33 weeks todayI try and keep it light and funny, and occasionally spunky here at From the Heart. No such luck today... sorry folks.
No wondering Wednesday post today. Actually, if I'm wondering anything, it's when this spiritual dry spell will end. I wouldn't even call it a spiritual dry spell... I feel completely drained of anything spiritual.
I have been so tired lately. I'm sure part of the reason is being so pregnant, but I feel it is much more than that. The other day I was so tired I didn't have enough energy to go brush my teeth. I was so desperate to rid myself of that nasty morning breath/cereal/orange juice taste in my mouth, but I when I would stand up, a wave of exhaustion would crash over me like a tidal wave. All I did was crawl on the couch where my husband was sitting and sob in his lap. There he was, gently holding his pitiful wife who had bad breath, a desperate need to shave her legs and was due to put some deodorant on.
Yesterday was a horrible day. It started out by reading a beautifully written blog post from Femininity Revisited. She wrote that her dreams of being a stay at home mother were literally too late to be fulfilled. The post broke my heart and of course I bawled my little eyes out. I felt so bad for her, but also was afraid that her dilemma could be my fate. As much negative criticism I get for wanting to be a SAHM and have more than 2 kids, I get a lot of positive feedback as well (mostly from you lovely folks in the blogosphere.) "You can do it! Trust God! Budget well! If we can do it, you can do it!" Unfortunately at this point I have this big fear that we won't be able to manage it. Maybe it isn't God's plan for me to stay at home. But I have the strongest pull and desire to be a SAHM. It isn't because it's what other people do or because I'm lazy and don't want to work or because I want to be one of those crazy, smothering mothers who end up having spoiled children. I feel it in my heart.
Yesterday I received some pretty crappy financial news. I'm surprised I didn't bawl on the phone with the lady who delivered this news, but I sure did after I hung up. I crawled into the fetal position and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. It wasn't just because of this news- it was a combination of feeling alone and worrying about the future. I literally was crying out to God to help us. (Ryan was at the store. My dog was looking at me with confused eyes.) I was sobbing so hard I started having a panic attack. I could feel the hyperventilating coming on and as I was gasping for breath while tears were streaming in my mouth I remembered that if I wasn't getting oxygen, my baby wasn't getting oxygen. I grabbed my belly and took deep breaths. "I gotta calm down for the baby" was something I repeated over and over again. Miraculously, my panic attack quickly subsided- almost instantaneously, and for those who have been around me when I've had an attack know that it usually takes a long long time to calm me down. It's amazing what one can do for someone they love so much.
I've been meaning to write a post on depression during pregnancy but haven't gotten around to it. But I know the difference between depression and spiritual emptiness. I still love being pregnant. Sure it's getting harder to move around and sleeping at night is practically impossible, but when people keep saying to me, "I bet you're ready for this pregnancy to be over with!" I only agree because I am ready to see my son in person. But I still love looking and rubbing my growing belly. I love feeling the nudges and rolls and the way my stomach moves when he's doing the rumba in there. I love pressing down on the hard parts of my belly (maybe a foot? or his head?) and knowing that I'm just a couple inches away from touching my child. I know I am tired because of this growing baby (he's over 17 inches long now!) and maybe that is causing this spiritual dry spell. I feel like I'm in a very deep pit. I look up and see God way up there, out of the pit. I know he's there. I know I can get to him. I just have no mental or physical energy to use the ladder right next to me to climb out of the pit.
I know God doesn't get annoyed, but if he did, he sure would be annoyed with me. Last night while praying I said, "I'm sure I'm driving you nuts, Lord. When I need you the most I run to you and cling to you. But when things are going OK, I put you on the back-burner." I think I'm going to start a novena or dig through my book shelf to find my In Conversation with God devotional. I have no energy to do so, but I will power through.
17 comments:
Couple things:
1. http://www.aquinasandmore.com/catholic-books/Happy-Are-You-Poor/sku/2119
2.
I would love for you to hear the discussions we have around here about SAHM & WAHMs. It is sooo frustrating to see someone that is obviously trying to do the right thing get pulled by people that "love" her into a culture of sin.
3.
If you knew me, you would know how UNFATHOMABLE #1 & #2 are, in terms of ME ESPOUSING such views. Listen to your heart.
Itis very very hard to look at the future and not know what will happen, especially when our dreams mean so much to us. I am able to be a stay at home mom right now, but looking into the future and the career change it brings, makes that uncertain. Although putting all my little ones in day care would cost more than I am able to make at a job, what happens when you truly can't live on one income?
Yes, budgeting and can do wonders, but sometimes there are still more bills than there is money coming in. Some of the things we've considered:
I could work from home, still not sure how that one would work, but its an idea.
I could get a part time job, on a shift that is timed when my hubby is around to watch the kids.
But in the end the biggest thing I've learned regardless of whether I end up working full-time or not, is to make the most of every moment you DO have with your babies. Live in the moment.
Hugs, I know how exhausting the last couple of months can be and how elusive sleep can be; rest when you can and let those who care for you, care for you.
Spiritually, I agree to try and keep doing a little everyday ~ God does honor the trying. If you want check out '3 minute retreats' there is a link on the side of my blog.
Also perhaps you can seek part if not all of the dream, we have been able for me to work part-time all of E.'s life.
You poor thing! There are so many things I wish I could write...but not enough room.
1. I truly believe it is perfectly normal and okay to say...enough! I'm tired of feeling this pregnant. I want my body back. Now, not that you would do anything to start premature labor LOL, but feeling what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I use to joke and say to my hubby, "The lease is up. The baby needs to come soon. I want my body back." Body back in the sense...to breathe normally, to bend over and tie my shoe, to sleep more comfortably.
You do not know what God's plans are for you and your future. Do not worry about them now. You cannot control all those things. For now, rest, as much as possible and just be.
Just saying "Jesus, I love," is a prayer. God knows what is on your mind and heart.
I have a devotion to the Sacred Heart. You can look it up on line. It completely and utterly fills you with peace if you allow it to. You must let go and completely trust in Jesus.
With that said, a glass of wine won't hurt you nor the baby at this point. (Sorry for those of you who I just shocked by saying that.) LOL
I'll add you to our prayer list!
P.S. YOu make an absolutely beautiful pregnant woman!!!!
I have no idea about the pregnancy part, but the bad financial news and sobbing in a husbands lap - that I do understand. Praying for peace and contentment for you during these last weeks of your pregnancy.
Maggie,
I just found your blog from Joe @ Defend Us In Battle. Thank you for sharing the angst of the decision to be a SAHM. I assure you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We face the same comments everyday about our decision to do it in anticipation of the family we hope will start growing soon. We still struggle sometimes as we look left and right at "the Jones'" in our lives, especially the ones we call friends, instead of at Christ. I hope that you can take some solace in knowing that we are praying for you and as we all struggle through this "soft persecution" of worldly (lack of) wisdom and societal expectations. How to do it sometimes seems like we're being called to walk on water, but the words of Christ in response to Peter's fear of doing the same strike a deeper and deeper chord with each reading: "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid" (Matthew 14:27).
I really wish I had something wonderfully wise and helpful to say. I don't. I can tell you that I really appreciate your honesty in sharing what you're going through right now. I can also tell you that I'm going to Mass this morning, so I will be praying for you. You aren't alone!
Oh Maggie, I feel you are living my life...I am just a few years and kids ahead of you!
I know I've told you before, but God does provide, as long as we trust Him. I still worry even though I've had soooo much proof of his help. I will have to write a post about this soon.
Have you tried any of the help that might be available to you? WIC, Food Stamps, housing help...I don't know your exact financial situation, but if you can qualify for anything, you should take advantage...that's why it's there.
Being a SAHM was wonderful while it lasted, but after 3 kids I was forced to go back to work part-time. I did do things ahile I was a SAHM to make some money - babysat, tutored, and did bookkeeping. Babysitting is probably your best bet since you will already be home with a baby. I also worked at night during tax season at H&R Block so that my hubby was home with the kids. It's a constant struggle, but such is life.
Good luck and ((HUGS))!!
Sending hugs and prayers your way. And just remember what my husband always tells me when I am down: "Everything's going to be OK"
I don't know why, but I always believe him, and he's always been right!
I'm saying a rosary for you tonight! All I can say is that not very long ago, I found myself in a gut wrenching financial position, and God, somehow, saw me through the worst of it. I'm praying for you!!
(Can I just say that 48 days and counting?!! I'm so excited for you to meet your baby!! You are glowing and beautiful!)
Honestly, the exhasution is your body's way of telling you to rest, drink fluids, eat, and take it slow. You're carrying a HUGE little person, adn especially in this heat? Sleep. Rest. Hydrate. It's OK to be exhausted. You're in your third trimester!
As for the uncertainty, bad news, etc... it's worse now than it will be in 7 weeks. At the end of pregancy, everything seems bigger. It's OK.
The two prayers that always help me at the end: The Angelus and the Guardian Angel prayer-- to my Baby's angel...
You will get through this and it will be better soon. For now, rest. Your exhaustion IS a sign from God-- a sign that he wants you to rest and build a big baby right now!
I'll pray for you....
Hang in there, you're almost home.
My grandmother used to say, "Somehow, the bills always get paid." and they did. She raised nine children.
My parents would say this and even when the house flooded, not once, not twice but three times, somehow, the bills got paid and we survived even taking on two cousins and an aunt and another uncle and a grandmother all of whom needed care. The bills always got paid.
So when my husband and I have faced bleak economic times and uncertainty, no amount of budgeting covers all that happens in life, car accidents, children, hospital stays, there is always something and usually, we feel like there is never enough. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, it's hard not to when every moment of your life is right now working and devoted to preserving and growing another. It is exhausting even absent the cares of the world.
But I will tell you that we have prayed and worked and hoped for mana in the desert as we faced our 7th, 8th, 9th and now 10th child, and lo, there has been something from somewhere; a writing job, an unexpected windfall, an overpayment, a scholarship.
March on. God will provide. Cling to your husband and pray together because you and he and your family are worth a whole world of sparrows and lillies and God cares for them, He will care for you.
Prayers for you and your family.
I know the call of being a SAHM. I remember when it struck me so solidly that it was done. There are moments when it is just hard, but I know, these are mere moments, and by being home, there are millions of moments that aren't hard.
I think your decision/desire to be a SAHM is beautiful. I agree though it is something we are called constantly to defend in our society. How many times have I heard, "When is he (3 year old) going to school? When are you going back to work?" etc and I'm afraid I always have a lame response. SAHM are needed desparately in our society and you will be fulfilled in your role, I assure you (not doubt free but fulfilled.)
I hope the next few weeks go well and that you feel better soon...God bless and enjoy reading your blog. . .
This one helped:
http://ebeth.typepad.com/reallearning/2006/09/saint_francis_d.html
Maybe it will help give you some perspective, or solace, or encouragement.
Dear Maggie,
Bless your heart!
I have to agree with the grandmother quoted above; somehow the bills do get paid. And my grandmother always used to say, "With every baby comes a blessing." She was talking about financial blessings--particularly job things. And--nine babies later--I can look at our own history and see that she was completely correct. Every.single.time.
Pregnancy brings us to our knees. If we let Him, God works mighty wonders in a pregnant woman's soul, unlike any other time in her life. It was the pregnancy where I didn't struggle spiritually that was actually the one that was the greatest spiritual burden in the long run. While it feels scary and you feel alone (except for the tiny dancer in your belly), God is very very near when you are cooperating to bring new life into the world. When it all seems like too much to bear? That's the Holy Spirit's greatest hour. Curl up in the fetal position and pray the psalms. Listen to hymns. Don't think. Don't even talk to God. Just listen. God wants you to be desperate for Him. You're there. Now let Him lift you.
I'm praying for you!
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement! I am so blessed to be a part of a great blogging community!
Hey - I gave up candy bars and never bought clothes to stay home and in the long run it is cheaper to be the main influence in your childrens' lives. Especially now. the only thing I would change would be to have more children.
I know a working mom with one child who was giving her fits until a family with a boatload of cousins moved to town. They are one happy, working bunch and have changed her life and her child's life. STAY WITH IT DRIVE THE OLD CAR WALK GO WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING AND MAJOR APPLIANCES THEY CANNOT LOVE YOU BACK AND NO ONE IN YOUR LIFE WILL LOVE YOU THE WAY YOUR NEWBORN DOES EVER EXCEPT GOD
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