My Bucket List

I've never seen the movie The Bucket List. It stars Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, portraying two terminally-ill men who have a list of things they want to do before they "kick the bucket." Since I've been so busy these past few days to really organize my thoughts into a really good post, I'd thought I'd just make a Bucket List of my own!

• The obvious- get to heaven!
• See the ocean. I've never been there before!
• Travel to Rome... and hopefully see the pope.
• Learn to play the accordion. How many kids can say "My mom can play a mean tune on the accordion!" OK, so maybe kids won't WANT to lay claim to that, but I think it would be neat!
• Try out for American Idol just for fun. I almost had the opportunity to when the try outs came to Kansas City, but I didn't get around to it!
• See a tornado... from a safe distance of course.
• Have a book or even an article published in Catholic media. I'm working on it.
• Drive a Volkswagon Beetle
• Skydive. Once again I had the opportunity to a couple years ago, and I did NOT chicken out- the weather turned bad and the plans with my friend fell apart! But now that I am about to become a mommy I might have to re-think this one!
• Act in a movie and win an Academy Award. I have the speech all prepared. I practice in the shower and my bottle of conditioner is the golden statuette.
• Run around on the field at Arrowhead. (KC Chiefs stadium.)
• Visit ALL the places where Laura Ingalls Wilder lived. I've already visited her last home in Mansfield, MO.
• Ice skate.
• Go to Disney World. I know this sounds kind of boring or everyone has it on their list, but I have ALWAYS wanted to go. I am such a kid at heart that I would probably burst with happiness!
• Go to a U2 concert.
• Live on a farm with a pond, stream, windmill and timber.
• Re-learn how to play the piano.
• See Niagara Falls.
• Go to New York City during Christmas.
• Surf
• Get another tattoo.
• Help at a mission in El Salvador or other foreign country. When I was a student at Benedictine I had the opportunity to go, but it always scared me a little. I'm ready to make a huge impact now.
• Fly in an airplane. I've never flown anywhere. In fact, my first time in an airplane would have been when I was supposed to go skydiving. Imagine- the first time in a plane would involve jumping out of it!
• Open up my own greenhouse or apple orchard/pumpkin patch. I'm not sure which one, yet.

I have so many more, but I don't want to bore y'all!

What would be on your bucket list?

Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 10: How Can We Afford It?

Today I am wondering- can we afford for me to be a stay at home mom?

I want to be a stay a home mommy to as many kids as God wants to give us. I want this with every fiber of my being. While growing up I had many career dreams- teacher, actress, and Olympic swimmer. When I got out of high school my career dreams were half-hearted. As I got older and my heart longed to be a part of a good marriage and to have children of my own, my dreams turned from career to devoting my life to my husband and growing family.

***And as a side note, I'm not saying that being a working mom is a bad thing. I think it is important to have mothers present in the workforce. So please don't comment, "You know if you have to work, it wouldn't be a bad thing." I know it wouldn't... but I feel in my heart that I belong at home. This isn't a post about stay at home vs. working moms.***

***Another side note- I do hope to supplement my husband's income somehow. I would love to be a free-lance writer, but lack the confidence at the present time.***

I look at other stay at home moms (SAHM) and my heart swells with admiration. I know being a SAHM isn't easy- you are by yourself taking care of the children and household. You have very little contact with grown ups. You are under appreciated. But I'm willing to take on those challenges. I know the rewards will be worth it.

But then... what really gets me down... is finances. I look at other SAHM's and see that their husbands have fairly good jobs. Farmers, lawyers, doctors, college professors... I know that no matter what job one has, if a couple cuts down to one income there will be financial strain. There will be budgeting. But a SAHM with a doctor as a husband might have an easier time with finances than a SAHM with a janitor as a husband. Perhaps I am wrong.

I am so proud of what my husband does. He loves his job. He works with troubled youth. He helps them to help themselves to rebuild their lives in a positive way. He works long, odd hours and has to deal with the frustrations of working with boys that don't want to change, or who do change for the better only to fall back into their old habits and come back to the facility. But he and everyone else says that the youth counselors are extremely underpaid. It makes me wonder if we will be able to afford for me to stay at home if he stays at this job. I have always believed that it is more important to be at a job you love rather than a job you hate, but make more money. I stand by that belief.

Then I feel an overwhelming sense pressure from family, friends and society about finances and having a big family. I feel like people look at my dreams of being a SAHM and think, "Yeah right, like that will ever happen." I see them look at my husband and me and think, "But I want them to be financially stable." When I announced my first pregnancy, someone I love very much said immediately, "How can you afford a baby right now?" I was devastated. When I talk about having a bunch of kids I've had other people I love very much say, "But that just might not be realistic. I don't want you to worry about money."

I know these people think/say these things only because they love us. They want what is best for us, and for that I am deeply appreciative. But it has planted seeds of doubt. Maybe we won't be able to afford for me to stay at home. I know this sounds dramatic, but if I have to go to work and leave my children with a stranger I will be crushed. For those women who have to work when they want to stay at home with their kids... my goodness.. I have HUGE admiration for you.

I get a little jealous of those people who get to vacation all the time. Who get to experience the excitement of buying their very own home. To get brand new matching furniture. Who get to remodel or build a home. Who get to go out to eat and shop all the time. Who get to buy their kids cute clothes. Who can buy a new car whenever they want.

But I know, in the end, that sacrificing those things to have children and stay at home with them will be worth it. I grew up without those things and I had an awesome childhood. I had garage sale toys and hand me down clothes. We had mismatched furniture and a porch that was on the verge of falling apart. But I was happy, safe and loved.

My mom grew up in a family of seven kids and the stories of them all growing up together make my heart smile. My grandparents were poor; however, they still had a happy home. (When I look to them as an example, I know there are people saying, "But that was a different time." Blah...) A sibling is a gift. A vacation will last a couple days, but a sibling will last forever. When Ryan and I are long gone our children will have each other. That's why when I saw this snack commercial on Faith and Family Live I bawled my preggo eyes out:




Like I said, the sacrifices will be worth it. I know God is trying to ease my burden by sending me little signs that being a SAHM with a large family is possible. In the last week I've read two awesome articles on Faith and Family (I love that website!) One is about how large families are environmentally friendly, and the other is finding joy when you don't have a lot of fancy things. (I highly recommend reading them.) Reading these have brought me comfort and peace.

I know having a newborn isn't that expensive. They don't need a whole lot of stuff. But what happens when we have another baby, then another... then another? That's going to add up. Our insurance will go up, our food bills, etc. Ryan and I may be making a big life decision in the next few months to move, but it may be to a town where rent is much higher. Will we be able to handle it? What about Catholic education? To be honest, not sending our kids to Catholic schools has never been an issue with me, but I know it is important to Ryan.

I feel spiritually drained and I feel I'm not praying hard enough for God to send us guidance. I wish He'd FedEx me a manual of how to budget, where we need to move, what we need to invest in, etc.

But as much as I am worrying, I know everything will turn out fine. Maybe someday, when Ryan and I are 80 and we live in our own home in the country and all our grown up children and grandchildren are gathered around us, we can start off stories of how we first started out our marriage and parenting being "poor as church mice." God has taken care of us so far, and I know He won't stop, no matter how much it feels like He's ignoring us. Our family, friends and even strangers have helped us out in ways that we can never repay. I know we have family and friends and blogging buddies that pray for us as well.

I just wonder when the doubt will fizzle away and knowing what God wants of us will come SOON!

A Way to Open the Living Room Blinds.... Slowly

Maybe since I'm unemployed I should start on a contraption like this. I wonder if my future son will tinker around like these geeks!

Click here!

Kate Gosselin

Last Tuesday Kate Gosselin was voted off Dancing With the Stars. I'll have to admit I was very much relieved, because watching her dance the Paso Doble was like watching a drunk cat walking on stilts. Plus, I was tired of her weekly sob-fest and her dashing partner Tony Dovolani standing there looking all uncomfortable while she lamented over the latest drama in her life.

But through the cringing and rolling of my eyes, I still felt sorry for her.

I used to love watching the show where Kate made her debut, Jon & Kate Plus Eight. There were critics of her and her husband from the very beginning, accusing them of exploiting their kids for money. I understood their accusations, but my love for big families and my own dreams of being a stay at home mommy with my own brood of kids won out, so I watched the show.

I admired how they refused to abort any of their children even though there were serious medical risks to carrying and delivering six children, not to mention the financial strain. They weren't afraid to proclaim they were Christian, even though the channel that produced the show, TLC, didn't showcase that part of their life.

I cherished the episodes where Jon and Kate took their children to the pumpkin patch and to the zoo. When I saw the episodes of potty training adventures, Kate cooking soups and stews to freeze for the winter, their grocery shopping trips to Sam's Club and their cookie baking fiascoes during Christmas, my heart swelled, because I couldn't wait to do that with my own family someday. When Kate and Jon took their children to their hometown 4th of July parade and a family barbecue I was already picturing what cute little red, white and blue outfits I could dress my own kids in.

Sure, there were the not so glamorous parts of the show- Kate losing her temper with her kids and she and Jon bickering while being interviewed. I figured that's just how life goes when you have eight kids under the age of seven. All mom's lose their cool every once in awhile, right? Spouses get on each other's nerves sometimes, and I figured that was the case with Jon and Kate. (Although much later we learn that wasn't really the case with these two.)

I enjoyed the show because a majority of what I saw was the reality I dreamed for myself. Yes, the Gosselin family was unique because Kate had twin girls, then a set of sextuplets. But for the most part, the show seemed like the typical life of a family with lots of kids and a stay at home mom. Kate didn't always look so put-together, but her sweat pants with the disheveled-hair-look made me admire her. They lived in a modest-looking home, had a strict budget and faced the same challenges other parents do (the potty training, the chore charts, the sickness that hops from child to child.)

However, much to my dismay, I saw the show evolving to something not so pretty. Jon and Kate were getting their teeth whitened together. OK, maybe some married couples do that, but most people I know consider getting their pearly whites even whiter a very extravagant expense. Then they started getting free ski/spa trips to Utah. I thought, "OK, so that's a perk of the show" but it still didn't seem right.

Kate started to change as well. Soon the sweatpants were off, replaced with mini jean skirts, bikini's and chunky heels. She started to tan and soon was sporting some nice French manicured digits. There is nothing wrong with a woman embracing her feminine side and wanting to look nice, but she was starting to look like a 22 year old sorority girl instead of a down-to-earth stay at home mom.

Then they moved into their multi-million dollar home and things really began to change. Suddenly this "reality" show didn't seem like reality anymore. Do other regular families get Emeril Lagasse to come cook for them? Do other mom's have to worry about the paparazzi snapping pictures of her and her children as they go to the grocery store, therefore hires a bodyguard? I don't think so.

Then the dirty laundry started to be aired. Jon and Kate weren't being interviewed together anymore. Jon started sporting some rediculous diamond studs in his ears and had a custom-made motorcycle created for him. The tabloids started coming out all over the place and it was obvious their marriage was falling apart.

I started having issues with the show I once loved. I thought since they were going through a tumultuous time in their marriage it was time to shut off the cameras and work on their problems in private. Well that didn't happen. They got a separation, announced it on television and the media circus really began.

Jon became a person I lost all respect for. There are a bunch of names I could call him, but I want this blog to remain a Christian-type blog, so I will refrain for now.

Soon all the attention went to Kate. That's when I really, really felt sorry for her. Here she has lost the love of her life and the father of her children. Her own brother and sister in law, who had been featured on the show, suddenly came out and claimed Kate cheated on Jon and some other bogus claims. She had to face the cruel world essentially by herself.

This is when I was really hoping she would turn away from the spotlight completely and focus on regrouping herself and her kids. This was a crucial time to get her priorities straight and set goals for the future. Divorce isn't easy for anybody, but it has to be even harder when all those private details are suddenly made public.

But then came the People magazine cover stories. "It Feels Like I Failed" was one of the titles, I believe. It seemed like every other week she was on The Today Show, or Good Morning America, or *shudders/gags* Entertainment Tonight. Then came The Joy Behar Show and Larry King Live. And then another People magazine article shows up about her new hair extensions.

The crowning jewel of Kate Gosselin's latest schedule: Dancing with the Stars. I've already written about how I felt about that.

But here's where I get conflicted. Kate claims she does all this publicity to make money for her children. It kills her to be away from her children, but she has to pay the bills. It seems that Jon isn't doing much to help her out financially. Doing all this celebrity-type stuff seems like an easy way to make significant amounts of cash, but at what cost?

Leaving her children with nannies and babysitters can't be affecting her children in a positive way. Someday her children will be old enough to be able to see her interviews and read her articles. Hopefully they see her fierce love for them, instead of what looks like a woman possibly addicted to fame.

Does she really need all that money? Does she need those hair extensions, the tanning, the super nice clothes? Does she still need that multi-million dollar home, the bodyguard, the team of nannies? Yes, it does cost money to raise a big family, but I know of many large families that have gotten by happily, and they aren't guest co-hosting with Mary Hart.

I just pray she finds another way of supporting her children instead of jet-setting across America. I can't imagine the predicament she is in, but surely there is a reasonable solution out there. When I say "pray", I mean it. I do pray for Kate Gosselin and other celebrities. Lord knows they all need it BIG TIME!

Well, that's about all I have to say about that subject. Why did I contribute to the many other blog posts out there about Kate Gosselin? Because my preggo hormones are making it hard for me to sleep, then all these strange thoughts pop into my head (like Kate Gosselin's predicament) and I have an itch to write them down!

Drumroll Please.....

Our little BOY Crawford is measuring 19 weeks, 5 days and weighs 12 oz. He was not shy at all and showed his little boy parts right away! He is looking very healthy! Ryan and I are beyond thrilled!

Thus ends the streak for my big brother... he has 4 nieces and 0 nephews, until now of course!

I'm going to have a son... oh BOY!

St. Gianna and St. Gerard... please continue to pray for us!

Wondering Wednesdays Vol. 9: Boy or Girl?

Tomorrow I have my 2nd trimester ultrasound. We have decided to find out the sex of the baby. So of course I am wondering- boy or girl?

I keep thinking it is a boy, but I keep having dreams that Baby C is a girl. Ryan keeps saying he thinks it is a girl, but I think he's doing it just to ruffle my feathers.

I wonder if this child will have inherited both his mommy and daddy's stubbornness and have his or her legs crossed to where we can't see the little private parts on the ultrasound. Thankfully my next doctor's appointment is next Tuesday, and doc said if we can't tell the sex tomorrow, then we can check at his office.

If Baby C is a girl.... will she be a girlie girl? I never really was. I liked dressing up for special occasions (sometimes) but am much more of a jeans and t-shirt gal. I did admire Disney Princesses, but also loved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers.

Will she be the kind of teenager like I was? If karma is real...... I am in deep, deep, deeeeeeep trouble! I am not ready for that!

Will she and I be super close? Or will she be a Daddy's girl? Will she be funny? Will she be serious?

If Baby C is a boy, will be be a rambunctious little fellow? (Like his Daddy...) Will he follow his dad around and watch ESPN with him, watch geeky movies and go to Toys R Us to look for action figures?

Will he be an athletic super star? Or will he want to be on the chess team? Either way, him getting involved in something would thrill us to death!

Will he want to tinker with stuff? Build things?

Will he be super protective of his mommy and other siblings? Will he have a deep respect and honor for women? My husband does toward his mom and sister, so I'm sure he will instill that in his son.

Regardless of if this child is a girl or a boy... what will he or she be like as the oldest child? (if God does let us have more than one child.) Will they be spoiled? A leader?

I'm wondering so many things today. We are beyond excited to learn more about this little one growing inside me! I think I'll go clean the entire apartment... that should make today go by faster, right?

Our appointment is at 4:00 in the afternoon, and thankfully my mom will be coming to distract me during the day. Look for a post later tomorrow night!

Lessons I've Learned in Our First Year of Marriage

The wedding is just a day... a marriage is a lifetime

The leaders at the Engagement Encounter Ryan and I went to drilled this saying into our heads. When I heard this I was annoyed because we were a month away from our wedding and still had tons of planning to do.

I had always envisioned a nice church wedding, but as the planning progressed I was having some major freak-outs. I refused to become a bride-zilla so I wasn't taking control in areas where I should have been. I was thinking that my grandparents had the right idea when they got married- elope and get married in the priest's living room! I knew that there was no Church canon law that required the white dress, the flowers, the musicians or the caterer.

Then a friend gave me the best advice. She said that no matter how carefully you plan your wedding, something will go wrong. But your wedding day isn't about the details- it is about you and your husband starting the rest of your lives together. After I heard that, the freak-outs subsided and I focused on the most important part of the wedding day- the sacrament.

Ryan and I went to confession a couple days before our wedding, and it was so freeing to know that we were free from major sin and could completely receive all the grace God had to offer. And when we were standing up at the altar administering the sacrament of marriage on each other, I could really feel God's grace flowing through us. Now, it wasn't like God's grace was magical pixie dust and I was getting Holy Ghost goose bumps, but I could feel something amazing as I was looking into Ryan's eyes. Peace, joy, happiness, an overwhelming sense of love. Confidence in knowing this man standing before me was more than a soul mate, "other half", or a best friend. I felt near ecstasy in knowing that we were now "one" forever and always. I felt pure joy in knowing that he was going to be the father of my children and we were going to grow old together.

The best part of focusing on the sacrament was that all the planning, the flowers, the guest list, the music- it just created an added beauty to the sacrament. Standing there surrounded by our family and friends, with all the hard work countless people had put into our wedding- it really was the perfect day.

I really do agree with the saying of "A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime" but I learned that by opening up to God's grace during our wedding day has been very beneficial to our marriage.

Pick your battles

I'm a bit of a clean-freak. So when I go to the bathroom and see my husband's facial hair sprinkled on the sink after he shaves, or his toothpaste flecks on the mirror I get a little irritated. OK, a lot irritated. But I learned quickly that this is not worth picking a fight over. It is not a crucial topic. It doesn't completely affect our lives. And guess what.... one time after brushing my teeth I realized (much to my chagrin) that I too leave toothpaste flecks on the mirror! (And I thought I was destined for sainthood every time I wiped off his toothpaste gunk without complaining!)

Another thing that I am currently working on is gloating after a disagreement that I was "right" about something. Most of the time we do this jokingly, but every once in a while it bruises both our egos. This makes me think of the following quote:

To keep your marriage brimming,

with love in the loving cup,

Whenever you are wrong admit it;

Whenever you are right shut up.

-Ogden Nash

But some disagreements are good!

Anytime I hear a couple say they never fight or disagree I want to gag a little. It is my opinion that due to our fallen human nature that no one can get along 100%. Of course it is ideal to be in harmony and peace with each other, but I think that the times of challenge and difficulty can be very beneficial. It helps us to grow closer to each other by learning more about each other, learning to compromise, and to keep our pride in check. Plus... making up after some disagreements can be FUN! :-)

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

I read about how important communication is in any relationship. It is especially stressed in marriage prep. Boy, oh boy... are they right! Sometimes after a disagreement, or even times where I feel stressed, or Ryan feels overwhelmed- it's easier to shut down. Sometimes it takes a lot to muster the strength to sit down and talk. It makes us vulnerable and uneasy.

Sometimes we do need a couple hours to regroup our thoughts and feelings before talking. But taking the step to actually talk and communicate has helped our marriage by leaps and bounds. Keeping certain things bottled up is like poison to a marriage. When I have felt depressed and not talked to my husband, it creates a tension and unease. As much as I hate talking about my feelings, when I do talk to my husband it has made me feel better and helped our marriage in the long-run- every single time.

Natural Family Planning

I'm used to being looked at like I have four mutant heads when I tell people that my husband and I don't use birth control. But what we choose in our marriage isn't about other people- it is about my husband, myself, and God. I won't go into much detail here... my big brother reads my blog and I don't want to scar him for life or anything. But I will say this- NFP hasn't been easy. It is a challenge to break the bond of having sex rule our relationship. But the good things in life aren't always easy. As much as it has been a challenge- it has been so amazingly worth it. When Ryan took the time to learn about how the female body works, he started looking at me in a whole new, lovely way. I am genuinely blown away by how amazing he treats me and respects me because of our use of NFP.

I am not alone

Living in a small town, away from all my friends and family has proven very difficult for me. I feel very lonely. I find comfort in knowing that I am really NOT alone- I have my husband. He is always there for me. There are other times that I fall into a pit of despair because I am Catholic. I feel even more alone because I feel I am a part of a huge minority because of my beliefs, especially because a large majority of my friends and family don't share my beliefs. I've opened up to my husband about this (there's that communication thing!) and he has reminded me that I am not alone. "You have me," he has told me. There are two or three things we don't agree on in regards to religion, but for the most part we are in the same boat. It is nice to know that I have a partner who shares the same faith, the same goals, the same beliefs.

Take advantage of the circumstances God gives you

Being unemployed this last year has been tough on both of us. It has taken a direct hit on our finances. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for not contributing financially. Finances can make or break a marriage, and thankfully we have not let finances rule our marriage. (Communication... could have something to do with that!) But this time of me being at home I believe has strengthened our marriage. Ryan's work schedule is all over the place, and if I had a job, it might have gotten in the way of spending quality time together. I'm not saying that is a good excuse to not get a job, but having this time together during our first year of marriage has strengthened our relationship.

When we lost our first baby to a miscarriage, we were both incredibly devastated. This is a circumstance that I did not want God to give us. But His will is the best, even if we don't understand it. This event strengthened our marriage in ways I can't even name.

These are just a few of the lessons I have learned in our first year of marriage. I know there will be hundreds more as the years go by! I thank God everyday for sending Ryan into my life, and for giving us the grace and help to have a happy and healthy marriage!