Happy Birthday to Our Angel Baby Gus

Warning: This post is kind of sad and depressing. That's how I'm feeling today, folks.



Today was supposed to be a very exciting day. Today was the due date for our precious baby Gus.

Today I was supposed to be waiting anxiously for my water to break (if it hadn't already) and to feel the nervousness of "How much does childbirth really hurt?" My hospital bag would have been all packed with my favorite pillow, probably sitting right next to the front door so we wouldn't forget it during a rush of activity. The excitement of finally meeting the little one who had been growing inside me for nine months would have been overwhelming!

I would have probably have "nested" to the extreme. I would have made sure our home was perfectly waiting for us to return as a family of three. My Type A personality would have come out full force. I would have produced organizational lists, checked and re-checked that everything was in place and possibly have created a phone tree for the family. I would have washed all the baby clothes, folded them neatly and put them away. I would have made absolutely sure the car seat was safe and secure in the vehicle.

While I sit here writing this, I rub my thirteen week preggo belly. I sit here in wonder and amazement at the miracle of life growing inside me and thank God for this blessing. I am over the moon happy that we are blessed with another child. I think, why should I be sad today when I am pregnant again? I shouldn't be so self-centered. There are women out there who can't get pregnant. But in the back of my mind I still wonder what it would be like to be rubbing a 9 month, ready-to-pop-any-day-now belly... to feel the baby's kicks and jabs into my ribs and belly. I should be reading up on what to expect during labor and delivery instead of what to expect during my second trimester (which I will be entering into this week!)

I know this all may sound sentimental, sappy, and depressing. This is how I am feeling today. I still am sad that we lost our first child. We didn't get pregnant to "replace" baby Gus. In fact the months following the miscarriage the thought of getting pregnant again terrified me. Finally after some time to heal I opened myself up to God's will and could Trust Him again. He had plans for us- big plans.

More often these days I feel at peace with Gus being born into heaven instead of into my arms. But, today, I am more sad than normal. Today the "why did this happen?" question will haunt me. The day that was supposed to be pure joy is now bittersweet. Ryan and I are planning on having a special day out of town together. On our way to the interstate we'll drive by the hospital and I will be thinking, "I should be there. We should be turning into the parking lot instead of passing by. I should be feeling excitement, fear, joy. Instead I feel like I am in mourning again."

I try not to get too down on myself. After all, my sweet angel is in heaven. He never had to experience sickness, heartache, disappointment, sorrow, guilt, anger or envy. All he felt in those short five weeks was love and comfort. He's up in heaven with all our loved ones that have passed before us. He gets to laugh with my goofy uncles, play with his great-grandparents, sing with the angels and be in the arms of Christ Himself. There are many reasons I want to get to heaven. Gus is one of those reasons. I have a feeling, however, that if I do get to heaven, my sweet angel baby will run up to me, giggle a giggle that sounds like millions of chiming bells and say, "Mommy... I'm a girl!" She'll say this running up to me with a huge smile like her Daddy's, hugging me... and I will finally touch my beautiful child I never got to hold.

Girl or boy, I love my little angel baby. As hard as this experience was, I know that it has made me stronger. It made me embrace my Lord and Savior. It strengthened my marriage and the friendships around me. My miscarriage has made me even more pro-life and to realize even more so that pregnancy and children are a blessing, not a right. I know that I have my own little saint in heaven praying for Mommy, Daddy and baby brother or sister.

So today, on the day my first child was to be born, I rub my belly knowing that this is in God's hands. I rub my belly with a smile and a tear. I rub my belling knowing that my womb has been a home to two babies. What a beautiful blessing.

St. Augustine Crawford... Our Angel Baby Gus...

Happy Birthday, sweetheart... and please, pray for us.