Today I am wondering- why does society have a big problem with married couples using NFP and/or wanting big families? And what makes them think it is acceptable to vocally express their criticism?
I have come across numerous blog posts by women who are negatively judged and criticized for having large families. I have people who are near and dear to me who are also harshly judged for their decision to have more kids than is culturally acceptable. They get snarky remarks from other women in the grocery store or other public place.
"You know what causes that, don't you?"
"Well now you have a girl and a boy, so you can stop!"
"Better you than me."
"Don't you know when to stop?"
"You and your husband are crazy."
"When are you going to get 'fixed'?"
Then there are the comments I hear when the couple who is open to children are not present. Half of the time these are comments from the couple's family.
"I sure hope they slow down."
"I hope they are done."
"I can't believe they are having another one."
"They can't afford having any more children."
"Their house is too small for all those kids."
And I thought family was supposed to be supportive.
When I hear these things I just want to burst out, "Shame on you! Do you really think it is your place to judge their decisions?" When I read other mommy blogs and read of these situations, my Irish-German temper rises up and I. get. MAD.
Last night I was reading Family Foundations, an NFP magazine published by Couple to Couple League and it showcased very holy men who take the heat for using NFP and being open to life. They get some of the same comments as women- "Aren't you done yet?" "About time to get fixed, huh?" This completely shocked me. I'm not surprised that other women make such rude comments. Let's face it gals, we can be pretty snarky and rude to our fellow woman. But I thought men were a little more laid back than that. To see these men get blasted for the choices they and their wives make regarding their own family just blew my mind.
I cannot wrap my head around how people think they can be so rude to other people who have big families or who don't use artificial birth control.
I am by no means a perfect person. I do sin often and judge others. It's one sin I take time and time again to the confessional. There is one thing I do not judge and that is one's family size. I would never in a million years say to a woman with her two kids in line at the grocery store, "Only 2 kids, huh? What, you can't afford any more? You can emotionally handle anymore? You'd rather have that new camper than another child? Isn't it time to have another one?"
Couples have many reasons for their family size. Fertility issues, finances, emotional problems, abuse, family crisis, you name it. God's will isn't for every family to have 8 kids. Some feel called to only have a couple children. I just have issues with those couples who choose to buy a new boat rather than be open to another child. I worked in a nursing home and have had lovely conversations with sweet elderly patients. I never once heard from these patients "I wish I had one less child." It was ALWAYS, "I wish I had more children." Boats and cars and matching furniture only last so long, but the gift of a child lasts forever.
We live in a society of "do what you wanna do" or "do what feels right to you." But that's only if you do what's culturally normal. Not using birth control, being open to God's will for family size, going to church, praying in public, wearing shirts with Christian themes, not wearing slutty, revealing clothes- well you shouldn't really do all that. It's not normal. As long as you do what everyone else does- it's OK. But anything out of the norm- well, it's open for judging and criticizing.
That's probably the answer to my wondering- being open to children isn't normal in today's society. Using God's gift of female fertility to plan a family isn't normal. Being obedient to God's will isn't normal.
Family may judge because they are concerned for the couple's well-being. They worry the couple may struggle financially or not be able to have nice things. Of course the couple should be appreciative of that. I have asked my mom if she thinks we're crazy for using NFP and wanting to have a large family (of course, as I always say, if God wills that.) She says, "You and Ryan are adults and can make your own choices. You love and care for each other and wouldn't rush into any decision that wouldn't be good for you. Most importantly of all, you have God in your relationship, and you can't really ever go wrong if you keep him in your life and a part of your life decisions." Sigh... I love my mommy!
I know someday when I am in the grocery store or library I will get that comment, "Are all these kids yours?!" I hope I am able to be a good witness instead of biting their heads off (or going off and crying....)
This wondering probably doesn't have any good particular answer. It's something I know I will have to deal with in the future. God grant me patience!
21 comments:
I think you nailed it on the head when you said, "Being obedient to God's will isn't normal." Not in our broken down heathen culture. BUT, the natural law is written on the hearts of every person, and I think part of the anger at people who have large families is misdirected pangs of conscience from those who have ignored (through conscious choice or conditioning) the natural law that *is* written on their hearts.
Also, some people are just jerks. :)
After reading this article I think that the next time I get nasty comments on the size of my family I am going to respond "I don't have to justify my child's existance to you".
We're about to have 4 kids ages 4 and under. (our fourth is due this October) We get a lot of negative comments! It's horrible to have to hear these things especially when they come from family members. Comments like that drive me crazy! And it's amazing some of the things people will say to you when you're pregnant. They should know better, I think. It makes me super mad, upset and sad all at the same time. In the end though it has the opposite effect of what they had in mind - it just makes me want to have more kids! The main comment this time around has been "well, since you'll have 2 girls and 2 boys I guess you can stop". Very irritating! I've been trying not to freak out when people say this and simply say "we'll see". It's tough though, let me tell you!
Sorry that turned into such a rant. That's quite a sore spot.
PS -- I did a wondering wednesday post too! You inspired me. :)
i often wonder if "good Catholics" will look at us and think bad things about us because we don't have kids yet, just like non-Catholics (and sometimes Catholics too) look at big families and think bad things too. i would love love love one day to answer "YES" to the question "Are these all yours?"
I'd encourage you to say something next time you hear a comment like this! Even if its a non-confrontational comment, but just a comment about how patient, loving the parents must be. Any little comment I'm sure helps! We have a lot of ground to catch up on!
Also, I do love the "Being obedient to God's will isn't normal" comment as well. Too true.
I don't have a good answer. It is like the 'Mommy War' stuff, I don't understand why we feel the need to hate on each other.
I want people to understand that children need love, care and attention, beyond that the size of your family is between you and God.
My friend (I have linked to her in my blog before) gave me some great idea today. I was bandying about what I might ever do if I were blessed with a 5th child since I am kind of scared to hear all the comments *this* time around since I now have a boy and people will think or even say..."WHAT THE HECK are you are your husband doing??"
She said to say something along the lines (with the most relaxed and happy expression I have ever put on my face)
My husband is fantastic.
Family is very important to us.
Should we ever need family counseling, we'll be sure to call you, but until then, you might want to MYOB.
or something like that. Maybe she didn't tack on the MYOB thing. :)
Our culture does think it odd to actually WANT "all those kids"...but I gotta tell ya, I'm in love with every single one of mine... :)
Sarah- I think YOU hit the nail on the head with the whole natural law thing. I wanted to allude to that in my post, but me, being the chicken that I am, didn't want to "offend" anyone!
Alison- I once read where a very devout Catholic couple who hadn't had children were vocally judged by a "good Catholic" for not having kids. I couldn't believe that! It's shocking where negative criticism can come from!
amen! We really struggle with this. We had 2 girls in a 12 month period - it was God's plan for sure! Now, our youngest is 20 months and we are not pregnant yet. I am getting sooo bothered by people (family) who say things like - "ha! Learned your lesson huh?" Like they knew all along that we were crazy and thank God we finally got it. In reality, we have lost a baby since the birth of our youngest and are now TTC again - but of course, it is God's will! It is hard that we feel like the news of another baby would be disappointing to some. In fact, we know some were releaved when we lost our baby. So sad. But, we are blessed to have our faith and brothers and sisters in Christ to walk this journey with us! You will be a great mama, and I pray the Lord blesses you with many children! - Holly
PS - check out my essay, Avoiding Sin in Sin City - in that Family Foundations magazine of yours :)
So true!
Maggie~ This is so beautifully written and awe-inspiring for me, a mom who is 41, hearing it from a younger woman as yourself! I love it and thank God to hear it from you.
Your mom could not have said it any better. Thank God for her as well!
A funny comment I heard as a comeback...my girlfriend's husband had gotten sick to death of hearing about NFP especially when his 6th child was born last summer. So this was his comment...warning...may be a smidge graffic for some :)
"Do you know what causes that?!"
Him: "Yes. I like it and my wife says I'm good at it!"
Had to share...LOL
Your mom is great! I completely agree with you on not being able to understand rude comments. They are something of the norm for me (and my dad always treated them as a grand joke- when he was with 1-3 of us in the store and ran into a stranger with 5 he'd give them one of the standard remarks before admitting that he was teasing and actually had twice as many children). Yet I still don't get how people can think that they make sense in typical polite conversation!
You are so right that we never know the full story behind someone's family size. And I think that someday if you get the "area all these kids yours?!" comment you should just smile and say "yes" proudly. Because more than half the time it is meant with innocent wonderment/shock and if you respond positively people may start gushing about how amazing you are, how they always wanted more, or how their great aunt's second cousin's dog's first owner had 26 children and they were always so jealous.
I'm sure that you'll answer with style when the time comes!
I loved reading your rant, Maggie! :) I've thought the same things. Part of me just can't wait until we (hopefully) have several children and get comments like that, so I can respond with a smile and hopefully be a positive witness out there.
That said, I have to be careful because I know that I have such a tendency towards pride, and sometimes I think that could be an occasion towards it? Also, I have to confess that I really have had to work on my judging other people's family sizes, when they're small. Especially if I'm sitting in mass and all I see are families with two kids. But I'm prayerfully trying to remember that I know nothing about them and the proper response is love.
Oh yes, and I agree on the whole "everything is okay as long as it's normal" thing! And Sarah's comment above is great!
You're writing a great blog - keep it up! I'm a mom of 2 kids (right now), but I have to say the best discussion on family size I've read has been in the Popcack's book "Parenting with Grace." A new one came out...an awesome book for Catholic families!
This was such a wonderful post. My husband and I deal with this quite often, mostly from our family. We have three children now, and I know we want at least that many more if it's God's will. Thank you so much for brining this out in the open!
My daughter deals with a different quip-- why only one? two or more would be so much more fun!
Miscarriage after miscarriage. My heart breaks for her and her husband. They wanted to have a very large family- as many as God provided. So far- that would be one.
I hope you have as many as God provides. There is nothing more joyful than a child.
But what about those who feel called to have no children? Are you as understanding of couples who feel God has called them to adopt rather than add to an already overpopulated planet? You do not address these couples in your blog, only those that feel called to only have "a couple" of children. If you do not feel the same understanding towards these couples as you would choose for yourself, then you seem to be no better than those who judge you for having too many children. I would strongly encourage you to either edit this post to include such couples, or write a new blog post addressing that aspect.
Maggie, you are my sister from another mother :) Of course, I agree with everything you said, and I think that a lot of negative comments are made out of jealousy. Like, how come she can handle 4 kids, and I struggle with only one? Or why do I feel kids are a burden, and she thinks they are a blessing? I hope I can give a positive reaction when I get faced with this in the future, because in the past, I just got mad.
As to the anonymous comment above regarding couples who adopt...what a beautiful thing to adopt children into a loving home!! I hope nobody would judge you for doing that. I think Maggie's point is that as a Catholic couple married in the Catholic church...we PROMISE to God to lovingly and willingly accept children. SO using any kind of artificial contraception to purposefully reject a child is wrong. And even using NFP to NEVER have a biological child would be wrong since NFP is only supposed to be used in grave situations. Just because the end is good (adopting children) doesn't mean the means used to get there (preventing any children of your own) is acceptable. That is the Catholic viewpoint, and the one (I believe) that Maggie was trying to make :)
I applaud this post, and large families. However, as one from the 'other side' of having 'only' one child, I get sick and tired of hearing: "Time for another one!" "One more and then you're done, right?" "Oh is he your only? He must be so lonely." "It would be fun for him to have a brother or sister." These are all comments I have heard since I lost a child in utero, having only been blessed with 2 pregnancies so far; they are painful, hard and heartbreaking and I almost have lost it several times in public. I sit in church and look at larger families and hope they are not judging my small family. I cannot believe how callow our society is about family size and how everyone must have 2 children and that's it. I yearn for the day I can say proudly "Yes they are all mine." For now though I look for a witty yet non threatening way to explain to the public why I have 'only' one child, who is three and the love of my life. Thanks for the thoughts. . .
As a mom of 7, I really love this post!
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