Peace in this Pregnancy

"God, you are going to wait until my doctor's appointment for me to feel like you are listening, aren't you?" I asked the Lord last night during my fervent prayers.

I couldn't hear him at the time, but his answer was a resounding, "Yup."

I've been praying so hard these past couple of weeks. I've prayed for a natural birth. I've prayed for no pre-eclampsia. I've prayed for the good health of my baby and me. Most of all I have prayed to do God's will. I just had no idea what God's will was going to be.

I have been so confused and worried and I felt no comfort from God. I felt like he wasn't hearing me. I felt like he was just leaving me hanging. C-section or VBAC, Lord? What's it going to be?

I went into my doctor's appointment somewhat numb. I had a gut feeling that I would not have any progress. I was just worried that my doctor would pressure me into a c-section. I hate confrontation and am a coward.

The appointment didn't start off well. I was really nervous and anxious with a great sense of dread, even though my favorite nurse was there and she always reassures me. She took my blood pressure. Of course it was high. She said it wasn't dangerously high, but higher than it normally is. I asked her if my urine specimen was OK and she went to check on it.

When she left I broke down. I haven't cried about any of this at all. Either God's grace has given me strength or my anti-depressants have been working. I tried to calm myself down. I begged St. Gerard to help me in my hour of need. He answered my prayer- through my husband. Ryan stood in front of me and pulled out a dollar bill and a shit-eating grin and said, "I'll give you a dollar if you smile!" It was so corny and so cute and so Ryan that I couldn't help but smile. That lead us to having a long conversation about which presidents we think should be on U.S. currency and how if the movies can digitally create werewolves then they should be able to digitally create an expression on Kristin Stewart's face. I was laughing and my anxiety melted away. The nurse never came back.

The doctor came in and checked the baby's heartbeat. Perfect. I asked him about my blood pressure and urine. He said it was only slightly high and he wasn't worried at all. He said I have no swelling and look great. (THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU BABY JESUS FOR NO PRE-ECLAMPSIA!!!!) Then he checked me. There was The Look. The Look I was prepared for. He shook his head and said the presentation of the baby was just one of the crummiest positions he could be in. He apologized and said he felt so badly that things couldn't be different. He wanted so badly for me to have a vaginal birth. I could tell he felt bad about delivering bad news. I told him I had consulted with some NFP instructors and they said my due date was probably around August 5th. He agreed, but was still discouraged at how free-floating the baby is.

I took a breath and asked if we could wait to do a c-section until Monday. He was totally cool with it, especially since he was going on vacation on Thursday. He did say he wanted to a biophysical profile of the baby tomorrow to make sure everything is OK in there. I am VERY relieved to have that test because as much as I want to wait, I'm paranoid that something could go wrong with the baby in utero. He thinks the test will turn out fine.

We did an sonogram with one of the crappy office machines to make sure he was head down. He was. He showed me the big empty space where his head should be engaged.

He said for me to make an appointment with him on Monday. I told him that if I hadn't delivered naturally by then I would be willing to have a c-section. He was relieved and set me up with the appointment coordinator.

I left the appointment full of peace. Tomorrow I will get reassurance of how my son is doing inside me. I have a few days for my body to cooperate. And if not, that's OK with me. If nothing happens I will go into my c-section knowing that I tried. I waited. Yes, I could wait a couple more weeks if my due date is the 5th, but in all honesty, I don't want to wait that long. But I did wait. I tried. I can always say I tried.

And who knows, maybe in these next few days my body will cooperate. Maybe I will get the VBAC I've always wanted. I am still praying for that. Miracles do happen. But if it's God's will that I have a c-section I will be much more at peace with it all. I won't argue with him as much.

The more and more I think about it, I'm excited. In less than a week I will FINALLY meet my son. I will get to hold him and cuddle with him and see what he looks like. Instead of depression and failure if I go in for a c-section I will have excitement. Birth is a very important part of a woman's life. But that is just a small piece of the puzzle. It's not all about labor and delivery- it's about the child. The child that God blessed me with and that I get to cherish for years and years and years.

I asked God for peace of mind and he has definitely given that to me. I got permission to wait a few days instead of being wisked away to a c-section tonight like I feared.

Things are going to work out perfectly. Yes, I pray and hope for a VBAC, but I will follow God's will. He knows best. I always seem to forget that part.

I do want to thank you all for your support and prayers. There are many of you that I have never met that are praying for me and your kindness makes me want to cry. Words can't express how much I appreciate all the love and encouragement. Prayer really does work. Really, truly.

We'll see how the next few days go! 

Overdue and Feeling Fine (?)

Yesterday was my due date.

Still no baby.

It's so strange comparing this pregnancy with my last. With Joe I was nowhere near emotionally ready to give birth. I thought I was going to a routine appointment and before I could wrap my head around it all I was being induced that night due to horrific blood pressure. It all happened so fast.

Now time is draaaaaaaaaggggingggggg on... I don't feel like anything is going on down there. I had some major nausea and frequented the porcelain throne (not to throw up...) quite a bit the other night, which some say means labor could start soon, but there's still no contractions or anything.

I feel awesome physically. My back doesn't really hurt, my feet are fine, I'm not too hot and I haven't felt any kind of pain. Yeah, I'm a little bit exhausted. I'm bummed that I can't fit into my maternity clothes anymore and wish I could wear my own clothes instead of my husband's comic book t-shirts (although their vintage-y softness is an added bonus!) I have a bit of tenderness around my navel but it only hurts when a certain toddler pushes on it with his feet in the middle of the night.

Emotionally I'm not doing so hot. I'm impatient to meet our son. I want to hold him. I want to see Joe's reaction. Today Joe was playing with his Cabbage Patch baby doll and was hugging it and kissing it. My heart melted into a soppy mess of motherly love. I cannot wait to see him as a big brother. I want to see who the baby looks like. The very first thought that popped into my head when they brought me Joe was, "Oh my goodness, he looks like Ryan!" Will this child look like me? Will he have lots of hair since he's had more time to cook? How big will he be? I want to see Ryan hold him. I want to see my nephew Max's reaction because he has been very interested in my pregnancy. I'm ready for iddy biddy diapers and breastfeeding and spit up and swaddling.

I'm anxious as to when this will all start. Will my water break today? Tomorrow? At Mass? At the store? Will I get contractions in the middle of the night?

I'm nervous about my appointment on Tuesday. I used to LOVE going to my doctor's appointments, but this one I am dreading. According to my NFP charts I think my actual due date is closer to August 5th. I have an NFP-only doctor so I am sure he will listen to my concerns. I'm just hate confrontation and worry that I will be pressured into getting a c-section. Not just because of my small hips or because of the baby not dropping, but because I am getting impatient. But really there is no medical reason for me to get cut yet.

I want a VBAC so badly. I want to feel that pain. I want to feel the power and glory of how God made the female body. I want to experience what my mother did and her mother before her. I want to see my baby right out of the chute instead of waiting. I want my husband to see his son emerge from my body. I want him to be an active part of the process.

I have been praying so so so so very hard. I know I have others praying for me as well. I want to do God's will. But I don't know what that is. Is his will that I have a c-section because if I wait any longer the baby will be in danger? Is his will for me to be patient and I will have a happy, peaceful vaginal birth? This end of pregnancy has dropped me to my knees and begged for his help. But I don't hear him. I wish he would send me an email.

Lots of women go over their due dates. I know this. But considering my history of pre-eclampsia and the fact I want a VBAC and that I'm on the small size just makes it all more nerve wracking!

Hopefully my next post will be a birth announcement. Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers! I need them!

Thank you so much!

I just want to give a huge shout out to y'all for your prayers, advice and information. I do not feel as discouraged. Knowledge is power. With my novena to St. Gerard and the prayers of my family and friends (both real life and on-line) I feel at peace. I'm just going to let it be, and let nature take its course. We'll see how I feel on Tuesday at my appointment.

I must apologize, however, for giving a bad impression of my doctor in my last blog post. He is a very pro-life, pro-VBAC, good Catholic doctor. He has always calmed my fears and stressed numerous times that it is MY choice how to go about getting a VBAC. Yes, he said some things yesterday that made me worry, but it is his job to tell me the benefits and risks of a vaginal delivery. Like I said, knowledge is power. He also stressed to me a couple times that even though it appears I may not achieve a VBAC he has said he has been proven wrong many times before. I know some people have had very bad experiences with their OB. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be. Still, I trust God, my body and my doctor.

But I still want to express my most sincere thanks to everybody who has prayed and offered advice and encouragement. I know I would totally be freaking out right now if I didn't have the power of God and of friends. THANK YOU!

VBAC Hopes Fading...

I had my 39 week appointment today. I wasn't going to get too excited because I had a feeling that nothing had changed from last week. I had no progress then.

My blood pressure and weight were fine. The baby's heartbeat was fantastic. But the look on his face when he was checking me did not give me hope. He just kind of sighed and had that "I hate to tell you this" look on his face. He informed me that my chances for a VBAC were not looking too good at this point because the baby hadn't dropped. Since we are treating this as my first vaginal birth he said that by this time in my pregnancy the baby should have been somewhat engaged in my pelvis. The baby's head is nowhere near getting to that point. That fact that he is not could possibly mean my pelvis is too small for him to get down there.

My water could break and I could dilate, but if my baby's head is not down there is a risk for cord prolapse. Or I could start to push and my pelvis won't be wide enough for the baby's head to pass through. Both of these are serious risks with having a vaginal delivery.

He said he has been pleasently surprised before with women who he was convinced were not going to be able to have a VBAC. They delivered beautifully. He talked about how delivering babies is such a crazy game and you never know what God has in store.

Even though he is doubtful I will be able to have a successful VBAC, he told me that it was still my choice. I could schedule a c-section or wait another week. I decided to wait. My due date is this Friday and my next appointment is the following Tuesday. I wanted to give my body a little longer.

I did shed a few tears while driving home but I didn't have a full break down like I thought I would. I tried looking at the bright side. If I do have a c-section, I have been through one before and know what to expect. And unlike last time I know there is a possibility of a c-section. With Joe I was in denial about having a c-section pretty much up to the point to where they were wheeling me into the O.R. And I know what the recovery is like with a c-section and I had a very fast and easy one with my first c-section.

I haven't developed pre-eclampsia so far which is a HUGE blessing. I don't know how I could take care of Joe and a newborn while battling high blood pressure. It was a huge scary ordeal for me and really took away a lot of the joy in welcoming Joe to the world.

If my pelvis is too small to deliver vaginally then thank God for modern medicine and c-sections so that my baby and I can be safe from harm.

My doctor has assured me that just because I have c-sections doesn't mean that I have to have a small family. He has on many occasions delivered a woman's fourth or fifth child by c-section with no complications.

No matter what the means are to get the baby out, the end will be the same- a precious baby to hold in my arms. 

I'm still pretty bummed. I know that there is still hope for a VBAC, but I am getting very discouraged. And even if my water breaks I will be scared that my baby hasn't dropped and complications could occur. Although my  measurements have lined up perfectly with how many weeks I am, I still wonder if my due date is off. All these doubts and questions and worries are going through my head. I still get jealous of women when I hear about their vaginal deliveries. Now I will be jealous of those women who had successful VBACs.

I am praying a novena to St. Gerard that is to end on my due date. My prayers are to keep baby and me safe and for me to accept God's will regarding VBAC/c-section. I know I have many friends and family praying for me as well, which I am very grateful for. I'm just stubborn and want God's will to conform to mine.

Who knows what will happen in the next week. Like my doctor said, who knows what God has in store for us! I'm still anxious and nervous, but God knows best.

God knows best.

Saddened and Scared

Last night Ryan and his brother Conor left to go see The Dark Knight Rises. They were so excited, practically pacing the floors waiting to leave for the theater. They have loved everything and anything about Batman since they were little boys. I was excited for them and maybe even a little jealous that I could not go along.

Around 3:30 a.m. or so Ryan comes walking in our bedroom. There was barely any light, but I could see his brilliant, wide smile. "How was it?" I asked. "It was freaking awesome!!!" the big toothy grin answered. It was like he was on an adrenaline high. I smiled and fell back asleep, happy that he and his brother had a good time and watched a great movie.

But how many wives, mothers, and girlfriends woke up this morning and their loved one never came home? Did they ever imagine that something as fun and innocent as going to a midnight showing of a movie could result in their loved one's untimely death? They went to bed thinking they would wake up to their beloved safe and warm in their bed.

I woke up this morning and saw the news of the shootings at a movie theater in Aurora, CO. How easily that could have been Kansas City. It could have been my husband or brother in law that was injured or killed. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I have always had a great fear of mass shootings. I was petrified to go to class the week the Virginia Tech shooting massacre occured. I barely went to class that week. When I finally felt comfortable to go I would spent the classtime thinking of frightening scenerios and how I could escape. A year later one of my good friends was shot while at work. One of his co-workers' nutso ex-boyfriend came in looking to kill her. She got away, but my friend and his boss were shot. Thanks be to God they both survived, but it was a very scary ordeal that involved a lot of hospital and recovery time.

Since then there have been shootings in malls, in schools, political events, pretty much any public place. Sometimes when I'm shopping I get paranoid when I see that suspicious looking guy with the backpack or the kid leaning against a wall all by himself. I was planning on going to see The Dark Knight Rises tonight, but now I am not so sure. How can I enjoy it?

I'm getting sick of all these shootings and massacres. Is it really the international terrorists we need to worry about? What in the heck is wrong with these young people? Where are they getting these guns? Where are they getting these sick ideas to step into a movie theater dressed in a bullet-proof vest, wear a gas mask, detonate a smoke bomb, and shoot people? Did you know that one of those injured was a 3 month old? The baby is fine and safe with their parents, but seriously? An infant could have died at a movie theater? That's eff'd up. The whole thing is eff'd up. I find it ironic that the shooting occurred at a Batman movie. This crime sounds like something Bane or The Joker would take joy in committing. Instead, it was an ordinary human being. The sad thing is we have no real-life Batman to swoop in and take this criminal out before he can do any harm.

There are so many problems in the world. Childhood obesity, no jobs, you name it. Not to downplay any of these, but I think it is more important to focus on raising our children up morally and right instead of making sure they don't eat too many processed foods.

I don't want to live in a world where I am scared to go to the mall or theater or ball game because I'm afraid my husband or I will get shot. I don't want to live in a world where I am afraid to send my child to school because some classmate of theirs wants to kill as many people as he can before he takes his own life.

Why does this seem to be the trend now- the shootings, the bombings? Is it our culture? Our parenting strageties? Social media? Video games and TV? Why do some people feel the only way to express their anger or sadness is to take the lives of others? I don't get it. I suppose we will never understand evil in the world.

Is there anything we can do to stop these hateful crimes? Is there any solution?

I am 39 weeks pregant today and I wonder what kind of world I am bringing my babies into. Can I raise them to make a difference in this world? To be good people? What if I fail?

My heart and prayers go out to all the victims and families of the Aurora theater shootings. I have big respect for Warner Bros. for canceling their Dark Knight Rises events in Paris tonight out of respect for those who have died. My husband came home last night and cuddled with our son and me. Cherish those moments. Cherish life. You never know what tomorrow can bring.     

37 Weeks 6 Days

I was one day shy of 38 weeks when pre-eclampsia kicked my butt and I was induced. Joe was not ready to come out so 2 days later I had to have a c-section. With that began a whole new chapter in our lives. A very terrifying, exciting, and hilarious chapter, indeed.

I am at that point in my pregnancy today. My blood pressure has been perfect so far, thank God (and St. Gerard!) So I don't think we'll be meeting our son today.

So far my doctor has been totally laid-back and awesome about my wishes for a VBAC. He said the only way he would suggest a c-section is if I'm at 40 weeks and my cervix is still long and thick. However, he stressed multiple times that it is MY choice, which I really appreciate. He is open to what I feel is best. I just pray pre-e doesn't sneak up later in pregnancy to spoil it all. I feel good knowing that I have a very open-minded doctor.

Now it is the waiting game that is killing me. I've started the exercise ball bouncing, the EPO insertion, walking and... ahem... the frequent act of renewing our marriage vows to get things somewhat started. I know it won't work unless baby is ready, but I am willing to try. I'm getting anxious. I wonder if my water will break or if I will even dilate and efface. If my labor and delivery with Joe would have been "normal" would I have been able to do it all, or would I have stalled, or Joe's heart rate get too low? Who knows. So far my doctor hasn't mentioned this baby being too big like my last OB did with Joe, so that gives me a little hope that I can squeeze him through.

Not only am I anxious about when this is all going to go down, but I'm wondering how our family will adjust from three to four. It has always been just us three. I know it will be a challenge to adjust to two. It will be different. It is just weird to think about our family growing. I've always wanted a big family, but I'm so used to just one child that I don't know what to expect with two.

I often wonder how I will be able to handle two children. I already have experience with a newborn, so I don't think I'll be quite as petrified as I was with Joe. However, with newborn Joe I had only him to focus on. Now I will have a newborn AND Joe. I keep feeling like I'm going to forget something, like how to breastfeed. I feel like there's something I need to buy, but I don't know what it is. I'm so ready to meet this baby, but anxious, too.

I've been feeling guilty because I know my attention will be divided between Joe and the new baby. I've been so tired lately that I haven't had much energy to do anything, let alone play with Joe. I already feel like I am neglecting him by putting in a movie while I get some rest. I know the greatest gift you can give a child is a sibling and there are many times I see him interacting with other kids and can't wait to see him with a little brother.

This baby will be loved, no matter how unsure or scared we are about expanding our family. It might be scary, but I know it will be exciting to see our family grow.

The past few weeks Ryan, Joe and I have taken evening rides in our van. We get some ice cream at McDonalds or Sonic and just ride around. I enjoy these outings as a family and I can't wait to add another member to our summer cruises.

I just wish he would hurry up!