Thinking

There is something that I thought I was finally ready to write about, but I can’t bring myself to write about it just yet. I’ve been wanting to write a 3-part post reflecting on some things about pregnancy/child birth/becoming a mother that I never really got the chance to write about soon after Joe was born. All that was on my mind back then was nursing, my blood pressure and wondering if I’d ever get a full-night’s sleep again. I wanted to write about how difficult it was dealing with excessive swelling and pre-eclampsia. I wanted to write about how I am still “mourning the loss” of not giving birth naturally. I wanted to write about how scary it was/is becoming a new mother.

I feel it has taken me these past 6 months since Joe came into this world to be able to take a step back and find the right words for these posts. I was getting ready to write this past weekend when I realized that this coming week we would have celebrated Gus’ first birthday, if I had not miscarried him (or her.) Complaining about how I didn’t get MY way in my pregnancy and childbirth just doesn’t seem appropriate. I remember when we had our miscarriage scare with Joe. I begged God that I would do anything, let anything happen to me if this baby came out healthy. I know God doesn’t bargain. I did get a wonderfully healthy baby. But I’m just so selfish and self-centered sometimes that I choose to focus on how I didn’t get the dream birth I wanted and dreamed of.

Miscarriage and infertility has been heavy on my heart this month. Reflecting on Gus and what could have been and receiving my Family Foundations magazine in the mail that features infertility has really got me thinking. Some women would gladly welcome a c-section if it meant holding their own baby in her arms and here I am beepin’ and moanin’. My gosh, I lost a baby and I’m still complaining about the way I delivered my very special blessing. My pride is thinking I’m a fertile Myrtle and I just “know” I’m going to get pregnant again really soon. Who am I to assume that if we don’t follow the rules “just once” or if we’re ready to try to conceive I’ll get pregnant right away? I keep thinking that secondary infertility won’t happen to me or I won’t miscarry again. Fertility is such a gift and I keep assuming God will just shower me with these gifts. Not good, Maggie, not good.

Anyways, this post is already dragging and disjointed so I apologize. I just had to get my feelings out on the screen. I’m still debating on whether or not to do this 3 part post. Perhaps it will have to wait a little bit longer.

Joe's First Ash Wednesday

Joe celebrated his first Ash Wednesday yesterday! A couple days ago I asked on my facebook wall if babies could get ashes and many people said yes! I guess I've just never seen a baby with ashes on their forehead. I held Joe's hands down because I was afraid he'd do one of his spazz-out-hands-in-the-air moves, but he just looked up at Father and stared all wide-eyed and curious! Isn't he adorable?!

Hooray for Lent!

Mommy and Joe with our matching ashes!

OK, so this has nothing to do with Ash Wednesday or Lent, but by golly, it's too darn cute not to share!

Facebook: Pros and Cons

For the past couple of years I've considered giving up facebook for Lent. But I always made excuses- one was that Lent was right before my wedding and I needed this social network to keep in touch with family, friends, the wedding party and I needed a way to vent at times. Another excuse was that I was pregnant. I wanted to update my loved ones on the excitement of pregnancy.

This year I really have no excuses. I will admit that I am very much addicted to facebook so this will be a big sacrifice. Since I live in a town that is 25 miles from civilization, I use facebook to connect to the outside world. We have a very close-knit family with busy lives, so we use facebook as a way to connect. I love keeping in touch with my old high school and college buddies. I love how I can get to know my blogging friends a bit better. I use facebook to get advice. I enjoy reading people's statuses (most of the time) and sometimes people post very interesting articles or notes that I would not otherwise see. Facebook was a healing tool for me during my miscarriage. I hesitated posting the news that I had lost our baby, but I felt his life was worth celebrating and acknowledging and so I did. I got an outpouring of support and personal messages from other women (some who I barely knew) telling me of their own heartbreak. It was a huge help in knowing I wasn't alone.

Yes, giving up facebook will be hard, but in a tiny way I'm actually kind of excited. Imagine all the things I can get done without the temptation of looking at my friends' photos or playing just one more game of Wheel of Fortune! It's almost second nature for me- I need to clean up the kitchen, but I'm going to sit down for a second and check facebook "just for a second".... Well that second turns into 15 minutes of mindless facebook browsing and lost motivation to go clean.

Sometimes I look at my large list of "friends" and realize that there is only a small percentage that I actually communicate with. I know some people do massive facebook friend clear-outs and I have often thought about doing that as well. I have deleted some people, but they are usually people that never ever get online. But me being the very sensitive person I am doesn't want to delete a lot of people because sometimes my pride gets stung when I see that a "friend" has deleted me. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings. Besides, they might post an interesting article or video once in awhile, so I don't delete them, even though their statuses about getting crazy drunk all the time, and the self-portraits looking all hoochie-mama-ish annoy the crap out of me.

I have seen facebook used as a way to make fun of others and start drama. I have on more than one occasion been infuriated at a facebook status that was snarky and ambiguously aimed at me or one of my loved ones. I get so annoyed at immaturity and rudeness that people throw around on facebook. Just because you can't see the person you are hurting doesn't make it right to insult and abuse.

Facebook can annoy me because everyone thinks that they are a political or social justice genius. When election time rolls around I sometimes dread logging in to my facebook.

Do I need this time waster? This drama fueler? Yes. I love being able to be in contact with my loved ones. I enjoy the friendships I have made with people I have never even met. I love the sense of community when someone gets married, has a baby, or suffers a loss. Even Pope Benedict says that social networking can be a good tool if used wisely.

Hopefully this Lent will be a little more spiritually uplifting since I won't have the distraction of facebook. I will still be blogging, so I will still have updates on what's going on in our lives and cute Baby Joe pictures. I can't unplug completely!!!

What are you giving up for Lent?

When They Come A Knockin'

When I was in high school a classmate of mine listed of names of girls she wouldn't want to mess with. My cousin, my best friend and I were on that list. Now, please don't think we were bullies- pushing down small people, smoking in the bathroom, giving wedgies or spreading false gossip. We were good girls, goodie two-shoes and honor roll students. I guess we just exuded confidence and acted all tough.

Well that classmate of mine probably wouldn't put me on that list now, because I am a pansy.

I saw a strange car pull up in front of my house and two women got out. They had backpacks and were wearing long black skirts. "Oh noooooooo!!! They are either Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons!" I thought. I didn't have time to think. I have always heard of missionaries going door-to-door, but I have never ever had to deal with a situation like this!

They knocked on the door and I couldn't hide because they had seen me through our front window. I opened the door to two very young, pretty girls- probably college age.

They asked me if I had ever heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I said yes. They asked me if I knew about Jesus Christ and his Gospel. I pointed to the large crucifix in our living room and said yes. They giggled in surprise. Then I said, "We're devout Catholics, so I'm not really interested in hearing what you have to say." As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. They sounded so mean. Yeah, they are the truth, but I could have said it in a more charitable way. I mean these people walk door to door in the cold, probably get cursed at, made fun of, doors slammed in their face, and they are all doing it because they truly believe they are doing the right thing. They believe what they are doing is good. They do it for Jesus. I immediately apologized. I told them I didn't mean to sound rude. They smiled and said I wasn't and then asked if there was anything they could do for our family. Then they left. Thankfully Joe was in my arms so he broke up the awkwardness.

I know some people invite missionaries in and debate theology. Some people agree to take a pamphlet if they can give the missionaries a pamphlet of their own denomination. Some people hide or say, "No thanks," and slam the door.

How do you deal with missionaries of different denominations when they come knocking at your door? Are you rude? How do you treat them with kindness? Do you take this opportunity to share your own denomination's beliefs?


In closing I would like to share a joke with you that my Uncle Alan has recently told my family:

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said, "Come in and sit down."

When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Darned if I know, I've never got this far before!"

Benedictine College

My alma mater, Benedictine College, came out with a new video. Watching it is somewhat bittersweet. I am so proud to be called a Raven; I love my college so very much, but I'm also sad that I never really got involved on campus. I have written why I didn't get involved and how much I miss my college days. You can read those reasons and my memories here.

Ryan and I miss Atchison, Kansas very much. We never thought in a million years that we would say that because we complained about it for so long, but this tiny boring town we live in now makes Atchison look like Paris, France. We might have a chance to visit in May and we are happily looking forward to that trip!

Anyway, here is the video. Any of you with high school-aged kids who are looking into colleges should definitely check out Benedictine!

6 Months!

Joe is 6 months old today. I'm going to say it again- he's growing up way too fast!

Some updates on my little boy:

I've been a major slacker when it comes to giving Joe baby food and cereal. The couple times I did he just wasn't interested, so I didn't push it and figured I'd wait until he is 6 months. Plus since he's been sick with an ear infection I didn't want to risk introducing anything new and him getting an allergic reaction to that.

Joe LOVES Chandler. He'll just stare at the dog and laugh and smile. Chandler will get close to him and let Joe reach out and touch his furry face (even poke him in the eye!) and he's great! I'm so thankful Chandler has adjusted so well to Joe!

Speaking of poking in the eye, Joe loves to reach out and touch faces. He grabs my nose, puts his finger in my nose, poke my eyes, and put his fingers in my mouth. It's a fun way to wake up in the morning!

No teeth yet! Ryan started teething at 5 1/2 months and I started at 6 months, so I'm guessing it might be pretty soon!

He has found a way to get out of tummy time- he promptly rolls over to his back when he is placed on his stomach! He's rolling over so much now! I think we're going to be in trouble soon...

He thinks it's hilarious when I eat Oreo cookies because I go, "Yummy, yummy, yum!" He also laughs whenever I read him his bedtime story- no matter what book it is!

It's been half a year since I've given birth. These past 6 months have been crazy hard, but also crazy beautiful!

My own little cherub!

My cousin's little boy dressed as Spider-Man holding Joe... this picture always makes me smile!

One of the attemps to feed him cereal.

Just like his daddy- watching ESPN!

One of his favorite toys- the remote control!

One of our favorite times of the day- nap time!

I see so much of his Daddy in this picture. I love it!

First-time Mommy Lessons...

Wow, what an exhausting couple of weeks it has been! A couple weeks ago Joe was diagnosed with an ear infection. Getting to that conclusion was tiring in itself. Joe was showing signs of an ear infection, but when I looked up the symptoms they were practically identical to symptoms of teething. I fretted for a couple of days. Do I take Joe to his pediatrician that would probably make me feel like a dope if he was just teething? (Remember, he is the one who reminds me of Freddie Krueger.) Finally I decided to put my pride in my back pocket and go to the doctor. He did have an ear infection, but just a small one. All those days of fretting- over, right? Nope.

He was prescribed the antiobiotic amoxicillin for 10 days. It was a struggle to have him take it, but I was expecting that. A few days later I noticed he started getting a diaper rash. Joe never gets diaper rashes. If he starts to get a little red, which is rare, just one dab if Desitin will clear it up in no time. So you can imagine my surprise when the diaper rash didn't immediately disappear. Since I'm not used to aggressively treating a diaper rash I just kind of treated in now and then. It would go away soon.

Oh my... his diaper rash started rearing its ugly head. It looked so horrible and painful. Joe would even cry in pain when I would change his diaper. I hated seeing him in pain. I practically used a whole tube of Desitin and it seemed to be getting a little better.

After the amoxicillin dosage was over came the thrush in Joe's mouth. He was laughing one day and I saw the white patchy spots on the inside of his cheeks. I had read about this. He spent the whole day refusing to eat. I was getting engorged and soon Joe was screaming because he was so hungry but too much in pain to eat. I was sick with worry. I felt like a failure as a mom. Aren't breastfeeding babies supposed to be more immune from ear infections and such? Is my milk low-quality or something? Is he sick because I let him sit in a grocery cart seat or take him out and about too much? (Of course I'm exaggerating a little bit on these worries. Maybe...)

I have complained about the internet before, but this time it came in handy. It seems that a horrible diaper rash (a yeast infection diaper rash to be exact) and thrush are fairly common reactions to amoxicillin. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! Thanks Dr. Freddie Krueger for warning me that this could happen! I would have treated the diaper rash more aggressively.

Dr. Sears recommends clotimazole which is a non-prescription cream to combat this pesky yeast infection diaper rash. When I asked the pharmacist where I can find this cream (it's Lotrimin) she said, "Just make sure it isn't staph infection." Oh hooray. Another thing to worry about. (But my gut says it's not staph. I've looked at enough pictures of diaper rashes to sort of tell the difference.)

We've had a fun time putting Joe butt naked on a towel. They say letting them be bare bottomed helps with diaper rash. This boy loooooooves to be naked and it's so cute seeing all his fat rolls and him grabbing his feet flashing the world with his dazzling smile!

Lesson learned: maybe next time Joe gets an ear infection take a different antibiotic OR start in with the diaper rash cream right away!

Because of his diaper rash I wanted to get a little bit bigger diapers just to let a little more air circulate. He is currently in size 3 diapers (fits 16-28 lbs.) Size 4 diapers starts at 22 lbs, and even though he's still a couple pounds away from that I know size 4 fits him fairly well. We went to Wal-Mart and saw diapers were on sale! I saw a size 4 with 108 diapers in a box. But size 3 had 128 diapers. Why the difference? Hmmm.. maybe this was a special "bonus" pack... 20 extra diapers- woo hooo!!! We needed to find this special bonus pack for size 4. I had Ryan dig around. A Wal-Mart associate came and asked if we needed help. I asked where we could find the box of 128 diapers for size 4. She informed us that the bigger the diaper sizes get, the less there are in the boxes. She pointed out that size 5 diapers only have 92.

I thanked her and said, "Can't you tell we are first-time parents," with a laugh. She laughed too and said, "We've all been there." After she left I made my typical frowny face and said to Ryan, "That's crap! Just because the diapers are bigger doesn't mean they need to skimp on quantity!" Ryan just smiled, grabbed the box of 108 diapers and off we went. I still made multiple comments of the unfairness of diaper packing. Ryan and I have been blessed to have generous parents that have supplied us with diapers after our 3 month supply of diapers we got at our baby showers ran out. Oh well. Such is life.

Lesson learned: Diaper companies are evil. Or maybe I'm just not that observant!