A Journey of Ups and Downs... So Far! Part I

December 31, 2009 was day 51 of my 54 day rosary novena. While praying the rosary I kind of like to "imagine" the mysteries. For example, for the mystery of the baptism of Jesus I imagine I am actually there, feeling the warm sun, seeing the sparkly water from the river Jordan, and seeing the clouds part and rays of Godly sunshine pouring down.

I was praying the decade of Mary being crowned Queen of Heaven and my mind started to wander. Ahead of me was Mary, kind of short and very young looking. She was holding a baby and had a huge smile on her face. I walked toward her and stood right next to her. I looked down at this gorgeous newborn baby and thought, "I am so humbled, I am looking at baby Jesus." Mary put her arm around me and handed me the baby and smiled at me. I looked down and knew in my heart that this baby was my baby.

Then I became a little confused. Perhaps I was looking into this "vision" all wrong. Maybe it was Jesus, and Mary letting me hold Him was symbolizing Jesus as a gift to the world. Perhaps it was symbolizing that Jesus and Mary loved me. Maybe Mary was giving me the blessing of holding my precious baby Gus, who died before we could hold him. But I still had that feeling of it being a whole new person that I had helped conceive.

This "vision" (I put this word in quotations, because it was more of a daydream, but I wasn't in control...) soon faded away and I was awestruck. I had an inkling I might be pregnant. I decided I would take a pregnancy test on January 1st. I thought that would be a fitting day to find out if I was going to be a mother- January 1st is the feast day of the motherhood of Mary.

The next morning I took the test. I was very nervous because I wanted more than anything in the world for it to be positive, but I thought that maybe my cycle was still a little out of whack since my miscarriage. I didn't want to be disappointed. The holiday season was very hard for me because for some reason that time of year makes me the most excited to start a family. I had been so close to starting a family, and having it taken away from me was devastating.

Mary must have been on to something the night before, because the test turned out positive! I was so incredibly happy! But then a whole new set of worries came in: the paranoia of miscarriage came stomping in. I called to make a doctor's appointment right away, but couldn't get in until January 19th. I wanted to call our parents so badly, but decided to wait just a little longer.

My dad's surgery occurred in the next few weeks, so that kept my mind on other things. However, the thought of something going wrong in my pregnancy was always in the back of my mind. It got so bad I would start bawling like I had already lost the baby. I was trying to hard to think positively but the sense of dread was great.

Scare #1

The day of my doctor's appointment finally arrived. The receptionists greeted me warmly and expressed their sorrow for my previous miscarriage. Then the wait began. It was a busy day there at Dr. M's office. My heart was pounding so fast and I felt so nervous that it seemed forever before he came in to do the exam. He did an internal ultrasound and I held my breath.

Based on my last period I should have been 8 weeks pregnant, but I knew I had ovulated later than normal (good ol' NFP!) So to be on the safe side I figured I was between 6-8 weeks pregnant. I waited for the images to pop up on the screen and there was that little gestational sac. It looked bigger than with my last pregnancy, but it was the same as before- nothing could be seen inside it. "It looks like we're still a little too early to see the baby." Hot tears rolled down my cheek and I lost it. Dr. M said that he knew there was nothing he could say to make me feel better, but to rest assured that everything looked fine. He told me to come back in two days saying that two days could make all the difference. I wanted to believe him, but figured he was just trying to make me feel better.

I bawled and sniffled as he talked and as we went to the reception area to pick a time to come in the following Thursday. The other patients there probably thought I was crazy.

I bawled all the way home and begged God not to let another miscarriage happen. I could not have handled it. I would have a nervous breakdown if I lost another precious child. I begged and I begged and I begged.

That night I prayed another rosary and thought back to my vision with Mary. I thought I was so stupid for reading into that. Mary showing me that I was going to have a baby...how dumb I thought. I prayed a lot, bargained, reasoned and argued with God that night.

Wednesday was a long day, but in some odd way I felt at peace. It wasn't a "everything is going to be OK" peace... I can't really explain it.

Thursday came and we went to the doctor. I was preparing for the worst. I was preparing for blood tests and more waiting. I chastised myself for not being one of those perpetually optimistic people. I kept thinking "God's will be done..." but I'll admit my attitude was "God's will better be my will...."

Dr. M did an ultrasound first. I knew it was going to look the same. I knew I'd have to go take a blood test. Why did I have to see that sac again? I felt like I was being tortured.

There was the sac, but to my surprise- I COULD SEE THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING INSIDE! "There's the baby! See, two days can really make a difference!" Dr. M said. And what he said next really took me by surprise- "And there's the heartbeat!" Now that was something I wasn't expecting to see. God had blessed me in more ways that I had asked for.

The little flicker of a heartbeat made my own heart beat a little faster and then the tears came again. "OK, I'm crying again, but these are happy tears!" I squealed. Dr. M, the nurse, and Ryan laughed as ultrasound pictures were printed out. He prescribed some prenatals plus some other vitamins to make sure Baby C grew strong and healthy.

All the way home I stared at that picture. I could barely make out the little teeny tiny, less than a centimeter long baby, but just knowing she was in there, heart beating and everything put my heart at ease.

There is so much more of this story to tell. A couple more scares and blessings to explain. But my tired preggo self must go take a nap, so I will finish the rest later!