It is the first week of Advent. I'm preparing for blog posts and articles about "preparing the way" and having a spiritually fulfilling Advent. While all that joyful stuff is going on I'm going to write a post that has been on my mind for weeks now. I hate writing the "oh, poor me, I suck at being Christian and Jesus doesn't like me" posts, but I just feel the need to get these feelings out on
Mass is hard with a 2 year old who likes to scream and climb everywhere. I rarely ever hear the readings. They could be reading snippets from Harry Potter and I wouldn't even notice. ("A reading from the first book of Kingsley Shacklebolt.") I say the words to the prayers, but I mutter them somewhat mindlessly. However, a few weeks ago I actually paid attention to one little thing I prayed along with the other parishioners, and it I swear I could feel my heart stop.
There I was, saying the words to the Gloria. "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men of good will. We praise you. We bless you. We adore you. -" and that's where I stopped. The slow realization crept in.
I don't adore God.
I just... don't.
I started thinking of those that I do adore. My first thoughts went immediately to my husband and sons. My heart is filled with an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for them. They bring me such happiness. Words cannot express just how much I love them. Thinking about my husband and boys brings tears of happiness to my eyes sometimes. Then I started to think about how much I adore my mom. She has helped me in countless ways. Whenever someone hurts her or tries to bring her down I get furious and want to start cracking skulls. I think about how I adore my brother. My heart fills with pride knowing that he protects our city as a police officer and I admire how devoted he is to God and his wife and children.
My adoration extends to my uncles, aunts, cousins, Ryan's family, and my friends. It even goes as far as to some women who I've met over the blogosphere that I've never actually met in person. I love all these people with such a fierce love. When they hurt, I hurt. When they are full of joy, I am full of joy. I would do just about anything for them. I would do just about anything to protect them. I would die for them because I love them so much.
But God? Would I be as brave as those martyrs who chose to be burned alive, beheaded, or tossed into a pit of lions rather than deny their Lord? Of course most of us say that we would die for God, but I sometimes have serious doubts that I would. If I did, I wouldn't be one of those brave and happy saints who danced and sang hymns while being marched to their deaths. I'd be bawling, peeing myself and curled up in the fetal position. Heck, my heart would probably explode from fear before they even got me to the chopping block.
Something is wrong with this picture. My priorities are backwards. It seems I love my husband, my son, my family and friends moreso than God. Jesus says the FIRST and greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. (Matthew 22: 37) It is sometimes hard for us to put God first in our lives. I know a lot of people who disagree with that ideal. Even though I feel like I don't practice this commandment, I get it. We wouldn't have our loved ones if it weren't for God. God gave us every little thing in our lives... uh... even our life itself, so he should be #1. He became man and died a cruel and torturous death to save each and every one of us from Satan. It makes total sense to love him above all things.
There is no doubt in my mind about the existance of God. I've felt his grace and witnessed his blessings in my life and in others lives. I know he is real.
And there's no doubt that I love him. I really do love him... but not as strongly as I should. I love him in the way you love your 2nd cousin, twice removed. You love them simply because you do, because they are family. It's not a case of "well they are family so I HAVE to love them" because if you are forced to love someone, well, that's not real love. I know my love for God is real, but it's lackluster. I know this sounds so incredibly spoiled and rotten of me, but sometimes I feel God's love for me is lackluster as well.
I thought of all this pretty much the rest of Mass. It has stuck with me. I don't know what my deal is. I love Jesus and I'm thankful for what he has done, but I'm not on fire for him. I am so jealous of those people who have such a zeal and passion for Christ. It's like Jesus in their best friend, their father, their brother... But my Jesus is my 2nd cousin, twice removed that I see on occasion at the family reunion where the only conversation you have with him is the awkward "How are you? How about this weather?" It is hard to love someone you don't see. I know we interact with God in the sacraments, but I just don't feel it.
I feel so far away from God. I go to Mass because I know I need it the Eucharist. I hate that I have felt this dryness for years now. I know that some of the greatest saints have suffered through dark periods in their spiritual life. Mother Teresa was one who suffered years and years and years of spiritual darkness. However, she still seemed to love God fiercely and did all things to glorify him. Why can't I have that kind of strength? Why does God even let people go through feeling so far away from him? I have heard the "why does God let bad things happen to good people" question over and over again. The answers of free-will, strengthening us, and bringing us closer to him are somewhat satisfactory answers. But why does God abandon super holy people who actually try to cling to him? What kind of God does that? I am not trying to compare myself to these saints. I'm quite lazy on my end of my relationship with God. Still, I want to know why he flits in and out of our lives.
Now here is where some of you readers might think I'm a little cray cray. Just bear with me. Part of me wonders if this distance from God that I am feeling, this "eh" attitude that I have is from the devil. Ooooh great, y'all are probably thinking. Not only is she Catholic and proud of it (what a weirdo..), but she's one of those "LEAVE HER SATAN!" people.
Rest assured, I'm not going all Carrie's mom on you all.
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| They're all gonna laugh at you! |
I often wonder if Satan has planted a "ho hum" seed within me. It's not like I hate God or am questioning his existance. If I were, I'd be clinging to God because I am even more miserable than I am now when I have animosity toward God. And the devil is smart enough not to use all that scary ass demon trickery on me, because the second I start hearing voices or experience creepy shit like upside down crucifixes I'm hauling butt to the priest. I will run faster to God than Usain Bolt because that stuff freaks the eff out of me. Instead, I think the devil is using the subtle tool of not really caring. He's slowly putting out the fire of adoration I have for Jesus. Damn him.
I have experienced dark forces in my life before. I have physically felt spiritual battles going on around me, one of them being the night Joe was born. I know of other people who have also dealt with being sensitive to evil around them. I know Satan is real and he never stops getting us to turn away from God. Thankfully my guardian angel and St. Michael have protected me.
Only God knows who or what is behind the reason for my dull attitude towards him. Maybe it's the post partum hormones ligering around. Maybe it is Satan. Maybe it's just the season of life that I am currently experiencing. I just don't know...
I know what I need to do. I need to get my butt to confession. But here's the conundrum I am facing. I am sorry for my sins because I am utterly terrified of going to hell and want to go to heaven someday. But I cannot fit it into my little dumb brain about how my sins offend God, and therefore I feel like I don't feel truly sorry for my sins. So I feel like a fraud going into the confessional.
I know I should go more to confession more often and go to adoration and read more spiritual material instead of the Entertainment Weekly I have on my nightstand. I need to turn to the Blessed Mother. I need to unplug from the internet on occasion. I was doing all that regularly when I was a student at Benedictine and I felt so much closer to Jesus.
I think this Advent will be a good time for me to really step back and look at what I need to do to start adoring God again. I feel so blah in so many areas of my life. So lonely and melancholy. I need the joy of Advent. I need the joy of Christ. So if you kind folks could throw out any prayers, I'd greatly appreciate it.
13 comments:
I can't tell you how much I love this post, because I relate to it SO WELL. This especially:
"I am so jealous of those people who have such a zeal and passion for Christ. It's like Jesus in their best friend, their father, their brother... But my Jesus is my 2nd cousin, twice removed that I see on occasion at the family reunion where the only conversation you have with him is the awkward "How are you? How about this weather?""
Thank you for having the courage to write this post.
We all need wake up calls like this from time to time because if we are not constantly trying to move forward with our relationship with God then what are we doing? Would we ignore our spouse or kids for one whole day? But I know I totally have skipped days in prayer, which is conversation, with God.
My last pastor used to say if Bill Gates came to our church every weekend and handed out money, everyone would come to get it. So why don't we come get Jesus with the same gusto!
It's a good point, and one that helped me get to daily Mass as much as possible since I heard it :)
Good luck on your journey in faith. I once heard we are called "practicing Catholics" because we are always learning, growing, and striving for sainthood.
As much as I'm enjoying my time in RCIA and "discovering" my faith - I've never felt that Jesus was my home-boy and still don't. In fact that call to be BFF with God is something that I never liked from my Protestant background and I shudder when anyone suggests that I love my family too much. That's impossible in my mind because it can't be separated from God - my love for my family is my love of God even if I don't recognize it as such.
Sometimes - as much as we're called to love and adore God - I wonder if God isn't like a mother with an overly clinging child. Oh sure we love attention, but we wouldn't mind if went and played in the other room for awhile. I can almost hear Him saying "Oh that's nice sweetie, but go and enjoy the world and the people I made for you. I know you love me."
One little point to ponder is that (via the dictionary) to adore is defined as regarding with esteem, resepct, honor, worship, admiration and love. There are many ways to "adore" Jesus without writing "Jesus + Maggie 4eva" on everything you own and I think we do a lot of "honor" to God by loving those around us because he is love.
p.s. I would totally read the "1st book of Shacklebolt" and I think MadEye Moody would write a wicked Revelations and Sirius and Lupin would be Paul and Peter respectively ;)
Thank you for your honesty ~ I often too have the 'second cousin' feeling.
I would say go to Confession, God already sees us perfectly and so meets us where we are on the journey, plus sin was once explained to me as the debris that dams up the stream of our love for God, might help.
I am glad you wrote this post. I'm interested to learn more about these dry spells that people have. I often wonder if I am having one, but then I realize I'm too busy to even know one way or the other...that's sad.
As I read your post however, these thoughts struck me:
Love is a decision and not a feeling. I think you (understandably) could be getting confused by your feelings you have for your children and your spouse. You decide to love them every day, but you also have the "instant gratification" so to speak, of the affections you feel for them that makes you think you love them more than you love God. it may seem like a sort of "mind trick" or something.
I had always learned that if you love God, you love your spouse, your children, your family, your neighbor. So...you do love God. You have decided to love God. You're not going to have the same affections for God as you do for your family here on Earth because...well, that's a different realm of love.
See, I don't think all the martyrs out there got butterflies in their stomach and the warm and fuzzies at the thought of life with God. I think that surely they were peeing themselves as they went to their deaths. But the decision had been made. They weren't going to turn back on it. And being afraid as you go to your martyrdom does not mean you don't love God. Shoot, Jesus expressed fear of what he was about to undergo in Gethsemane the night before he died. Anyway, They loved God and they knew from their lives that eternal life in heaven with God is the goal and not warm and fuzzy feelings on earth.
Anyway...that may or may not help (and I'm not really sure I was trying to help necessarily) -- it's just what I thought about as I read your post.
Oh, come let us adore Him...what great timing.
Go to confession. You have contrition...I think it's called imperfect contrition if you're sorry because you don't want to go to Hell, but the priest can grant absolution for imperfect contrition. YEP! I'm well-versed in it...totally have been/am there myself.
I love your honesty. Love it. Because following God is not always rainbows and butterflies. Going to Mass with busy children is hard, and there really isn't any way that you could be paying attention to Mass more.
I agree with those that say to go to confession. It always helps to start clearing the way. My prayer with something like this, is to straight up ask God for it. If I want to learn to adore Him more, and I don't know at all where to start, I'll usually pray something like, "God, I want to adore You more and I got nothing. Show me the way." (You could be more polite than me, I suppose. I'm not saying I do things the right way!) Honestly, I don't usually see an answer to those types of prayers right away, but if I keep praying them over several months, I usually start to see an answer.
My other thought is, love Him through your husband and your boys. Jesus says that what we do for others, we do for Him. I don't know if that helps at all, and just feel free to ignore me if it doesn't.:) But I'll be praying for you!
I think that the busy-ness of motherhood, especially the toddler and new baby season, can be particularly trying on a soul. This season, I am struck with my connection to Mary. Have you tried to relate to Jesus through her? Love the song "Mary Did You Know"...all good things to ponder.
Praying for you!
Hi Maggie.
I blog very little lately and I haven't checked in here in a while but you have always landed in a soft spot on my heart so I wanted to comment.
I just wanted to say that first, you are truly strong to be able to post these thoughts and feelings openly. Second, I think that we all misunderstand "adoration".
To adore God is to love Him in his divinity. You do that just with your devotion to Mass and the Eucharist and even more with your devotion to your vocation as a wife and mother. You may adore your children and husband that you love them very much, but it is different from recognizing them as divine.
Also, our love for God need not always be full of emotion. I wish I could find the citation, but just last week I read something about how Satan feeds on our emotions and uses them to sow doubt. So faith and worship and adoration that is void of emotion need not be a tepid faith. It is a true faith that is based on just knowing Him in your heart and Knowing all the things that He has done for you and trusting in His will. So casual recitation of prayers and half-listening to readings is surely not ideal, but it doesn't mean that you are not adoring God. You are adoring him because you follow his will by bringing your family to Mass, setting a good example, raising up these blessed babes he entrusted to you and your husband's care.
Your faith is strong, Maggie. Maybe it doesn't have a fervor or a flame right now but that may be because you need that fire for your vocation right now. Your faith hasn't cooled.
Go do confession, meet with God, trust him with your heart and that flame of faith will be enkindles anew.
Peace and Blessings,
Jamie
LOVE this post. I can completely relate. My mind knows I'm supposed to put God first, but what does that really mean? I don't think I'm actually doing it.
I also feel Satan lately, too. Mainly while I'm walking up for communion. I hate that feeling. I almost don't want to go because of it, but then obviously evil has won.
I hope you have a fruitful Advent!
And thanks for your comment on my blog :)
I can relate also!! Often at the end of the day I will reflect with pride on the fact that I cleaned the house, played with my daughter, had supper ready for my hubby...and I will think, man, I rocked it today! Then I will realize that not once during the day did I pray. Not rocking it after all!!
I totally agree about needing a shift in priority, and about adoring God the same way we do those who are dear to us. But keep this in mind--by loving those around us, we reflect God's love to them--no small thing! By taking your child to mass, even though you're not able to soak in every word like before, you are helping to instill the faith in him. And THAT'S huge. I once heard a priest describe children in church a "holy distraction." :) Not that I'm trying to say that you DON'T need to make God your #1 priority...but just wanted to say that you can glorify God through some of these things that seem like obstacles.
Maggie, I just discovered you and your blogs today. I do not fit in the category of most of your followers, as I am 52, married when I was in my mid-forties and do not have children. But, what I do relate to is your honest seeking of God, the struggles of trusting in a God we cannot see, etc. Thank you for your honesty as reading your blogs this morning have helped lift my spirits. Like one of your followers said in response to this post, Satan likes to play on our emotions. I know that he is sowing doubt in me and that confession and prayers for deliverance will shoo him away. God bless you. P.S. My name is Margie and sometimes I am called Maggie. I saw that as a divine connection.
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