My Hopes for My Children

This weekend I went to a fabulous Lenten retreat with my mother, uncle and aunt. Tim Staples, Dr. Ray Guarendi and Johnette Benkovic were the main speakers.

Each speaker was phenomenal. Tim Staples talked about defending the Catholic Church (coming from a former anti-Catholic, Bible-college graduate made his talk very cool!) Johnette talked about the deep spiritual power of suffering. Dr. Ray talked about raising good kids and having a well-rounded family. I enjoyed each talk, but it was Dr. Ray's that really stuck with me.

In a few days I will be 12 weeks pregnant. I'm still a little worried about having another miscarriage, but since I'm still having nausea and knelt down and had a one-on-one with my toilet yesterday, I'm feeling a little more confident that things are going well.

With my first trimester coming to a close, the worries and anxieties of what kind of parent I will be haven't crept up yet. I haven't freaked out about the whole "I'm going to be a mother, responsible for a little human being who I helped create and will depend on me and her dad to meet every single need and want she has. Responsible for a little soul that God has blessed us with." I'm sure those worries will come full-force in a couple of weeks. (Or maybe a little so now, since I've had time to reflect on it while typing these words.)

I know I will be a nervous wreck making sure I'm meeting all our children's physical, emotional, psychological and educational means. But one thing I'm particularly nervous about is feeding my child spiritually.

One of the most important duties a parent has is to get their children to heaven. One way of comforting myself when we lost Gus was knowing that he was probably the easiest child we'll ever get to heaven. His precious, pure soul was whisked away to heaven before he could ever even remotely think about sinning.

I take the duty of getting my future children to heaven very seriously. I'm not going to drop them off at CCD or Catholic school and expect other people to teach my child about Christ. Sure, they'll supplement, but the love of the Lord will come primarily from my husband and I. I'm not going to make going to Mass sound like some boring obligation. In fact I won't make anything related to religion boring- I will approach it with a sense of joy and excitement.

I have these goals, but have a fear I will fail at implementing them. Thanks to our digital age I have stumbled upon dozens of bloggers, web pages and links on how to make religion understandable and fun for children. (For all you Catholic mommies and future mommies who read my blog, you should check out Kate Wicker's post on Lent for Little Ones. I can't wait to do this stuff with my own children!) I'll read my children Bible stories, take them to daily Mass on occasion, show them the sign of the cross and how to pray, teach them about Jesus, Mary and the saints, do the crafts, pray the rosary, etc.

I can do all these actions, but how will I reflect on them as a Catholic woman? How can I do all these child-friendly religious practices when I barely do the minimum of the adult practices? I try and read Scripture, but could do a lot more spiritual reading (instead of Harry Potter like I am currently reading.) I've barely picked up a rosary since my 54 day novena... I am chicken when it comes to defending the faith. I want my children to be God fearing, God loving, well-rounded Catholic Christians. How can I expect that if I don't even feel like all those things? I won't let my own doubts about myself interfere with my plans of raising my kids right and having a close-knit family. Hopefully the grace of motherhood will shine through the day our child is born!

Wondering Wednedays Vol. 6

Today I am wondering at what point do you stop "turning the other cheek" and take a stand for yourself?

I understand what Jesus meant by turning the other cheek. And I do understand that we should always forgive someone for doing us wrong, no matter what action, word, or deed they have done.

I know Jesus didn't mean to stand by and take abuse constantly. There are such things as just anger and just wars.

If a loved one says mean and hurtful things towards me, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I think, "They were just kidding around. I'm too sensitive and reading too much into their words. Maybe they are having a bad day."

I usually never say anything because I give them the benefit of the doubt, plus sometimes it's just better to leave it alone. I just ignore it because I don't want to cause any drama.

However, due to pesky Original Sin sometimes when someone says something mean to me (or toward someone I care about for that matter) I want to really tell them what I think. I want to insult, I want to make fun, I want to point out their faults, their hypocrisies and bad habits. I want to yell, curse and belittle.

But I don't. My mother always told me that if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Then I wonder, if those people keep saying/writing these hurtful comments and are constantly hurting my feelings, shouldn't I politely and in a mature-manner stand up for myself? "Maybe they don't know how much they hurt my feelings." I'll think, so I'll plan to tell them next time (I usually always chicken out or don't articulate myself well) or I'll email them letting them know how I feel.

But telling how I feel can backfire as well. It will start a conflict. I'll lose a friend or a close relationship with a relative. They will think I'm too sensitive. They will think they have a right to say whatever they want.

So this Wednesday I wonder where to draw the line between shutting up and standing up.

A Journey of Ups and Downs... So Far! Part II

So I forgot to mention that at the previous appointment I wrote about, I measured 6 weeks and 1 day. So everything was looking great!

I was still on cloud nine after seeing the heartbeat, but was still a little concerned because I didn't have any noticeable pregnancy symptoms. Those concerns quickly vanished in a haze of unbelievable nausea and fatigue. So all those times I mentioned in my blog that I wasn't feeling well, or that I couldn't concentrate to put thoughts together- well, Baby C was behind that!

Then more and more symptoms that I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms kept popping up. Nosebleeds, headaches, backaches, sneezing, pregnancy rhinitis, and some other things that I'm sure you all don't want to know about started happening.

As uncomfortable as I was (and still am) I was thankful. Every time my head rested on the toilet seat, waiting to throw up and I could smell the faint smell of Clorox Toilet Scrub I thanked God. Every time my husband hugged me a little too tight and caused me to yelp in pain due to my very sensitive chest area I thanked God. As many times as I had to muster every atom of energy to get out of bed I was thankful that things were going the way they were supposed to.

At my next appointment I would be 10 weeks. I was so excited and couldn't wait until the appointment! I wanted to see our little Tater Tot (our in-utero nickname for our baby) again on an ultrasound or at least hear the heartbeat. I had a little countdown in my head. I felt like a little kid right before Christmas- the time seemed to take forever!

I started getting on pregnancy websites and reading maternity message boards. My worries of miscarriage had gone down a bit since I felt the overwhelming blessing of pregnancy symptoms. But every once in awhile I'd come across a story of miscarriage or a still birth and I would start to freak out. My worry would come in "waves." Some days I'd feel on top of the world, then I'd feel a certain sense of doom that a miscarriage was coming. Then nausea would hit full-force and I would feel on top of the world again!

The weeks before my appointment we told our families the good news. I told some very close friends as well. I would have been happy to announce I was pregnant the day I got a positive pregnancy test. I believe every life should be celebrated- whether the baby is born on earth, or born in heaven. But of course fear got a hold of me and I kept thinking that once we get another good doctor's appointment we'd start spreading the news.

Finally, after what seemed like months of waiting the week of my doctor's appointment arrived. At Ash Wednesday Mass I prayed hard that our doctor's appointment that Friday would turn out well. After communion I prayed especially hard.

Later that night I started to really freak out. I had been waiting forever for this appointment and all of a sudden I did not want to go. My pregnancy symptoms had kind of simmered down a bit, so when I tried to Google the time frame for that happening of course I got all sorts of search results that had "miscarriage" attached. I never had any sort of bleeding or spotting or any kind funky discharge. I checked my underwear every time I went to the bathroom just to make myself feel better. But the way I found out about my last miscarriage was through an ultrasound, there was no bleeding or spotting or even cramping beforehand. I thought we'd be seeing my 8 week old baby and instead he had passed away at 5 weeks. I had read other stories and heard of other women who think everything is fine, but when they go in to their doctor they can't find a heartbeat.

What if I went in on Friday and the baby measured only 8 weeks? What if they couldn't find a heartbeat? Here I was again, in a situation that I couldn't control. Ignorance was bliss for me at that time. I felt content thinking my baby was still alive. I didn't want any bad news.

Scare #2

Thursday seemed to drag on forever. I tried keeping myself busy and positive. Everything was fine until I went to bed around midnight. I laid in bed and suddenly a sharp stabbing pain pierced the left side of my uterus. I had been having very slight, rare cramping that I knew was associated with a growing uterus, but this was a pain I had never felt. It would stab for a few seconds then go away. Sometimes five, ten or forty-five minutes would pass before it would happen again. I had heard of round ligament pain which has been described as a sharp pain, so I didn't think much of it and ended up drifting to sleep.

Around 7:00 a.m. I woke up to use the bathroom. I laid back down and the sharp pains came flaring up again. I couldn't sleep because of the pain and extreme worry, so I got out of bed. There was no bleeding or anything, but I was still freaked out. I cleaned a little, fixed some breakfast, and read some blog archives of my favorite bloggers. I went on the internet to research this pain. "Miscarriage" and "call your doctor" were all over the place. I slammed my laptop shut and started getting very angry. I went to lay in bed and prayed to God. Again I begged and pleaded that everything would be OK. Every scenario was running through my head- would I start bleeding soon? Could this bleeding be prevented? Will everything turn out perfectly and I was worrying for no reason?

I started bawling in bed and it woke up my husband. I told him I was terrified and he suggested we call Dr. M. It was 8:30 a.m. and our appointment was at 1:00 so I decided to wait it out. I went to take a shower to calm down and hope that the warm water would soothe the pain. I was wrong. The pain intensified in the shower and as I was getting dressed. I decided to call Dr. M. There was no way I could wait.

The receptionist told me to come in right away. We hopped in the truck and drove the 25 miles to the office. I was nervous, scared and still in pain. I didn't know what to expect.

The doctor came in right away, lifted my shirt a bit and squirted the ultrasound jelly on my stomach. I had a flashback back to the external ultrasound done like this that informed us of my miscarriage. I did not want to look at the screen. The last time with the external ultrasound they couldn't even find the gestational sac. What were we going to see this time?

What we saw was our baby, measuring perfectly and heart beating strong. What we saw was our baby moving and jumping around. What we saw was the very blurry and faint features of our Tater Tot's face.

Dr. M said our baby looked "gorgeous." He then explained that the pain I was feeling was indeed ligament pain and the only thing to make it feel better is rest. So all that moving around I was doing earlier that morning just aggravated the pain!

Again I thanked God for his blessings. He had once again taken care of me during my time of unbelievable fear. Dr. M printed off a couple pictures for us and answered all of my questions and calmed most of my fears.

When I came home I took a long nap and when I woke up the cramping had gone away. I had to kick myself for having such a dark and twisted attitude that I was sure I was going to lose my baby. I will be worried throughout this whole pregnancy until I hold my baby in my arms. Then a whole new plethora of worries will set in. But I've decided to cherish the life inside me and trust that God's will is what is best. I need to stop trying to force God's will to conform to mine. It should be the other way around. I need to be thankful instead of paranoid, happy instead of down in the dumps.

I felt so good about this latest appointment that I decided to announce it to the rest of the world via Facebook and my blog. Any extra prayers you can throw out there for Baby C would greatly be appreciated!

St. Gianna, pray for Baby C!

A Journey of Ups and Downs... So Far! Part I

December 31, 2009 was day 51 of my 54 day rosary novena. While praying the rosary I kind of like to "imagine" the mysteries. For example, for the mystery of the baptism of Jesus I imagine I am actually there, feeling the warm sun, seeing the sparkly water from the river Jordan, and seeing the clouds part and rays of Godly sunshine pouring down.

I was praying the decade of Mary being crowned Queen of Heaven and my mind started to wander. Ahead of me was Mary, kind of short and very young looking. She was holding a baby and had a huge smile on her face. I walked toward her and stood right next to her. I looked down at this gorgeous newborn baby and thought, "I am so humbled, I am looking at baby Jesus." Mary put her arm around me and handed me the baby and smiled at me. I looked down and knew in my heart that this baby was my baby.

Then I became a little confused. Perhaps I was looking into this "vision" all wrong. Maybe it was Jesus, and Mary letting me hold Him was symbolizing Jesus as a gift to the world. Perhaps it was symbolizing that Jesus and Mary loved me. Maybe Mary was giving me the blessing of holding my precious baby Gus, who died before we could hold him. But I still had that feeling of it being a whole new person that I had helped conceive.

This "vision" (I put this word in quotations, because it was more of a daydream, but I wasn't in control...) soon faded away and I was awestruck. I had an inkling I might be pregnant. I decided I would take a pregnancy test on January 1st. I thought that would be a fitting day to find out if I was going to be a mother- January 1st is the feast day of the motherhood of Mary.

The next morning I took the test. I was very nervous because I wanted more than anything in the world for it to be positive, but I thought that maybe my cycle was still a little out of whack since my miscarriage. I didn't want to be disappointed. The holiday season was very hard for me because for some reason that time of year makes me the most excited to start a family. I had been so close to starting a family, and having it taken away from me was devastating.

Mary must have been on to something the night before, because the test turned out positive! I was so incredibly happy! But then a whole new set of worries came in: the paranoia of miscarriage came stomping in. I called to make a doctor's appointment right away, but couldn't get in until January 19th. I wanted to call our parents so badly, but decided to wait just a little longer.

My dad's surgery occurred in the next few weeks, so that kept my mind on other things. However, the thought of something going wrong in my pregnancy was always in the back of my mind. It got so bad I would start bawling like I had already lost the baby. I was trying to hard to think positively but the sense of dread was great.

Scare #1

The day of my doctor's appointment finally arrived. The receptionists greeted me warmly and expressed their sorrow for my previous miscarriage. Then the wait began. It was a busy day there at Dr. M's office. My heart was pounding so fast and I felt so nervous that it seemed forever before he came in to do the exam. He did an internal ultrasound and I held my breath.

Based on my last period I should have been 8 weeks pregnant, but I knew I had ovulated later than normal (good ol' NFP!) So to be on the safe side I figured I was between 6-8 weeks pregnant. I waited for the images to pop up on the screen and there was that little gestational sac. It looked bigger than with my last pregnancy, but it was the same as before- nothing could be seen inside it. "It looks like we're still a little too early to see the baby." Hot tears rolled down my cheek and I lost it. Dr. M said that he knew there was nothing he could say to make me feel better, but to rest assured that everything looked fine. He told me to come back in two days saying that two days could make all the difference. I wanted to believe him, but figured he was just trying to make me feel better.

I bawled and sniffled as he talked and as we went to the reception area to pick a time to come in the following Thursday. The other patients there probably thought I was crazy.

I bawled all the way home and begged God not to let another miscarriage happen. I could not have handled it. I would have a nervous breakdown if I lost another precious child. I begged and I begged and I begged.

That night I prayed another rosary and thought back to my vision with Mary. I thought I was so stupid for reading into that. Mary showing me that I was going to have a baby...how dumb I thought. I prayed a lot, bargained, reasoned and argued with God that night.

Wednesday was a long day, but in some odd way I felt at peace. It wasn't a "everything is going to be OK" peace... I can't really explain it.

Thursday came and we went to the doctor. I was preparing for the worst. I was preparing for blood tests and more waiting. I chastised myself for not being one of those perpetually optimistic people. I kept thinking "God's will be done..." but I'll admit my attitude was "God's will better be my will...."

Dr. M did an ultrasound first. I knew it was going to look the same. I knew I'd have to go take a blood test. Why did I have to see that sac again? I felt like I was being tortured.

There was the sac, but to my surprise- I COULD SEE THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING INSIDE! "There's the baby! See, two days can really make a difference!" Dr. M said. And what he said next really took me by surprise- "And there's the heartbeat!" Now that was something I wasn't expecting to see. God had blessed me in more ways that I had asked for.

The little flicker of a heartbeat made my own heart beat a little faster and then the tears came again. "OK, I'm crying again, but these are happy tears!" I squealed. Dr. M, the nurse, and Ryan laughed as ultrasound pictures were printed out. He prescribed some prenatals plus some other vitamins to make sure Baby C grew strong and healthy.

All the way home I stared at that picture. I could barely make out the little teeny tiny, less than a centimeter long baby, but just knowing she was in there, heart beating and everything put my heart at ease.

There is so much more of this story to tell. A couple more scares and blessings to explain. But my tired preggo self must go take a nap, so I will finish the rest later!

Let's Get Excited for Lent!

It's that time of year again! Lent begins tomorrow! I always have big plans to have a fulfilling and getting-closer-to-God kind of Lent. I usually always have the same plans for Advent as well, but usually fall short (OK...I usually have an epic fail...) of my goals.

In high school I always gave up pop. Caffeine was an essential part of my day... I was a busy teenager! Giving up pop was very difficult, but after a few years it became fairly pain-free.

When I had my reversion back to the Catholic Church I decided to really challenge myself in what I gave up for Lent. I gave up meat completely, not just on Friday's. That was a huge sacrifice for me because I am definitely a meat and potatoes kind of gal. I didn't complain too much, because the man I was dating gave up his mattress for Lent!

The past couple years I've given up cussing, and if I did cuss I was supposed to put a dollar in a jar (I know, I know...I shouldn't be cussing anyway!) Another year instead of giving something up, I've added the practice of praying a rosary everyday. Both of those fell into the epic fail category and I didn't have a very good Lent.

So what am I giving up this year? I am not going to use salt and pepper on my food. My brother, mom, and I have this bad habit of putting salt and pepper on pretty much everything. However, I put a little more salt and pepper on my food than my family. My husband always suggests to me, "Why don't you taste your food before you pour on the salt and pepper?" But I know that I will end up wanting some, so I ignore him. One day I decided I would not use salt and pepper and it was honestly very difficult. I know giving up salt and pepper for Lent may seem trivial to some, but this is truly a sacrifice for me!

Some may ask the questions- Why do I have to give up something for Lent? What's wrong with enjoying life? What the heck does my salvation have to do with not eating meat on Friday's? I have asked these questions more than once.

What is it that helps us out during the tough times in life and helps us get closer to God? One answer is making ourselves spiritually strong. To get this strength we can't just sit there and expect it all to happen, we must have an active role in this "spiritual strength training." Too many of us are spiritually flabby and are too lazy to get going for the Lord! Thank the Lord he helps us out...it's just a matter of accepting that help. Think about wanting to lose weight. We're not going to lose weight by sitting there wishing away the pounds. We need to get up and do something.

I used to be one who would saying "I'm a Christian and I love Jesus." But I never went to Church, never picked up a Bible, never bothered learning more about Christ's teachings and willingly sinned A LOT. (Matthew 7:21-23 really opened my eyes...)I am definitely guilty of being a spiritually chubby child of God. Since my spiritual growth spurt during these past couple of years I've taken a closer look at some of these Lenten practices.

Let's say I give up chocolate for Lent. Every time I see a big, gooey, mouth-watering, whipped, creamy piece of chocolate cake (insert Homer Simpson drool noise here...) my first thought is "I WANT!!!" But then I think, "No, I can't have that because of Lent." Lent...oh yeah, the time leading up to Good Friday- the day Christ made His ultimate sacrifice by dying an agonizing death to give each and everyone of us salvation and to be a child of God. Victory over death. Promise of eternal happiness. Wow, suddenly giving up this piece of chocolate doesn't seem that hard. So every time I am going crazy over a piece of chocolate my mind and soul will then be directed towards Christ. That could be a little spiritual exercise to get me more in spiritual shape!

Lots of things besides Lent are like exercises. Just look at the Mass. Genuflecting, sign of the cross, bowing, kneeling, standing (good ol' Catholic aerobics) tapping the chest, kneeling again, standing again, lighting candles, gazing off at a stained glass window at a saint with a bunch of arrows in him and wondering "what the....?" It seems all SO mundane, boring, trivial...maybe even pointless? But look closer-- they all direct us towards God. If we take an active role during church, or even during our spiritual life, these things will make more sense and truly help us in the long run.

So the next time we complain about having to sit through Mass, give up sweets, or stare in pure jealousy at our friend who is eating a juicy steak on a Lenten Friday, let's remember the GOOD we are doing. It's only helping us! I'll paraphrase a line from the movie Dogma (I know, I know...most of the movie is pure blasphemy, but there are some interesting points if you really want to see them...) "You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it." Let's start celebrating people!

7 Quick Takes Friday Vol. 8

1.

It has been over a week since I've posted anything to my blog! I haven't been feeling well enough to put coherent thoughts together. Plus, my life is pretty boring. I don't have stories of all the cute/ornery things my children do (having kids is usually a requirement to tell those stories!) I don't have a job to complain/be proud of. I have no school to keep me busy.

What do I do all day? I read blogs and articles on the Internet while Headline News is on the TV in the background. Then I usually watch an episode or two of "A Baby Story" on TLC. I'll read my book a bit, straighten up and eat every once in awhile. I'll check back on my Blogger page to see if any more of you wonderful ladies and gentlemen have written anything new. At some point during the day I talk to my mom on the phone.

This is all when Ryan is not home. When he is home I am much more productive!

2.

I don't care who you were rooting for during the Super Bowl- Drew Brees with his son after his big win was truly a touching moment! I totally cried!




3.

I can't believe Lent will be here in less than a week. I'll have to admit, Lent used to be a huge drag for me, before my reversion back to the Church. Nowadays I appreciate it much more, but still have a hard time getting myself spiritually ready. I always have big plans to really grow closer to God during Lent... but I usually end up failing big time...

4.

So far I've read the Gospel of Matthew, Mark and Luke through the Navarre Bible series. It's the Bible, but with an extensive commentary. Wowsers does this commentary make me think! I always read it before bedtime, but it always makes me think... and think...and wonder.... and not fall asleep!

5.

The Winter Olympics is days away. For some reason, these Olympics don't thrill me all that much. Perhaps I'm tired of seeing snow outside my window, I don't want to see people playing in it either!

6.

I don't know about y'all... but I hate, hate, HATE those phony-bologna jewelry commercials they have showing every 5 minutes on TV. "He went to Jared!" GAG ME!

7.

My brother-in-law is now a published writer! He writes for the online version of Warpaint Illustrated (a magazine about the Kansas City Chiefs.) However they picked one of his articles to appear in the actual printed publication! We're so proud of him!


That's all folks! Have a great weekend!

I've Been Thinking.....

When I graduated college this past May, I was done, D O N E, with school for a very, very, very long time. I remember when I finished up my huge research paper for my senior seminar. I could literally feel a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. I could feel my blood pressure getting back to normal. My graduation was a joyous time because I knew I wouldn't have to do a bibliography, research, and MLA format EVER again!

There were fellow classmates around me that were ready and rearin' to go to grad school the following semester. My respect for them was very high, but I thought never in a million years would I ever be going.

Well, God laughed at my plans once again, and now lately my curiosity has gotten the best of me. I have found that only having an undergraduate degree in Theology is making it hard to find a job.

I feel like I am ready to go back to school. I love to learn, especially about theology! However there are many things that have discouraged me from going to grad school.

There aren't many schools that I am familiar with that have good, orthodox Theology masters programs. There are even fewer that I know of that are close to home. I really admire those people who can live far away from their families, but I just could not deal with it. My mom lives three hours away, and my in-laws live about an hour and a half away, and that is just way too far for me. The good, solid grad schools I know of are in Texas, Florida, Colorado and Ohio. (I'm sure there are more, but I'm clueless when it comes to good Catholic schools.) Distance is a big issue for me.

Another issue I had was taking the GRE (Graduate Record Examinations.) Call me unmotivated, but the thought of taking an exam like that really turned me off of grad school.

I loved going to my Theology classes while I was at Benedictine. I thoroughly enjoyed the lectures and discussions we had. Quizzes and tests never bothered me. It was writing papers that I dreaded. Some papers I didn't mind writing, it would depend on the subject and/or professor. Maybe I never got the hang of writing a good research paper, because a lot of the comments I received were to the effect of, "Good work, just not quite there" or "This paper was more of an apologetic tone than research-based." I know there are research papers required in grad school and most of the time a long written thesis is required to graduate. The thought of writing a thesis makes me sick to my stomach...

There were many other things that discouraged me from thinking about going to grad school. Foreign language requirements, applications, letters of recommendation, and the fact that I would like to start a family soon are just a few to name.

Despite all my reservations I went on Franciscan University's website to take a peek. There was a tab that definitely caught my eye: Distance Learning Program

I was intrigued! I could take nearly all my classes at home! I would have to take 6 hours there at the campus, but I could do that during the summer. I could live in Ohio for one summer!

Then I kept reading all these things that were opening the door for grad school to be more of an option for me: no GRE required, no foreign language requirement, I could take up to 6 months to finish a class and at my own pace, I could have pretty much anyone except family provide me with a letter of recommendation, AND they don't require a written thesis; instead they do comprehensive exams (I do much better at those!) Plus, they don't emphasize narrowing a field of study to one thing (like Biblical studies, moral theology, Church history), instead they want you to dabble in a little bit of each subject, which I like.

This program was designed for people who are already working or who have families. It seems perfect for me because nearly everything that turned me off of grad school is not a requirement at Franciscan.

There are still some things that make me a little hesitant to jump into this whole getting my masters degree. Finances are one thing. I know I could get financial aid, but I already have so much debt from Benedictine that adding more just seems unreasonable to me.

It is our ultimate goal that I stay at home with our children until they go to school. When they do, I'd love to get into the work force if that is God wants me to do. If I had my masters I could teach a college course, work for the diocese or do something that really made a difference. But what if I don't feel called to go back to a job when our children are in school? Will have getting my masters have been a big waste? I think that is my biggest fear... wasting time and money.

Could I manage being a stay at home mom with little ones and do online classes and homework? I was overwhelmed when I was a just a single gal living by myself.

I sent off for more information, so it will definitely be something to think and pray about. If I did go, it wouldn't be for awhile, so I have plenty of time!

Thy will be done, O Lord!