Put on your big girl panties...

*No Way Back When post today. This post has been on my mind and in draft form since last Friday. It's hard to get my words across, so please bare with me and any grotesque spelling and grammar rules I butcher!*

A couple of months ago I read a book called Unplanned. It is the story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic director. She worked tirelessly to help women in need and believed women had the right to choose what was best for them. Even though she was uneasy with the financial pushing for abortions by Planned Parenthood, she stayed on to ensure that women in crisis were helped in any way possible.

That all changed one day when she was asked to hold the ultrasound wand and witness first hand a 13 week baby being aborted through the ultrasound screen. From that day on her heart was changed and she began to realize she had to leave Planned Parenthood. She found refuge in a group that had been praying at the fence of the clinic since her first day as a volunteer. This group was called Coalition for Life.

The book was amazing and inspirational. I wasn't expecting anything less. Abby's story is so full of courage and strength. But what really got me thinking was the group Coalition for Life. Abby's book is full of stories of those people praying at the fence and calling out to women with love to tell them there are other choices. She talks about the 40 Days for Life event that started right there at the fence of her clinic.

I am pro-life. All the way. I'm not "kind of" pro-life thinking it's OK for a woman to get an abortion if she was raped or if the baby will have Down Syndrome or some other life-altering condition or if the woman's life is in danger. I'm also fully against the death penalty and torture. But would you know that by looking at my Facebook page or even my blog which is a little more "protected" against people who would disagree with me?

No.

I think I have mentioned this in a post before, but the reason I don't go all pro-life is because I know there are women who could read what I am writing or posting and become upset because they have had abortions. Cowardly of me? Yes. But these women may be hurting and I don't want to add to that hurt. But another reason I don't post pro-life stuff is because I know there are many people out there that are pro-abortion and will challenge me on my beliefs. Cowardly? Yes, times a million.

But part of me wonders if I would even have the courage to pray at an abortion clinic. No sign, no t-shirt- just stand and pray. I think I would even be too afraid to do that. I've heard of too many stories where the clinic workers, patients, and family members of patients hassle the people praying. It's not that I would be embarrassed to be seen there. I just wouldn't want to deal with someone challenging me.

Last Friday my dad unexpectedly came to visit. Joe was napping so there wasn't a lot of distraction. Without distraction my dad likes to veer the conversation into his two favorite topics- politics and religion. He is way out in left field on both topics.

Politics I can deal with. I despise politics, hate talking about them, hate election years, but that is because of the massive disrespect, arrogance and discord it causes among our nation. But I am neither conservative or liberal, so you can bash whoever because I pretty much think that politicians are like butt holes- we need them, but they are full of poop. So I pretty much zoned out when he was talking about how evil conservatives are and how they are ruining the United States.

But then he drifted on the subject of religion. There is no way I could zone out when my dad is going off on an array of topics such as: God is a loving God... he wouldn't create hell, so there is no hell; The Bible is not true; Jesus never said you had to believe in him to go to heaven; How he (my dad) doesn't believe in the Resurrection or miracles; How he was fed "bullshit" by his parents in regards to religion (his father, my grandfather, was a Protestant preacher and one of my most amazing men I have never known. Joe was named after him.); sexuality isn't connected to religion and how he is an agnostic and how there was no such thing as subjective truth. There were many other things that he ranted about, but one that bothered me was the fact that he doesn't like it when religious people "push" their beliefs on others, especially in regards to same-sex couples getting married and a woman's right to choose.

He's gone off on these tangents before. I did interject a few times on the hell subject, but that was about it. I just nodded my head and gritted my teeth. Conversations like these make me want to drink copious amounts of alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. They physically and emotionally drain me. But I have a toddler to distract me and it was a Friday, so Ryan and I got to relax and watch a movie later that evening. I got my mind off of the crapbag of a conversation I had with my father.

However, at around 3:00 in the morning Joe woke up and I nursed him. He quickly fell back asleep but I was wide freakin' awake. The words my dad had spoke just ran through me. All I could think about was how I didn't speak up. I was a theology major and I didn't know how to respond. It was as if all those classes, papers, exams, book reading- it had all melted out of my brain. My dad's bogus arguments didn't bother me, it was the fact that I didn't say anything at all.

I laid there in bed for about two hours just thinking about why I don't speak up on anything. I very rarely call anyone out for being rude and disrespectful. I don't defend my beliefs. I don't even share them, really. I finally came up with three major reasons I keep quiet.

1. I don't want to offend people and I have this unhealthy desire for people to like me.

I know I am easily offended when people post that parents who immunize their children are poisoning them. I get offended when people write that people against same-sex marriage are homophobes. I get offended when people write that conservatives are a bunch of right-wing religious nut jobs. So I don't write anything that might offend someone. People carry deep wounds. We don't always know what is going on in their lives. I never want to cause people to hurt. I don't want to come across as arrogant.

I am sure there are old friends of mine that think I am kind of nutso for embracing my Catholic faith because I was NOTHING like that when I was younger. I cringe at the thought of my hometown acquaintances laughing and talking behind my back because I don't use birth control and how I think that sex should be reserved for marriage. That goes for my family as well. I want people to like me. Isn't that pathetic? But Jesus didn't say if you follow him everything would be hunky dory. You will make enemies. You will lose friends.

It is really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you CAN be friends with someone who has the complete opposite beliefs and views as you. My old college roommate is a die-hard Republican. Her statuses often reflect that. There is one woman who always either semi-makes fun of my former roomie for her beliefs or straight out starts to debate. One time I came to my friend's defense. I was so mad at this other chick for being so rude. I privately messaged my roommate and she responded with an "LOL." The girl who made these comments was a good friend of hers. She was just a die-hard Democrat and they didn't agree on anything politically or morally for that matter, but they still hung out and had fun together. I have heard lots of people where their best friend is on the complete opposite side in regards to politics and religion. But then I see examples like my father who basically will have nothing to do with his own brother because he is "too conservative." Some people can overcome their differences. Sometimes those differences can destroy relationships. It's a slippery slope.

I really admire those people who have a brave attitude and don't care about what others think. There are people who state their beliefs in a respectful way. If I don't agree I just read it and move on. I have lots of friends who post pro-life stuff and religious statuses and they never have anyone heckle them. Either all their friends think the same way they do, or they word their statuses in a way that doesn't invite hatred.

2. I am a coward and I don't want to look stupid.

I don't post stuff because I am a coward. Plain and simple. I don't want to invite debate because I don't want to debate at all. I'm afraid I won't be able to explain my position clearly. I can't find the right words sometimes. And let's face it- explaining religious beliefs isn't easy. It can be very complex especially if you are talking to someone who doesn't believe in certain things such as subjective truth or the Bible. I've seen people's status updates get 50+ comments from someone who just keeps arguing and throwing out random facts. It gets dizzying-ly complicated.

I am a part of a Mommy Group on Facebook and a girl I went to high school with asked for some birth control advice. She got plenty of suggestions. I thought about suggesting Natural Family Planning or Fertility Awareness Method. I didn't even have to go into the religious aspects of it, I could have just talked about how detrimental contraceptives are to a woman's health and well being, because there is medical proof in that. But did I? Of course not. I didn't want to look like a kook. I didn't want to start a debate. I am a bonafied scaredy cat.

I am truly a coward because my hands start sweating and my heart beats really fast when I am faced with a possible debate. In the instinctive fight or flight response I flee. I run as fast as I can. Miles and miles away. Then I hide myself.

If I do write a comment on someone else's Facebook status and stand up for myself or defend something I believe in (even something as stupid as Twilight) I won't read what other people say after me. I'm afraid of what they will have written about my comment.

Another reason I don't like to debate is because I am afraid I will get some fact wrong. Or that the person I am discussing a topic with will twist my words or twist the whole argument in a new direction. When it comes to philosophical arguments I am clueless. I wish I could be like this guy and really know how to debate with logic and calmness.




This is a long video but very interesting.

3. My emotions get in the way.

During the few times I did speak up to my dad I felt like it wasn't me talking. It was like someone took out my tongue and I was possessed with the mental capacity of a rock.

When people disagree with me and are even the slightest bit disrespectful I get MAD. Like Incredible Hulk mad. I cannot control my emotions and they show through since I am such a sensitive person. When I feel like I am being personally attacked I get VERY VERY defensive and start to get irrational. When I get mad then the inevitable happens- I cry. Then I get even more mad that I am crying. So then it's game over, epic fail for apologetics and evangelization.

Sometimes it is hard to talk politics and religion because some people are so so stubborn that they won't listen to any opposing side. They accuse others of being "close minded" but they are guilty of that themselves. Sometimes they bring out such outlandish comments that it seems like a huge waste of time. So when someone is stubborn and won't listen I get frustrated. It turns into a "Why won't you just listen to me?!" sort of argument, an argument that is need of being "won" and that is never a good tactic.

I can't take criticism. I take things too personally. I wish I could be like Simcha Fisher, the Archbold brothers at CMR and Bad Catholic and be able to take on troll-like comments. But I suppose it is different when you don't know those people who make mean and hurtful comments. It's probably easier to shrug off.

I wish I could be like my friends who post their anti-vax posts and Occupy protest articles. Because even though I vehemently disagree with them at least they have the courage to post it and take any criticism that comes their way.

************

I know there is a right way and a wrong way to express my beliefs. We must do all things in love. Sometimes the things we might post about religion may not seem like they were written with charity. It might appear as though we are trying to look holier than thou and condemn others. But I think most of my friends who do write this stuff, this stuff being the same stuff I believe in, are doing it out of love. Of course we should always be mindful of how we word things. That goes for everything in Internetlandia.

The way I try to express my beliefs is to practice what I preach. I am against birth control, so I use NFP. I think it is extremely important to go to Church so I participate in the Mass every Sunday. I show my beliefs by practicing them and if someone were to come up to me and ask, "So WHY don't you use birth control, you weirdo?" I would be more comfortable in answering them.

I have written before that nothing good in this life is easy. Parenthood and marriage aren't easy. It isn't easy to be Christian. It sometimes isn't easy to stand up for what you believe in. If it were easy they would call it, "Sitting down for your beliefs." (OK, I know that was stupid.) But the good things in life really are worth the effort and courage it takes to take part in them.

G.K. Chesterton once said, "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."

I want to be that living thing. I want to be that light of love to others. I want to bring truth. I want to please God. But it sure is hard when I am such a coward.

When They Come A Knockin'

When I was in high school a classmate of mine listed of names of girls she wouldn't want to mess with. My cousin, my best friend and I were on that list. Now, please don't think we were bullies- pushing down small people, smoking in the bathroom, giving wedgies or spreading false gossip. We were good girls, goodie two-shoes and honor roll students. I guess we just exuded confidence and acted all tough.

Well that classmate of mine probably wouldn't put me on that list now, because I am a pansy.

I saw a strange car pull up in front of my house and two women got out. They had backpacks and were wearing long black skirts. "Oh noooooooo!!! They are either Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons!" I thought. I didn't have time to think. I have always heard of missionaries going door-to-door, but I have never ever had to deal with a situation like this!

They knocked on the door and I couldn't hide because they had seen me through our front window. I opened the door to two very young, pretty girls- probably college age.

They asked me if I had ever heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I said yes. They asked me if I knew about Jesus Christ and his Gospel. I pointed to the large crucifix in our living room and said yes. They giggled in surprise. Then I said, "We're devout Catholics, so I'm not really interested in hearing what you have to say." As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. They sounded so mean. Yeah, they are the truth, but I could have said it in a more charitable way. I mean these people walk door to door in the cold, probably get cursed at, made fun of, doors slammed in their face, and they are all doing it because they truly believe they are doing the right thing. They believe what they are doing is good. They do it for Jesus. I immediately apologized. I told them I didn't mean to sound rude. They smiled and said I wasn't and then asked if there was anything they could do for our family. Then they left. Thankfully Joe was in my arms so he broke up the awkwardness.

I know some people invite missionaries in and debate theology. Some people agree to take a pamphlet if they can give the missionaries a pamphlet of their own denomination. Some people hide or say, "No thanks," and slam the door.

How do you deal with missionaries of different denominations when they come knocking at your door? Are you rude? How do you treat them with kindness? Do you take this opportunity to share your own denomination's beliefs?


In closing I would like to share a joke with you that my Uncle Alan has recently told my family:

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said, "Come in and sit down."

When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Darned if I know, I've never got this far before!"

I See Jesus!

Every once in awhile I will come across an article on the Internet with the title "Man Finds Hope After Seeing Image of Jesus in Toast." These are the things in life that make you go, "Huh?" I actually always get a kick out of stuff like this. Jesus appearing in the form of a Cheeto? An image of our Blessed Mother on a Dolce and Gabbana purse? God works in mysterious ways...

I recently came across a book called "Look! It's Jesus!" and it is a bunch of pictures of food and other random objects with supposed images of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and even Moses (I personally thought that one looked like Noah, but that's just me.) The book is a hoot! Some of the images were crazy difficult to make out. There was an image of Jesus in a guitar and I looked and looked and still couldn't see it. The food images were the best. I am definitely not one to examine my food before I eat it to see if there is some holy image. I don't stop and think, "Is Jesus in my spaghetti?" and look diligently for his blessed face. The only thing I say before I eat is, "Mmmm... yum!" before I start scarfing it down like Homer Simpson.

Like I said, I always get a kick out of these situations. It's fun to see what crazy object Jesus will "appear" on next. The even funnier thing is to see how much that object or food item will go for on Ebay.

All this "seeing Jesus in a nacho chip" got me thinking. We are supposed to see Jesus in everyone. Even Mother Teresa said, "I see God in everyone." Look in the Bible. Jesus himself tells us that we should see him in everyone we see. "The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.'" (Matthew 25:40) Sigh... My path to sainthood is doomed because I see more of Jesus in an Arby's curly fry than I do in that mean lady who cuts in front of me at the grocery store and gives me the stink eye or my neighbor that wakes me up at 7:15 a.m. to work on his 3-wheeler (yeah, I'm still not quite over that one yet.)

Not to get all happy-clappy, Kumbaya-ish on you all, but sometimes it is easier for me to see Jesus in nature than in my neighbor. It's not a bad thing to see God's amazing glory in an awesome sunset or a beautiful lake scene; it's just that God made human beings to be a greater good than nature.

We are supposed to see Christ in everyone we meet. It is a good thing to see God in all his majesty when we walk out in nature. It's an amusing thing to see Jesus in a Snickers candy bar. But I believe the most important place to see Christ is in our own lives. He should be front and center in all we do. I love reading this particular part of St. Patrick's Breastplate:

Christ be with me, Christ be within me

Christ behind me, Christ before me

Christ beside me, Christ to win me

Christ to comfort and restore me.

Christ beneath me, Christ above me

Christ in quiet, Christ in danger

Christ in hearts of all who love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I encourage you to read the rest of this beautiful prayer. It is truly beautiful.

A long time ago, I used to feel a little uncomfortable when I would hear people say they loved God more than their own family or friends. Sure, I thought God was supposed to be an important part of one's life, but I thought their sentiments were a little extreme. It took me awhile before it dawned on me- without God we wouldn't have our families. We wouldn't have our friends. We wouldn't have our boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses. We wouldn't have our community or homes. We wouldn't have the good things in life (laughter, love, passion, memories, sun light, an ice-cold beer, a good book, a comfy sweatshirt... ) We wouldn't have our existence. Shouldn't we honor our Creator and thank him for all he has given us? Shouldn't we make him a part of the rest of the good things in our life?

I need to work on seeing Jesus in everybody. I need to work on seeing him in my life, even when he seems far away. OK... and maybe I should forgive my neighbor already for disturbing my sleep! I'm a work in progress!

How Jesus Showed Me His True Presence

I have mentioned before how naive I used to be regarding the teachings of the Catholic Church. I'm not kidding here, folks. When I was in high school, I believed that the little white circle called communion (the word Eucharist was far from my vocabulary at that point) was a symbol of Jesus. I actually believed that was what the Catholic Church taught.

I wonder how I could have possibly come to that conclusion, because now when I go back to my hometown, the priest (who is the same priest I had in high school) talks frequently about Christ's true presence in communion. How could I have missed that in high school? Sigh... I think I remember how. During the homily my mind would often wander. "I can't wait to go to home to take a nap. I wonder what my boyfriend is doing. I wonder what is for lunch. What outfit should I wear tomorrow? Shoot, I have a quiz I need to study for. I can't wait to take a nap. I can't wait to talk to my boyfriend, it's been 10 hours since I've last talked to him. I can't waaaaaaaaaait to take a nap!" Before I knew it the homily was over and it was time to stand. When we would get in line for communion I thought it was just like any other part of the Mass, like the sign of peace or the offering. No biggie, nothing special.

Fast forward a couple years to my spiritual growth spurt. I actually started to read the "why's" behind all the unique things Catholics did. It was like being hit in the head with a grace-filled hammer. Holy moly I had missed out on so many awesome things the Catholic Church had to offer! One of the biggies- the Eucharist- that little circle bread that I thought was a symbol of Jesus actually was Jesus. His body, blood, soul and divinity were contained in that little piece of bread.

***I'm not very good at explaining the theology or apologetics behind the true presence of Christ in the Eucharist. If any of you are interested in learning what Catholics believe I suggest picking up or going online to the Catechism of the Catholic Church and read paragraphs 1322-1372. Scott Hahn, a former Protestant minister, wrote a really good book about the Mass in general called The Lamb's Supper. This post isn't to bring up the debate of Jesus truly being present in the Eucharist. However, there are a few things I have total and complete faith in- God, the Catholic Church, the Eucharist, my marriage and duct tape. I will have to pull on my Chuck Norris boots if you fight me on any of these topics. :-)***

I read these things about Jesus in the Eucharist and as strange as it all seemed, I believed it. Jesus is God, but also man. He walked on water. He multiplied food to feed thousands. Jesus is known to do things out of the ordinary. Suddenly all the guidelines I had heard in passing regarding communion made sense. So that's why you are supposed to fast one hour before receiving communion- the Creator of the Universe should have sole residence in your body. He doesn't want to share your Cheerios. So that's why you should be free of serious sin before you take communion- our bodies should be pure vessels if Jesus' actual presence will be inside us.

I accepted all this, but it still didn't quite "click." That was until I went to Adoration.

My Uncle Alan did business in Atchison while I was living there. He'd usually take me out for dinner and daily Mass the next morning. One time he suggested we go to Adoration, and I had no clue what that was. I had come across it in my reading, but never bothered to look into it. He took me to St. Benedict's- the church I always went to. We went behind the main altar and a new little world appeared to me. There were about 5 or 6 pews facing the back side of the altar. On that altar sat a beautiful golden object with a communion host (the Body of Christ) stuck right in the middle. I learned later that this object is called a monstrance. (The picture below is a monstrance. The circle in the middle, surrounded by the red jewels is where the communion host goes.)



Alan had explained to me beforehand that since the Body of Christ wasn't hidden in the tabernacle like we usually see during Mass that we were to really show the upmost respect. Instead of the usual one-kneed genuflect, he got down on both knees and made a very reverent bow. This was something I had never seen, but since Jesus was exposed, and he is King of the Universe, then bowing only made sense. We sat in the pews. There were quite a few other people there. Some were praying rosaries, others were reading their Bible. Some were just silent in prayer. I didn't really know what to do. "Hey, Jesus, how's it going?" is all my silly little mind could think up. We sat there for awhile and left. I never had experienced anything like it.

I went home and did a little more research on this whole adoration thing. Some Churches have the Blessed Sacrament exposed (the monstrance thingy) just once a week or once a month for a couple hours. St. Benedict's offers what they call Perpetual Adoration. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every single day of the year the monstrance is exposed and there is someone scheduled to always be present with Jesus. If you needed some one-on-one prayer time with Jesus at 4:00 in the morning you could mosey on over to St. Benedict's where someone would let you in. My Uncle Dave used to do the 5:00 a.m. Holy Hour regularly at his parish in Omaha.

I was intrigued by this adoration thing, so I started going back somewhat regularly. I would go after daily Mass or in between classes. The monstrance was beautiful to look at and the architecture was beautiful. Seeing all the different people come in was interesting as well. There were little old ladies and old men. Priests and nuns. There were young mothers who would bring their sleeping babes with them (oh how beautiful to see a mother and child in the presence of Christ!) Of course there were tons of college students that would visit Jesus. Sometimes all the pews would be filled with young people. If there were no seats available some people would pray on their knees on the hard floor the entire time. It was a nice quiet place to meditate, but I never really "felt" anything.

One day I went in to the adoration chapel and every pew was filled except the very front. I reluctantly sat in that pew. I know Jesus is a good guy, but it was still very intimidating to have that monstrance mere feet away from my face. I didn't have some one's weird sweater pattern or hair style to zone out on. I wasn't in a position to peek over some one's shoulder to see what book they were reading or what color their rosary was. It was just Jesus and me- face to face.

My mind started to wander. I started to study the beautiful monstrance. Suddenly I remembered where I had seen one before- at my very own hometown church. Fr. Reginald would expose the monstrance twice a year after Mass- once during Lent and the other during Advent. He also exposes it during Stations of the Cross on Lenten Friday nights, but I was always much "too cool" to go to Church on a Friday night. But I do remember those times after Mass where no closing hymn was sung and he'd place the monstrance on the altar. Then he would proceed directly toward the confessional. A small group of us would go to confession. (I was always grudgingly a part of this group because if I didn't go, my mom would give me the classic "you better go to confession, or else!" look.) But everyone else would make a mass exodus for the door. If I could have, I would have been one of them.

I remember sitting in the back pew and waiting for my turn in the confessional and the Church would be empty. I remember looking up at that monstrance and not thinking anything of it. Suddenly, as I was sitting in adoration, face to face with Jesus I imagined back to my high school days, the empty church, the communion host exposed and instead of the monstrance there was a gigantic resplendent throne and instead of the communion host, there was Christ himself. He had his arms wide open, welcoming everyone to him. To talk with him, to cry with him, to take their troubles to him, to laugh with him. He was waiting there for the parishioners of my hometown church, but everyone had left him. Everyone had better things to do than to spend even 10 minutes with Jesus. But no matter how long it took, Jesus was waiting there with arms wide open. He would never put them down. He would never stop waiting there for us.

How many times had I ignored Jesus' open embrace throughout my life? "Sorry Jesus, I'd love to spend some time at Mass with you, but I'd rather sleep in." "Sorry Jesus, I'd love to pray to you, but I have a movie to go to with friends." "Sorry Jesus, I'd love to read your Word in Scripture, but I'd rather read this People magazine instead."

As I sat there in Adoration thinking on all this, I started to sob. Jesus has given me so much- my life, my family, my friends.. and I kept leaving him time after time. Now I was thankful I was up in the front pew so no one could the tears run down my cheek. I turned around to see if the chapel was still packed, but the only person there was the little old lady who had the 2:00 p.m. Holy Hour. She gave me a warm smile and returned to praying her rosary. I had no clue how long I had been there.

I had already had my spiritual growth spurt, but it was this experience that solidified my commitment to God. This wasn't just another spiritual "high" I was going through, like I had so many times before in my life. This wasn't some church-of-what's-happening-now feeling.. with the latest music, the best light show, the most dynamic preacher- this was CHRIST himself revealing his love for me.

I left that chapel a new person.

Now I wish more than anything there was a church nearby that offered perpetual adoration. I highly suggest that if you are lucky enough to have an adoration chapel nearby to visit it. Even if you are clueless as to what to do, just go and sit with Jesus.

Satan: He's a Smooth Operator

I love scary movies. Well, I guess I should say I used to love scary movies. I still enjoy them, but it seems the movies they come out with nowadays have A) way too much graphic violence and sex or B) stupid, corny plots. It has been quite awhile since I've watched a good quality scary movie. Oh well.

However, there is one type of scary movie that scares the living crud out of me, and that is movies about Satan and demonic possession. After watching movies like that I practically sleep with the lights on with a rosary around my neck. Why do I freak out so much? Because evil like that actually exists. A man that kills you in your dreams (Freddy Krueger)... not so much.

Many times when we think of Satan we think of a very scary being. We think of a black-eyed demon, a gigantic monster with fire and a pitchfork, or a giant dragon. We think of death, decay, darkness and ugliness. We want to stay away from such unpleasantries. Because of all these horrid things it is easy for us to say we reject Satan and all his works.

However, that isn't always how Satan works. He knows that if he always portrays himself as scary and evil then it will be much harder to tempt us into sin. He disguises his ugliness into beauty- his evil into goodness.

That is one reason I enjoy the book The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. The book contains letters written by a senior demon named Screwtape to his nephew Wormwood, a demon-in-training. The letters contain advice on how to get Wormwood's "Patient" (an ordinary British man) to turn away from God and to enter into Satan's service.

Screwtape doesn't advise using the usual diabolical and wicked ways of tempting the Patient into evil. Instead he says, "...the safest path to hell is the gradual one." The way to do that is to be cunning, to confuse and corrupt.

A couple months ago my brother wrote an excellent post on how we must always be aware that the devil is among us and the slight, cunning ways he uses to tempt us. He tempts us by believing we have the right to make up our own truths, by putting doubts in our minds about the Truth God has revealed, and even by making us think that He, the Devil, doesn't exist and neither does Hell.

Satan also tempts us by turning what is beautiful into something ugly. It is hard to picture Satan being beautiful. But we have to remember that he was an angel, one of God's most glorious creations, before he turned wicked. There is a Bible passage in Ezekiel that is used to describe the evil King of Tyre, but is more commonly attributed to Satan:

"And the word of the Lord came to me, saying: Son of man, take up a lamentation upon the king of Tyre: And say to him: Thus says the Lord God: You were the seal of resemblance, full of wisdom, and perfect in beauty. You were in the pleasures of the paradise of God: every precious stone was your covering: the sardius, the topaz, and the jasper, the chrysolite, and the onyx, and the beryl, the sapphire, and the carbuncle, and the emerald: gold the work of your beauty: and your pipes were prepared in the day that you were created. You a cherub stretched out, and protecting, and I set you in the holy mountain of God, you have walked in the midst of the stones of fire. You were perfect in your ways from the day of your creation, until iniquity was found in you." - Ezekiel 28: 11-15

Think about the good and beautiful things in life that Satan has warped. For example: sex. Sex is an awesome and holy thing. (If you just read the Bible and read some writings of the popes regarding sex, you will learn that Catholics love sex. Hard to believe, I know... but it's better to go straight to the source rather than lame-stream media or to people who don't know what they are talking about.) God made sex to be amazing. If having sex was like clipping one's toenails then His whole command of "Be fruitful and multiply" might not have panned out.

But look at how Satan using our Fallen Nature has warped the beautiful act of sex. Now having sex is more of a means of getting pleasure for oneself rather than giving your whole being to your beloved. Sex has ripped apart marriages and families because of extramarital affairs. Sex has ripped apart the self-worth of a woman when a man rapes her. Sex has also confused young men and women when they engage in sex at young ages with multiple partners. It shouldn't be like that.

Look at the good of food. We need food for survival. And God has given us delicious food so that we can enjoy it. But Satan whispers in our ear that we can become gluttons. Who cares if we become obese and start suffering from life-threatening diseases as long as we can eat whatever we want, how ever much we want, whenever we want.

Look at the good of money and material things. There is nothing wrong with money as long as we've come into it by working honestly and not stealing it. There is nothing wrong with having a bunch of money as long as we use it to help the poor as well and live in moderation. But the good of money is probably one of the easiest things Satan can tempt us in. Golly, I've been working so hard, I think I deserve to replace our old car, even though it still works perfectly fine. But the wife and I have been thinking about having another baby. But man... a new car would be so nice right now. Having a few extra bucks after paying the bills would be wonderful. I think having just a little bit of financial abundance would be more beneficial to us than bringing a new soul into the world. Finances and material things can sometimes cause a shift in priorities.

Money has caused greed, wars, murder. It has caused jealousy and malice. Food and gluttony has caused life-ending diseases and yet there are still people in this world dying of starvation. Sex can cause unspeakable emotional and physical damage. Just like the Devil may be beautiful on the outside, his inner being is twisted and corrupt. He does this to the good things in life. He can make the beautiful and good things of sex, money, food, etc. into twisted and dark aspects of our lives.

So yes, we need to be vigilant, like my brother writes about. We should use wisdom and prudence to avoid the dark and dangerous. We should also use that wisdom and prudence to really know and understand the good things in life and to keep them good instead of letting Satan tempt and befuddle us.

Most importantly of all, we should always rely on the goodness and Truth God has revealed to us. We should rely on the protection of His love and the protection of the angels and saints in heaven. It is His purpose that we are happy, loved and safe... and at peace.

Love Thy Neighbor: "But Do I Have To?!"

This pregnancy has served me up a nice concoction of hormones. This lovely cocktail has brought out some crazy mood swings. One minute I'm a happy goofball. Five minutes later I'm snapping at my husband for no good reason, he offers to get out the Holy Water to sprinkle on me, then I burst into tears that my husband thinks I'm Satan in bodily form.

I'm finding lately that I get even more easily annoyed than I did before I was pregnant. What really annoys me is inconsiderate people. You know, that woman who you hold a door open for and she doesn't say thank you. Or that dad in the Wal-Mart checkout line who lets his kid throw grapes at your head and says, "He's going to be a Major League pitcher, ain't he?"

So what is it that has really, really, really, really been annoying me? My neighbors. I've mentioned before that I live in a four-plex and the people in the other apartments are all related to each other.

Ryan and I get along with our neighbors. But it's the little things they do that drive me nuts. Wearing steel-toed boots and POUNDING up and down the stairs in the morning. It is so loud it has waken me up at 8:00 a.m. and has confused my doggie (he thinks it is someone knocking at our door so he starts barking and growling.)

They slam their front doors numerous times a day. They fight outside our apartment. They ride their wake-the-dead-they're-so-loud go-karts around the perimeter of the apartment. They play their ghetto hip-hop music and the bass carries to our apartment so loud we can barely hear our TV. One of them has been arrested for drunk driving and drugs and spent a week in jail. There are many other things that drive me crazy, but I'll stop the list here, lest y'all think I'm a complainer. :-)

Some of you might be thinking, "Gee... how come you haven't high-tailed it out of there?!" Others might be thinking, "You need to get over it. It could be a lot worse. Be thankful you have a home to live in. Be thankful you live in a safe town and not some hood where everyday you walk out the door you face the risk of getting shot."

There are many times I'm thinking the former of the above statements. "Poor me." But then I open my eyes, realize that darn, pesky Original Sin is distorting my reason and judgement, and I start to realize the latter of the above statements is what I should be thinking.

But that's not all I should be thinking. I shouldn't just grin and bear all the annoying things. I should love.

When the rich man comes to Jesus and asks what he must do to have eternal life, Jesus says to keep the commandments. When the young man asks "Which commandments?" one of the answers is, ".... you shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 19:16-19)

Sigh... so that means I can't say "I love my neighbors" and then turn around to my husband and say, "They annoy the living poo outta me." I wouldn't want someone saying that about me.

What makes it worse is that as much as I complain, our neighbors are so charitable and kind to us. Whenever we have asked to do laundry at their place they have never said no. When I went to take Chandler out to potty one of them stopped me and expressed how happy she was that I am pregnant again and how sorry she was to hear about me losing our first baby. They have helped us out numerous times without even thinking of what's in it for them. Then the guilt creeps in.....

There is always going to be someone who drives us crazy or makes our lives miserable. There is the supervisor that we are convinced hates us and we are tempted to spit in their food. There is the family member that seems hell-bent on controlling our lives or be mean to us and we would just rather not show up to the family reunions. There is the lady that is standing in front of you at the "10 Items or Less" register at the grocery store and you know there is at least 30 items in her shopping cart, but she doesn't seem to care that there are six people behind her carrying toilet paper or just a jar of pickles in their hands and that's all. There is that good friend who is so sarcastic you often wonder if they are kidding around, or if they really are that mean.

Why are we supposed to love others who we'd rather hate? Why does Jesus demand so much from us? I'm sure there is some great theological answer out there that would blow our minds. But I like to keep things simple.

Jesus is God. God is love. God loves us and wants what is best for us. Really, He does! He's that Ultimate Parent- when we whine, "But do I hafta?!" He says, "Yes, because I know what is best for you." And then we stomp off and pout, because deep down we know He is right. Do we really want to go through life harboring resentment and anger towards others? Many times we do, just simply because it is easier. It is easier to focus on others' annoying habits or bad deeds rather than focus on our own shortcomings. Believe me... I'm sure I have some habits that annoy the living poo out of my neighbors, but it is so much easier not to think of that.

But we all know, that when we find the strength and wisdom to look past the annoying things of our neighbors and focus on the good.... well that makes life a whooooooole lot better.

This is one big thing I need to work on spiritually. The next time I find myself getting annoyed, angry or irritated, I'm going to try my hardest to smile and go above and beyond to be nice. I think I need to make the Beatles' song "All You Need is Love" as the soundtrack to my life! I'll try to keep the Darth Pregger in me from emerging so often!

Have You Hugged an Atheist Today?

Here is something I have always found interesting/entertaining- according to some Christian denominations both atheists and Catholics are going to hell. We "Whores of Babylon" and those "Deniers of Christ" have a one-way ticket to that burning inferno. Maybe it is this line of thinking, plus the fact that I have a couple friends and family members who are atheist, that causes me to look at atheists with lenses of love rather than lenses of condemnation and hate.

While I lived in Maryville, I had a very good friend who was an atheist. He was one of the nicest, funniest people I knew. Although we've grown apart he taught me a lot of what it means to be a Christian in a world where not everyone shares my beliefs.

When I was attending Benedictine, he and I exchanged a few emails. Since I was beginning to grow in my spirituality I asked him why he was atheist. He emailed me back a very long and detailed letter of why. There were the typical reasons I had heard before: the Bible is a fake. If God is so good, why is there evil in this world? There are too many "man-made rules." I had to admit that these thoughts had popped into my head more than once, but I took the time to learn about these topics and realized that by using logic and faith that these arguments weren't rational and just didn't hold up.

However there was one point he made that really struck me. He said that one reason he wasn't Christian was because there were people around him that declared themselves "devout Christians" were anything but. They went to Church every Sunday but they were cheating on their wives, drinking every night, cheating other people, lying, and were just plain uncharitable.

Now there was something I couldn't refute.

I am not making excuses for my friend, but I can see his point in why it is hard to want to be a Christian when there are other Christians around that are hypocrites or who teach false teaching.

Maybe this is my Pollyanna, can't-we-all-just-get-along, Miss America "I want world peace" view of the world that makes me want approach atheists with love and tenderness. Will an atheist want to learn anything about God when we are condemning them left and right and cramming religion down their throats? I doubt it. Will they want to learn about God when they see someone genuinely happy and joyous by following God's will and following Christ's commandment of "love you neighbor as yourself"? Perhaps...

I had a Theology professor at Benedictine who told us that we shouldn't be quick to assume that all atheists were going to hell. There could be many atheists who have a better chance of getting to Heaven over those of us who have all the tools of salvation. He mentioned what my atheist friend had written about in his email- many people may be atheist due to hypocritical Christians or because they have been misinformed of Christian teaching.

That being said, I will say that I have a low tolerance for those atheists that try and tear God out of every sphere of human living. I can't stand those atheists who think Christians are un-educated and superstitious. They post offensive writings and create sacrilegious works of art. Sometimes I wonder if these people really don't believe in God. They seem to believe in God, but they just hate Him SO much they don't want anyone to know Him. We as Christians have the right to defend our beliefs. They need to realize that most Christians who try to evangelize to them are doing it out of genuine love. We want our atheists brothers and sisters to be happy to their fullest extent.

The door swings both ways when it comes to being charitable. If Christians are supposed to be kind and compassionate toward atheists, then atheists should also show that same courtesy. If the mantra of the atheist way of life is to "be a good person" then shouldn't atheists refrain from being rude and obstinate toward Christians? Pride caused the fall of human nature. I believe pride gets in the way of charitable dialogue between Christians and atheists. A Christian "wants to be right" and "prove a point." An atheist refuses to be open minded and learn about what all this God stuff is about.

We as Christians should be loving toward everyone, and that includes people who have different beliefs. We should be careful to examine our own way of living before we condemn others.

On an end note, I just have to say that the Christians I most admire are those who were former atheists. Their spiritual life and the lessons they teach are so rich, full of Truth and simply beautiful! I know of an atheist who is in the formation process of becoming a priest. Jennifer Fulwiler writes a beautiful blog called "Conversion Diary." She was a former atheist who describes her past way of thinking as "vocally anti-Christian." I have learned so much from those people who used to be atheist.

"But the Catholic Church is Boooooooring...."

I was honored to volunteer for this year's National Catholic Youth Conference held in Kansas City and was excited to hang out with my brother. We listened to some speakers, visited some expo booths, walked in a Eucharistic procession and basically witnessed 20,000+ teens on fire for the faith.

It was an amazing experience and my brother pretty much took the words right out of my mouth in his blog post of fourteen things that were amazing about NCYC. It was quite clear and obvious that the teens there were excited about being Catholic.

However, of course, there were kids there that had a bit of a lackluster attitude. During the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament there were kids there that didn't kneel, that were sleeping, or simply sitting there with a comatose "ZzzZzzzzzzZZZZ" look on their face. Hello people! That's JESUS UP THERE!!! Do they realize this? Probably not. Do they realize that while participating in the Mass that Heaven and Earth are connected and we are in the presence of all the angels and saints and God Himself? Probably not. Do they realize the amazing graces they receive in the Sacraments? Probably not. They see the Church as boring.

The nature of being a teen has a lot to do with this lack of knowledge of the Catholic Church. However I have seen this attitude in adults as well. There are adults that leave the Catholic Church for a Protestant church or stop participating because they feel the Church "doesn't do anything for them." It's boring. Just a bunch of pomp. The music makes you want to snooze. Catholic weddings and funerals are too long and emotion-less. Too much external stuff (kneeling, genuflecting, candles, incense.) Not enough spiritual content.

I will admit there was a time I felt this too. I went into a big church with all those saint statues looking down on me and I felt like such a horrible sinner. I felt like the paintings of Popes were looking down on me saying, "You better get on your knees and pray little girl!" I felt an emptiness in the Catholic Church. I wanted Mass to get over with because I was bored beyond belief. I knew there were resources to learn more about the Church, but basically was too lazy to take the time to read them or I was worried I wouldn't understand what the heck the authors were talking about.

Finally during my spiritual growth spurt I started to learn about what the Church was really about. Yes, I read "A Dummy's Guide to the Catholic Church." I read "Why do Catholics Do That?" by Kevin Orlin Johnson. Finally it took a book written by a former Protestant preacher turned Catholic named Scott Hahn to make me really want to learn more about the faith that I had been a part of since I was a newborn. His book "Rome Sweet Home" details his journey of being a proud Protestant, almost a tad little bit anti-Catholic, to how the Bible and other Church writings led him to the Catholic Church. Yes, it was a former Protestant that made me proud to be a Catholic!

This may be a horrible analogy, so bear with me. I think of the Catholic Church like the ocean. Imagine you are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. Sure the waves and the ripples of the surface look interesting, but they don't really do anything for you emotionally. But you have to dive into the ocean to see the real beauty. You have to really learn about the Church to see her true beauty. There are whole mountain ranges down blow the water's surface. There are volcanoes, canyons and ravines. There's amazing plant-life that you will never see on dry land. There are thousands of unique and beautiful animal species that find their home in the sea. There are even species that we don't even know about. The saints, the papacy, the Church teachings, the history- these are gems and treasures of the Church, but instead of looking at them you need to learn about them! Sure gazing down from the boat you can see a little bit, but you have to have faith and take the plunge (sorry I couldn't resist) to see all the awesomeness the Church has. You have to have faith that the Holy Spirit will guide you in your learning. Don't judge the Church by it's cover.

I pray those who have left the Catholic Church know exactly what it is they left. There are those who have done their research and have left, and I respect those who honestly feel that the Holy Spirit is calling them somewhere else. I will never judge those who leave the Church, but I will admit I always get a little sad. But everyone has their own reason, and that's between the Lord and them.

Unfortunately there are those Catholics out there that are a little less than charitable when it comes to dialoguing with our Protestant brothers and sisters and even fellow Catholics. I like to call them "Catholic Puritans" who have no sense of humor and who tell everyone different from they them are going to hell. These are the Catholics who think Christopher West is the devil and give the stink eye if they see someone not going to communion or to a parent who brings in young children. Yes, I am proud to be Catholic, I uphold the Truth, but I like to have fun and be joyous about it. Yes, I like Christian rock. Yes, I like Gregorian Chant. No, I don't think the priest should say "Our Creator" Instead of "Our Father". No, I don't believe children should be left at home or have a Sunday School class during Mass. I think it is about moderation.

The Church can seem boring. That is why I am thankful for programs such as NCYC that ignite the flame. Maybe someone was snoozing during Mass, but hopefully during this past weekend a seed was planted. I'm thankful the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge to learn more about my faith!

A Spiritual Epilogue of My Miscarriage

In my last post I mentioned that I was going through a spiritual dry spell. I won't go into detail, but it got pretty bad. There's nothing worse than feeling depressed, hopeless and in despair of the future (finances, having children, careers) and feeling you can't reach out to God. Talk about feeling completely alone and utterly terrified.

Thankfully, by the grace of God (and I'm sure many prayers) I'm feeling a lot better. I decided to turn to Mary, the Mother of God, for her help. Then the other day I woke up and felt in my heart that everything was going to be OK. My husband and I had a sincere heart to heart and have laid the foundation for our plans for the future. We're not expecting things to get better right away; life may possibly get worse before it gets better, but we feel a great sense of peace.

So that brings me to be able to write more about my miscarriage and how my faith helped me through it.

Just a couple days ago my neighbor had her baby. I looked out the window when they were leaving for the hospital. Jane was standing by the car; her fiance, Shawn, was running back to the apartment and running back with a towel for her to sit on. I guess I should also explain that I live in a four-plex: Jane and Shawn live across from us, Jane's mom and sister live below them, and Jane's grandparents live below Ryan and I. So their whole family was all a buzz with excitement. Grandpa was yelling at Grandma to get in the minivan but she was busy calling relatives. Shawn was a nervous wreck, and Jane's mom was running around with her cell phone to her ear and trying get coats and pillows stuffed in the car. The funny thing was that it appeared that the most calm person in the group was Jane.

I looked on with a feeling of excitement. Jane became pregnant right around the time that Ryan moved into the apartment, so we have been a part of their journey of pregnancy from beginning. There had been some minor complications in her pregnancy so it was good to see that she had made it to term. As they all drove away in separate vehicles down the driveway I became a little sad. Their lives were about to change forever with the arrival of their new daughter. Not too long ago I had visions of what my own baby's delivery would be like.

We found out a couple hours later that there were complications and the baby had to be shipped off to a bigger hospital. Jane didn't even get to hold her baby and had to stay in the hospital due to a lingering fever.

A couple days later the new happy family came home to be together for the first time. We went over to see Jane, Shawn and the new baby. We decided to take our camera and take pictures to document their first day home. The next day we took in our camera card to Wal-Mart to print off the pictures we had taken.

There was a snapshot of all three of them and there was no doubt you could see the joy in their eyes. But then there was one picture of Jane holding her daughter, looking down on her smiling. That was the perfect picture showing what a mother's love and joy looks like. I got tears in my eyes. A couple months ago I would have printed off the picture hastily and been very upset that my chances of looking down on my own son or daughter had been ripped away from me. But instead of those feelings, I felt happiness. Happiness for Jane and her family, but also happiness in knowing that someday I will be a mother as well.

There have been many times in my life where I've run from God when I have had to experience a hardship. Thankfully my pride and stubbornness didn't keep me from begging for God's help during my miscarriage. I clung to Him, ran to Him, begged Him for help.

I knew going to Mass was going to be hard. I was still in pain and was worried that a medical emergency would suddenly occur and I'd faint during Mass. I also knew there were going to be a lot of happy families there. Women rubbing their pregnant bellies, mothers trying to wrangle a wiggly toddler and young children finding a snuggly pillow to rest their heads on their fathers' shoulders.

Despite all these obstacles, I needed to go to Mass. I needed the Word of God for strength. I needed the liturgy and to know that since Mass is literally supposed to be Heaven on Earth that all the angels and saints and my loved ones in heaven were there to comfort me.

Most of all I needed Christ in the Eucharist. My womb was empty and I needed my whole body and soul filled with the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus. Going to Mass brought me great joy and peace.

During all the physical pain I experienced I tried to remember all the pain Jesus suffered on the cross. His suffering, his tears, his pain- it was all for the greater good. I knew that in my own suffering something good could come out of it. I united my suffering with Christ's.

During all my emotional pain I remembered the Scripture reading when Mary and Joseph presented their newborn son Jesus in the Temple. Simeon had a prophesy regarding the future of Christ and in that prophesy he told Mary "...a sword will pierce through your own soul also" (Luke 2:35) When I got the news of my miscarriage I felt like sword had pierced my own soul. Now, I know I shouldn't compare my suffering with Mary's. Her's was much more substantial. However, I chose to imitate her example in following and accepting God's will. No matter how painful or unfair it seemed, I knew that God's plan was the best for us. Of course it didn't make sense, and it never will until (hopefully) the day I get to Heaven. God is all knowing and ALL GOOD so I knew He would take care of us. I could rest assured that Gus was safe and sound in the arms of God.

After the miscarriage was done my emotions were strange. When the doctor first told me the news of course I was devastated, but most of my attention was focuses on "OK, when is this going to start?" When it finally did start my attention was focused on "OK, when is this ordeal going to finally end?" When the miscarriage had completed itself I felt kind of lost- what was I supposed to do next? That's where my faith came in again. I devoted myself to prayer and asked God to guide me in what to do next.

In the following weeks I came across a girl on facebook who had also suffered a miscarriage. I had never met her and really had no idea what made me add her to my facebook months ago. My heart ached for her so I sent her a private message. In my hopes of offering comfort she in turn gave me strength. She explained that her pregnancy as well as mine were "huge successes." I had never thought of it in that way. In all my sorrow I forgot to be grateful that I was able to get pregnant. Just the act of conceiving can be a huge obstacle to some couples. And of course one of the main goals of being a parent is to get your children to heaven. Well, our Gus was of course in heaven which means we have our own little saint in eternal happiness praying for us. What a great success! This tragedy has brought me closer to a sister in Christ, and even if we've never met, I feel that is also a great success.

If I didn't have my Catholic faith to hold on to, I don't know what this experience would have been like. I really don't want to know. We have to remember that children are not a right, they are a gift. God has given me so many gifts- my family, my friends, my husband and my little Gus. And I know someday I will get to experience a mother's joy and happiness when I smile down at my own child.

A Miscarriage Prayer:

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-Mother M. Angelica

A Scripture Reflection

I should keep my laptop right next to my bed, because it seems that I get my greatest blog ideas when I'm getting ready to go to sleep.

Each night I try to read a chapter of the Bible. I'm reading the book of Mark in the Navarre Bible series. I love this series because it has commentary mostly consisting of Church Fathers, popes, and other saints. It really helps me to understand Scripture in a way that is more consistent with how the writers of the Gospels wanted their writings to be understood.

Last night I read Chapter 10 of St. Mark's Gospel. In this chapter is a story we've all heard in other Gospel readings and has been explained in sermons and other devotional material. It's the story of the rich young man. Here is the passage:

And as he was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and

knelt before him, and asked him,

"Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone.

You know the commandments: 'Do not kill, Do not commit adultery,

Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud,

Honour your father and mother.'"

And he said to him, "Teacher, all these I have observed from my youth."

And Jesus looking upon him loved him and said to him,

"You lack one thing; go, sell what you have, and give to the poor,

and you will have treasure in heaven;

and come, follow me.

At that saying his countenance fell, and he went away sorrowful;

for he had great possessions.

-Mark 10: 17-22

Like I've said, I've heard this scripture reading before and heard many Homilies about it. However last night my mind started to wander and reflect on this passage. This may sound corny but I felt a strong pull to put my thoughts into words. But I could barely keep my eyes open and sleep won over my itching to write. I prayed to God to please help me remember what I wanted to write about. I'm sure I'll forget some things, but I'll try my best to clearly explain my thoughts.

My first thought is how Jesus mentions keeping the commandments. The rich man informs Jesus that he does keep the commandments. One thing that caught my attention is that after the rich man said that Scripture reads, "Jesus looked upon him and loved him." I think this shows us that the commandments from the Old Testament were not wiped out by Jesus. Christ says in Matthew 5:17: "Think not that I have come to abolish the law and the prophets; I have come not to abolish them, but to fulfil them." I have a small pillow that has an embroidered message: "The Ten Commandments Are Not Multiple Choice". God, who is not a fickle human being, but who is all powerful and all knowing, did not create the Ten Commandments and other commandments found in the Old Testament only say later, "Eh, these rules don't matter anymore. Just forget them."

We still have to follow the commandments of the Old Testament. Keeping holy the Sabbath is still a rule (and "keeping holy" doesn't mean sleep in and laze around.) It is easy for us to just sigh and complain, "Why did God make all these rules?! Why do we have to go to Church on Sundays?" God didn't make these rules to make us little puppets in his play- they are for our benefit.

Jesus did build on the commandments by adding the Great Commandment. You can find it in Matthew 22: And he said to them, "you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." I don't feel that it is enough to just say "I love God." and leave it at that. We have to show how we love God with our actions. For example, we say "I love my parents." But is just saying we love them enough? Don't we show our love by going to visit them, talk with them frequently, care for them, give thanks to them for giving us life? Well what about God, our Father? Shouldn't we visit him ? (during Church or Adoration) Shouldn't we talk to him through prayer? Shouldn't we be giving him thanks for our lives and for all the goodness He has given us?

I am guilty of keeping my faith bottled inside. However we don't have to stand on street corners handing out brochures on how to be saved to show our faith. But I believe that showing our faith means more than just being a good person.

The main lesson we hear from this Bible passage is that material things can get in the way of getting to heaven. Money and great possessions can become a "god" that we worship instead of God. We see money as a god in the news- all these greedy Wall Street executives, Bernie Madoff, scam artists, burglars. I feel grateful that I am not surrounded by people like that. Most of my loved ones know that money doesn't buy you happiness. And it's important to note that Jesus does not condemn wealth as long as it was earned in a moral way and it doesn't get in the way of proper devotion to God.

I don't know any high powered executives who struggle to find God because of all their material baggage is in their way. However, I think it's safe to say for all of us that we have "spiritual baggage" that gets in the way of finding God. The ways our families and schools raised us, resentment for God for taking away a loved one, and even steadfast political or economic ideals can get in the way of seeking God. Our overly-secular culture is definitely an obstacle for getting closer to God. But I think perhaps most of all our own stubbornness and pride gets in the way of getting closer to God.

We take our own opinions and warp them into truth. We think we are masters of our own universe. We put God on the back burner when it comes to living our daily lives. We often forget that it is God who gave us our being, our life. He gave us this world, our family and friends.

Without Him, we are nothing.

My Spiritual Struggles

One of the reasons I started my blog was to write about my spiritual journey and struggles. I wrote the note below as a note on Facebook last February.

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As most of you know, I have a brother who is 13 years older than me named Jamie. He's a goof, has terrorized me in the past, is VERY sarcastic but has been THE father figure in my life. I had no father to care for me as a child, so during the times my mom was busy working to support two children by herself, it was my brother who stepped up to the plate, sacrificed some of the fun things teenagers get to do and babysit me. I owe a lot to him, and that is why he is walking me down the aisle at my wedding in April.

Better yet, my brother is a devout Catholic Christian who strongly defends his faith, but has a fun time doing it at the same time. I have looked at his MySpace blog and his numerous blog postings about the Catholic faith and what it is like to be a Christian in today's society. I'm so lucky to have a brother like him who I can discuss religion with. A part of me is sad that Ryan and I won't be moving to north Kansas City like we were originally planning to. I was looking forward to being a part of his church and seeing him, Abby and their kids more often.

So that's my brother...he blogs...A LOT about the faith. These blogs are for anyone to see (as far as I know) and he's not scared to post them for anyone to argue, comment or agree. His sister, me, who is a theology major at a very orthodox Catholic college, is nothing like that. And that's what this note is about.

To put it out there: I really stink at apologetics (apologetics is defending and/or explaining the faith.) Why is that? Because I'm a coward and very sensitive.

I'm a coward because I am afraid of what people will think of me. Let's face it, being a Christian-- Protestant or Catholic -- is NOT very easy in our very secular-humanist culture. Being a Catholic is harder because sometimes it feels we have the whole world against us. If a friend asked me about something pertaining to being Catholic (Why do you have to go to confession? I don't need Mass- why should I go?) I can answer because they came to me. But me going out to someone to preach??? Too scary- I don't want to push my religion. I don't want to lose a friend. I don't want people to think I am weird. I think back to the martyrs. They died because of their faith. I ask myself how can I strive to be like them if I can't even tell someone how important going to Mass is?

I am so sensitive. I cry at the Olympics and Oscars. I can't watch those commercials about abused pets or orhpaned children in Africa because my heart can't take it. Being sensitive has gotten in the way of defending and explaining my faith. My brother introduced to me the phrase "Catholic Taliban." Those are the very hardcore Catholics that seem more interested in flouting how much they know about the faith than actually saving souls. I've seen too many people driven away from the faith, and Christianity in general because of these people. I do not want to be like this. I don't want to have a Pharisee-mentality. Being so sensitive makes my emotions go hay-wire. I get so angry when someone dismisses Christ or a teaching when they don't even bother to learn about it. They say to preach with love...well I fear my temper will get in the way! That seems kind of like a contradiction- being a coward with a bad temper. But that's how I am.

Then I get intimidated by some of the awesome students that sit with me in my senior seminar. They have AMAZING insights. They can list off verses from the Bible with ease. (A Catholic knowing their Bible???...shocking I know!) Participation in discussion is a part of my grade but I'm too chicken to speak up. Half of the time I can't even think of anything interesting. I hope I can some day be as brilliant as some of the people in my class.

The crazy thing about all this-- I would love to write a book about the Catholic religion. Something funny, interesting and devout. How can I do that if I have no confidence?

So I'm sure barely anyone will read this (I do get rather long-winded.) However, I am going to build little baby steps to posting on here more often. Explaining the faith, describing my spiritual journey and defending my beliefs as a Catholic. I want to be like my big brother. I want to see Jesus and him to say to me at my life's end, "Well done, good and faithful servant..." Matthew 25: 21 (No I didn't know that by heart...I had to go to biblegateway.com!)