Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 7: Will I Turn My Children Into Ax Murderers?

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about my hopes for my children. In that post I had mentioned that my worries of what kind of parent I will be hadn't crept up yet. Well that time has come and these worries have reared their ugly heads!!!

Last night while waiting to drift of to sleep I was day dreaming about my baby. Even before I got pregnant I've spent hours day dreaming about life with children and the joys of motherhood. Here's how my daydreams went pre-pregnancy:

As a baby I would cherish the moments of breastfeeding and noting every little milestone. (Did she just fart and smile?! I think that's the first time she's done that! Gotta mark that one down in the baby book!) I would dress her up everywhere we go!

Moving along a few months... I'd giggle at her attempts to walk, looking like a little drunk person. But my heart would swell with pride when she mastered that skill. I might just tell everyone I see that my precious baby can walk! I would cherish the Disney moments, the the Matchbox cars, the sippy cups.

Now to the pre-school and elementary years. I would be that loud mom in the stands at little league games and definitely help out with all the holiday parties at school. I would bring the video camera to every single event- spelling bees, ball games, recitals, church events, maybe even a doctor's appointment or two!

When my children entered high school I would prepare myself for all the milestones. Getting their license, proms, graduation, first dates. I would go to the sports events, music concerts, theatrical productions and honor society events.

Usually my day dreams would taper off at that point. I've thought about what our children would be like as adults a couple times, but I don't want to age my kids too fast- even in day dream land!

Now that I am pregnant, my daydreams from birth to junior-high-ish age are basically the same as they were pre-pregnancy. But last night... oh boy. I don't know if it's wacky pregnancy hormones that caused the freak out, or my own silly personality, but I was wide-eyed and clutching the sheets when I should have been fast asleep.

My husband was trying to drift to sleep. I tapped him on the shoulder. He grunted at me, meaning he was still awake, but barely.

"What if our child turns into an ax-murderer?"

"What?!" He asked as he turned towards me.

"What if I totally screw up these kids? What if I'm too overbearing and strict? What if I'm too laid-back? What if they end up on the Dr. Phil show because of me? I mean I know that our children have free-will and they are free to choose their own path as adults, but what if it's because of my parenting choices cause them to turn away from God, to have no compassion for human life, to become raging arsonists and are on the 10:00 news?!"

Ryan tried to comfort me, but I wasn't listening. I had turned my precious baby who is swimming peacefully and happy in my womb to some tattooed, purple-haired psycho killer.

How did I get to that point?

Like I said, my daydreams up until the jr. high years are the same as they were before pregnancy. But when I entered the high school years, I started thinking about what I was like as a teenager.

Now, for the most part I was a good kid. I was President of the student council, voted into National Honor Society, involved in sports, and was active in pretty much every extra-curricular activity I could be in. I never did drugs or drank alcohol. I never got into legal trouble, although that doesn't mean I didn't do illegal things (usually involving driving or trespassing old abandoned houses... ) I did some wild and crazy dare-devil things. My guardian angel was DEFINITELY looking out for me, because there are some times I wonder how I ever survived or didn't go to jail during my teenage years.

And boy was I a brat to my mother. I remember numerous times thinking, "Gosh, why can't my mom be like, cool? She never lets me do ANYTHING! She's like, totally lame! She's ruining my life!!!" I screamed at her a lot and slammed a lot of doors. I stomped my feet and swore that when I grew up I'd be a "cool" mom. What if my own daughter is like that? I can't handle it! If I know that she's out doing the things I was doing at age 16... no, no... I can't even think it!

And as much as I complained about my mom, I was actually very lucky. She had the perfect balance of being strict and letting me learn my own lessons. But what if I don't have that balance? What if I'm so strict they become rebels? What if I'm so laid back that they STILL become rebels? What if they leave the Church because I pushed them too hard to be holy kids? What if they turn away from God because I wasn't a good example of what a Christian person should be? What if they stop calling me "Mom" and start calling me "Parental Unit"? What if they get caught up in the Mexican drug cartel? What if they start worshipping trees, live in a dirt home with no electricity and change their name to Rainbow MeadowStarr?

No matter what my child becomes I will love them unconditionally. Their choices are theirs. They will make mistakes. I can't control everything. God lets us make mistakes and go our own ways and he loves us no matter what. Now that I think about it...humanity is just a bunch of bratty teenagers! As a parent I will mirror God's love for us.

But I'm still freaked out that I will screw up my kids and they'll hate me.

I talked to Ryan this morning about my freak out again. He jokingly said, "That's why we're having a bunch of kids! So if one hates us, we have a spare somewhere in there that is certain to like us!"

I almost called my mom at 1:00 a.m. to tell her my freak-out, but didn't. I talked to her today and she says I need to get a hobby.

I know y'all think this freak-out is silly. And the more I've thought about it, and read back this post, I know that it is silly! I know I will find a balance, Ryan will help and support me, God's Will will be done, I will have help with parenting from family and friends, and more than likely my children won't turn into ax murderers.

So this Wondering Wednesday I'm wondering how I can skip the ages of 13-22 of my children, or at least how to survive, and what hobby I should take up to keep all these worries and freak-outs away!