Guess What Joe Did?!

In Joe's baby book there is a spot to write down how old he is when he first sleeps through the night. It's listed with other early infancy milestones such as "When baby first holds up head" and "First smiles." I have everything written down in that early infancy milestone page except the "sleeping through the night" spot. I figured I'd have to wait until Joe was five years old before I could write anything down there.

Joe has never slept thought the night. I see facebook statuses of one month old babies sleeping through the night and I always wonder if I will ever get to see that day (or night, I should say.) There was a couple weeks that he would sleep in his crib all night, as opposed to sleeping with me, but he would still wake up about three or four times to nurse or need comfort.

The past month or so Joe has switched up his sleeping schedule. He'll go to sleep in his crib around 7:00, and I would usually bring him into bed with me at his first waking to nurse him. He'd usually fall asleep all cuddled next to me. He doesn't really like to do that anymore. I'll nurse him and he'll start freaking out until I put him back in his crib and he'll drift off to sleep. I still have to get up a few times to nurse him. Then he usually is awake at 6:30 ready to go play, and I can usually get him to go back to sleep for a little bit longer, but it's sometimes a challenge.

These past few weeks Joe has been perpetually fussy. His molars are coming in... Those evil, evil molars. Joe has never really had a problem with teething until now. The only thing that helps is Advil. He doesn't like teething toys or cold washcloths. He is skipping his naps and getting up a lot more at night and it's just been plain rough.

Last night was horrible. He woke up around 11:15 screaming and arching his back. He wouldn't nurse. He wouldn't take a binky. We had give him Advil about 2 hours before. We took his temp and he didn't have a fever or even a slightly high temperature. Holding him wasn't helping. We tried to put some teething tablets under his tongue but he'd push them out. I finally dissolved them in water and rubbed them on his gums and that didn't seem to work. I put him in his crib because I thought maybe he just didn't want to be around us. He still screamed, but after a few minutes he calmed down and went to sleep.

I was preparing for a disastrous night of no sleep. I had to babysit the next morning, and the little baby girl I watch is also teething, so I was really dreading the coming hours. I went to bed as soon as he drifted off- probably around midnight. Usually when I 'm nervous about him waking up a lot I can't sleep, but I must have been more tired than I thought because I fell asleep rather quickly.

Joe started screaming and crying. I put on my glasses and looked at the clock, figuring it would be about 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning since that is when he usually wakes up next. It was 6:00!!! I could barely believe my eyes! Did we actually get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep?! I racked my brain... surely I got up once during the night. But no, I'm usually good at remembering stuff like that. Did he cry and I sleep through it? He is in the same room as me and his cries can get pretty loud, so I doubted I slept through.

I brought him into bed to nurse and he nursed for a long time, so that must mean it was awhile since I last fed him. I figured he'd be ready to party, but we both fell back asleep, cuddled nose to nose and when he woke up again it was 8:30!

I think technically a baby "sleeping through the night" means the baby gets 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Well, he definitely did last night! You have NO idea how excited I am!

Will this last? Oh dear Lord in Heaven, I hope so! Joe is growing and changing. He is right now boycotting his morning nap. I can see him on the baby video monitor just chilling with his stuffed animals. He isn't crying, so I'm leaving him in there for awhile so he can just relax.

Joe slept through the night!!! Huzzah!!!

Weekend Recap.. a few days late!

I had a big post ready to recap our very busy weekend. I uploaded a bunch of photos on here in what I THOUGHT was chronological order, but when they appeared on this page they were all out of order. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Anywho, here's a small recap of Joe's party weekend:

We had a small family party on his actual birthday which was Friday. He had a cupcake and really seemed to enjoy it!

This is Joe on his big party day with his own cake. He really seemed to like this as well!

A family snapshot after the party!

Our weekend was super busy! On Friday after the little party we went to the Kansas City Irish Fest. I enjoyed some nice tall cups of beer there! It's been awhile since I've had a few!

Saturday we had a family wedding and we had a great time!

Sunday was Joe's big party. It was wonderful! Joe LOVES Sesame Street so that was the party theme and I did not hold back in decorating. Party City has TONS of super cute 1st birthday Sesame Street themed decorations so I went hog-wild. At least I didn't buy a life-size stand up Elmo balloon like my hubby did! Joe was awesome during the party! Since Joe doesn't eat table food yet I was worried he wouldn't be interested in the cake. Boy, did he prove me wrong!

On Monday the weather was PERFECT so we took Joe on his first trip to the zoo! It was kind of crowded, but we had a good time. Joe was terrified of the llamas and the birds, but loved the elephants and hippos!

This weekend was so busy but so wonderful! All the eating and drinking caught up with me, however; I gained 0.6 of a lb at Weight Watchers tonight. I was actually pleased because I thought I would have gained a lot more! Only 4 more lbs now to my goal weight!

Hopefully I get Blogger figured out someday. I still don't know how to schedule my posts or put photos in order or hyperlink photos. Oh well!

Hope your weekend was fantastic!

7 Quick Takes: How My Son has Changed My Life

It has been quite a while since I’ve done a Quick Takes Friday. Visit the lovely Jen for more!

*****

A year ago today, at 8:52 a.m., my son entered the world. He came to us in ways unexpected, and even though I had a hard time adjusting to motherhood, he has changed my life for the better. He has brought so much joy to my life that I cannot imagine my life without him.

Here are seven ways my Baby Joe has changed my life.

1. It is actually possible to survive on little sleep.

This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but, before Joe was born I would sometimes sleep in until 1:00 in the afternoon! I can’t believe how slothful I was! I was easily getting about 10-12 hours of sleep. If you cut that down the recommended 8 hours you had better watch out. I was evil when I was tired. Pure evil. I was the crankiest person you’d ever met. And if I was tired AND hungry, well, it was pretty much game over.

Since Joe has NEVER slept through the night I can say that I have not gotten a full night’s sleep since September 2, 2010. The first few weeks were brutal. I was so tired that I felt my eyeballs were screaming, “PLEASE COVER US UP! WE’RE TIRED OF SEEING THE LIGHT!” If you would have put a zombie next to me we pretty much would have looked the same; I just wouldn’t be lumbering after you to eat your brains.

I’ve gotten used to running on only a few hours of sleep. I know it’s not always healthy to not get enough rest, but I do try and nap when Joe takes his morning nap. That has helped tremendously.

I’m not going to say that nighttime parenting has made me a better person. There are times that I just want to let Joe keep crying in his crib and move to Mexico where surely I won’t be able to hear his shrieking cries. My frustrations rise and just when they are about to hit the boiling point (the point to which I tell my husband to take him and I go scream into a pillow) he settles down and nestles next to me in bed. He has actually gotten into this habit of not always wanting to co-sleep with me. Sometimes nothing I do will calm him down until I place him back into his crib and he’ll fall right back to sleep. Other times he has to be near me and nothing else will do.

Yes, I have survived on little sleep. I can do it. If I wouldn’t have been able to, well… let’s just say no one would probably ever want to be near me. So far I haven’t scared off too many people.

2. I totally get the multiple baby photos and videos on facebook now.

I’ve always loved babies and children. However, I really wasn’t interested in seeing 196 photos of your kid in the snow or a video of him eating spaghetti. That has changed. I love putting up pictures of Joe on facebook. Some of them are practically the same pose, but they are all just so dang adorable that I can’t just pick ONE. So you get to see them all! Lucky you! And the nearly four minute video of Joe eating watermelon? You have to watch it all. Not just part of it, ALL of it, because it is full of angelic adorable-ness and if you don’t watch it you have no soul.

3. I have a lot more empathy and sympathy toward other parents and their struggles and heartbreaks.

Before Joe was born and I would hear on the news about a toddler drowning in a pool or a baby who has cancer, I would be sad, but that would usually be the extent of my feelings. Now I can barely even stand to hear stories like this. I remember after the Joplin, MO tornado there was a report of a 16 month old who had been ripped from mother and father’s arms. He did not survive and it took them a few days to find his body. When I heard that story I was sick to my stomach. I can’t even imagine having your baby ripped from your arms and him being exposed to the elements after he had died. Whenever the news would bring up this story I just had to turn it off. I couldn’t bear to hear it again.

If any news story comes on regarding a child being abused or harmed or sick I just can’t watch it. Because I look at my son and my heart breaks to even think about him being in pain.

I had a college professor whose premature son died moments after he was born. My professor was able to baptize him before he took his last breath. When I read this on a friend’s status I bawled. I don’t like to see other parents in pain over their children.

Before Joe was born these stories would make me said. Now they break my heart because I don’t know how I could carry on if something tragic were to happen to Joe.

I also empathize with pregnant women who have pre-eclampsia or who have had a birth experience they didn’t except. And those new parents who have babies younger than me and are struggling with the first signs of teething or projectile vomit- oy, I’ve been there done that and I feel your pain. Before Joe was born I thought teething was no big thing. That changed BIG time!

4. Joe has taught me to live in the moment.

“The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.”

I came across this quote on a friend’s Facebook status. Babies don’t keep. That is so true. Just a year ago today I was holding this tiny helpless little being in my arms. Now as I type this he is bursting into toddlerhood with the energy of a cocaine addict. He is wanting his independence from me and that makes me a little sad.

I have a tendency to be nostalgic. I look back and cherish the good memories I’ve experienced. High school football games and pep rallies. Late night study sessions in the college library. Random road trips with my hubby when we first got married. Even when I think about some not so fun memories I try and remember the lessons I’ve learned from them (Lesson learned: Getting wasted after a breakup and dressing up like a hoochie mama won’t make things better.)

I also am very impatient for the future. I can’t wait until Joe starts walking and talking. What is he going to look like with a head-full of hair? What is he going to look like when he is sixteen? How many more children are we going to have? I can’t wait for Christmas mornings with lots of excited children running about and wrapping paper and bows everywhere and yummy food on the table.

Too many times I have one eye looking in the past and one eye looking to the future. I forget to live in the moment. I forget to enjoy what is right in front of my face. If I spend too much time looking forward to the future I’m going to miss these precious moments that are so fleeting. I practically have to remind myself everyday to enjoy the moment. Last night after Joe’s bath I spent a good five minutes smelling his head and soaking up that baby shampoo goodness. Someday his head might not smell so good. I’m thinking those teenage years when he thinks showers are of the devil and I’ll be begging him to put on deodorant.

5. Joe has helped me to fall even more in love with my husband and to be a better wife.

Everywhere I go people always say, “Oh, your baby looks just like his daddy!” I just love hearing those words. Joe does look an awful lot like his dad even though there are some days where he looks just like me. Just depends on the angle. When I look at Joe I sometimes sit back and marvel at God’s wonderful plan of procreation. Joe is a part of me and a part of my husband. When I see those moments where Ryan shows through Joe’s personality I just fall even more in love with my husband. I didn’t even think that was possible.

Our marriage has definitely changed with the addition of Joe. Our love overflows from each other down to our child. Joe is the greatest blessing to our marriage, but I don’t want to neglect my duties as a wife. Before Joe was born it was easy to just be the wife and not strive to be the best wife I can possibly be to my husband. But since our son has arrived I now make an extra effort to be the best helpmate I can be to my husband.

6. I don’t have to be perfect.

I’ve always struggled with being a perfectionist. Everything has to be just right. I have to check off everything on my to-do list. Certain things need to be in place before I can start on another task. I have a big list of stuff to do before Joe’s birthday party, including finishing up this post. I told myself I could type here and there while he played. But then I realized how ridiculous this thinking was. Who cares if I get this post up or not? I’d rather be playing with my son, cuddling with him and laughing and being a goof ball. I shouldn’t have this attitude just because it is his birthday. I should have this thinking all the time. I can blog when he naps. (Right now he is supposed to be napping but I can see in the video baby monitor that he is throwing his stuffed animals onto the floor. Has he decided to boycott his naps now?) I can blog when Ryan gets home. I shouldn’t always work on my to-do list when I should focus on being being a mother.

Joe doesn’t care if his birthday cake matches the decorations. He doesn’t care if my eyebrows are waxed. He doesn’t care that I haven’t written a blog post in two weeks. He doesn’t care if I don’t make my goal weight. He cares about me being with him and living life. No one expects me to be perfect except for me. I’m a pretty harsh critic of myself, so I might as well just give it up.

7. I am a different person now.

I am still Maggie. But life started changing for me once I said “I do.” I couldn’t spend my days thinking about myself. I had my darling husband to give my whole self to. However, once I became a mother, my life has been transformed even more. I have two people in my life that I would die for in a heartbeat. One of them is a baby. He is defenseless and completely, totally depends on me. The 20 year-old Maggie could not have handled this very well. I am an adult now (even though it sucks sometimes.) I am a wife and a mother. With the birth of Joe my life has expanded. My heart has expanded. My ability to love has grown. My world is completely different. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks be to God, from whom all blessings flow.

Mr. Destruction

It's hard to believe that in a few short weeks my little baby boy will be turning ONE. OK, so maybe it's not so hard because Joe is definitely taking on the toddler persona!

Joe gets into everything. For. realz. He loves to take books and DVD's off shelves, throw every toy out of the toy box, and loves to trip up Grandma Mary's People magazines. (Thankfully we were finished reading them.)

Joe has become quite the little daredevil as well! He likes to scoot things up to the couch to aid him in his quest to climb up on the couch. He'll use a toy to step up on to reach the window blinds. He uses his walking dinosaur toy to try and get up on the coffee table. He tries to take flying leaps off the bed. He likes to crawl in small spaces and pick apart spider webs. He is all that is boy!

His personality is coming out LOUD and clear. He loves to yell and scream and make all sorts of goofy noises. He loves to be chased. He'll crawl a few feet and look back at you with a look that says, "Well, aren't ya gonna get me?" and when you go after him he squeals and takes off. There have been times I've taken my eyes off him for 0.2 seconds and I see he's climbed up 3 stairs and is sitting there with a huge prideful smile! Oy.. he keeps me on my toes!

I am not at all surprised at how wild my son is becoming. He is a boy, after all, and he is getting to that age where he wants to explore and destroy. I've heard quite a few stories involving my husband when he was a youngster. They involve smearing peanut butter on window screens, peeing out of 3rd story windows, and using a knife to spring his baby brother out of a play pen. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started having babies with Ryan!

However, there is this feeling inside me that I don't want to face. It's this thing I want to put off. It's this thing that I don't even know if it's the right time to deal with. It's this thing that I don't even know how to do.

This thing I write of is called discipline.

I'm sure I can look it up in the books, but I've become increasingly annoyed with parenting books and magazines, so I'm looking to you fine folks to help me out.

Yes, Joe is a daredevil and loves to destroy things. But I do know that he is barely a year old and doesn't know any better. But there are some things he does that makes me wonder if he really DOES know better.

Take for instance, our TV. It is a flat screen TV that is on a large table. The table is about chin-level with Joe. We keep our eyes on him like a hawk when he's in the TV room (which is also his playroom.) He usually pays no attention to the TV. But every once in awhile he will go up to the TV and put his hands on it. There is no way to get it out of arms reach for him and there is no way he can knock it over, but we still don't want him to even get used to the idea of touching the TV. We say "No, no." in a firm but gentle voice and pick him up and distract him with something else. Well..... Joe now thinks this "No, No" is a fun new game. He'll crawl over to the TV and pull himself up and look over at us with a little smile. Then he reaches up to the TV and when we say, "No, no!" and he squeals and gets back on all fours to crawl away.

I usually think it's funny and cute, but I'm beginning to realize that he is seeing how far he can push the boundaries. I don't even know if this is something to even concern myself with yet.

I've also come to realize how only-child syndrome can work. I've starting to babysit a 5 month old girl a couple days a week. The first day was quite interesting. Neither of them had really been around another crying baby, so when one would cry, the other one would cry and I'd have Joe's wail and Baby K's high-pitched shriek ringing in my ears. There would be pure silence for about a minute and the other baby would start right back in on the crying game. Thankfully that has subsided, but I have noticed that Joe does not like to share his toys. When I give Baby K a toy Joe will come and rip it out of her hands. I know he doesn't understand the concept of sharing, so I usually just give Baby K a different toy and distract Joe with another toy. Joe is too smart for that. He will grab her toy and make a stockpile of all the toys he has stolen from her, like a pirate with his booty. I try to distract, but to no avail. I'm just thankful that Baby K is still young enough to not get mad when her toys are stolen!

Like I said, Joe probably doesn't get the idea of sharing, but a part of me wonders when I should start instilling that in him.

I know that someday both Ryan and I will have to think about discipline. Sigh... this is where I will discover if I'll be a pushover or a stickler. Joe is growing up and discovering the child that he is. I am growing up too, and about to discover what kind of parent I will be!

Any tips or suggestions or your own ideas regarding WHEN and HOW to discipline a child? How early is too early? How long can you hold off being the punishing parent?

Growing and Growing...

What happened to my itty bitty baby boy?



Tomorrow Joe turns 10 months old. The double digits... wow. I'm sure some of you are sick of the "Oh woe, woe, woe... my darling baby is growing up entirely too fast" posts, but I am just in amazement at how fast these last 10 months have gone.

He is turning out to be such a boy (which is good, considering that is indeed his gender.) He loves to hide in his own little fort.

He loves to play with cars and trucks- especially crash them together!


He loves to get messy, although I'm sure most babies do. But seeing him all covered in spaghetti makes me think of what he'll be like in the toddler years...


He's growing more and more hair everyday! A few months ago I kept thinking to myself that it is hard to imagine Joe with a full head of hair. Well, he's slooooooowly getting there!


He loves to play outside and explore. He isn't content just playing in one room. He has to go everywhere. I remember the days of just setting him in his bouncer and being able to go to the bathroom in piece or browse the internet. Those days are no more!


He makes the funniest expressions. It is very hard to bathe him in a regular bath tub. He just wants to stand even though he can't stand independently. Bathing him in the baby pool is much easier!


You can see some little teethers in this picture. He just popped one on top a week ago and another one is getting ready to come out very soon. No more gummy old man grins... he's going to look like such a big boy with those two top teeth!



He went to his first concert a couple weeks ago. Brewer and Shipley, of all people. He loved it! We are now discovering how much he loves music!


Sticking out his tongue. Typical boy!


Terrorizing my mom's cat. Another typical boy move. He's crawling after her in this picture.



Joe loves to stand and would stand all day long if he were able. He also loves to rip the ALT key off my computer.


Such a big boy!


He's not too sure about swimming...


He is growing up so fast. He is becoming his own little person with his own personality. Some of his baby fat has melted away now that he's crawling all over the place. It kind of makes me sad. A girl from my hometown celebrated her baby boy's 1 year birthday this past weekend. I looked at the photos from the party and I actually got teary-eyed. In two short months that will be my own little boy. Crossing from babyhood to toddler hood... it's such a big change and this change is happening so fast.

I know I shouldn't be all mopey. Maybe it's because I'm PMS-ing and I have baby fever, but I just can't help feeling all mushy gushy about my baby boy!


Happy 10 months, my darling Joe. You are growing up to be more than we ever could have imagined!

Ohmygoodness I almost forgot!

Joe slept in his own bed the entire night last night! He didn't sleep the entire time, but he didn't end up in bed with me!

I put him down around 9:00. I'm not sure why it was so late, but that is how it happened. He stayed asleep when I put him in the play pen which is an oddity. I observed him on the video monitor and he stayed asleep for a few hours just tossing and turning periodically but never fully waking up.

Around midnight he woke up. He stood up crying for a few minutes but then plopped back down into his usual lean-against-the-side-of-the-play-pen position. He fell back asleep and I saw him topple over with his butt still sticking in the air. I feel I'm getting over the "Oh my poor baby is all by his lonesome" feelings but I still worry he'll suffocate by having his face smooshed at the bottom of the playpen. I waited about 15 minutes and went in and laid him back down normally. He didn't wake.

I went to sleep in the guest room with the white glow of the video baby monitor fuzzing over my face. Around 2:15 a.m. he woke up and sat up and his cries were a little more urgent. He hadn't nursed since 9:00 which is one of the longest stretches he's gone in awhile so I figured he wanted to eat. I went in and nursed him in the bed in his room. I figured I was making a big mistake because surely I would fall asleep with him. But, no! After he was done eating I waited about 25 minutes until he was in a deep sleep and laid him back in the playpen. I went back to sleep in the guest room.

The next time he cried was around 5:30. I figured that was pretty darn good so I went in, laid in bed with him and nursed him. We slept until about 8:00. So yeah, he did sleep in the same bed as me, but having him sleep in his own bed for 8 hours and only waking up twice is pretty darn exciting!

I'm happy, but very tired today. I can't sleep well when he's not with me because I just have that dreading feeling that he's going to wake up any minute and I'll have to wake up, get out of bed and go get him.

Joe had a busy day today and went to sleep around 7:00. We'll see how tonight goes!

I am the servant, my 9 month old is the master...

In my last post I chronicled our latest sleep saga. We put Joe in his play pen to go to sleep and he'll fuss for a few minutes, then it is silent.

I couldn't stand not knowing what was going on so we got a video baby monitor.

Big mistake. (Kind of.)

As you can see Joe will sit down and lean against the play pen side. His eyes are open and he is staring at the door. Sometimes he'll sit up straight and just stare into the darkness (the camera has night vision.) As soon as we crack the door open he's standing up and fussing for us to pick him up. This has gone on this whole week.

OK, people. I'm pathetic. But I stare at the TV monitor and my heart just breaks that he's sitting there alone in the dark. We put some a few toys in there and stuffed animals (not enough to suffocate him or anything) and we have a noise maker/night light but it goes off after 25 minutes. Then he sits in darkness.

We tried going to bed and leaving him in the play pen but when he knows we're in the same room he cries non-stop. So it's back into the bed with us.

I'm thinking that soon Ryan and I will have to experiment and sleep in another room away from Joe. But I know for a fact that I will stare at the TV baby monitor for hours. I will want to run in there and scoop him up and make sure he knows he's not alone. Make sure he is breathing. Make sure he knows we didn't abandon him. I don't know how other parents do it- having their baby in another room and not knowing what's going on. I swear Joe would stay awake all night if he wasn't in bed with us.

I've heard of babies having separation anxiety, but a mother having separation anxiety from her baby at nighttime??? I'm weird... and a loser. It doesn't help that Ryan jokingly said to me, "He's probably in there singing Eric Carmen's 'All By Myself' to himself."



NOT FUNNY!

How do I toughen up?

The Sleeping Saga Continues...

Life has been interesting around here in our household. I’ve been sick, my mother and father in law have been sick, and Joe has had an ear infection and explosive diarrhea (during one occurrence I nearly rolled into the poop pile). It’s been so much fun. Not.

But something else has been happening… a strange occurrence with Joe’s sleeping habits. I wrote about my trials of getting Joe to sleep in his own bed and trying the cry it out method here, here and here. Well the saga continues…

Last weekend Joe and I went and spent time with my mom. Ryan stayed behind in Kansas City. This changes our bedtime ritual a little bit. Usually in Kansas City I nurse Joe to sleep in the bed. Our TV/living room area is right next to the bedroom so we can keep an eye on him. Usually while we watch TV and if Joe fusses we run in there to give him his binky or rock him back to sleep. There has been a time or two that Joe has used his ninja like qualities and has crawled to the edge of the bed. Thankfully I see him in time and sprint over there before he dives off. We have to do this about 3 or 4 times a night before we go to bed. It’s a pain, but just something we’ve had to deal with.

However, at my mom’s house, in order to spend time with her, after Joe goes to bed I have to put him in his play pen that is placed in the guest room. Surprisingly he sleeps well in there. By the time I usually get to bed he’s ready to nurse again and I just keep him in bed with me.

Saturday night was interesting. I nursed Joe to sleep and laid him in the play pen. Usually he stays asleep but not this time. He wasn’t really crying, just whining. I decided to leave the room and see if he’d scream bloody murder like he usually does. To my pleasant surprise he didn’t! I went into the living room and he was fussing/whining, but not full out crying. After a few minutes it was silent. I actually panicked a little… had I gone deaf? Did Joe scale the play pen and fall out and go unconscious? I wanted so badly to sneak in there but I was afraid I’d wake him up if he was indeed asleep. After about 20 minutes I quietly walked in to this:





I just HAD to take a photo! Afterwards I laid him back down and he fell back asleep. About 30 minutes after I had gone to bed he woke up to nurse and slept with me the rest of the night.

Sunday was even more interesting. I laid him down while he was asleep but he woke up fussing. I left like I did the night before. Then the pattern of 3-5 minutes of fussing/whining then 10 minutes of quiet started happening over and over. After one of the 10 minute quiet stretches I went to check on him. There he was, sitting in his play pen staring into the darkness. Of course as soon as he saw me he stood up and reached for me. But seeing him all alone just sitting there almost broke my heart more than leaving him screaming his head off! I vowed next time to leave a book or small stuffed animal in his play pen with him.

I wondered how Joe’s new sleeping habits would go in Kansas City. We decided to do the same thing I had done at my mom’s and the crying/fussing/quiet pattern continued again! We were happy to be able to watch TV and have alone time without worrying about Joe falling off the bed.
When we go and check on him he’s usually asleep in a weird potition- just like in the photo above! Other times he is standing up. I swear he just stands there staring at the door for 30-40 minutes while we are in the other room. Sometimes we’ll open the door a fraction of an inch and he’ll start crying. I wish we had one of those video baby monitors to see what he was doing while we are in the other room.

When we go to sleep we bring him into bed with us. We’re taking baby steps to get him to sleep in his crib all night. Tonight we might leave him in the crib and see what happens. I’m just really in awe that he’s not screaming bloody murder for an hour while we are out of the room. He must be growing up. It’s strange also, because I think that I’d worry all night about SIDS or something if he was asleep in his crib and not next to us. If he slept all night I’d think something was wrong with him! That’s just the worry wart in me…

Do any of your babies sleep in weird positions? Every time I see the picture of Joe sleeping all weird in his play pen I think, “Gosh, that cannot be comfortable!”

What in the Boob Are You Doing?!

My nursing relationship with Joe is still going strong. He's about a week shy of 9 months and we haven't had any problems. He'd still rather nurse than eat solids. I have to coax him to eat baby food and he is not interested in table food whatsoever. That's fine by me; I know he'll get it eventually.

Lately, the one thing that has changed is the way he nurses. Now that he has gotten more observant of the world around him he likes to nibble, look around, nibble some more, etc. When someone enters the room and says anything he stops and looks at them. If it's Daddy he'll usually stop nursing and want to play with him. I have to nurse him in a quiet room with relatively no distractions. The best place is in bed.

Oh yeah, and the biting.*Shudders*... Oy, the biting....

But the past few days he's done something even more different. He won't lay in my arms like a sweet peaceful baby and nurse. He sits up and nurses! I'll be laying on my side nursing him and he'll get up from his laying down position and sit and lean toward me and nurse! Once when I was sitting on the couch nursing he sat up on my lap facing me and reached toward me and nursed that way! He constantly wants to be on the go-go-go, so I understand why he wants to nurse in this strange new manner. I think it's funny, but weird!

Anybody else have their babies start nursing in strange positions or is it just my child? This isn't a sign he wants to wean is it?

Motherhood is a Dying to Self

This last weekend was my sister in law’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and happy celebration and I had a good time, but for the first time since Joe was born I felt limited by being a mother.

I was having a very good time at the rehearsal dinner. A lot of Ryan’s family that I hadn’t seen in awhile was there and I was enjoying some adult time. But before I knew it we had to go home because it was Joe’s bedtime.

The next night was the wedding and reception. By the time the wedding was over it was Joe’s bedtime but we still went to the reception for a little bit. I eyed the bar and wanted so badly to have a mixed drink or two but knew I couldn’t because I am still nursing and hadn’t had time to pump some extra non-liquor-laced boob juice. Besides, I would be too paranoid to get even the slightest “buzz” because I co-sleep and co-sleeping after drinking can be very dangerous.

I eyed the dance floor. I wanted to shake my groove thang, but Joe was getting fussy and the only place he wanted to be was in his mama’s arms. No bustin’ a move for me.

When I got home that night and Joe fell asleep I felt jealous of those that were still at the reception. Such freedom they had! They could eat, drink and be merry all night long! They could stay up late into the night and have fun! No kids to keep them tied down- they could do whatever they wanted and go wherever they wanted! UGH… I felt like I was left out of the fun. I haven’t had fun like that in a very long time.

My thoughts centered on this upcoming weekend. My high school has its alumni celebrations each year on Memorial Day weekend. Lots of drinking and carousing are involved. No, I do not miss the drunkenness that I once took part of, but I love seeing old friends and catching up. I was close to a lot of people in this year’s 10 year class and I would love to see my old classmates as well. I am a social butterfly by nature, so knowing that I won’t be able to participate this year made me really bummed out. Again, all these people would be having fun and socializing and I’d be stuck at home. It then occurred to me that this is how it’s going to be for awhile. Stuck with no place to go.

Now I do realize I could have gotten a babysitter for my sister-in-law’s wedding and other occasions. However, Joe is not an easy baby when it comes to going to sleep for the night. He has been fighting it like crazy. He still wakes up numerous times throughout the night to nurse. I just don’t feel right having someone else watch him when he is so difficult. Plus, I’d still be thinking about him and worried that the babysitter would be clawing out their own eyes because Joe JUST WON’T GO TO SLEEP!!!

All this thinking made me really discouraged. Maybe it’s hormones, but I just could not shake the feeling of being trapped in motherhood. I knew long before Joe was born that I would have to make sacrifices, but when it comes to actually doing so, my selfishness and pride are a huge obstacle.

I’ve been thinking about being a mother a lot lately. I’m a completely changed person because I have to give all of myself to my child. It’s a different kind of giving than to my husband. Sure I make sacrifices for my husband, but they aren’t as life-consuming. I’ll give up watching a TV show so he can play video games. I’ll cook a meal he wants to instead of one I was craving. There are a hundred things I can think of that I sacrifice for him, but I can also think of a hundred different things he sacrifices for me. With Joe it is different. I sacrifice my time, my energy, my body, my social life… and he doesn’t really do anything in return. I know that sounds horrible. I’m not saying I do all these nice things for my husband just so I can get something else in return, but it’s just different.

Motherhood is a dying to self. That sounds kind of depressing and dark. It sounds like I’m painting a bad picture of motherhood. Motherhood isn’t a bag of sugar-coated rainbows. It’s tough.

But you want to know something? Freedom to do what you want is good, but loving someone else unconditionally is so much better. It is freeing to know that it isn’t all about me anymore. Looking inwards to myself all the time gets a little depressing and boring.

The love for my husband is so great and it has spilled over into a brand new soul- a new life on this earth. We participated in one of God’s greatest gifts- the ability to create a new person. My heart, my soul is overjoyed when I look into the eyes of my son. When he reaches out to me my heart swells. When he is hurt, I hurt. When he is frustrated I feel his pain. When I am away from him for a long period of time my heart aches to be with him.

So would I stop nursing just so I could have an alcoholic beverage now and then? No.
Is there anything I wish I would have done before Joe was born? Nope.
Would I change anything about how I mother Joe so I could have all the things I want? No way.

I do realize that it IS important to have some “me” time to recharge my batteries. It is important to take care of yourself. I’m just trying to figure that part out. Right now my 10 minute drives to Target by myself are my little getaways.

So am I sad that I had to miss out on seeing the movie Thor with my husband and brother in law? I was- that feeling lasted about 5 hours (remember people, I’m a selfish little lady!) But the love, laughter, and joy I get from my child lasts forever.