Lessons I've Learned in Our First Year of Marriage

The wedding is just a day... a marriage is a lifetime

The leaders at the Engagement Encounter Ryan and I went to drilled this saying into our heads. When I heard this I was annoyed because we were a month away from our wedding and still had tons of planning to do.

I had always envisioned a nice church wedding, but as the planning progressed I was having some major freak-outs. I refused to become a bride-zilla so I wasn't taking control in areas where I should have been. I was thinking that my grandparents had the right idea when they got married- elope and get married in the priest's living room! I knew that there was no Church canon law that required the white dress, the flowers, the musicians or the caterer.

Then a friend gave me the best advice. She said that no matter how carefully you plan your wedding, something will go wrong. But your wedding day isn't about the details- it is about you and your husband starting the rest of your lives together. After I heard that, the freak-outs subsided and I focused on the most important part of the wedding day- the sacrament.

Ryan and I went to confession a couple days before our wedding, and it was so freeing to know that we were free from major sin and could completely receive all the grace God had to offer. And when we were standing up at the altar administering the sacrament of marriage on each other, I could really feel God's grace flowing through us. Now, it wasn't like God's grace was magical pixie dust and I was getting Holy Ghost goose bumps, but I could feel something amazing as I was looking into Ryan's eyes. Peace, joy, happiness, an overwhelming sense of love. Confidence in knowing this man standing before me was more than a soul mate, "other half", or a best friend. I felt near ecstasy in knowing that we were now "one" forever and always. I felt pure joy in knowing that he was going to be the father of my children and we were going to grow old together.

The best part of focusing on the sacrament was that all the planning, the flowers, the guest list, the music- it just created an added beauty to the sacrament. Standing there surrounded by our family and friends, with all the hard work countless people had put into our wedding- it really was the perfect day.

I really do agree with the saying of "A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime" but I learned that by opening up to God's grace during our wedding day has been very beneficial to our marriage.

Pick your battles

I'm a bit of a clean-freak. So when I go to the bathroom and see my husband's facial hair sprinkled on the sink after he shaves, or his toothpaste flecks on the mirror I get a little irritated. OK, a lot irritated. But I learned quickly that this is not worth picking a fight over. It is not a crucial topic. It doesn't completely affect our lives. And guess what.... one time after brushing my teeth I realized (much to my chagrin) that I too leave toothpaste flecks on the mirror! (And I thought I was destined for sainthood every time I wiped off his toothpaste gunk without complaining!)

Another thing that I am currently working on is gloating after a disagreement that I was "right" about something. Most of the time we do this jokingly, but every once in a while it bruises both our egos. This makes me think of the following quote:

To keep your marriage brimming,

with love in the loving cup,

Whenever you are wrong admit it;

Whenever you are right shut up.

-Ogden Nash

But some disagreements are good!

Anytime I hear a couple say they never fight or disagree I want to gag a little. It is my opinion that due to our fallen human nature that no one can get along 100%. Of course it is ideal to be in harmony and peace with each other, but I think that the times of challenge and difficulty can be very beneficial. It helps us to grow closer to each other by learning more about each other, learning to compromise, and to keep our pride in check. Plus... making up after some disagreements can be FUN! :-)

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

I read about how important communication is in any relationship. It is especially stressed in marriage prep. Boy, oh boy... are they right! Sometimes after a disagreement, or even times where I feel stressed, or Ryan feels overwhelmed- it's easier to shut down. Sometimes it takes a lot to muster the strength to sit down and talk. It makes us vulnerable and uneasy.

Sometimes we do need a couple hours to regroup our thoughts and feelings before talking. But taking the step to actually talk and communicate has helped our marriage by leaps and bounds. Keeping certain things bottled up is like poison to a marriage. When I have felt depressed and not talked to my husband, it creates a tension and unease. As much as I hate talking about my feelings, when I do talk to my husband it has made me feel better and helped our marriage in the long-run- every single time.

Natural Family Planning

I'm used to being looked at like I have four mutant heads when I tell people that my husband and I don't use birth control. But what we choose in our marriage isn't about other people- it is about my husband, myself, and God. I won't go into much detail here... my big brother reads my blog and I don't want to scar him for life or anything. But I will say this- NFP hasn't been easy. It is a challenge to break the bond of having sex rule our relationship. But the good things in life aren't always easy. As much as it has been a challenge- it has been so amazingly worth it. When Ryan took the time to learn about how the female body works, he started looking at me in a whole new, lovely way. I am genuinely blown away by how amazing he treats me and respects me because of our use of NFP.

I am not alone

Living in a small town, away from all my friends and family has proven very difficult for me. I feel very lonely. I find comfort in knowing that I am really NOT alone- I have my husband. He is always there for me. There are other times that I fall into a pit of despair because I am Catholic. I feel even more alone because I feel I am a part of a huge minority because of my beliefs, especially because a large majority of my friends and family don't share my beliefs. I've opened up to my husband about this (there's that communication thing!) and he has reminded me that I am not alone. "You have me," he has told me. There are two or three things we don't agree on in regards to religion, but for the most part we are in the same boat. It is nice to know that I have a partner who shares the same faith, the same goals, the same beliefs.

Take advantage of the circumstances God gives you

Being unemployed this last year has been tough on both of us. It has taken a direct hit on our finances. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for not contributing financially. Finances can make or break a marriage, and thankfully we have not let finances rule our marriage. (Communication... could have something to do with that!) But this time of me being at home I believe has strengthened our marriage. Ryan's work schedule is all over the place, and if I had a job, it might have gotten in the way of spending quality time together. I'm not saying that is a good excuse to not get a job, but having this time together during our first year of marriage has strengthened our relationship.

When we lost our first baby to a miscarriage, we were both incredibly devastated. This is a circumstance that I did not want God to give us. But His will is the best, even if we don't understand it. This event strengthened our marriage in ways I can't even name.

These are just a few of the lessons I have learned in our first year of marriage. I know there will be hundreds more as the years go by! I thank God everyday for sending Ryan into my life, and for giving us the grace and help to have a happy and healthy marriage!