I am the Jekyll and Hyde of Body Image

Photo Credit: Artist MCSimon; Original Source can be found here.

A couple months ago I went through my old journals. I was shocked to see that when I was 12 years old I had made a list of New Year's resolutions and on that list was "lose weight." Did my journey with struggling with body image really start that early?!

Since then I've always been on a see-saw regarding how I look. I'll go through phases of being happy with my body, then the next phase soon occurs- I'll look in the mirror and scream in disdain, "I'm SO fat and ugly!"

I learned early in high school that there are some things about myself that I just cannot change. My short stature is one of them. I longed to burst out of my barely 5 foot frame and have a tall physique, or at least an average height. But I knew no medicine or exercise was going to make me taller, and I soon came to appreciate this unique quality of myself.

My thin hair, my super abundance of freckles and nose were other parts of my body that I just gave up lamenting over. Sure, I'm not always happy with them, but I found it was a waste of time trying to scheme a way of raising money for a nose job or freckle removal.

I remember being semi-unhappy with my weight during high school. (I look back at pictures of myself back then and wonder what the heck I was so unhappy about!) During my senior year of high school I decided to really start taking care of my body. I started eating healthier and exercised nearly everyday. I wasn't a health-freak. I didn't cut out calories or exercise to the point of exhaustion. It was a healthy balance of wanting to look better and feel better.

And boy did I achieve those goals! I am convinced that my healthier lifestyle helped me combat the depression I was struggling with the few months before my senior year began. And I looked pretty darn good, if I say so myself. (I still look back at pictures from our senior trip, me lounging by the lake in my bikini..... sigh.....)

Then college hit and my weight and body image yo-yo'd all over the place. In my days of partying and other shenanigans I maintained a low weight, but it was due to barely eating because of depression and drinking too much. Sure I looked good, but just looking at the bags under my eyes and the complete exhaustion and unhappiness reminded me of how I didn't feel good.

When I got out of that situation and started at Benedictine I started gaining weight. Maybe it was because I started dating Ryan and I was finally happy. I knew he was one of those guys who didn't care what his girlfriend looked like as long as she was happy and healthy.

The pounds started piling on and then I was asked to be the maid of honor for one of my best friends. Suddenly trying on bridesmaids dresses caused me to realize just how much I let myself go. My self-esteem plummeted, so in between classes I popped in my Pilates DVD and started contorting my body in all sorts of poses that usually made me fall into hysterical laughter. I lost a few pounds, but I was so busy and stressed with school that I didn't quite reach my weight-loss goal. However, since I had been exercising and eating healthier- I was happier and felt better about myself.

My weight kept fluctuating, usually depending on my stress level with classes. (For example: finals week = steady diet of McDonalds and Taco Bell.) As far as my body image went, well, I wasn't too concerned with how I dressed or looked. Many of the girls I had class with also wore PJ pants or wore their hair in messy buns. It wasn't a campus full of super models- we were just trying to be comfortable.

Then I got engaged and decided I was going to take losing weight and getting healthier more seriously. I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and to my surprise, it really did work. I knew I needed extra encouragement to exercise and eat right, and WW definitely helped me. I lost 10 pounds, and even though I wished I could have lost a few more pounds, I felt happy and beautiful when I put on my wedding dress and walked down the aisle.

Then of course the vicious cycle began again. After I got married I started gaining weight like crazy. I'd like to blame happy newly-wedded bliss and unemployment, but I'll just go ahead and admit it- I got super lazy. I started feeling like a fat slob. Then in the late summer I got pregnant and then had a miscarriage, so I really had no desire to work out.

Now I am pregnant again. You'd think I would be worrying over my drastically changing body, but surprisingly, I haven't been. I've always had a poochie stomach, so seeing my tummy balloon because of a baby (instead of fat) has made me happy. There was an "in between" stage where I looked more "fat" instead of "pregnant" but that didn't last long.

I have been eating healthier and walking nearly everyday, so I haven't gained too much weight. My doctor has said I am right on track when it comes to weight gain during pregnancy. There are those people who have made comments about how I'm getting too big, too quickly. Um, hello people- I am a short person! There is only one way for this baby to go and that is OUT. I'd rather look like I'm carrying a jumbo-sized beach ball under my shirt that have this baby crack all my ribs!

Then there is Jillian Michaels, the personal trainer famous for her work on the TV show The Biggest Loser, who has stated she doesn't want to get pregnant because she "doesn't want to ruin her body." When I saw that on the TV I went all Darth Pregger/Pregg-zilla and threw a baby carrot at the TV screen. I won't even begin to address that comment.

But yes, my body has changed dramatically. However, I am embracing my curves. There are parts of my body that I had always wished were bigger that suddenly are and wowsers... it's awesome! There are some changes that I could do without- like stretch marks. My goodness it looks like a cat has scratched up my thighs! Now I see why they call stretch marks "the red badge of motherhood!" Then there are parts of my body that are developing into a sort of cottage cheese-like substance. But you know what? I'm growing a precious human being. The baby inside me is healthy, I am healthy- and that is all that matters. I don't care if I'm not going to look like a cute preggo lady in my swimsuit this summer. I don't care if I ever look like I did when I was a senior in high school. As long as I am healthy and the babies I carry are healthy- I am happy.

So what is my point of this post? I think I have finally realized what has caused me to shift from being happy with my body to being disgusted with it: I compare myself to others way too often. When I have been unhappy with my body image it is usually because I look at someone else and wish I could look more like them. Sure, I might be perfectly healthy, but when I bend what happiness is for me and want to look "sexy" or have super cute clothes like so-and-so I see at a restaurant or in a movie I am miserable.

Comparing myself could be disastrous during my pregnancy because there are a lot of pregnant women out there who don't have any stretch marks, who look phenomenal in a bikini or who brag about only gaining X amount of pounds throughout their pregnancy. If I compare myself to these women I would be even crabbier than I am now, but thankfully I haven't been.

But when I stop comparing myself to others and focus on being healthy- that's when I am happiest with my body image. Sure I didn't lose all the weight I could have for my best friend's wedding or my own wedding, but I felt good about myself and happy for both occasions.

I'm sure this cycle of feeling good about myself will shift after I have the baby. Who knows how my body will adjust to caring for an infant while trying to get back into shape. Hopefully I don't fall back into comparing myself to others who have just had babies.

I have so many other things to say about female-worth and body image, but there is package of Keebler Elf cookies, a glass of milk and a movie calling my name!