's when this spiritual dry spell will end. I wouldn't even call it a spiritual dry spell... I feel completely drained of anything spiritual.

I have been so tired lately. I'm sure part of the reason is being so pregnant, but I feel it is much more than that. The other day I was so tired I didn't have enough energy to go brush my teeth. I was so desperate to rid myself of that nasty morning breath/cereal/orange juice taste in my mouth, but I when I would stand up, a wave of exhaustion would crash over me like a tidal wave. All I did was crawl on the couch where my husband was sitting and sob in his lap. There he was, gently holding his pitiful wife who had bad breath, a desperate need to shave her legs and was due to put some deodorant on.

Yesterday was a horrible day. It started out by reading a beautifully written blog post from Femininity Revisited. She wrote that her dreams of being a stay at home mother were literally too late to be fulfilled. The post broke my heart and of course I bawled my little eyes out. I felt so bad for her, but also was afraid that her dilemma could be my fate. As much negative criticism I get for wanting to be a SAHM and have more than 2 kids, I get a lot of positive feedback as well (mostly from you lovely folks in the blogosphere.) "You can do it! Trust God! Budget well! If we can do it, you can do it!" Unfortunately at this point I have this big fear that we won't be able to manage it. Maybe it isn't God's plan for me to stay at home. But I have the strongest pull and desire to be a SAHM. It isn't because it's what other people do or because I'm lazy and don't want to work or because I want to be one of those crazy, smothering mothers who end up having spoiled children. I feel it in my heart.

Yesterday I received some pretty crappy financial news. I'm surprised I didn't bawl on the phone with the lady who delivered this news, but I sure did after I hung up. I crawled into the fetal position and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It wasn't just because of this news- it was a combination of feeling alone and worrying about the future. I literally was crying out to God to help us. (Ryan was at the store. My dog was looking at me with confused eyes.) I was sobbing so hard I started having a panic attack. I could feel the hyperventilating coming on and as I was gasping for breath while tears were streaming in my mouth I remembered that if I wasn't getting oxygen, my baby wasn't getting oxygen. I grabbed my belly and took deep breaths. "I gotta calm down for the baby" was something I repeated over and over again. Miraculously, my panic attack quickly subsided- almost instantaneously, and for those who have been around me when I've had an attack know that it usually takes a long long time to calm me down. It's amazing what one can do for someone they love so much.

I've been meaning to write a post on depression during pregnancy but haven't gotten around to it. But I know the difference between depression and spiritual emptiness. I still love being pregnant. Sure it's getting harder to move around and sleeping at night is practically impossible, but when people keep saying to me, "I bet you're ready for this pregnancy to be over with!" I only agree because I am ready to see my son in person. But I still love looking and rubbing my growing belly. I love feeling the nudges and rolls and the way my stomach moves when he's doing the rumba in there. I love pressing down on the hard parts of my belly (maybe a foot? or his head?) and knowing that I'm just a couple inches away from touching my child. I know I am tired because of this growing baby (he's over 17 inches long now!) and maybe that is causing this spiritual dry spell. I feel like I'm in a very deep pit. I look up and see God way up there, out of the pit. I know he's there. I know I can get to him. I just have no mental or physical energy to use the ladder right next to me to climb out of the pit.

I know God doesn't get annoyed, but if he did, he sure would be annoyed with me. Last night while praying I said, "I'm sure I'm driving you nuts, Lord. When I need you the most I run to you and cling to you. But when things are going OK, I put you on the back-burner." I think I'm going to start a novena or dig through my book shelf to find my In Conversation with God devotional. I have no energy to do so, but I will power through.

A Little Bit of Clarification

I have read posts where other bloggers have had to write a "clarification" post regarding something they had previously written about. So here is mine!

The last post I wrote about regarding the rude comments that mothers and fathers of many children get from time to time received many positive comments. I also received some comments on some situations that I had never really given much thought to. There was one comment accusing me of being just as judgemental as those who make rude comments because I didn't address the topic of adoption.

There were a couple comments made that it's not only those couples who have a lot of children who are judged, but also those couples who either don't have kids (yet) or only a few. Many times this happens in the Catholic community. I have made a couple comments regarding this on my post but perhaps people missed them. The first time I read about this happening, I was in shock. Again, where do people feel they can judge any family's size? I will repeat what I wrote in my last post:

Couples have many reasons for their family size. Fertility issues, finances, emotional problems, abuse, family crisis, you name it. God's will isn't for every family to have 8 kids. Some feel called to only have a couple children. I just have issues with those couples who choose to buy a new boat rather than be open to another child.

I want to add that I could have added hundreds of more reasons to the list above for limiting family size. Some couples may feel they are not called to have children at the present time. If a couple honestly feels in their heart that they are not ready to have children yet, then by no means should they feel obligated to start a family. Maybe they are only called to have one child.

Like I wrote above, God does not expect every family to have a bunch of kids. All God asks of us when we profess our marriage vows to each other is to be open to children and to be united to each other- when we have intercourse. Even though God asks us to be open to life he's not some tyrant who demands us to do things we aren't physically or emotionally capable of. (Remember- God is good and merciful!) God doesn't point down a ginormo finger from heaven and say- "YOU BETTER HAVE A BUNCH OF KIDS! I COMMAND YOU! I DON'T CARE IF YOU BARELY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE OR PAY YOUR WATER AND HEAT BILL, I AM EXPECTING 12 KIDS FROM YOU. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION OR A MEDICAL CONDITION THAT WILL BE DETRIMENTAL TO RAISING A FAMILY YOU BETTER BE HAVING INTERCOURSE EVERY MONTH DURING YOUR MOST FERTILE TIME SO YOU WILL MOST LIKELY GET PREGNANT."

The issue I have is if that couple doesn't want to have children because they want to pay off their entire debt, buy a big house, buy a brand new car, travel the world, establish their career, preserve their physically fit bodies, basically anything that puts their own comfort, pleasure, and wants before the good of their spouse and future children. But I still can't judge because I don't know if that couple has no children or only 2 because of miscarriage after miscarriage or because they'd rather landscape their back yard. There are just reasons for postponing a family. But it is very important to involve God in this decision rather than your check book or desire for a hot tub.

The reason I didn't address the topic of those couples getting judged for only having a few kids is because I have no experience with it besides reading it in a blog. All around me it is the norm to have only a few children and no one has issue with it. I have never been around people who say, "Oh, but you should have one more." But if you have those three children close together or add that fourth, then people think you are going overboard. That's where I've experienced the rude comments.

My apologies to those people who read my post that were upset or offended that I didn't include those families who get criticised for having a small family or for not having kids. I understand there are couples out there who dream of a big family but are having financial or fertility problems that prevent this. My heart breaks for them and I always pray to St. Gerard and St. Gianna for those families who dream of having children. I know first hand how it feels to lose a child. And perhaps God's plan for me is to only have one child. Who knows. And those couples who don't suffer from infertility but who don't have children yet, I do not judge at all, because I don't know what God's will is for you! That's why no one should judge ANYONE! Again, my apologies, I'm just not used to people getting judged for small families.

There was one comment wondering why I didn't address the topic of adoption. Honestly, I didn't have time to address every topic regarding family size. But to clarify- I believe adoption is a holy and good thing and I didn't mean to brush it aside like I looked down on it. If a couple honestly follows their conscience and feels God is calling them to adopt rather than bear their own children, then that is between them and God. Following God's will is always the best thing. The only problem I had with the commenter is they mentioned "an already overpopulated planet." I do not buy into the overpopulation myth at all. I don't believe that a couple should adopt because they don't want to add an extra child to the earth's population. I'm not going to get into that debate, but like I said, if a couple is confident they are following God's will in adopting rather than getting pregnant themselves then I have no room to say anything.

The reason I wrote this post is because I have experienced first-hand negative comments for my husband's and my desire to have a big family and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHILD WE CAN HOLD IN OUR ARMS YET. There are super loving, sweet and very holy women that write amazing blogs and they write about the negative comments they get regarding their family and I just want to reach out and defend them. I don't know these women personally, but they are still my sisters in Christ and no one should feel bad for following God's will.

I probably caused more confusion that clarification! But that's all I gotta say about that!

Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 15: What's Wrong With Wanting a Big Family?

Today I am wondering- why does society have a big problem with married couples using NFP and/or wanting big families? And what makes them think it is acceptable to vocally express their criticism?

I have come across numerous blog posts by women who are negatively judged and criticized for having large families. I have people who are near and dear to me who are also harshly judged for their decision to have more kids than is culturally acceptable. They get snarky remarks from other women in the grocery store or other public place.

"You know what causes that, don't you?"

"Well now you have a girl and a boy, so you can stop!"

"Better you than me."

"Don't you know when to stop?"

"You and your husband are crazy."

"When are you going to get 'fixed'?"

Then there are the comments I hear when the couple who is open to children are not present. Half of the time these are comments from the couple's family.

"I sure hope they slow down."

"I hope they are done."

"I can't believe they are having another one."

"They can't afford having any more children."

"Their house is too small for all those kids."

And I thought family was supposed to be supportive.

When I hear these things I just want to burst out, "Shame on you! Do you really think it is your place to judge their decisions?" When I read other mommy blogs and read of these situations, my Irish-German temper rises up and I. get. MAD.

Last night I was reading Family Foundations, an NFP magazine published by Couple to Couple League and it showcased very holy men who take the heat for using NFP and being open to life. They get some of the same comments as women- "Aren't you done yet?" "About time to get fixed, huh?" This completely shocked me. I'm not surprised that other women make such rude comments. Let's face it gals, we can be pretty snarky and rude to our fellow woman. But I thought men were a little more laid back than that. To see these men get blasted for the choices they and their wives make regarding their own family just blew my mind.

I cannot wrap my head around how people think they can be so rude to other people who have big families or who don't use artificial birth control.

I am by no means a perfect person. I do sin often and judge others. It's one sin I take time and time again to the confessional. There is one thing I do not judge and that is one's family size. I would never in a million years say to a woman with her two kids in line at the grocery store, "Only 2 kids, huh? What, you can't afford any more? You can emotionally handle anymore? You'd rather have that new camper than another child? Isn't it time to have another one?"

Couples have many reasons for their family size. Fertility issues, finances, emotional problems, abuse, family crisis, you name it. God's will isn't for every family to have 8 kids. Some feel called to only have a couple children. I just have issues with those couples who choose to buy a new boat rather than be open to another child. I worked in a nursing home and have had lovely conversations with sweet elderly patients. I never once heard from these patients "I wish I had one less child." It was ALWAYS, "I wish I had more children." Boats and cars and matching furniture only last so long, but the gift of a child lasts forever.

We live in a society of "do what you wanna do" or "do what feels right to you." But that's only if you do what's culturally normal. Not using birth control, being open to God's will for family size, going to church, praying in public, wearing shirts with Christian themes, not wearing slutty, revealing clothes- well you shouldn't really do all that. It's not normal. As long as you do what everyone else does- it's OK. But anything out of the norm- well, it's open for judging and criticizing.

That's probably the answer to my wondering- being open to children isn't normal in today's society. Using God's gift of female fertility to plan a family isn't normal. Being obedient to God's will isn't normal.

Family may judge because they are concerned for the couple's well-being. They worry the couple may struggle financially or not be able to have nice things. Of course the couple should be appreciative of that. I have asked my mom if she thinks we're crazy for using NFP and wanting to have a large family (of course, as I always say, if God wills that.) She says, "You and Ryan are adults and can make your own choices. You love and care for each other and wouldn't rush into any decision that wouldn't be good for you. Most importantly of all, you have God in your relationship, and you can't really ever go wrong if you keep him in your life and a part of your life decisions." Sigh... I love my mommy!

I know someday when I am in the grocery store or library I will get that comment, "Are all these kids yours?!" I hope I am able to be a good witness instead of biting their heads off (or going off and crying....)

This wondering probably doesn't have any good particular answer. It's something I know I will have to deal with in the future. God grant me patience!

Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 14: Baby Names

Today I am wondering: what will we name our son?

We have a general idea but have decided not to make any final decisions until we see our baby in person. Maybe then we will feel confident in our decision.

I have thought of what I would name my future children since I was a child. I kept diaries way back then and I had a list of names. One of them was Miranda Lauren- where I got that name, I have no clue!

Since I've become an adult and family and friends I am close have started having babies I began to seriously consider what I would name our future children. The problem is I love so many names. My mom often says I am going to have to either have 20 children or 20 pets to accommodate all the names I really love.

But now the time has come to really decide what name to use, and it is so much harder than I thought. You'd think that since I like so many names it would be easy- but this is the real deal. This isn't just imagining and daydreaming. What I name this child is what he will be stuck with for the rest of his life. Talk about pressure! :-)

I love traditional/Christian names. That's probably a good thing since I also love using family names. I know some people don't like traditional names because they are so common and/or overused. I don't really buy into that. I could name by boy John or Mike or Bill and he will still be unique. He won't be like all the other Johns, Mikes, and Bills out there- trust me!

I find it so interesting in people's views on naming children. Some people are adamant about NOT using family names. Some insist on unique spellings. Some have certain patterns they follow. I just want my son's name to mean something special. I was named after my grandmother because I was born on her birthday. But in some ways I want to use a first name that is not a family name but use a family name as a middle name (does that make sense?)

I'm not too worried about the baby name game. This child will get a name sooner or later and I know it will fit him perfectly!


Just for fun- do you have any suggestions for our baby boy?

Now I am Really Back!

My costume for our family reunion. The theme was Halloween in July.

After a crazy couple of days I am finally back home! I'm trying to rest since this weekend took a bit of a toll on my very pregnant body! I want to write about so many topics but my mind is still in vacation mode.

I did come back to a lovely surprise- Michelle from Musings of a Catholic Lady gave me an award! Thank you, Michelle! I found Michelle's blog through NFP Works.

The rules for this blog award are:

1. Thank the blogger who gave it to you; (see above)
2. List 7 things that people may not know about you;
3. Pass the love to 15 deserving bloggers (gonna have to amend this one...how about 8?);
4. and let them know that you gave them an award.

7 Things People Might Not Know About Me:

1. I was in a sorority at my first college.

2. My best friend and I started a rumor in high school. We wanted to see how fast a rumor could spread through our small high school. Before second hour we told a few friends that school was getting out early because the pipes had frozen. By 3rd hour the school was all a buzz with excitement that school was getting out early. But 4th hour my friend and I were called to the principal's office. He asked us, "Is there something you know that I don't know?" We confessed our plan and he laughed. He asked us not to do it again. (He loved us!)

3. I played in a soccer league when I was little. I was the only girl and I had a blast!

4. I absolutely HATE butter.

5. I am very gullible. I once told a co-worker this fact about me and he said, "Did you know that the word 'gullible' isn't even in the dictionary?" My eyes bugged out, my jaw dropped and I yelled, "WHAT?!" His response- "Wow. You ARE gullible!"

6. I am a descendant of the Webster guy who created the Webster's Dictionary. (Supposedly)

7. I would LOVE to learn how to surf!

Now to pass on the award! Check out these awesome bloggers!

That Married Couple

Roman Catholic Cop

Reasons for Chocolate

Martin Family Moments

Defend Us in Battle

joy in the morning

Fumbling Toward Grace

There is no wealth but life

Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 13: Tightwad

I have a lot of stuff to do today. Tomorrow we leave for my family reunion- in a tiny town called Tightwad. (Yes, there really is such a town!) My family easily doubles the population of the village. We usually have some sort of theme for our reunions. We've had "The Year of the Chicken", "10 Years in Tightwad", and have celebrated St. Patrick's Day in July and Christmas in July. This year we're going with the holiday spirit and doing Halloween in July! I can't wait to show you my costume! I'm in charge of the activities this year. Hopefully, with being 7 months pregnant and in the middle of moving and unpacking I will have done a decent job with planning.

So my Wondering Wednesday thought for the day- why on earth would you name a town "Tightwad"?

I'm trying to set up a Mr. Linky widget so those who wish to participate in Wondering Wednesday's can be linked. Alas, I can't figure it out and the projects I am supposed to be working on instead of blogging are staring straight at me. So far Joy has posted a Wondering Wednesday. I'll check back in periodically and if anyone else that I see in my reader has also posted a WW, I'll link you here, if you would like!

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and a wonderful weekend!

I'm Back! (For a few days, anyway)

Oh my.

I. am. tired.

This past weekend, thanks to our wonderful parents, we got the rest of our belongings out of our apartment. I have no idea how we accumulated so much stuff in that tiny apartment, but it seemed the more stuff we hauled away, another corner of random items would appear!

Guess what pregnancy "symptom" has kicked in? NESTING! And nesting while you are unpacking and setting up a home is TOUGH. I have huge bursts of energy to get everything in its place, but when there are boxes and boxes and boxes to unpack, a cockroach problem (which means I vacuumed out and sanitized every single cabinet in the kitchen- beyond DISGUSTING!), and cleaning to do, all while 7 months pregnant- well, let's just say my feet looked like bricks with toes attached and my body ached more than it ever has in this pregnancy. I've worked hard, and so far our kitchen, bathroom and bedroom and completely set up and clean. It's coming together nicely!

Today we went over to our apartment to pick up a few cleaning supplies and recheck to make sure we hadn't left anything behind. When we left I got really sad. Despite my rather annoying neighbors, I loved that apartment. It was our first home as a married couple. Where we spent our first Christmas. It was where we conceived and lost our baby Gus. It was where we found out we are expecting our baby boy. I learned to cook in that apartment and it was where I learned to become a homemaker. So many wonderful memories. I know that "home is where the heart is" and I shouldn't be attached to material things. Soon, when we get this house set up we'll be making new memories!

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I had my 30 week doctor's appointment today. I passed my glucose tolerance test and my blood pressure is perfect! He measured my belly and he says that our baby boy is measuring nicely. I told him I was afraid I would have a 12 lb. baby. He then informed me that I would probably have an 8 lb baby! Both Ryan and I were tiny babies, so I was thinking we would conceive a tiny baby as well. I am so naive that I was even thinking that since I'm shorter, that my uterus wouldn't allow for a big baby! (Wishful thinking... I know...) But our baby boy is looking healthy and I am healthy (although I feel like a giant half of the time) so that is wonderful! 10 weeks to go... wow....

Now I have to do the finish touches on plans for our family reunion that takes place this weekend. Soo... I will be taking another bloggy break while I enjoy spending time with family!