Music to My Ears: Our Baby's Heartbeat

This picture was (is) a very accurate depiction of me.

Finally- after 5 1/2 weeks we had our doctor's appointment! I can't believe that our last appointment was two days after Ash Wednesday and this appointment was on the Tuesday of Holy Week. Maybe that's why this Lent seems to have flown by- I was waiting very anxiously for our next appointment.

Of course last night the pessimist in me came rearing her ugly head.

What if they can't find the heartbeat?

What if something has gone horribly wrong?

What if I bought maternity clothes too early?

My paranoia was a lot less than it had been previously. There was nothing going on down there that made me think that we could have lost the baby. However, any woman who is expecting is going to worry. Take a woman who has had a miscarriage and her worry is 100,000 times worse. Take it from me, don't ever tell a woman who has lost a baby not to worry.

But my fears were alleviated as soon as I sat on the bed/chair thingy in the office. The nurse pulled out the doppler (a doppler is a hand-held device that measures the baby's heartbeat.) I was expecting it to take a minute to find the heartbeat, but within seconds she found it and it was thump-thump-thumping away! The rate was 150... just right! A huge weight was lifted from my heart and even more excitement than I felt before came flooding in!

Now the next step is the second trimester ultrasound.... which means..... we have the opportunity to find out the sex of the baby!

A couple weeks ago I was on the fence about finding out the gender. Part of me thought about keeping it a surprise for my husband's sake. During a pregnancy, most of the attention is focused on the mother-to-be. But I was thinking that waiting to find the sex of the baby would be a special moment for my husband. After the baby is born and the doc announces "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" he gets to walk to the waiting room, just minutes before he was just a man, but now he's a father, and he's the one that gets to announce the news to the rest of the family. He gets to have that wonderful news in his heart for just a couple minutes before the rest of the world knows. I just always thought that would be a nice thing for him to do.

Then there is the "find out" camp. A lot of people say they bond better with the baby when they know the gender. That could be the case for me, but I think that I will be bonding with this baby no matter what. Others say that I'll want to buy baby stuff and prepare the nursery. Yes, that would be a huge convenience, especially for me who always wants to be prepared beforehand, but waiting to get all the girlie stuff or boy stuff wouldn't be a big deal for me.

Why do I want to find out? Because I HAAAAAAAAAVE to know! I just want to KNOW! I'm such a nosy person and I'm especially nosy about a person that's growing in my uterus! I am just too impatient... waaaaaaay too impatient! Plus, I've heard horror stories of those parents who DO want to wait, and the doctor or ultrasound tech accidentally blurts out the gender. I would hate for that to happen... so maybe to stop that disappointment we'll just go ahead and find out...

Thanks everyone who have been praying for Ryan, Baby C and me!

Oh, and just a little update: my pregnancy cocktail of irritability and moodiness has gone down a tad (much to my husband's relief) and my newest craving is soft-serve ice cream. Not any ice cream- it HAS to be soft-serve and thankfully the town we live in has it available everyday until 9:00 p.m.

St. Gerard and St. Gianna- pray for us!

No Quick Takes

No Quick Takes this week, folks. The purpose of Quick Takes is to piece together little tidbits that don't equal up to a full blog post. But I don't have enough tidbits to even make up 7 quick takes.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Not spiritually (thank goodness) but just a depressed/irritable funk. I'm sure I can chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, but it is still a pain in the bum. I've been stressed about so many little things- like facebook statuses that I take personally, my neighbors pounding up and down the stairs and annoying the living crap out of me, not having a washer and dryer- just stupid stuff, really.

Then there's the big stuff. This whole health care bill has weighed very heavily on my heart. People fighting each other over it (here comes my Pollyanna view of the world...), family and friends divided... it just makes me sad. Then there are finances... I'm just so afraid that finances will block our way of having the family that God wants us to have. Then there's the fact that I want to get out of this town and on to a good (hopefully Catholic) community... and where we don't have to drive 25 miles to a good grocery store and entertainment.

I'm also now getting paranoid about our next doctor's appointment this coming Tuesday. Normally appointments are 4 weeks apart, but we decided to wait close to 6 weeks for the next appointment because we're doing some testing. Things feel like they are going perfectly, but I'm still a little worried that when we go to hear the heartbeat it won't be there. I'm sure everything will turn out just fine, but it's just been so long since we've had that visible evidence that all is well.

I've been trying to walk everyday- not only to benefit the baby and myself health-wise, but just to get my happy-feelings a'movin' to the rest of my body.

Sorry this sounds all gloomy and depressing. These feelings just popped out of nowhere just a couple days ago. For the most part I'm grateful for the blessings God has given me and I try SO very hard to shake off these crappy feelings. I know I just need to toughen up and get over it!!!I'm craving Sunday and Mass so I can be with Jesus. Perhaps I should go to daily Mass?

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol. 11

Check out more 7 Quick Takes at Jennifer's Conversion Diary!

1.

I. am. so. tired.

My mom and I went shopping today for maternity clothes. In these past 2 weeks my belly has ballooned and it isn't all flab or Taco Bell gas. I'm finding it hard to sleep on my stomach, which I have always done, because it feels I'm sleeping on a small speed bump. Plus with being as short as I am- there's no room for the baby to grow except for OUT! I wonder if I'll ever start to topple over in the later months.

2.

Shopping was fun for the most part. I'm one of those strange types of girls and usually HATE shopping. I'm at such a strange size right now. I'm bigger than I was 14 weeks ago, but I'm not quite to the size where maternity clothes look cute. I kind of look dumpy, but I know the cute preggo look will arrive soon. (I hope!)

3.

Today was awesome while hanging out with mom. We giggled a lot. I made her go look at every baby department in every store we went to. Trying on clothes was more fun than usual since she was there with me.

4.

While we were in the Target baby section I talked to mom about my decision to use cloth diapers. Yes, we'll use disposables when we go to the grandparents' house or out of town, but I just think it would be a great money saver (plus the little environmentalist inside me thinks it would be good for the environment too!) A young woman came up to me and said, "I heard you talking about cloth diapers." I figured she would call me crazy or criticize, but she said she just put her third child in cloth diapers after using disposable diapers and loved it!

I'm liking the baby advice now and am open to it. (I guess I need all the reassurance I can get after my fears of raising a psycho killer.) I bet later on down the road the "helpful" advice will get old.

5.

Ryan and I are on the fence on whether or not to find out the sex of the baby. I know lots of people want to find out to be prepared, to be able to better bond with the baby, etc. That's not the case at all with me. I know I can get the right clothes later and no matter what I'm going to bond with this baby. I'm just a nosy-noserson. I HAVE to know things! I'm way too impatient!

6.

This weekend is my hometown parish's 47th annual spring dinner that it holds for the whole town. It's so awesome to work with my old parish family plus see a lot of people I haven't seen for awhile! Plus the food is a.ma.zing!

7.

Happy Feast of St. Joseph! After our Blessed Mother, St. Joseph is my favorite saint. He's my homeboy!

Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 7: Will I Turn My Children Into Ax Murderers?

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about my hopes for my children. In that post I had mentioned that my worries of what kind of parent I will be hadn't crept up yet. Well that time has come and these worries have reared their ugly heads!!!

Last night while waiting to drift of to sleep I was day dreaming about my baby. Even before I got pregnant I've spent hours day dreaming about life with children and the joys of motherhood. Here's how my daydreams went pre-pregnancy:

As a baby I would cherish the moments of breastfeeding and noting every little milestone. (Did she just fart and smile?! I think that's the first time she's done that! Gotta mark that one down in the baby book!) I would dress her up everywhere we go!

Moving along a few months... I'd giggle at her attempts to walk, looking like a little drunk person. But my heart would swell with pride when she mastered that skill. I might just tell everyone I see that my precious baby can walk! I would cherish the Disney moments, the the Matchbox cars, the sippy cups.

Now to the pre-school and elementary years. I would be that loud mom in the stands at little league games and definitely help out with all the holiday parties at school. I would bring the video camera to every single event- spelling bees, ball games, recitals, church events, maybe even a doctor's appointment or two!

When my children entered high school I would prepare myself for all the milestones. Getting their license, proms, graduation, first dates. I would go to the sports events, music concerts, theatrical productions and honor society events.

Usually my day dreams would taper off at that point. I've thought about what our children would be like as adults a couple times, but I don't want to age my kids too fast- even in day dream land!

Now that I am pregnant, my daydreams from birth to junior-high-ish age are basically the same as they were pre-pregnancy. But last night... oh boy. I don't know if it's wacky pregnancy hormones that caused the freak out, or my own silly personality, but I was wide-eyed and clutching the sheets when I should have been fast asleep.

My husband was trying to drift to sleep. I tapped him on the shoulder. He grunted at me, meaning he was still awake, but barely.

"What if our child turns into an ax-murderer?"

"What?!" He asked as he turned towards me.

"What if I totally screw up these kids? What if I'm too overbearing and strict? What if I'm too laid-back? What if they end up on the Dr. Phil show because of me? I mean I know that our children have free-will and they are free to choose their own path as adults, but what if it's because of my parenting choices cause them to turn away from God, to have no compassion for human life, to become raging arsonists and are on the 10:00 news?!"

Ryan tried to comfort me, but I wasn't listening. I had turned my precious baby who is swimming peacefully and happy in my womb to some tattooed, purple-haired psycho killer.

How did I get to that point?

Like I said, my daydreams up until the jr. high years are the same as they were before pregnancy. But when I entered the high school years, I started thinking about what I was like as a teenager.

Now, for the most part I was a good kid. I was President of the student council, voted into National Honor Society, involved in sports, and was active in pretty much every extra-curricular activity I could be in. I never did drugs or drank alcohol. I never got into legal trouble, although that doesn't mean I didn't do illegal things (usually involving driving or trespassing old abandoned houses... ) I did some wild and crazy dare-devil things. My guardian angel was DEFINITELY looking out for me, because there are some times I wonder how I ever survived or didn't go to jail during my teenage years.

And boy was I a brat to my mother. I remember numerous times thinking, "Gosh, why can't my mom be like, cool? She never lets me do ANYTHING! She's like, totally lame! She's ruining my life!!!" I screamed at her a lot and slammed a lot of doors. I stomped my feet and swore that when I grew up I'd be a "cool" mom. What if my own daughter is like that? I can't handle it! If I know that she's out doing the things I was doing at age 16... no, no... I can't even think it!

And as much as I complained about my mom, I was actually very lucky. She had the perfect balance of being strict and letting me learn my own lessons. But what if I don't have that balance? What if I'm so strict they become rebels? What if I'm so laid back that they STILL become rebels? What if they leave the Church because I pushed them too hard to be holy kids? What if they turn away from God because I wasn't a good example of what a Christian person should be? What if they stop calling me "Mom" and start calling me "Parental Unit"? What if they get caught up in the Mexican drug cartel? What if they start worshipping trees, live in a dirt home with no electricity and change their name to Rainbow MeadowStarr?

No matter what my child becomes I will love them unconditionally. Their choices are theirs. They will make mistakes. I can't control everything. God lets us make mistakes and go our own ways and he loves us no matter what. Now that I think about it...humanity is just a bunch of bratty teenagers! As a parent I will mirror God's love for us.

But I'm still freaked out that I will screw up my kids and they'll hate me.

I talked to Ryan this morning about my freak out again. He jokingly said, "That's why we're having a bunch of kids! So if one hates us, we have a spare somewhere in there that is certain to like us!"

I almost called my mom at 1:00 a.m. to tell her my freak-out, but didn't. I talked to her today and she says I need to get a hobby.

I know y'all think this freak-out is silly. And the more I've thought about it, and read back this post, I know that it is silly! I know I will find a balance, Ryan will help and support me, God's Will will be done, I will have help with parenting from family and friends, and more than likely my children won't turn into ax murderers.

So this Wondering Wednesday I'm wondering how I can skip the ages of 13-22 of my children, or at least how to survive, and what hobby I should take up to keep all these worries and freak-outs away!

Happy Birthday to Our Angel Baby Gus

Warning: This post is kind of sad and depressing. That's how I'm feeling today, folks.



Today was supposed to be a very exciting day. Today was the due date for our precious baby Gus.

Today I was supposed to be waiting anxiously for my water to break (if it hadn't already) and to feel the nervousness of "How much does childbirth really hurt?" My hospital bag would have been all packed with my favorite pillow, probably sitting right next to the front door so we wouldn't forget it during a rush of activity. The excitement of finally meeting the little one who had been growing inside me for nine months would have been overwhelming!

I would have probably have "nested" to the extreme. I would have made sure our home was perfectly waiting for us to return as a family of three. My Type A personality would have come out full force. I would have produced organizational lists, checked and re-checked that everything was in place and possibly have created a phone tree for the family. I would have washed all the baby clothes, folded them neatly and put them away. I would have made absolutely sure the car seat was safe and secure in the vehicle.

While I sit here writing this, I rub my thirteen week preggo belly. I sit here in wonder and amazement at the miracle of life growing inside me and thank God for this blessing. I am over the moon happy that we are blessed with another child. I think, why should I be sad today when I am pregnant again? I shouldn't be so self-centered. There are women out there who can't get pregnant. But in the back of my mind I still wonder what it would be like to be rubbing a 9 month, ready-to-pop-any-day-now belly... to feel the baby's kicks and jabs into my ribs and belly. I should be reading up on what to expect during labor and delivery instead of what to expect during my second trimester (which I will be entering into this week!)

I know this all may sound sentimental, sappy, and depressing. This is how I am feeling today. I still am sad that we lost our first child. We didn't get pregnant to "replace" baby Gus. In fact the months following the miscarriage the thought of getting pregnant again terrified me. Finally after some time to heal I opened myself up to God's will and could Trust Him again. He had plans for us- big plans.

More often these days I feel at peace with Gus being born into heaven instead of into my arms. But, today, I am more sad than normal. Today the "why did this happen?" question will haunt me. The day that was supposed to be pure joy is now bittersweet. Ryan and I are planning on having a special day out of town together. On our way to the interstate we'll drive by the hospital and I will be thinking, "I should be there. We should be turning into the parking lot instead of passing by. I should be feeling excitement, fear, joy. Instead I feel like I am in mourning again."

I try not to get too down on myself. After all, my sweet angel is in heaven. He never had to experience sickness, heartache, disappointment, sorrow, guilt, anger or envy. All he felt in those short five weeks was love and comfort. He's up in heaven with all our loved ones that have passed before us. He gets to laugh with my goofy uncles, play with his great-grandparents, sing with the angels and be in the arms of Christ Himself. There are many reasons I want to get to heaven. Gus is one of those reasons. I have a feeling, however, that if I do get to heaven, my sweet angel baby will run up to me, giggle a giggle that sounds like millions of chiming bells and say, "Mommy... I'm a girl!" She'll say this running up to me with a huge smile like her Daddy's, hugging me... and I will finally touch my beautiful child I never got to hold.

Girl or boy, I love my little angel baby. As hard as this experience was, I know that it has made me stronger. It made me embrace my Lord and Savior. It strengthened my marriage and the friendships around me. My miscarriage has made me even more pro-life and to realize even more so that pregnancy and children are a blessing, not a right. I know that I have my own little saint in heaven praying for Mommy, Daddy and baby brother or sister.

So today, on the day my first child was to be born, I rub my belly knowing that this is in God's hands. I rub my belly with a smile and a tear. I rub my belling knowing that my womb has been a home to two babies. What a beautiful blessing.

St. Augustine Crawford... Our Angel Baby Gus...

Happy Birthday, sweetheart... and please, pray for us.

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol. 10

1.

I've had my first pregnancy craving! Last night around 9:30 I was hungry for something, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. I was hungry for meat, something sweet, and a little hint of salt. Corn dogs popped up in my head. Ryan got off work at 10:00 and he called me on his way home asking if there was anything I wanted at the local convenience store.

"Well..... check if they have corn dogs."

"Maggie, I don't think they have those there. I'll just go to Wal-Mart."

"But that's 20 miles away! I don't want you to drive all that way out there for silly corn dogs!"

"I'll go. Tater Tot wants corn dogs, and so I'll get them. I love you guys." (My heart gushes...)

"Thank you. I love you too. Maybe you could pick up some pepperoni and pickles too? Please?" (I'm saying this while I wipe tears away.")

He goes off into the night to get my craving foods. I see a commercial for Pizza Rolls and think... wow.. those look good too! But I didn't call Ryan because I didn't want to look like a glutton! About 25 minutes later he calls:

"Pizza rolls are on sale. You want some?"

I knew he was my soul mate!

2.

I think I spoke a little too soon in regards to the warm, beautiful spring weather. It's cloudy and in the 40's. It hasn't been too bad, but I'd rather have the sun and 60's!

3.

My family reunion this summer has a Halloween theme. Yes, that means dressing up in costume. I will be 7 months pregnant. I think I'll wear a sundress and go as "barefoot and pregnant." What do you all think?

4.

We haven't heard back from the job that Ryan applied for. Please keep those prayers a'coming!

5.

This would have been Baby Gus' birth month. His due date would have been on Monday. This all has been bittersweet. I'll be writing a post about that later.

6.

Gosh... I'm running out of things to write. I'll leave you with some funny maternity shirts I found on Cafe Press. I would post the picture of the shirts, but when I do that they go straight to the top of the post and I haven't figured out how to bring them down to the section I am writing! Links will have to do for now!

I thought this one was cute.

I also like this one!

Maybe I should change the word to "corn dogs."

My Mom suggested this one for Ryan. I have no idea what she means!

Yes, I'm a Star Wars nerd.

Have a great weekend everybody!

A Happy Heart

Today I was wanting to write a post about "Why does God let bad things happen?"

But when I would open my laptop, I felt no motivation to write. Is it because I'm too tired? No.. I am finally regaining some energy after weeks of fatigue and exhaustion. Is it because I'm lazy? Hmmm... I don't think so. I want to write.

I finally realized why I don't want to write about such a heavy topic.

I am in a fantastic mood!

Why? Because SPRING IS HERE!

On Monday the weather was so nice we were able to open our windows. The fresh air and cool breeze felt amazing. Monday was also the day the one restaurant where we live re-opens for the spring/summer season. (It's closed during the winter... much to my dismay!) Of course Ryan and I ordered our supper from there. I got a nice juicy hamburger.. a food item that always reminds me of summertime!

Yesterday it rained. Glorious puddles were formed. The last form of precipitation we've had for months is snow, ice, sleet, freezing rain... all that yucky stuff. After the rain passed, we took a walk. I love that rainy, springy, new-life a'growin' smell!

Today I took another walk. I was able to walk in jeans and a t-shirt and I got a little too warm! And there are thunderstorms predicted tonight. I LOVE thunderstorms!

This winter has been rough. I don't think I've ever experienced such a long and depressing winter season. I remember last year wanting winter to be over badly because spring meant two wonderful things: our wedding (in April) and my graduation from college (in May.) Maybe since I've unemployed this winter has seemed to draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag on.

I'm sitting here writing while our patio doors are open, birds chirping joyfully out in the timber behind our apartment and Chandler snoozing away on the couch. I know that we will probably have another week of freezing temperatures, maybe some more snow (oh please Lord... NO!) But I will take these warm, glorious spring days as a blessing.

My heart is too happy to write about why God allows bad things to happen. I'm focusing on the good he is giving us.

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol. 9

I've been slacking on my 7 Quick Takes lately. There has always been something going on!

1.

According to my thermometer, it is 56 degrees outside! I can go out without a winter coat! I am seeing more and more birds hopping around looking for worms! The snow is nearly all gone! I drove to the grocery store with my windows down! PRAISE BE TO GOD!

2.

On a downer note- I'm sick. My husband has been sick this past week with a horrible cold, and today I woke up with a cough, scratchy throat and a snot ball that feels like a golf ball in the back of my throat. I think today will be a good day to snuggle up in bed with my doggie and read Harry Potter.

3.

Ryan applied for another job. The location would give us numerous options of where to live, including Atchison, where we first met. We are praying this job works out. It is time to move, and practically HAVE to move before the baby is born. Every single person smokes in every apartment around us and and second hand smoke is HORRIBLE. I can't bring myself to place my newborn baby on sheets that reek of smoke. Plus one of the ladies who lives in a neighboring apartment has gotten in trouble for drugs, and I don't want to be anywhere near that. Please pray that Ryan and I accept God's will regarding this job!

4.

I have ruined two meals this week. I'm trying to save money by planning out meals for a whole week. I tried marinating chicken... but it was still a little frozen so when we grilled them, they were burned on the outside, frozen on the inside. Yesterday I tried making home-made noodles. They are really fun to make, but I made them a little too thick and they never dried. Both of these times had us ordering pizza (which is yummy and helped my bruised ego a little bit!)

5.

The Oscars are this Sunday. I have loved watching the Oscars since I was a little kid, since it was my dream to become an actress. And yes, I have "practiced" my acceptance speech for best actress in a leading role... in the shower... and the shampoo bottle was the Oscar...

6.

This Lent seems to be going by fast for some reason. Easter is about a month away!

7.

Baby C is the size a lime this week! I'm feeling a bit poofier! I already had a poochie tummy before I was pregnant, but I can tell the little one is growing in there! I've also read that the baby is moving around a ton, but of course I can't feel it... I can't wait for that day!


Have a good weekend y'all!

My Hopes for My Children

This weekend I went to a fabulous Lenten retreat with my mother, uncle and aunt. Tim Staples, Dr. Ray Guarendi and Johnette Benkovic were the main speakers.

Each speaker was phenomenal. Tim Staples talked about defending the Catholic Church (coming from a former anti-Catholic, Bible-college graduate made his talk very cool!) Johnette talked about the deep spiritual power of suffering. Dr. Ray talked about raising good kids and having a well-rounded family. I enjoyed each talk, but it was Dr. Ray's that really stuck with me.

In a few days I will be 12 weeks pregnant. I'm still a little worried about having another miscarriage, but since I'm still having nausea and knelt down and had a one-on-one with my toilet yesterday, I'm feeling a little more confident that things are going well.

With my first trimester coming to a close, the worries and anxieties of what kind of parent I will be haven't crept up yet. I haven't freaked out about the whole "I'm going to be a mother, responsible for a little human being who I helped create and will depend on me and her dad to meet every single need and want she has. Responsible for a little soul that God has blessed us with." I'm sure those worries will come full-force in a couple of weeks. (Or maybe a little so now, since I've had time to reflect on it while typing these words.)

I know I will be a nervous wreck making sure I'm meeting all our children's physical, emotional, psychological and educational means. But one thing I'm particularly nervous about is feeding my child spiritually.

One of the most important duties a parent has is to get their children to heaven. One way of comforting myself when we lost Gus was knowing that he was probably the easiest child we'll ever get to heaven. His precious, pure soul was whisked away to heaven before he could ever even remotely think about sinning.

I take the duty of getting my future children to heaven very seriously. I'm not going to drop them off at CCD or Catholic school and expect other people to teach my child about Christ. Sure, they'll supplement, but the love of the Lord will come primarily from my husband and I. I'm not going to make going to Mass sound like some boring obligation. In fact I won't make anything related to religion boring- I will approach it with a sense of joy and excitement.

I have these goals, but have a fear I will fail at implementing them. Thanks to our digital age I have stumbled upon dozens of bloggers, web pages and links on how to make religion understandable and fun for children. (For all you Catholic mommies and future mommies who read my blog, you should check out Kate Wicker's post on Lent for Little Ones. I can't wait to do this stuff with my own children!) I'll read my children Bible stories, take them to daily Mass on occasion, show them the sign of the cross and how to pray, teach them about Jesus, Mary and the saints, do the crafts, pray the rosary, etc.

I can do all these actions, but how will I reflect on them as a Catholic woman? How can I do all these child-friendly religious practices when I barely do the minimum of the adult practices? I try and read Scripture, but could do a lot more spiritual reading (instead of Harry Potter like I am currently reading.) I've barely picked up a rosary since my 54 day novena... I am chicken when it comes to defending the faith. I want my children to be God fearing, God loving, well-rounded Catholic Christians. How can I expect that if I don't even feel like all those things? I won't let my own doubts about myself interfere with my plans of raising my kids right and having a close-knit family. Hopefully the grace of motherhood will shine through the day our child is born!