Sam's Birth Story

I promised a while back that I would write Sam's birth story. There's no exciting water-breaking tale or a story of an 82 hour labor and 3 hours of pushing. I had a c-section, so my story is pretty cut and dry.

Still, it is filled with peace and happiness.

Ryan and I arrived at the hospital before the sun came up. I registered at admissions and walked up to The Birth Place. I donned the lovely oversized hospital gown. The nurses came in to start my IV and take blood for the lab. Since I have crappy veins they blew one and then kept searching for another. That stuff never bothers me. It did, however, bother Ryan. He had to leave the room. They finally got me all hooked up.

The nurse took my blood pressure. I heard the game-over-bing-bong sound that the machine makes when the reading is complete. That brought back a flood of horrible memories from when I was in the hospital with Joe. But instead of the blaring alarm alerting the nurse that my blood pressure was sky high, there was silence. My blood pressure was perfect. Now THAT was a wonderful feeling.

I looked at the contraction monitor, and what do you know- I was having contractions. Just small ones and I could barely feel them. I had my nurse check me even though I was set on having a c-section. I was still closed and high. That brought me even more peace.

The nurse gave me the nasty, sour c-section drink and Ryan and I spent the next 30 minutes or so relaxing. Suddenly I felt like I was going to get sick, but nothing happened. Maybe it was just nerves.

My doctor came in to check on me. He told me that the anesthesioligt's assistant was of the Jesuit persuasion and I should jokingly ask him if there were any Benedictine trained assistants. (Gotta love Catholic humor!) The nurse told me that my doctor and the assistant always joked with each other I was sure to be entertained. 

The anesthesiologist came in and discussed my surgery. I told him with Joe's birth I vomited everywhere in the O.R. Seconds after the beautiful first glimpse of my son I upchucked everywhere. When they wheeled me to my room I also threw up. It was not fun so I made sure the he knew I didn't want to experience that again. I opted to get a spinal instead of an epidural. I got a spinal with Joe, so I knew what to expect and with a spinal you are able to get up sooner.

The nurse came in and told me it was time. She asked me if I wanted to be wheeled in to the O.R. or walk. I emphatically told her I wanted to walk. This might sound silly, but I wanted to walk because with Joe I was wheeled into my surgery because I was on bedrest due to the pre-eclampsia. I felt like I was in control of the situation by walking in.

I walked  into the FREEZING cold O.R. I asked the assistant if he was Benedictine trained and he laughed. "Ohhh nooo... you're one of THEM aren't you?!" he joked. I was put at ease even though I was sitting on the edge of the operating table as he was preparing me to get my anesthesia.

That was probably the scariest part of all. The numbing shot was the only thing that somewhat hurt, but I was paranoid that the anesthesia wouldn't work and I would feel the cutting. But slowly my legs grew heavy and warm. It was like a warm, comfy, heavy blanket was put over me. I was helped to lay on the table, they put up the blue sheet divider and I waited.

Ryan finally came in and we just started talking. The anesthisologist assistant was very nice, even though I made fun of him for being a Jesuit. We were all chatting and I was beginning to wonder why we were all waiting around.

"Is Dr. S coming?" I asked. The assistant said, "He's already here and they have you open." WOW! I really couldn't feel ANYTHING! My doctor and the assistant started joking with each other and I was laughing.

Before I knew it one of my doctor's assistants said that I would feel pressure (I didn't) and then I heard my son enter the world and cry. It was a deep cry and tears of my own fell down my face. Ryan had tears in his eyes as he said "He looks like Joe!"

To my surprise I looked over to my right and saw my doctor holding my son upside down! He was all gooey. I was actually thankful to see him like that- straight from my body.

They took him to clean him up and then brought him to me. He really did look like Joe. I reached out and touched him. He opened his tiny eyes. It is those moments I will never ever forget.

 Soon they left the room. Dr. S finished up with me. I got the chills and they put a warm blanket on me. The anesthesiologist assistant wiped my face with a warm washcloth. I was suuuuuuuuper relaxed and the meds (morphine, I think?) started making me sleepy. I didn't throw up thanks to the anti-nausea meds they gave me! They wheeled me back to my room where I waited for the nurses to finish up their assessment of Sam. My doctor came in and told me everything went perfectly.

After a short time Ryan came in with the nurse and they wheeled Sam in. I finally got to hold him and nurse him.

My stay at the hospital had some ups and downs. Sam had very low blood sugar when he was first born so I gave it my all to nurse him and kangaroo-hold him as much as possible to get it up. I also had some major troubles breastfeeding (more on that later). But this experience was so SO much better since I didn't have pre-e. I was able to get out of bed later that night. I was able to relax and watch the Olympics and hold my precious baby. We had many wonderful visitors that made our stay there go by quickly. I was able to be discharged that Wednesday, but I chose to stay longer to get rest and to recover. The nurses there were awesome and took really good care of all of us.

Of course I had hoped I would get a VBAC, but I had prayed hardcore for God's will to be done, and having a c-section must have been his will. It isn't ideal- it's major surgery and recovery is tough, but this birth experience was so so much better.

Now... my peace with my c-section has been tainted a bit due to postpartum hormones and my sensitivity and pride, but I'll write more on that later.

Birth is just one piece of the puzzle in motherhood. It may have not gone exactly how I wanted it to, but in the end, my son entered this world and it's my job now to care and love him.

Joe is 2!

Yesterday Joe turned 2. Although, he's been acting like a 2 year old for quite some time now!

I can't believe how much he has grown. Having a newborn REALLY makes me aware of how much he has grown.

Of course it is challenging having a toddler. Mass and grocery store trips are quite exhausting. He makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes. But, oh, my- how he makes me smile and laugh! I have a lot of difficult days, but because of him, there is a 100% guarantee I will giggle or grin at least once a day.

This birthday was fun because he was a little more aware of what is going on. He still doesn't quite get the concept of a birthday, but there was a lot of joy on his face when he opened his presents, saw his cousins at his party and trying to grab for his cake.

This morning he crawled into bed with me and snuggled while I was nursing Sam. Being a toddler, he didn't stay there for long. He's not going to stay anywhere for long- babyhood, toddlerhood, teenager. It's all going by so fast and it is so bittersweet.

My big boy!

Once he opened this present he didn't want to open any others!

He was going after the cake!

Finally I just gave in...

Pure talent!

We shouldn't have waited so long to take a family picture!

Pretty much sums up our life right now!

Harebrained Idea: Nursing School

I've had many a harebrained idea in my day.

They go all the way back to the days of elementary school. I had plans with my friends to form a real baby-sitter's club, just like the books. We were going to have officers and meetings. I even had my mom print off some flyers with that old school print shop program.

That idea didn't pan out.

Fast forward to the days of attending my first college. When I quit I had big plans. BIG plans, I tell ya. I was going to go work at the Kawasaki factory, save up some money, then move to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. Oh, yes. I'm serious. I even tried out for the Broadway show The Lion King.

That idea REALLY did not pan out.

When I was working maintenance and housekeeping at our local hospital I felt really lost in life. I felt like I had no direction and was stuck in a rut. The solution to this problem? Why, backpack across Europe, of course! (I wish I was making this up.) I would save up my money, hop on a plane and have a grand ol' self-discovery journey!

A few years later I got another harebrained idea, but I really do think that this was the Holy Spirit guiding me. I decided to move to Atchison, Kansas. I had visited the town before, but I did not know a soul there. I was going to move there and be all by myself, quite a ways from my family and friends. This was going to be the first time living on my own; no roommate to split bills with or to keep me company. I just had to get away from the toxic situation I was in at the time.

That plan of mine worked out very well, I think. I moved to Atchison, had a reversion back to the Catholic Church, met my husband, and finally graduated from college.

Since my vocation had come to fulfillment in becoming a wife and mother, my schemes have dimished a bit. I did have a desire to get my masters in theology from Franciscan University. I even wrote an enthusiastic post about it!  I did have a crazy one a couple months ago. I wanted to start decorating cakes. You know the really cute, detailed and very time-consuming cakes you see in the magazines or on Pinterest? I would save you time by making them for you! I practically had dollar signs in my eyes when I thought this up. Yeah, that was a no-go.

Well, another idea has been brewing in my head for sometime now. I don't know if it's Holy Spirit material or just another Hollywood/backpacking/cake decorating deal.

I want to go to nursing school.

Now, in all honesty, this isn't a new idea. When I quit my first college, and after I realized my Hollywood plan was foolish as all hell I decided to go to nursing school. I got a job at a nursing home. I hated the staff and administration, but I LOVED the patients. Even the really crazy ones that would hit and scratch at me and scream at me to get the hell out of their room. I really did enjoy working with the residents and trying to make them feel better. I loved the feeling of helping others.

My first step to get into the techincal college for nursing was to take a sort of entrance exam. I passed and the next step was to apply. However, I was informed that since I still owed a substantial amount of money from my one month at CMSU I would not be allowed in until it was all paid. That put that idea in the pooper.

When I decided to move to Atchison my plan was to go to nursing school at the technical school. I planned on working full time at Wal-Mart to save up some money and then apply. But then I met my awesome neighbors who were students at Benedictine College and a few months later I was a student there starting my major in theology.

Over the years I've thought about nursing, but I didn't want to work in a place where I would miss out on family activities. I wanted a job with weekends and holidays off. I wanted a job where I could help people, and nursing would definitey fit in that category, but it just didn't seem like the right fit for me at the time.

So when did this idea of going into nursing make such a resurgance? Right before I went in to have my c-section. I was going in every week to my doctor's office so I was seeing these nurses all the time. One of them actually became a friend of ours. Ryan and I were in the elevator at the office when he suggested I become a nurse. "I think you'd be really great at it." I kind of shrugged my shoulders and thought it would be nice to work in a doctor's office so I could be a nurse but still have nights, weekends and holidays off. Plus, ever since I have learned about NFP and about the female body during pregnancy and childbirth I've been fascinated with the human body. Blood doesn't bother me. I actually wouldn't mind having a mirror so I can see my c-section being done. When I had my ear infection the nurse told me my ear was full of fluid and my ear canal was swollen I was dying to know what that looked like. I know that sounds super weird.

While I was at the hospital both Ryan and I marvelled at how awesome the nurses were. One of our favorite nurses, Ginny, talked about how much she loved her job. One of the night nurses sat and talked with me for quite awhile. We just chit-chatted about being mothers and breastfeeding and other random stuff. She talked about how much she loved her job and how flexible it was for her. She worked part time so she was able to stay at home part of the time and still bring in a nice chunk of income. It never occured to me that I could still work a little bit AND still be able to stay at home part of the time with my kids.

Ever since my stay at the hospital I have had nursing school on the brain. I messaged a friend who is a nurse to ask her questions. I talked with my husband about this idea. I've been praying about it as well.

Is this just another crazy idea? Will the excitement and curiosity wear off soon?

The reason I think this is a serious idea is because I have been praying to God for years now to guide us into how to handle our financial situation. We would be doing just fine except for my student loans. They are astronomical. I don't think it is feasible for me to stay at home without bring some sort of income. I had big dreams of being a free-lance writer, but as you can tell, that's not really panning out so well. I don't have any other talents that I can think of that would help us out. I always told myself that I would get back out in the work force once all my kids were in school, but it might have to be sooner than that. (I'll write more about mommy guilt and staying at home vs. going to work in the future.)

Another thing that is holding me back besides worrying this is just a dumb idea is pure, unadulterated fear. First of all, I would have to take some pre-requisets to get in. The thought of taking chemistry and microbiology scares the crap out of me. Then there is the process of being accepted into the program. What if I don't even get in? What kind of program should I do? Should I just go whole hog and get my bachelors of science in nursing? Should I do an accelerated one year program? Should I just stick with getting my R.N. and do a two year program?

How would I finagle going to school full-time when I have two very small children? I can't even go to the bathroom in peace. How would I be able to study for a very intense program? 

Probably the biggest fear is paying for school. I know there is financial aid, but is it really worth it to add even MORE debt to my ginormo mountain that I already have? I feel like that is the one big thing holding me back.

I fear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and failure. This would be a huge undertaking. Am I up for it?

I'd appreciate any prayers for me to make the right choice and to REALLY listen to God's will for me. I wish he'd just send me an email!

Sam is Catholic!

I promise I will start blogging again soon. I know all of you are anxiously waiting every day for a brand new post from me. :-) I have a newborn that wants to be constantly held and nursed and a toddler who still likes to sit on my head, so typing doesn't come easy for me these days!

These past 3 weeks have flown by it seems, but everyday feels like the longest day in the history of the universe. I'm waiting for the 6-8 week mom-zombie-fog to lift soon.

I have a lot of posts in my head. I want to write about not getting my VBAC. I want to write about adjusting to life as a mother of two and how I'm still scared crapless at screwing up my kids. I don't know how you mommy bloggers of many littles manage to post so often!

I do want to share some highlights from this weekend. Our Sam was baptized yesterday! I just love baptisms! I know this might sound weird, but the moment my sons have been baptized is when I truly feel like their parent. When the priest looks at me and explains my duty as a mother to raise my child up in the Church and their ultimate goal of heaven I get this huge feeling of fear and honor. I look at my baby in my arms and I get this overwhelming feeling of protection and love. It is the moment I really feel like a mother.

Fr. Rogers gave an amazing talk during the baptism ceremony. He talked about how he often presides over funerals of folks from "The Greatest Generation"- those that lived during WWII. They worked hard. They prayed. They cared greatly for God, family, and country. Fr. Rogers encouraged my husband and I to raise Sam to be more of The Greatest Generation instead of the typical immoral culture of today. Of course he said this all so much more beautifully! I often worry about the moral decay of our society and how extremely difficult it will be to raise my children.

I think we are off to a good start getting Sam baptized and taking seriously the baptismal promises we made to care for our son. We picked some pretty great godparents as well. Ryan's brother is Sam's godfather and Michelle from Endless Strength, who has become a dear real-life friend, is godmother. It was a beautiful, grace-filled day.

This is what happens when Daddy is in charge of getting Joe ready for Mass...

Wearing the same suit his Daddy wore at his baptism!

Beautiful Michelle and her godson!

Washin' away that Original Sin!

The Lion King Moment

Fr. Rogers loves the babies!

Parent's Blessing

The Baptism Gang

Our little family!

Sam is Here!

You will have to excuse the quietness around here and the fact that I never posted a birth announcement.

I have a toddler who likes to sit on my head and a newborn that wants the boob all the time and who poops a lot. Needless to say, it's hard to type out a post.

On Monday, August 6 at 8:53 a.m. we welcomed our son, Samuel James into the world. I did have to have a c-section, but it went wonderfully. Sam weighed in at 9 lbs, 3 oz and is 21 inches long.

I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough adjustment. Recovery has been a little tough this go-around and I'm battling some baby blues. But I just take each hour at a time and thank God that I have wonderful help in my husband and mom!

I'll post a birth story soon and how we are adjusting. But right now I have the munchies and Joe is threatening to throw his sippy cup at his brother.

Here's a bunch o' cute baby pictures!

Brand new!

He's a biggin'

Meeting my son!

Ryan holding Sam for the first time.

Finally get to hold my baby!

Joe meets his little brother

Kisses!

I think he likes him!

Best buds!

One week old!

My boys!

BABY DAY!!!

Tomorrow is baby day!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

I am so, so ready- physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I got a special blessing at Mass. I got a pedicure with a great friend. I spent some one on one time with my mom. I ate dinner with my mom, brother and his family.

It has been a wonderful, wonderful day.

I've enjoyed this past week of waiting. I've enjoyed doing all the fun things to try and induce labor naturally. It has been fun and entertaining. Lots of laughs have come out of it!

I have also enjoyed the last few days of being just a family of three. The other day Joe brought out his pillow and blanket and laid down on his little fold-out couch. Ryan and I laid next to him and cuddled and he kept giggling and looking at us. There has been lots of cuddling and tickling and laughing. It has been bittersweet.

And guess what? My little boy... who says many words- trash, cheese, hat, brush, poop, bath.. NEVER says Mommy and Daddy. Until today. When I went out with my mom he was yelling "Mommy, Mommy!" out the window. Ryan recorded it and it just breaks my heart and makes it melt at the same time.
I am at peace.

I am very much at peace. I am going into this surgery with happiness and excitement.

I cannot wait to meet my son. I cannot wait to share him with you!

Thank you for all your prayers and support!

Baby announcement to come soon..... :-)

Yesterday's Test

I forgot to update y'all on how my biophysical profile test went yesterday!

First of all, the ultrasound lady was very pleased with the fluid levels, the practice breaths and baby boy's movements. She said it is usually hard to get good measurements with a late third trimester ultrasound, but she was able to get great measurements.

She did say my placenta was showing signs of being mature, which is pretty normal at this stage. But the baby is still getting enough blood and oxygen through there so it's nothing to be concerned about at this point.

Her estimation for weight is 9 lbs 3 oz give or take 1.6 lbs. She said she doesn't think it's + 1.6 lbs and that ultrasound calcuations for this late in pregnancy are not very accurate. But considering Joe was 8 lbs 15 oz at 2 weeks early, I am not surprised at all about a big giant baby in there! She showed me his fat pad on his tummy... I can't wait to tickle that big ol' belly!

I got to see his chubby cheeks and his hand resting by his nose. I just CANNOT wait to meet this little dude!

She was very pleased with the test and said I passed with flying colors. She said she thinks I'm making the right choice to wait a few days to see if I go naturally, but wouldn't feel comfortable with me waiting far past Monday because of my placenta.

I am at peace again, especially since I know that my baby is healthy! I am so excited that soon he will be in my arms!

I am trying all the good stuff to try and coax him out naturally.

It has been fun! ;-)