There is something that I thought I was finally ready to write about, but I can’t bring myself to write about it just yet. I’ve been wanting to write a 3-part post reflecting on some things about pregnancy/child birth/becoming a mother that I never really got the chance to write about soon after Joe was born. All that was on my mind back then was nursing, my blood pressure and wondering if I’d ever get a full-night’s sleep again. I wanted to write about how difficult it was dealing with excessive swelling and pre-eclampsia. I wanted to write about how I am still “mourning the loss” of not giving birth naturally. I wanted to write about how scary it was/is becoming a new mother.
I feel it has taken me these past 6 months since Joe came into this world to be able to take a step back and find the right words for these posts. I was getting ready to write this past weekend when I realized that this coming week we would have celebrated Gus’ first birthday, if I had not miscarried him (or her.) Complaining about how I didn’t get MY way in my pregnancy and childbirth just doesn’t seem appropriate. I remember when we had our miscarriage scare with Joe. I begged God that I would do anything, let anything happen to me if this baby came out healthy. I know God doesn’t bargain. I did get a wonderfully healthy baby. But I’m just so selfish and self-centered sometimes that I choose to focus on how I didn’t get the dream birth I wanted and dreamed of.
Miscarriage and infertility has been heavy on my heart this month. Reflecting on Gus and what could have been and receiving my Family Foundations magazine in the mail that features infertility has really got me thinking. Some women would gladly welcome a c-section if it meant holding their own baby in her arms and here I am beepin’ and moanin’. My gosh, I lost a baby and I’m still complaining about the way I delivered my very special blessing. My pride is thinking I’m a fertile Myrtle and I just “know” I’m going to get pregnant again really soon. Who am I to assume that if we don’t follow the rules “just once” or if we’re ready to try to conceive I’ll get pregnant right away? I keep thinking that secondary infertility won’t happen to me or I won’t miscarry again. Fertility is such a gift and I keep assuming God will just shower me with these gifts. Not good, Maggie, not good.
Anyways, this post is already dragging and disjointed so I apologize. I just had to get my feelings out on the screen. I’m still debating on whether or not to do this 3 part post. Perhaps it will have to wait a little bit longer.
6 comments:
I think no matter how hard we try to say we'll accept whatever comes our way, we still put our hopes and dreams into what we want. It is our human nature. It's not the fact that we have hopes and dreams, or that we mourn the loss of them (big or small), it's that we learn from them.
I'd say you are doing beautifully! And I think the 3 part series would be great - if for nothing else, you may just help another woman feel like she's not alone. If I've learned anything in this blog world, it's to never underestimate just how similar we all are.
Prayers for you and your family, and especially your sweet angel baby Gus.
You're a human mother :)
Just think, without God allowing what happened with Gus, little Joe wouldn't even be here!
I also have had many, many hard times of accepting the gift of my fertility. Then I feel sooooo guilty about the women who would kill to be able to have their own baby, and I realize how selfish I am.
But I do think that whether we are infertile or overly fertile, it's still a cross to carry. I think we can all agree that being "too fertile" is a MUCH smaller cross than being infertile, but still both have many emotions and consquences associated with them.
There is nothing wrong with feeling however you do - it is just a feeling. The important thing is how you act on them. And I think you are doing a wonderful job. I personally, would love to read anything you write on the subject!
I agree, I think if you feel like you can write out your 3 part series then you should do so, it may help other women in knowing they're not alone.
And I totally get you on the taking the gift of fertility for granted and just assuming you'll get pregnant when you want. It's kind of that way for me, although I am still pregnant. I mean, heck, we got pregnant our first time, so there are times I just assume I'm going to be one of those hugely fertile women and that may in itself be a cross. But then I'm reminded that fertility is a gift, and really no one can know when God will take that away.
I totally agree with Colleen, both sides can be a cross.
What an honest post! I too think that writing the post would be wonderful for you to do. I think it's such a testimony to so many women that you were able to conceive so quicly after losing Gus. You seem to be such an amazing wonderful Catholic, mother, and wife. What a lucky son you have, dear!
Hey Maggie, I think that it is perfectly natural and healthy to mourn the loss of your birth experience. If you went into the hospital for an unexpected invasive abdominal surgery, no one would question the fact that the recovery and loss of health due to that experience would cause sadness and dissapointment. But because a c-section is tied to the arrival of such a beautiful blessing as a baby, there can be guilt tied to grieving the loss of the natural birth that you were hoping for.
When you lost your baby Gus, it was normal and healthy to grieve the loss of that baby. You wouldn't tell yourself that you were selfish and complaining because you had "only misscarried" and there are all kinds of women who lose full-term babies, or even older children or multiple children. Losing a baby is hard period.
Everyone has their own burdens and trials to carry, don't feel guilty for being sad about having a traumatic birth. You were hoping for a natural healthy experience, and unexpectedly had to endure much pain and intervention, both in birth and recovery. Lost hopes and expectations are hard to lose, and grieving them is healthy, nothing to be ashamed of.
Good honest post and good comments that I don't feel I can add to! If and when you decide to do your series, I and I'm sure many others would love to read it.
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