A Journey of Ups and Downs... So Far! Part II

So I forgot to mention that at the previous appointment I wrote about, I measured 6 weeks and 1 day. So everything was looking great!

I was still on cloud nine after seeing the heartbeat, but was still a little concerned because I didn't have any noticeable pregnancy symptoms. Those concerns quickly vanished in a haze of unbelievable nausea and fatigue. So all those times I mentioned in my blog that I wasn't feeling well, or that I couldn't concentrate to put thoughts together- well, Baby C was behind that!

Then more and more symptoms that I didn't even know were pregnancy symptoms kept popping up. Nosebleeds, headaches, backaches, sneezing, pregnancy rhinitis, and some other things that I'm sure you all don't want to know about started happening.

As uncomfortable as I was (and still am) I was thankful. Every time my head rested on the toilet seat, waiting to throw up and I could smell the faint smell of Clorox Toilet Scrub I thanked God. Every time my husband hugged me a little too tight and caused me to yelp in pain due to my very sensitive chest area I thanked God. As many times as I had to muster every atom of energy to get out of bed I was thankful that things were going the way they were supposed to.

At my next appointment I would be 10 weeks. I was so excited and couldn't wait until the appointment! I wanted to see our little Tater Tot (our in-utero nickname for our baby) again on an ultrasound or at least hear the heartbeat. I had a little countdown in my head. I felt like a little kid right before Christmas- the time seemed to take forever!

I started getting on pregnancy websites and reading maternity message boards. My worries of miscarriage had gone down a bit since I felt the overwhelming blessing of pregnancy symptoms. But every once in awhile I'd come across a story of miscarriage or a still birth and I would start to freak out. My worry would come in "waves." Some days I'd feel on top of the world, then I'd feel a certain sense of doom that a miscarriage was coming. Then nausea would hit full-force and I would feel on top of the world again!

The weeks before my appointment we told our families the good news. I told some very close friends as well. I would have been happy to announce I was pregnant the day I got a positive pregnancy test. I believe every life should be celebrated- whether the baby is born on earth, or born in heaven. But of course fear got a hold of me and I kept thinking that once we get another good doctor's appointment we'd start spreading the news.

Finally, after what seemed like months of waiting the week of my doctor's appointment arrived. At Ash Wednesday Mass I prayed hard that our doctor's appointment that Friday would turn out well. After communion I prayed especially hard.

Later that night I started to really freak out. I had been waiting forever for this appointment and all of a sudden I did not want to go. My pregnancy symptoms had kind of simmered down a bit, so when I tried to Google the time frame for that happening of course I got all sorts of search results that had "miscarriage" attached. I never had any sort of bleeding or spotting or any kind funky discharge. I checked my underwear every time I went to the bathroom just to make myself feel better. But the way I found out about my last miscarriage was through an ultrasound, there was no bleeding or spotting or even cramping beforehand. I thought we'd be seeing my 8 week old baby and instead he had passed away at 5 weeks. I had read other stories and heard of other women who think everything is fine, but when they go in to their doctor they can't find a heartbeat.

What if I went in on Friday and the baby measured only 8 weeks? What if they couldn't find a heartbeat? Here I was again, in a situation that I couldn't control. Ignorance was bliss for me at that time. I felt content thinking my baby was still alive. I didn't want any bad news.

Scare #2

Thursday seemed to drag on forever. I tried keeping myself busy and positive. Everything was fine until I went to bed around midnight. I laid in bed and suddenly a sharp stabbing pain pierced the left side of my uterus. I had been having very slight, rare cramping that I knew was associated with a growing uterus, but this was a pain I had never felt. It would stab for a few seconds then go away. Sometimes five, ten or forty-five minutes would pass before it would happen again. I had heard of round ligament pain which has been described as a sharp pain, so I didn't think much of it and ended up drifting to sleep.

Around 7:00 a.m. I woke up to use the bathroom. I laid back down and the sharp pains came flaring up again. I couldn't sleep because of the pain and extreme worry, so I got out of bed. There was no bleeding or anything, but I was still freaked out. I cleaned a little, fixed some breakfast, and read some blog archives of my favorite bloggers. I went on the internet to research this pain. "Miscarriage" and "call your doctor" were all over the place. I slammed my laptop shut and started getting very angry. I went to lay in bed and prayed to God. Again I begged and pleaded that everything would be OK. Every scenario was running through my head- would I start bleeding soon? Could this bleeding be prevented? Will everything turn out perfectly and I was worrying for no reason?

I started bawling in bed and it woke up my husband. I told him I was terrified and he suggested we call Dr. M. It was 8:30 a.m. and our appointment was at 1:00 so I decided to wait it out. I went to take a shower to calm down and hope that the warm water would soothe the pain. I was wrong. The pain intensified in the shower and as I was getting dressed. I decided to call Dr. M. There was no way I could wait.

The receptionist told me to come in right away. We hopped in the truck and drove the 25 miles to the office. I was nervous, scared and still in pain. I didn't know what to expect.

The doctor came in right away, lifted my shirt a bit and squirted the ultrasound jelly on my stomach. I had a flashback back to the external ultrasound done like this that informed us of my miscarriage. I did not want to look at the screen. The last time with the external ultrasound they couldn't even find the gestational sac. What were we going to see this time?

What we saw was our baby, measuring perfectly and heart beating strong. What we saw was our baby moving and jumping around. What we saw was the very blurry and faint features of our Tater Tot's face.

Dr. M said our baby looked "gorgeous." He then explained that the pain I was feeling was indeed ligament pain and the only thing to make it feel better is rest. So all that moving around I was doing earlier that morning just aggravated the pain!

Again I thanked God for his blessings. He had once again taken care of me during my time of unbelievable fear. Dr. M printed off a couple pictures for us and answered all of my questions and calmed most of my fears.

When I came home I took a long nap and when I woke up the cramping had gone away. I had to kick myself for having such a dark and twisted attitude that I was sure I was going to lose my baby. I will be worried throughout this whole pregnancy until I hold my baby in my arms. Then a whole new plethora of worries will set in. But I've decided to cherish the life inside me and trust that God's will is what is best. I need to stop trying to force God's will to conform to mine. It should be the other way around. I need to be thankful instead of paranoid, happy instead of down in the dumps.

I felt so good about this latest appointment that I decided to announce it to the rest of the world via Facebook and my blog. Any extra prayers you can throw out there for Baby C would greatly be appreciated!

St. Gianna, pray for Baby C!