Brace Yourselves... Lent is Coming.

Microbiology is killin' me y'all. Everyone told me it was difficult, and man... they weren't kidding! Usually I like to blog at least once a month... a 7 Quick Takes post or SOMETHING! I don't even have time to read any blogs. I don't know who is pregnant anymore or who has had their baby or what's going on!

I've also been busy getting my nursing school applications ready and turned in. Just last week I turned in my last application and I have to wait until June to see if I get in! I turned in my first application about a month and a half ago...so I've been checking the mail with nervous trepidation waiting for The Letter. So any prayers that God's will be done (and that I accept that will) would be appreciated!

I'm giving up Facebook for Lent. Like totally deactivating it so I'm not tempted to check it here or there. I'm spending far too much time seeing what Baby-Sitters Club character I am and not enough time doing homework and making sure my kids aren't starting small fires.

I hope to spend more time in prayer, more time working with Sam's OT issues and work with Joe on some preschool skills instead of being glued to The Book (Facebook... I need to be glued to The Good Book!) I want to have a meaningful Lent.

I hope you all have a very spiritually fulfilling Lent. Maybe someday I can find enough time to write again. I miss this ol' blog!

And because I haven't posted enough pictures of my two adorable kiddos in awhile-

His Game of Thrones name is Red Hand

Smilin' Sam

Vote for Me!

Last week the nominees for the 2014 Sheenazing Awards were announced. In my moment of being-a-baby-I'm-too-damn-sensitive-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me I was a little disappointed that I wasn't nominated this year. It seemed like every category had 50 nominees and I was bummed no one thought of me to nominate. But then I remembered that the majority of my posts are about me writing about how busy I am going to be with school and how I'd like to blog more. Boooooooooring! I can't expect to be nominated for a blogging award when I barely ever blog!

But then my good friend Michelle at Endless Strength texted me this weekend to let me know I was indeed nominated for Blog with the Best Memes. I'll admit my inner Sally Field "You like me! You really like me!" came out.

I told myself I would blog on Monday about my nomination. Then this morning I found out that the voting closes today at 9:00 p.m.! So get on over there and vote! Plus, there are tons of other cool blogs that you can check out! 

The wonderful Bonnie is hosting these awards. Her explanation on the awards:  "The Sheenazing Blogger Awards get their name from Venerable Fulton J. Sheen, who was amazing at using the newest forms of media to communicate the beauty of the Catholic Church and his love of Christ to the world. They are a fun way to celebrate the excellence of the Catholic blogosphere and honor Venerable Fulton Sheen." 

Go vote here! And thank you to whoever nominated me! I LOVE YOU. 

Oh, and since I was nominated for best memes, I might want to put one on here, huh? 

Quick Takes Friday... I mean... Monday..

So I had most of this post written and edited on Friday. Then there was a lot of pooping (by my kids, not me), laundry and packing to be done so I could go to my hometown and job shadow at the hospital there. I was just going to delete this post, but I actually spent a lot of time getting it ready, so I'm gonna post anyway! 

1.
Sam is finally, FINALLY starting to eat. About a week before Christmas he started taking teeny tiny little bites and actually chew and swallow them! It's still just tiny bites and it's mostly junk food, but at least he's getting the hang of it. He still will not drink out of any sort of cup. He'd rather dump it out everywhere instead.

Today we have another occupational therapy session. I'm glad he's progressed, but I'm still worried that he isn't getting enough nutrients. But it's a step in the right direction, so I shouldn't be so worried!

UPDATE: His OT session was really crappy... now I'm even more frustrated and confused!

Chocolate donut face!

2.
Last Saturday I took Joe on a mommy-son date. We dressed up, went to see the movie Frozen and then to McDonald's for lunch. The movie was AWESOME. The animation was amazing, the music was fantastic and the moral of the story was just perfect. Any movie that has the line "Love means putting someone elses needs before your own" has my attention. I ran out and bought the soundtrack as soon as I could.

Joe loved the movie and I think he had a good time. I want this to become a tradition. I want to show him what it's like to be a gentleman and how to treat a lady. I've been thinking a lot about how my relationship will develop with Joe. He is growing up so fast and I want us to have an honest and open relationship. There's nothing that bothers me more than lying and hiding stuff, so I hope he feels comfortable coming me to when he wants.

3.
Last Monday was BITTERLY cold. I had a spur of the moment idea to have Joe make a thank you card for the mail man and include some hot chocolate mix and a can of soup. I left it in the mailbox and was hoping he'd come soon for fear the can of soup would freeze and burst or something! He came and knocked on the door and thanked us. I can't imagine having to walk around in sub-zero weather!

4.
We went to Toys R Us to search for a less skank-tastic version of Candy Land for Joe. We had no such luck, but I did browse the preschool work books for Joe. I sat down with him to teach him how to write his letters. I have no idea if he's developmentally ready, but he did an OK job with my help. His favorite letter to write is H. 

This little exercise taught me that I would definitely not make a good home schooling teacher to my kids!

5.
So ever since the 50th anniversary of JFK's assisnation this past November I've been rather facinated with the Kennedy family. I don't really know why. JFK is no saint, but I still am drawn to knowing about this famous family. For Christmas I got two book written by Clint Hill, the Secret Service agent famous for jumping on the back of JFK's convertible as Jackie Kennedy scrambled out after witnessing her husband get shot. The books are all written shedding a very kind light on the Kennedys. I know they were not a perfect family, but these books really made the Kennedy family more human and personable. I was in tears when I read about John F. Kennedy holding his baby son Patrick as he took his final breaths after being born prematurely.

The other day Ryan was talking about different places we could travel to for a short family vacation. He casually mentioned Dallas, TX. My first thought was Texas Schoolbook Depository! I'm such a nerd, I know...

6.
I was rather disappointed with Downton Abbey's premiere. It was pretty boring in my opinion. I've heard this season is kind of a bummer... and I HATE shows like that! Plus, there are a few characters on there that I CANNOT STAAAAAND... so it will make it even more difficult to get through. Oh well..

7.
I'm in the process of getting my nursing school applications ready... I get so nervous thinking about it! GAH!

Have a great weekend!

UPDATE: The weekend is over...sooo... have a good week!

School is starting soon!

My classes will be starting up soon. I have my microbiology book and medical terminology book staring me in the face right now. I also have a 3 year old banging on his door saying he doesn't want to take a nap and a 17 month old grabbing all the DVDs off the shelf and throwing them across the room.

Writing to you saying I'm nervous about this semester is an understatement.

Still, I have flutterings of excitement about these classes. The last few weeks I've really been losing my motivation to pursue nursing school. Since getting the rejection letter last fall and knowing just how competitive these nursing programs can be really put my confidence level in the crap shoot. However, yesterday I went to job shadow at a hospital near my hometown and my excitement about the possibility of entering the healthcare field was re-energized. I am applying to two programs in the next few months... I'm so praying that I get accepted!

I'm nervous about my microbiology class because I know it is a challenging class. And I'm dreading the time I'll be spending away from my little family. And of course I have to add the "I won't be blogging as much or reading your posts" announcement even though it seems that's all my posts have been about lately- complaining about not having the energy to write or the time to read others' blogs. But I absolutely love learning... especially about the human body and how it all works.



We'll see if I find some more energy to write 7 Quick Takes tomorrow!

7 Quick Takes... SATURDAY!

1.
My final is over! I was taking an online nutrition class this semester and there was a lot of busy work involved. We even had a group project that we had to participate in. I HATE group projects with a firey passion... imagine doing it online. Yuck.

I got an A in the class, which I'm pretty happy about. I have one more pre-req to take and hopefully I do well in that class. If I do, I'll be taking a 4.0 GPA into my application process for nursing school and I think that may help... just a little!

2.
I haven't had a chance to blog or even read any blogs because I've been studying when I can for my final. And I have two knucklehead kiddos that are REALLY starting to become quite the pair of trouble makers. Sam is starting to get into that ornery stage. He's definitely more toddler than baby. He can be quite challenging! But now that he's getting older he and Joe are playing together more, which is awesome. It is so incredibly fun to see them chase each other and laugh and giggle.

Oh, the humanity!

Sam loves the tree!

3.
Joe and Sam went to their first dentist appointment this week! I've been procrastinating on taking Joe in and Sam is getting a really bad build up on his teeth since he's on an all-liquid diet. I mean, his teeth look red neck gross. So I called a pediatric dentist and figured that we'd have to wait a couple of weeks to get in. To my surprise, they had quite a few cancellations for the next day. By the time I got off the phone I had made an appointment for my boys... during the day... during Sam's naptime... and at a time that Ryan would not be able to get off work to help me.

I basically chalked it up to being completely crazy for having done that.

But the appointment actually went well! Joe was very good and only cried when they were cleaning his teeth. He has two very small cavities that will be addressed at our next visit in 6 months. His dentist thinks he'll have to be completley put under since she doesn't think the laughing gas will be strong enough for him. I tend to agree.

Sam was fine unless the hygenist or dentist came near him. There was a lot of screaming, but the hygenist got his teeth clean.

I was very worn out afterward but proud for taking the boys myself. Everyone at the office was awesome so that made the experience a little easier!

He got to snuggle with some friends while they examined his teeth.

4.
Last Friday we went to see Santa. When Joe was about 3 months old he sat on Santa's lap with no problem. When he was 15 months old he screamed bloody murder. Last year he sat on a chair by Santa for a photo opp, but didn't tell him what he wanted for Christmas. This year was the first year that Joe really understood the concept of sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what he wants for Christmas. His list? A Monster's Inc. toy and a tummy stuffer. He recently added paper clips to his list. I don't ask questions anymore.

Of course, Sam screamed. But I was a little dissapointed with this Santa. Maybe he thought Joe was too young, but he didn't even really interact with him. He didn't even really smile in the photo. I figured it was because he had a screaming child on his lap, but another friend of mine took her daughter who is older than Joe to the same Santa. She wasn't screaming but this Santa had the same "Kill me now" look.

Joe really did love Santa, despite the deer in the headlights look.

I don't really remember my experiences with Santa as a little kid. I was never afraid of him, but I don't remember if any were particularly jolly. I guess years of watching Miracle on 34th Street set me up for thinking all Santas were jolly and kind.

Thankfully my quest for a "good" Santa came to an end just a few days later after Mass. Santa was there and he actually took the time to talk to each kid. We didn't subject Sam to the torture again.

5.
Yesterday was Sam's occupational therapy session with his new therapist. I'm not too terribly impressed with her demeanor... but I wasn't with Joe's therapist either, but she got the job done very quickly. I'm really hoping this time around will work... I'm just so worried about Sam not getting enough nutrients.

6.
I'm so in the mood to bake. I don't enjoy cooking meals, but I LOVE to bake. I just don't do it very often since I hate cleaning up. My favorite Christmas cookies are called kringle cookies. We always bake them on Christmas Eve at my mom's house, but I'm thinking I might have to make them a little sooner!

7.
Do any of you watch Homeland? Ryan and I love the show and we're psyched for the finale tomorrow! Brody is totally going to die. I just know it!

Well these are completely random and all over the place. It doesn't help that I'm finishing these up at 12:30 at night! Have a good weekend y'all!

Visit Jen for more Quick Takes! 

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How to dry a turkey...

So I never got around to writing how hosting my first Thanksgiving went. Well... no one gagged, no one died and no one complained. So I guess that's a success!

I followed the directions for thawing the turkey... but apparently I still failed at that. The inside of the turkey was still somewhat frozen. We couldn't even get the neck out. So I put it in a sink of cool water. Thankfully it warmed up a bit because my mom got the neck out with no problems after about 15 minutes. But when you have a turkey soaking in water that long... it gets really really really wet.

Everything I read said to make sure the turkey was dried off well after rinsing it. Well, water was just SOPPING out of it and no amount of paper towels was getting it dry. My mom suggested using a hair dryer... only half-way kidding. I poo-poo'd the idea until I realized that it might just work.

So I used a hair dryer to dry the turkey. And it actually turned out OK!

Now begins my favorite time of year. I am one of those annoying people who love Christmas. I actually get teary eyed when I see Joe get excited about Christmas lights. I'm Buddy the Elf in female form. I'm trying hard to celebrate the anticipation of Advent... mainly for Joe's sake. I'm trying to focus on Baby Jesus... but I can't help that I get super excited when Santa comes to feed his reindeer at 10:00 central time on reindeercam.com! SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with family and friends. Things will be quiet around here since I'm entering finals week. Happy Advent, y'all!

Joe's Neurology Appointment and Other Tid Bits

Yesterday Joe had his first neurology appointment since his seizures that occurred in October. Thanks be to God his Depakote medicine is working and he hasn't had any episodes. Joe's neurologist is so amazing. She took time to answer our questions and explained things so well. It's been a weird month. My paranoia of Joe having more seizures had kind of faded away until yesterday when we were driving the appointment. But she is very optimistic that he could possibly outgrow this in a few years.

Sam has been having a rough time lately. On Halloween he was diagnosed with hand, foot and mouth disease. His gums were SO swollen AND he was getting his molars at the same time. Poor baby was miserable. He's in occupational therapy for eating issues. I hope to dive more into that issue some other time, but his therapist, who is very very knowledgeable and good at her job, is stumped. Sam just isn't progressing. He's finally eating baby food, but that's a hit or miss sort of deal. His therapist warned us that if things don't progress in the next few months that they might have to put in a feeding tube. I'm still exclusively breast feeding (and yes, I'm exhausted) but his body needs more nutrients now that he's older. I'm hoping that once he gets his last two one-year molars in that it will suddenly click.

I'm making more of my saint dolls. I made a St. Andrew doll for my priest since our parish is called St. Andrew's. I also made one of him. I think he got a kick out of them. I actually have two orders for some dolls which I'm pretty excited about. I have to order the dolls and will be busy working on those before Christmas.

My parish priest. Yes, he's THAT bald. :-)

St. Cecilia

St. Andrew

I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year for my mom and my brother's family. I've cooked a turkey before, but my mom helped me. This year I'll be doing it all on my own. I looked up how to rinse and dry a turkey (DON'T JUDGE!) and I was met with a slew of articles debating on if one should rinse a turkey or leave it alone. I don't remember what I did the last time I cooked a turkey. I probably made my mom do it after I was traumatized after taking out the neck and giblets from the turkey. Hopefully it will all turn out fine... and not like the turkey from Christmas Vacation.

I'm actually looking forward to cooking and hosting. When my mom mentioned me hosting Thanksgiving a few months ago I was all for it. We have a small house, but I can't wait to fill it up with family and the smell of yummy food. Hopefully not burning food....

Good advice.

I job shadowed last Friday at a hospital here in Kansas City. I followed a good friend of mine and was able to get a good feel for nursing. It was really fun! I'm in the process of finishing up my last prerequisite class and setting up more job shadowing hours. I'm excited to get the ball rolling but so nervous that I won't be accepted.

I think that's enough randomness for your day... Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Eat lots of turkey and pumpkin pie!

Blogging Blackholes and Blogging Friends

The other day I was going through the list of blogs I follow. I'm trying to limit screen time and I wanted to weed out the blogs that I don't read anymore. It wasn't too difficult, because there were quite a few blogs where the author doesn't post anymore. In some cases the blog doesn't even exist at all! I went through some of my old posts and comments and there were some people who used to comment all the time, and I used to comment on their blog. We had a special online friendship, but it soon drifted away into the wind when they stopped posting.

I know that life gets busy and that is cause for a lot of the reason that these bloggers stop writing. But it's always a strange feeling when they shared so much every week, sometimes every day... their thoughts, their feelings, their day to day activities, their struggles and suddenly that door is shut. It's the same feeling I would get when I was young and a dear friend would move far away.

I somtimes wonder if my blog will ever get sucked into the blogger black hole. I often feel an obligation to keep my blog updated because I'm afraid people will stop reading. I get dismayed when posts I spend a lot of time on get no comments. There are times I kick myself for becoming so worried about a little ol' blog. I don't get paid to write this. I don't have deadlines. No one asked me to start this blog.

So why is blogging so important to me?

I started this blog a few weeks after my miscarriage ended in September 2009. It chronicled my first years of marriage, being a housewife, my pregnancy with Joe and the journey of first becoming a mother and then a mother to two young boys. This blog contains my frustrations, my fears, my hopes and dreams. It contains funny stories of learning to cook and sew and getting Joe to sleep through the night. It talks about my struggles with depression and dealing with an unplanned c-section. Basically, this blog contains my heart and soul.

And the best thing about this blog is the people I have come to know through the blogging community. Without blogging I probably would have never come to know Michelle from Endless Strength. She has become a dear friend and inspiration. She is Sam's godmother and I can't think of anyone better to be praying for my son.She probably would have been just part of another of the many families at my parish if it weren't for blogging. Actually, I might not have ever come to St. Andrew's because it was her blog that brought me there!

Katie from NFP and Me are practically twins. We like pretty much the exact same things and both curse like sailors. We both love our faith and sharing NFP. I would have never met her without blogging.

There are so many wonderful women bloggers that I have not met (I'm looking at you, Sarah!) who I consider friends, and without them I would have barely gotten though some tough times. They have sent me care packages, books, music and even hand-me down clothes for my boys. Just knowing I have some very special prayer warriors out there petitioning for me is a great source of comfort. In turn, their sorrows and joys become my own.

That is why I still cling to blogging. I don't feel quite as guilty anymore for not posting as much. I have to cut myself some slack because I am now in school. I have to focus on that in order to hopefully get into nursing school next year. Plus, I have a husband and two young children that deserve more of my attention than blogging. But the words I have written down and the words in my head are far too valuable to give up right now. The memories and friends I have made though this process are too precious to me.

I still wonder where some of my old blogging friends have gone. I know they have moved on and are living their lives and that is fantastic. I still hesitate to delete their blogs thinking that maybe someday they will be back.

In the meantime, I pray for all my blogging friends, both past and present, and I hope it is a long time from now when I reach the point that it is time to stop blogging and close down From the Heart.

DINOVEMBER!

Have you heard of Dinovember? A friend of mine posted about it on her Facebook wall and as soon as I read it I decided that I was for sure going to this. The idea behind Dinovember is a child's toy dinosaurs come to life at night, usually participating in some shenanigans. When the kid wakes up the dinos have frozen in place! Some of the scenes I've seen are dinosaurs singing karaoke, drawing on the walls, and playing a board game.

Last night I secretly gathered all of Joe's toy dinosaurs and arranged them so that T (the t-rex) and Alan (the velociraptor, named after Jurassic Park's Alan Grant) dumped a whole box of animal crackers on the kitchen table! The brachiosaurus sipped on a juice box, and the triceratops fought over a Cheez-it while the stegasaurus pigged out on a whole bag. Having kids is so much fun because it give me a chance to play again!

Joe woke up, saw the table and at first was like "What the heck?!" But then I started explaining what had happened and he thought it was pretty funny. He kept asking, "Did Daddy do this?"

I don't plan on doing this the rest of November since I'm afraid it won't be fun anymore because I'll be stressing out over finding creative ideas. I might do it four or five more days and then I'll post the rest of the dinosaur's adventures.

I overheard the dinos discussing how they wanted to do a family movie night tonight...

Scenes from this morning

DINO PARTAY!

P.S. For some reason the video I tried posting yesterday of Sam smiling didn't work. Here it is. You're welcome. :-)

This Will Make You Smile

Once again I have a million thoughts in my head and would love a chance to sit in peace and write them out. But as usual... that isn't going to happen! So I thought I'd add some pictures and a video that is FOR SURE to make your day.

Sam now smiles on cue. It makes my heart burst into a thousand pieces and melt into a pile of love goo.

He looks like a little old man.

And of course we have video of his cheesy smiles.



He is too cute!

I don't know if I've ever posted it on here, but Sam is in occupational therapy for eating issues like Joe was when he was this age. Sam's issues are a little more difficult. Joe could eat babyfood, but gagged on it a lot and never ate solids. Sam won't eat solids OR baby food and still won't drink out of a sippy cup. Needless to say, exclusively breastfeeding for 15 months is a wee bit tiring. Sam's therapy sessions have been interrupted by Joe's hospitalizations and then getting hand, foot and mouth disease! But much to our delight he is FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY eating baby food!

You can kind of see his baby food mustache! :-)

It's the little things that make me happy. Hopefully this post has made you happy, too!

More About the Saint Dolls

Thank you for all the kind comments yesterday regarding my saint dolls! A few people asked questions about them, so I wanted to share the links I used to learn how to paint these.

Click here and here for the links! Some day I might post my own tutorial.

I bought the small peg dolls in the wood craft section of Hobby Lobby. Michaels sells them as well. I wanted to paint the larger dolls but it seems the only place you can find them is online. I ordered them through Woodworks Ltd.

They take a lot of time, but are really fun to make!

Saint Dolls!

I am not a fan of Pinterest. Basically it makes me feel like a big fat lazy blob who is depriving my kids of glitter and glue-filled memories. But for the most part the reason I avoid Pinterest is because I can get very over my head with "projects." A couple of years ago I was determined to teach myself to crochet. With a lot of YouTube video watchin' I figured some of it out... but can never get pass crocheting a square... and even then I start to miscount my stitches. There was also the year I bought a sewing machine and had big visions of sewing quilts and curtains. I did sew Joe's first Christmas stocking... but I fear it won't last.

But this past week I saw a cute little project on a Catholic mommy facebook group. I had never heard of them before even though I guess they are all the rage in some mommy circles. They are wooden saint dolls and I'm obsessed with them!

Late one night I saw someone post a picture of these dolls on the group and vowed the next day to go get supplies to make my own. I got my supplies and jumped right in. I found out later that it's better to make them with bigger sized dolls, so I decided these little dolls were going to be my experiment.

They take FOREVER to paint because you have to paint the different layers. I also made the mistake of painting some of them when Ryan wasn't home. Do you know how hard it is to paint teeny tiny eyebrows on a saint's face when you have two little minions crawling all over you?

I figured it would be an epic failure, but I'm pleased with how they came out. I made the mistake of using a paint pen for St. Joseph's eyes so when I sprayed the gloss it made his eyes bleed! I was so mad because he was my favorite! I tried to fix it but it just turned out weird. Oh well.

The best part? Joe LOVES them! Sam does as well, which makes for a lot of fighting. Joe can identify who the people are. I always feel so guilty that I'm not teaching him enough Catholic stuff, but I think I found a way to make learning about the saints fun! Joe loves these dolls so much he's constantly saying "Make more, mommy!" and when I'm painting it he demands, "I need it now!"

Here are some pictures of the finished product!

Blessed Mother

St. Joseph... you can see where I messed up the eyes...

Sacred Heart of Jesus

Nanananananana JESUS!

Our parish priest, Fr. Rogers and Pope Francis

The Gang

The Final Part of the Story and My Thoughts as a Mother

This is part three of our story of Joe's epilepsy diagnosis.

Part One


Part Two

The next day we saw the sunrise from our 6th floor hospital room. It was beautiful. It was kind of like God was saying, "Today you will be at peace."

Sammy and the sunrise

The night before we had received a definite time for the MRI, so we planned our meals accordingly. It was much less stressful that way.

Joe was still tethered to his EEG machine, so he couldn't go far, and it was starting to bother him. Thankfully we crafted a play area on the floor, brought him toys and the nurse moved the camera so he was content for awhile.

The mega neurology team came early in the morning. Dr. Cruse sat down to deliver the news of Joe's EEG results. "Well, the EEG is normal. That's good because we can rule out the 'bad' stuff." He went on to explain that no medication would be needed since it was just a one day thing and that we'd just have to watch out for anymore episodes. We would still have the MRI just to rule anything out.

While I was very happy to hear that no "bad stuff" had been found, I still felt uneasy. Was this seriously just a fluke thing? A one time deal? I was fearful of the thought of going home with no answers. I would be constantly paranoid that it would happen again... this time in a much worse manner. Would I ever feel comfortable enough to let him stand on the kitchen chair and help make cookies? Would I constantly be following close behind him while he walked for fear that he'd seize and violently fall over? I am a control freak who wants to know what is going on. I hate unanswered questions. Was this whole torturous (and expensive) hospital stay for nothing?

We spent the rest of the day waiting to go down for the MRI. A vascular team came to put in an IV. Even these specialists were impressed with how strong Joe was. It went a little smoother than other times, but you can never get used to your baby being in pain. Then we learned the MRI was bumped from noon to1:00. While we were waiting, the EEG technician came in to remove the electrodes. Joe freaked when he saw him but we assured him he'd like this part. Joe fussed a little when the tech was removing the electrodes, but for the most part stayed still. I sat in bed with him thinking that he'd want to get up and play now that he was free, but he was getting tired, so we popped in another movie.

Probably 10 minutes after the EEG guy left another doctor came up. I recognized her from Dr. Cruse's neurology team. She introduced herself as Dr. Zuccarelli and pulled a chair up to the bed. When she did that I knew something was up.

"I know we told you that Joe's EEG was normal. But that was based on an earlier reading from last night. He just read the rest of it, and it does appear that there are abnormalities."

It was then she told us the diagnosis: myclonic epilepsy.

His brain was just made a little different, and these nerve currents just fire a little differently. He has a disposition for seizures and certain things like lack of sleep can trigger them. Just a few weeks ago Ryan and I cut out his afternoon nap in hopes he would start sleeping better at night and I fear that could have been the cause.

She went on to explain the precautions we'd have to take, what to do if he has seizure and different issues and situations to look out for. She explained the medication he would now have to take and the emergnecy medicaton we would have to carry on us at all times (like an epi-pen) in case he had a seizure lasting 5 minutes. She was so nice and comforting and straight forward.

I sat there holding my son and tears streamed down my face. Joe was starting to nod off to sleep and I just held him tighter and tighter. I was so glad to have answers, but this just broke my heart. I knew this could be the diagnoses, but actually hearing it said out loud was heart wrenching.

She left and soon it was time to wheel Joe down to his MRI. Ryan and I went with him and waited awhile in the pre-op area reading him books. The anesthesiologist came in to do a quick check up and when he was listening to his heart it was taking a long time. He told us to lean him back and we did and he listened to his heart again. He said the reason he did that was because he heard a heart murmur. I was like "Are you effing kidding me?!?!" I almost had to laugh because SERIOUSLY?! But he assured us that it was a very very common thing and as soon as we laid him back the murmur went away. 

Soon the nurse came in and gave Joe some anti-anxiety meds into his IV and he gladly went with her. She didn't give us a chance to say good bye as she walked away. We were lead to a waiting room. I went up to nurse Sam, meet up with my dad, and grab some lunch.

When I came back to the waiting room I sat down with Ryan. We hugged and talked because that was really the first time we could do so since we go to the hosptial. Joe being in the MRI was probably the hardest part. Thinking about him being alone in a metal tube made me sad. I knew he was sedated, but I was still forlorn to be away from Joe. I was afraid he'd wake up and be afraid that we weren't there.

When they called us back he was still very very very asleep. We snuggled him in a wagon and rolled him back to his room. He stayed in a deep sleep for a very long time. Ryan's mom and my dad left. Ryan loaded up the van because we would be released soon after Joe woke up and ate something.

Sleeping after his MRI

When Joe woke up he was very loopy and goofy. It was actually pretty funny. They gave him some food and tried giving him his first dose of Depakote. They sprinkled it on some pudding thinking he would think it was sugar, but he wasn't fooled. We had to do a lot of coaxing and convincing for him to eat the pudding. Soon we were all packed up and ready to wheel him out to our van.

It was kind of bittersweet to say goodbye to the nurses. They had been such a tremendous help. It was also kind of scary because now we were on our own. We were armed with informatoin and medication, but it was aways kind of comforting to know the nurses were right around the corner in case there was an emergency.

We drove home, grabbed his prescription, let him watch a Batman movie and all went to bed together. I cuddled Joe, grateful that we were in our own comfortable bed. Tears rolled down my cheeks again as I tried to process it all. It really felt like it was all a dream.

My mom had told me how proud she was of me for being so strong. I have to be strong for Joe's sake, but I'm tellling you this has been so hard. Joe has always been so healthy. He went a whole year without seeing his pediatrician. I'm just so confused as to how this could happen. Dr. Z assured us that he would develop into a happy and healthy little boy even with epilepsy, but there will be a part of me that will now be forever paranoid.

I've always been a little paranoid as a mother. The sickening thought of losing my son HAUNTS me. Just thinking about those mothers and fathers of those precious babies killed in Newton, CT last year makes me sick to my stomach. Just knowing that one minute I can be holding my loving healthy boy and the next minute I could be burying him in the cold hard ground terrifies me. I whisper prayers of protection for Ryan and my boys numerous times a day. My love for Joe is so fierce and so strong that I just can't bear to think of him in any kind of pain. Hell, my heart breaks a little bit whenever he is ignored by another kid at the playground. I saw quite a few sick children there at the hospital, and while my heart went out to them, my heart especially ached for their parents. I am growing closer and closer to Mary, the Mother of Jesus now that I've become a mom. Sure, my son isn't suffering for the salvation of souls, but giving God the control and trusting in his will is hard no matter what.

Then of course comes the mommy guilt. I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't so tired and zoned out or piddle farting on facebook so much that I could have caught these seizures sooner. I feel guilty that I've put my needs in front of my own children. This has definitely been a wake up call for me. I hid a lot of "friends" from showing up on my newsfeed on Facebook and no longer feel obligated to read a ton of blogs or comment on them. I've always felt this overwhelming "need" to blog... like I have such "important" things to say and I just itch to get them out there on the interwebz. But I don't think there are a whole lot of people out there reading these words, and that's OK. I don't plan on abandoning this blog completely, but it just won't be a concern anymore. I foresee a bunch of tickle fights and crafting in the future rather than blog posts about our hopes and dreams.

Joe has been doing well since this whole ordeal. He hasn't had one single seizure, at least when we've been around. We've had to switch from the Depakote crystals to liquid form because no matter how we tried to disguise it, he always figured it out there was medicine in his food. I felt like Kathy Bates from Misery when I was hiding the meds in his oatmeal. We have to take the normal precautions as any parent of a 3 year old does, but we have to be a little more vigilant. One thing that Dr. Z mentioned was that he can't really climb the monkey bars without us close by in case he has a seizure. Even the short myclonic seizures that last a second or two can cause him to fall and get seriously injured.

We aren't going to treat epilepsy as a disease or disability. We'll make the appropriate changes, of course, but we will strive to keep his life as normal as possible. There is a chance he could never have one ever again and even grow out of this epilispy. Since this has happened a lot of people have contacted me telling me they know someone who had/has epilispey and they have normal happy lives.

I just feel like Joe being diagnosed with epilepsy has placed limits on his childhood and general being a boy-ness. Just the other day at the park there was a 8 year old boy at the very top of the jungle gym. Of course Joe will be doing that someday, but if I am present I will be freaking out. Dr. Z said that if Joe goes swimming either Ryan or I HAVE to be there. He could drown in even one inch of water. She made it clear that it HAS to be Ryan or I there to supervise. Not even just Grandma Mary or Memaw and Papa. I asked her how that would work when he's 15 years old and wants to go swimming with his buddies. He will not want his mommy hanging around. She told us that we'd approach that problem when he is 15. But I get so scared thinking there is an ever present danger lurking in his brain that could cause him to get seriously hurt. I don't want this to hold him back from having a normal childhood. 

I am not wasting my time wishing and complaining that Joe didn't have this condition. It is what it is, and I have to deal with it instead of wishing it away. I DO hope and pray he outgrows it and that he never has another seizure again.

I think all of us who are mothers grow and change as the years pass us by. We go from brand new moms who are scared crapless about everything to moms with more experience who are still scared crapless, but have a little more confidence cutting baby fingernails. This situation has definitely shaped me into a slightly different kind of mother... hopefully a better one.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and kind thoughts and words during this ordeal. It was truly scary, but I definitely felt the peace and calm from your prayers.

Joe's Hospital Stay Part 2

The first part of our ordeal can be found here.

Our first night in the hospital was spent with me crying and replaying the past day's events over and over again. Ryan was asleep on the couch with Sam and all I could hear was their rhythmic breathing. I kept looking at Joe's heart monitor, hoping the pattern of his beating heart would put me to sleep.

The morning came before we knew it and it was actually a good couple of hours. Joe got some breakfast and played with his animals. His two favorite people came- Grandma Mary and Memaw. We hung out in the room and watched cartoons. We also had a suprise visitor- Olympic swimming gold medalist Kaitlin Sandeno from the Jessie Rees Foundation was visiting kids in the hospital and she came by with a Joy Jar full of toys for Joe. She brought her Olympic medals and we go to hold them, which I thought was pretty nifty. She was so nice and it was a wonderful distraction from what was going on.

FOOD!

Kaitlin Sandeno and Joe

Showing Joe her medals

Soon after they left, Joe's neurology team came in. We had already met one of the pediatric neurologists and she had warned us that this "team" was quite large. She wasn't joking! Dr. Cruse was the lead doctor and there were about eight other attendings, fellows, and residents with him. I felt like I was in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I explained (for the 1000th time) what had happened the day before. Strangely enough, Joe had not had a single episode. Dr. Cruse told us that they were going to schedule an EEG and MRI for later that day. Even though these seizures were scary, we actually wanted him to have an episode later during the EEG so we could get some answers.

It was shortly before noon when the nurse told us that Joe would not be able to eat or drink because he would have to be sedated for his MRI. They didn't have an exact time which was frustrating. They also informed us that his EEG was going to be at 2:00. It was around that time that Joe started getting fussy and asking for lunch. We tried our best to distract him with his toys and movies, but he was getting grumpier by the minute. His two nurses came in to take blood for testing and quickly discovered that they were going to need some help because Joe is so strong. I'm not just saying that as a proud mama... I mean this kid is bionic. It was torture to see him held down and screaming while they took blood. They noticed his IV port was kinked, so they had to take that out and re-do it and hooked him up to saline solution. It was hell.

After that was all over, Joe was in quite a mood. He kept screaming and crying for lunch and water. He kept complaining that his penis hurt (from the catheter from the night before) and he was so uncomfortable from holding in his pee. He also kept complaining about his arm hurting. It was then my mom noticed that his arm with the IV was extremely swollen. The IV had burst through his vein and the saline solution was spilling out. This isn't harmful, but it just made him arm look like the Michelin man for the rest of the day. They came to take out the IV, which of course freaked him out.

By that time Joe had hit his limit. He was very tired, hungry, thirsty and afraid. We asked if there was any way we could go down the EEG early because he wanted to sleep so badly. (He wasn't allowed to sleep before the EEG because they wanted him to sleep during the EEG.) No such luck there so we spent the next hour or so comforting Joe, holding him, taking him to the play room and distracting him with walks. It was heartbreaking to see him in such pain and there was nothing I could do. I was so afraid that all of this was going to be useless and we were just torturing him. My mom and Ryan's mom were getting ticked off and asked the nurses if they could get a more definite time for an MRI so maybe he could eat. No one knew anything.

Shortly after the IV debacle... you can see how red his cheeks are and the sweat in his hair.

Finally it was decided that since he hadn't had an episode they were going to do a different kind of EEG. Instead of taking him down to the EEG lab they would bring the equipment up to his room and do a continuous EEG (the one in the lab would have only been about an hour and half or two hours) with a video monitor. Because of the change, they said he could sleep, and while we were waiting for the EEG guy to get upstairs he fell asleep in my arms.

I was hoping that maybe he would be so tired that he would sleep through them putting the electrodes on his head. Of course I was wrong. And of course the guy had to call in a guy to help hold him down. It was 30 minutes of him measuring his head, marking with a marker, "gluing" electrodes on his head, using a little tube shooting out a blast of air to dry the glue, poking a hole in the electrode and then filling the little hole with pink goop that would be a conductor for the electrode. Then the technician wrapped his head with some bandages and put a little hat on. Poor Joe kept screaming "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" and "STOP IT, GUY!" Finally when it was all over Joe didn't try to rip off his new hat. I was so afraid that all the sweating would cause all the electrodes to fall off, and the technician was, too, but everything looked OK when he turned on the machine.

The technician gave us instructions on what to do if he had a seizure.. push a red button, speak into the camera and describe the event, then write it down. Because Joe was hooked up to this machine he couldn't really get out of bed. And because the camera had to be on him at all times, if he even moved to the other end of the bed we had to call a nurse in to move the camera via a computer command. The technician said that once they recorded an event then he could be unhooked. He said he could be hooked up for 5 days. I think my brain shut off for a few minutes so it wouldn't have to process that information.

This shows the bandages he put on after he placed the electrodes

My little gangsta... Thank God he never tried to pull it off! You can see the EEG machine in the background with the camera on him

The electrodes were bundled in this bag, and connected by a 4 foot (or so) cord that attached to the machine

The technician left and the nurse came in with that "I'm so sorry, but you won't like this news" kind of face. She said they still weren't sure when the MRI was going to be, but it would be until at least 9:00 or 10:00 that night. I was like "Oh hell no." We were NOT waiting that long to get him food and water. The EEG guy was 45 minutes late... who knows how late the MRI could be. The nurse completely understood and went to get him some food right away.

With a Lunchable and Sprite he was in a MUCH MUCH better mood. It was still frustrating that he had to be confined to the bed, but we got him some toys and more movies. Ryan and I got some dinner. My best friend's mom and step dad stopped by which was an awesome surprise. They brought some toys and books, which Joe was thrilled about. Soon after they left Ryan's sister and her husband came by to visit Joe. He was still in pain from not being able to pee, but for the most part he was back to his happy self. He was handling it all so well. The nurse also came in to chat (I haven't had the chance to mention how flippin' amazing the nurses were!) and she assured me that Joe would NOT be hooked up to the EEG for 5 days. She said he would have an MRI sometime the next day and they would be taken off before then. I could feel the stress and anxiety over that just float off my shoulders! The rest of the evening was low key and relaxing (as relaxing as being in a hospital can be.)

Joe still hadn't had any seizures. I absolutely hated thinking this, but I wanted him to have on while on the EEG. I wanted answers. What had happened the day before with seizing every hour was NOT normal. I was so afraid they'd just send us home with a big question mark hanging over our heads. We got a call from our awesome pediatrician and he assured us that even if he didn't have a visible seizure, they could still pick up an abnormality on the EEG from him resting. I was hoping and praying for answers.

The next day we got them... just somewhat in an unexpected manner.