As I sit here in my recliner I reflect on this beautiful fall day. There is a crisp chill in the air, the trees are starting to change color and people are thinking crock pot meals and pumpkin spice candles instead of BBQ’s and sun block. Yet, I can still hear the chirping crickets. The orchestra of cicadas has drifted away these past few weeks, but the crickets still sing strongly in the cool evenings. It’s like summer and fall are one.
I sit here feeling a bit melancholy and fearful. I absolutely love the changing seasons. They are even more special now since I have become a mother. I have all these daydreams running through my head. I see Joe splashing in a baby pool and getting all dirty by playing outside in the dirt. I see him running through a giant pile of bright orange and red leaves and trick or treating. I see him playing in the snow and becoming mesmerized by twinkling Christmas lights. The reason I feel so blue is because we don’t have a house of our own to make these memories in.
My in-laws have graciously allowed us to live with them these past 5 months so Ryan and I can save up money to be able to afford to live in Kansas City. They have been nothing but welcoming and kind. Words cannot express how grateful we are for their unconditional love.
But I’m scared. Ryan’s job doesn’t bring a lot of income to our family. I have started a babysitting job that supplements some of his income, but just barely. It really isn’t feasible for me to get a full-time day job because we wouldn’t be able to afford the daycare. I sometimes wonder if we will ever be able to get a home of our own, and I mean renting our own home- the option of buying for us is as realistic as buying a spaceship. I see all these stories on the news about recession and poverty level and I immediately stress out.
We are thankful that my in-laws have opened their home to us, but we still want a place to call our own. I want my own plants to water in the spring and summer. I long for my own backyard with a vegetable garden and a swing set for Joe. I want my own front porch to put pumpkins out in the fall and a swing to spend relaxing evenings. I’d love my own kitchen to turn into a disaster while baking chocolate chip cookies.
My fear is that we will never have a house of our own. Are we destined to live in apartments forever and deal with barking dogs and neighbors who seem to think that no one will mind if they play their bass guitar at 3:00 in the morning?
Ryan and I are crippled by our debt of student loans. It is a burden I become anxious about every single day. I feel like we aren’t even making a dent in my loans. I know everyone worries about money. Our worry is constant. It is a “Will we ever be able to live on our own?” worry. It is a “Can we ever afford more children?” worry. I worry that when I talk about my dreams of having a large family people think, “Gosh, she is so stupid. They live with her in-laws! They are so foolish and irresponsible!” I’d rather have a large, loving family than any material thing.
Facebook can sometimes be a source of anxiety for me. I become green with envy when I see my friends (most who are younger than me) posing by “SOLD” signs or standing proudly in front of the door to the very nice home they just bought. I long for my own home when I see my friends posting their remodeling pictures. I get jealous of those friends who don’t have student loans to worry about or who have their debt all paid off.
I’m not asking for a 5 bedroom home, an annual summer vacation or satellite TV. I just want to know that after careful budgeting we can live in our own home, provide for our children and not live under this heavy burden of debt.
Ryan and I are doing our part as best we can to achieve this. We aren’t perfect by any means. There are times we mess up with our money. But we are trying.
We also try to trust in God to help us out.
We aren’t asking him to send us a check in the mail to cover our debt. We know it won’t go away overnight and that God expects us to help ourselves as best we can.
I have well meaning people tell me, “Trust that God will provide for you and your family.” I’ve also heard a saying, and I know I’m getting the words wrong, but it says something along the lines of, “Every time a baby is born, he comes with a loaf of bread under his arms for his family.”
There are tons of verses in Scripture that tell us not to worry:
But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?
(Psalm 56:3, 11)
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6:26)
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. (John 14:1)
Even in the second reading for this Sunday’s Mass it reads, “Brothers and sisters: Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4: 6-9)
I want to trust in God that He will take care of us. I want to take comfort that He will not let us fall if we truly are trying to do His will and to glorify His name. I want to find peace in His merciful love. I am in awe of those people who put their complete trust in God and have no fear.
But sometimes it is so hard to trust. Sometimes I get so frustrated because it seems that God isn’t listening to our pleas. It is hard to trust in someone you can’t see. I get so scared that maybe there isn’t even a God out there who will take care of us.
What if Jesus Christ was so manipulative and charismatic that he was able to change the course of civilization? What if he was such a dynamic speaker and brain-washer that he was able to convert thousands to his beliefs? What if he was such a maniac that he would even be tortured and die a gruesome death to make absolutely sure that people continued to follow his teaching?
What if we are all part of the biggest conspiracy of the entire history of mankind? It has become so elaborate and detailed that nearly every day of the year there is feast day or liturgical season devoted to honoring an absent God. Every prayer, every Bible verse, every note we’ve sung in a hymn at church- it’s all for nothing.
Sure, there is a God. But he doesn’t take care of us. He just set the world in motion and it is up to us, and only us, to take care of ourselves. Those people who say God has helped them and provided for them- they are just lucky and it’s a coincidence that help showed up around the same time they prayed for it. Our devotion to God is empty. It is a hoax. We are destined for nothingness.
When these thoughts pop into my head I become very panicky. Perhaps my husband and I are supposed to be miserable with this cross of a huge debt. It is what it is. No God will help us in our time of need.
But I look around me and I look inside me, and I know that all these doubts and fears I have about God just aren’t true. I don’t have proof either way, but I still lean towards the God is Love camp instead of the God is Chillaxin' in His Lazy Boy and Doesn't Care About You camp. I won’t even say that something poetic like a fiery fall sunset or a baby’s laugh or that warm fuzzy feeling you get at Christmastime is what makes me know there is a God. It is in my innermost being. It is faith. I know that isn’t a great argument against atheism or agnosticism, but I'll leave the heavy lifting to the theologians.
Christianity is not a hoax. If Jesus were just a human, and an evil human at that if he duped that many people, then Christianity would not have lasted 2000 years, especially through those turbulent years known as the Reformation. God has provided for us. Ryan and I are still doing well. We’re not at the brink of having to live in a box by the river and have the state take care of our child. I have a tendency to look at the negative instead of the blessings.
It is so hard to trust God. You know those trust exercises where you fall backwards and trust the person behind you to catch you? Well imagine if that person were invisible. It makes it so much harder to fall and trust. Jesus will take care of us. God wants us to be happy. But then I get confused with that whole redemptive suffering thing and true happiness awaits us in heaven deal. I always long for “better times” where I am happy and not worried. If I do God’s will I will get that someday- in heaven, for all eternity. It would just be nice to be able to experience some of that while I’m still on this earth.
I find when I start feeling all Jesus-Isn’t-Real then it is time to go to confession. I need a soul-scrubbin’ and a good spiritual arse kick. I also need to realize that I am not the one in control. God knows what he is doing. I just wish he’d send me a flaming arrow from heaven with a scroll on it telling me of His plans. Even a post-it note would do.
I know things will get better. That is my mantra these days.
Jesus, I trust in you. Help me to trust in You.
11 comments:
You are a wise woman to turn to scripture, prayer, and confession when you start to doubt. When faced with a spiritual battle, use the weapons He gave us.
And, on a practical, you-didn't-ask-for-advice-but-I'm-going-to-offer-some note: Have you considered putting your student loans in deferment or forebearance (can't remember which we did - but there wasn't any requirement other than the application and was effective immediately)? I know it's not an ideal solution, BUT, it would give you some time to save some money to put towards a deposit for a place to rent or a down payment for a place to buy. Freeing up some of your student loan payment $ for a temporary time may be just the 'boost' you need. Feel free to tell me to butt out :).
You are in my prayers sweet friend!
I hear you on the student loans! And wondering if I will ever get out of apartment living! I've been trying to find something else to get away from my noisy, smoky neighbors, but it's so expensive to rent right now. You are so right that Scripture and confession are some great places to turn to.
I would like to second Rebecca's advice on the forbearance. Look into it. Also...on some more, you-didn't-ask-for-it advice...Have you read Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey? Or maybe you could find a Financial Peace University class in your area? The counselors through that have all kinds of unique ideas on how to get out of debt...even over-burdensome student loan debt. It's kind of common sense, but honestly, when we went through I thought, "Why didn't I think of that?!?" and was so glad I'd gone to the class.
I am going to have to chat with you later...
Hang in there Maggie. You are NOT irresponsible and no one is thinking that about you. I know it's hard to believe when you're in a hard situation like this, but really, NO ONE is looking at you, maggie, and saying or thinking anything unkind about your finances or living situation. You seem to be surrounded by people who love you, so I bet they are praying for you. I am. :)
Oh Maggie, we were sooooo in your shoes a few years ago. Phil was making $1300 take home pay every month, we were paying $500 in rent and $600 in student loans and we had a baby. I babysat and tutored kids in math to make extra money. We put a free ad out in our local newspaper that we were looking to "housesit" someone's home. And somebody actually called us and said we could live in their summer house during the winter for free! All we had to do was upkeep on the lawn, shovel snow, get mail, etc. It was a godsend! Then we had another baby (not planned) and moved into an apartment/two family house that cost us $1000/month rent which completely ate into the little savings we had, and I had to start working more. So along with babysitting and tutoring, I also did accounting for small businesses in the afternoon when Phil was home...worked at H&R Block during tax season...and Phil became DRE at our parish in addition to full-time teaching.
More babies came and I started working a "real" job part-time while my sister watched my kids and I watched hers while she worked part-time. Once all four of my kids were in school (oh, did I mention i also became the school's accountant...doing work from home in return for tuition) I started working full time.
And now with baby 5, I am about to go back to work full time bc we just can't make ends meet without it. We will have to pay for daycare for him until he is in preschool but it's worth it for me to have this job for the future.
So, I guess what I'm trying to show you is that it is SUPER common for young married couples to struggle and juggle things to make ends meet. You are not alone. Too bad you didn't live closer and I could pay you to watch Xander :) And babies do come with a loaf of bread. God does provide through our hard work!
First and most importantly ~hugs! I know trust is hard, and am so glad you are reaching out for support. We all become a wonderful support network.
As you envy me my paid off loans, I envy you your youth and ability to plan for a large family ~ children came to us late and Liam may well be our youngest.
In time we will all (with God's grace) see the grand plan.
It is so funny that you wrote about how you want to have a house now when we are just getting out of ours. I enjoyed it as best as I could, but I am looking forward to getting rid of the huge staggering amount of debt and having a nice small amount of space to live in.
Ditto to those saying how wise you are for turning to scripture and sacraments! I'll pray for your continued wisdom in knowing how to handle your debt situation.
Well, you are looking to the right place for consolation and that's a start.
I'm realising anew how very very blessed we are to not have college debt. We were able to buy a house outright before we married. More and more, I see that was a very rare thing for a couple so young.
I was always skeptical that college is not the blanket right-for-everyone choice. My husband once believed it was, but he too is changing his mind. It costs so much to get a degree in our world right now that it pretty much cripples you for years to come. And like you and Ryan, many people do not get the dream job they're promised will fall into their laps upon graduating. For our own kids, if they're truly smart and have an interest in and aptitude for something they'll need a college education to peruse, we'll do all we can to help them do that. If not, we plan to try to help them find something that won't take up four years of their life to learn or leave them burdened by debt. There are plenty of jobs out there that one doesn't need a bachelor's degree for that make plenty of money for a family to live on.
I know you cannot go back and change the choice you made to go to college, but at least you can try to learn from it so you can offer your own kids advice someday.
You will be in my prayers.
Boy can I relate to some of that. We've been home owners now for almost 2 years and are moving out to rent again Nov 1st. Bankruptcy, foreclosure (and I'm so frugal, my hubby works 3 jobs currently, and I have my BA degree).
I mostly relate to "I worry that when I talk about my dreams of having a large family people think, “Gosh, she is so stupid. They live with her in-laws! They are so foolish and irresponsible!” I’d rather have a large, loving family than any material thing."
We're right at the poverty level, and I know we could very easily be out of it when my husband gets promoted in one job or sells some decent work -- he's in construction. but right now, I'm considering being on food stamps, my daughters are on medicaid and how can you contemplate your dreams of having another child when everyone thinks you're a criminal stealing out of their pockets just for wanting them? Ugh. Sigh.
Thanks for your honesty.
Hey Maggie,
Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. Please know you're in my prayers. I think it's common to have a rocky patch when you are first married.
Eric was unemployed the whole first year we were married, and I was only working part-time, making not much money (did I mention I was in grad school?). It was only by his parents generosity and some savings that we made it through that time. We have also had a "graduated re-payment plan" on my student loans from grad school (the ones from college were small and low interest). Luckily for us, Eric did not have any loans from undergrad or law school. Thank God for that. We would not have been able to afford our house payments if he did.
There's this awesome saying; God makes a way out of no way. He always provides.
Also, please do not ever regret your college education. Please. Education for the sake of knowledge and learning is important. It's worth it. It really is. You will be a wonderful example to your children because you are educated.
Hi there. I was googling something else and came across your blog and wanted to share a little of my story with you, and how God brought us through.
We just bought a house, which was impossible four months ago. In the process of buying the house, we had to dig through our taxes for the mortgage processor. Long story short, in going through the taxes, we came across our 2002 taxes, when we DID own a house, had 3 little girls 5 and under, an $1100 a month mortgage, and made a grand total of $21K that YEAR.
Five years later we filed bankruptcy, but God brought us through that hard time and was there, always provided, and NOW, five years after the bankruptcy, after 8 criss cross moves across the country and lots of closed doors, God has proved faithful, Jesus has healed, and we aren't going to rent anymore.
Having little kids around is such a joyful time!! But, it is also a stressful, money sucking time and it will feel like you may never overcome. Hang on to those promises. Know that God Almighty knows how to give good gifts to His children.
As far as the student debt, try rounding the payment up to the nearest $5 every month. Smile when you pay it :)
You're on the right track, and when you're tired, nothing seems right with the world ;) Sending prayers your way. God will work crazy miracles right before your eyes. It's pretty fun to watch.
Post a Comment