Rejection Letter

Yesterday I took a nap with Joe and Sam. I dreamed of going to dinner for my father-in-law's birthday and telling him I received my acceptance letter packet for nursing school. When I woke up I checked the mail and there was a letter in the mail addressed to me from the nursing division of the school where I applied. I immediately knew that since it was a letter and not a big packet that it was a rejection letter. But I still clung on to hope that maybe... just maybe... it was a letter informing me I was on the waiting list. I was in the middle of praying my 3rd novena. This one was to St. Jude... patron saint of impossible and desperate cases. Maybe I should have started with him. Miracles happen, right?

I opened the letter and immediately saw the word "rejected." I took a deep breath and told myself that the whole time I've been praying I've said I wanted God's will to be done. The rejection was for my math grade, which I had figured would be the reason for not getting in. I explain it a little bit in this blog post. I wasn't completely caught off guard, but it still hurt. A lot. A freaking butt load. And I'm still hurting and moping today. I'm eating candy corn by the hand fulls and listening to Christmas music on Pandora. Yes, for real.

It is what it is. I didn't get the required score. This has definitely taught me a lot of humility. I felt pretty confident about my prerequite grades and felt I had a good chance at getting in. I thought that my grades from Benedictine would help me get in. I thought I was pretty hot stuff for going to school while raising two kids. Who needs math?! I can slip by that little thing, right? Well, it turns out that isn't the case. I'm sure there are many other women out there who are raising their kids and working full time AND taking all the required classes to get in. I don't deserve any special favors.

I plan on reapplying in January and also to another program to get my Bachelors of Science in Nursing (BSN) instead of my associates degree. The tide is turning in healthcare where many places only want to hire BSNs rather than RNs. But this BSN program is even more competitive than the program I applied to so I'm anxious. But maybe this rejection is God's way of having me apply for this higher program and things will work out better in the long run. But what if they don't?

I'm upset because I worked SO hard to get into nursing school. Ryan sacrificed so much these past eight months so I could do homework and get good grades. It KILLS me to hear Joe banging on the door wanting me to come play when I'm locked in our bedroom doing homework. We had everything carefully planned out... including a timeline regarding adding to our family. Now everything is messed up.  

I'm more upset about God not answering my prayers. I know that sounds SO childish of me. And it IS childish of me. I remember praying and praying and praying to have a VBAC. I didn't get one so I figured it was God's will. Perhaps if I would have tried Sam and I could have experienced some grave complication. But seriously... God created the universe out of nothing. He raised dead people from the grave. Couldn't he just throw me a bone and let my body work the way it is supposed to? Couldn't he have thrown me a bone and let me get into nursing school?

I was dead tired last night but could not sleep worth a damn. I laid in bed and Googled different schools and job opportunities and was getting very frustrated. I started praying... and this is kind of how it went..

"God. Why? Why do I always feel like your my dad and I'm a little kid tugging on your shirt asking for something, but you are too busy paying attention to your other kids? Why does everything seem so chaotic? I just want stability. I want to glorify you, but you are making it hard. Why are there some families out there that have no difficulties... they are buying houses, having babies whenever they want, getting good jobs, having close family and friend relationships and some of us are left out here in the crapper? Why are there some people who are so in fire in love with you and there's people like me who want so desparately to be close to you and you ignore them? Why won't you bless me and my family?"

Then I looked over and saw Ryan, Joe and Sam all cuddled together. Their soft breathing was almost in unison. I had a roof over my head and clothes on my back. There's food in the fridge. Just a few hours earlier we had a wonderful dinner with Ryan's family celebrating my father in law's birthday. I listened... all I could hear was the roaring sound of cicadas and an occasional car drive by. Somewhere across the ocean, in Syria perhaps, there is a mother holding her babies while they hear the sound of gunfire and bombs, not knowing if they'll survive the night. Somewhere, maybe even a few miles from me in a hospital, a mother is holding her toddler who is dying of cancer. Somewhere, 12 years ago, there was a son holding his mother after learning her husband died in the World Trade Center attacks. And here I was complaining that I didn't get into nursing school. Gah... how spoiled and selfish am I?

So I'll mope for a few days because that's what I'm really good at. Then I will start to figure out my next step. But God, you gotta help me out here because I really don't know what to do!

And of course as I am editing this Joe is watching Joseph King of Dreams and the song You Know Better than I is on. Crying.

You know better than I

You know the way

I've let go the need to know why

For you know better than I