The poverty line.
We're hovering around it.
Living so close to going below the poverty line is taking its toll on me.
My dreams of having a big family are slipping away. I'm tired of the judgement just from announcing this second pregnancy. We can't afford 2 kids.
I feel so foolish.
I feel like a failure since we live with my in-law's.
I feel like our financial predicament is all my fault. I should have been more careful when applying for student loans. I should have worked harder in part-time jobs. I should have lived in dorms longer. I should have applied for more scholarships.
If I was working, we'd be better off. But could we even afford the childcare? If we have a lot of children we won't.
Resentment grows towards my friends who aren't struggling as much as we are. Some people get bitter at baby announcements. I get bitter at "We just bought a house!" announcements.
We wanted our children two years apart. God is blessing us with that gift. But was it's God's will or mine? We didn't feel a strong feeling to avoid, so we were open. But maybe we should have prayed about it more.
I am always feelings so judged and looked down upon because of our financial situation.
I feel like I should be using the gifts God gave me to supplement our income, but I feel like I have nothing to contribute.
I feel worthless. I feel like I should be working harder.
I feel hopeless. We've prayed for God to lead us in what to do. We're not asking him to send us a winning lottery ticket. We just want to know what to do. He has taken care of us, for sure, but we need to know WHAT TO DO NEXT.
I hate living in the city surrounded by all these rich SOB's. I've never wanted what they have- the big cars, the big houses, the designer clothes, but seeing them reminds me that even a small tiny rental house is unattainable at this time.
I keep thinking that my grandparents survived on nothing and they raised 7 kids. My mom raised me on nothing and I know many other family members that have struggled. They have lived wonderful, happy and fulfilling lives. But I just don't see that happening for us.
I'm so incredibly naive sometimes that when something out of the blue happens- like getting a huge pre-payment bill for my OB- I totally freak out. Of course the bill will be higher, Maggie. Ryan's insurance has changed and we live in a big city now. Duh.
I'm tired of crying over bills and finances. It's a roller coaster that I want to get off of right now.
Of course, being almost 15 weeks pregnant and super duper giantly hormonal doesn't help matters any.
My apologies for such a depressing, crabby-ass post.
I just really needed to get my feelings out there.
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14 comments:
First off...remember that just because the norm in the world is a white picket fence and 2.1 children doesn't mean it's the right in the world. I mean, really, if you or I wanted to be "normal" we'd both be taking birth control pills.
So you live with your in-laws. Who cares? There are in-laws living together all over the world. There is communal living. Entire separate families living together. We live right next to Caritas where there is half a dozen Catholic families all living in trailers together on one property. None of these families have less than 4 kids.
Our children only need the necessities of live. All the wants are extra. Don't be so hard on yourself. And the number of children you have is between you and the Lord. It's never been about "them" anyway...
Oh honey, sometimes I feel like we could be such great friend. We live with my MIL too :( I totally get that. And we're not rich by any means.
If you really feel called to help financially in your family have you looked into anything at your parish? Maybe there's a part time job helping out in the office or something? I know many times they're a lot more open to mothers and their needs with hours. But that's just an idea.
This post couldn't have come at a better time...Hubs and I experiencing the opposite of you and your Hubs. We own our house and are (finally) doing fairly well financially (though it took a few years to get there and correct baaaaad spending habits), but we still have not been able to conceive. I sometimes get bitter at baby announcements, in fact we just heard more baby news from immediate family members on Monday night....I am happy for them but I won't lie, it hit me in the gut. Maybe it's because they are the Will and Kate of our family and it doesn't seem like they have had to struggle with anything....but I have to remind myself that all of us do struggle, just in different ways.
Things will work out.
Hugs, sorry you are feeling judged ~ remember we are called to be in the world but not of it.
As far as income have you considered any of the common home businesses; Scentsy, thirty-one, etc or using your writing skills: a column on a parenting website, or allowing ads on this blog (you have many followers).
Mostly hugs and support!!
And here I am feeling so sad about not having babies. You are on the opposite end of having another baby and being criticized for it. I think it is great that you are having another child. I've learned it doesn't take much money to raise a child. I sew almost all of Susi's clothes, cook all our meals from scratch, grew a nice garden, and try and do as much as I can on the cheap. Soon, once we go down to TAC we are definitely going to be living month to month. It fills me with anxiety sometimes, but in my head I know it will be okay, that God will provide. If you need any girl clothes, let me know, I'll pass them on to you, although you'll probably be inundated with stuff from your family, is my guess.
You are a really good writer. Maybe there is an online mother's magazine you could post to?
Oh. how. I. hate. money.
I love all of the suggestions above for you - you are a beautiful writer and I know you have a theology degree...surely if you are wanting to find a way to contribute financially you can find one that allows you to be at home with Joe and baby #2.
I love the way Michelle (at Endless Strength) and her family have made it work as well with both of them working outside the home.
You are in my prayers - oh and please never ever question your sweet Baby #2, just thank God for him/her and smile because that baby is worth more than any amount of money in the world.
Maggie, I am so sorry for your situation and all you are struggling with. My husband and I lived with my parents for about 6 months, and since we've been really good with our money and had no debt, we were able to save to buy a very cheap modest house. The only way this is possible is because I work pt as a director of youth ministry. We live very modestly and too are near the poverty line. But we are doing okay and too have been open to life. I would give anything to be in your situation right now. We, like you lost our first child. Our second is 22 months. I was 14 weeks pregnant last week with our third. He died and I once again had a miscarriage. We are mourning and miss our child greatly.
Take advantage of your talents, you have so many. Please know I am praying for you, that you find peace and joy in your situation. You are blessed.
While our incomes are good, the student loan burden we carry is huge and it is more than our mortgage (DH took out a lot of loans for his masters). Our financial situation is something I struggled with when staying out on maternity leave as long as I have, because I lost some pay by staying home as long as I did. We are very lucky that my mom watches our children, because we could not afford day care and can not afford to live on 1 income because of our student loan debt.
I hope you do not feel judged because of having your baby and living with your in-laws! There's no shame in doing what you need to in order to take care of your family!
I really, really hear you on this. We were able to buy a house, after three years of marriage (when our firstborn was two), *only* because my husband had previously served in the military and so could take advantage of the no-down-payment VA loan. With that, we were able to buy a very modest fixer-upper. But we've had two incomes since the beginning - I worked my whole pregnancy, and then was blessed to telecommute from home with the same job at much reduced (15/wk) hours until now. BUT... I very much feel your stress... because we are (very newly) expecting baby #2, my company is likely going under, and there is no way for us to make ends meet on my husband's salary alone. It is sad, because he works for our local diocese - you'd think they'd take Rerum Novarum (sp?) seriously and provide a just wage (which, by Catholic teaching, is one that allows one person to support a family, not one that requires two incomes to make ends meet). I think it's the predicament of our generation, and I can't tell you how many young Catholic couples I know in the same boat. I personally know more than one couple who are having to use sheer abstinence for very lengthy (upwards of one-two *years*) periods of time because they've had one "surprise" with NFP and quite literally can't afford another... for them, the choices are true poverty, heroic abstinence, or mortal sin. I do wish they talked more about these things in pre-Cana.. instead of making it out like NFP is a perfect rose garden, "just follow these rules and you'll be fine", as though it's equivalent to artifical BC. All the people I know who are using BC are using things like the IUD, which is way more "effective" than NFP, and thus yes, they can do the two children picket fence thing. But for Catholics, the reliability of NFP is so reliant on one's own personal fertility, cycle variance, etc; it doesn't work exactly the same for everyone, which is something that should be discussed in pre-Cana... that to be Catholic and be open to life really means that, if you have normal fertility, you are probably going to end up with more children than the world considers acceptable, and unless you're married to a doctor or lawyer, you're going to live in greater poverty than the rest of your peers who limit their children in immoral ways. That's not to say that there aren't far greater blessings in living the Christian life... but that even so, trying to live that life in this world is a heavy cross.
So. I don't have any really good advice - I just empathize. My husband, hero that he is, is currently looking for a second job so that we can make ends meet when baby #2 arrives, or when my job goes under, whichever comes sooner. As you point out... I feel like I "could" go to work full time (loathe as I am to do so - I desperately don't want to put our daughter in daycare!) but with two, I wouldn't bring home *anything* after childcare anyway.
Please know there is no shame in living with family. We haven't lived with ours, but we have had substantial financial help from them just the same. You'll make it work! What has been helping me lately is to reflect, every night before I fall asleep, on the ways in which God has miraculously provided for us in the past.. always right when we needed it, always right out of the blue. And to remember that He wouldn't have blessed us with this child, and not give us the means to provide.. every baby comes with a loaf of bread, as they say.
Get ye behind me satan...God loves you and treasures you. :)
I think I love Blessed Mom.... ;) She is so true!
In my health condition I would absolutely kill to be near family. :( I don't have anyone to depend on here.
With that being said, rock that NFP girl! And we love that little 15wk baby!
You are not inferior, so many people are struggling right now with the economy the way it is. And the ideal of owning a house is really rather recent. My family lived with an aunt of mine for a year (I was 4 my sister was 2) and later with my grandparents for a year (When I was 7 and had 5 yr old, 3 yr old and 2 yr old siblings.) Both of those years are pretty happy ones in my memory.
There is no perfect way to be financially. There is always more you could have or want or more people will think you should have or want. We owned a house, and lost a lot of money on it, and spent 2 years AFTER we sold that house scraping every cent we could to pay off that stupid mortgage.
We have 4 kids under the age of 5. I have been a stay-at-home mom so far. But now my husband is changing jobs and taking a pay cut and I am going to be working as well. Am I afraid to start this new chapter of working shifts on opposite times and trading caring for our kids? You bet! But I know we will make it, because we have each other. Having stuff or status can’t make our lives more wonderful, happy or fulfilling.
What does make your life more wonderful, happy or fulfilling? Try to focus on those things. And sorry about the stress of the Drs bill, have you considered applying for Medicaid? If you are at the poverty line you probably qualify, and that would help with the larger unexpected drs bills.
And remember, there are all kinds of people who think that having any kids at all is crazy. The question is, do you want this baby? Are you excited about this baby? Are you going to care for this baby? Then that is all that matters. Those people aren’t your baby’s parent, so their opinion on whether or not they should exist doesn’t matter.
I am praying for you, Maggie! I know you can do it! Prayer is amazing :)
And you have a wonderful bundle of joy to look forward to in a few months!
I don't really have any advice to offer, but I'm offering a lot of prayers for you all, especially that sweet, sweet baby! I wish I was pregnant right now, instead of getting my 4th root canal in six months! Oh how I hate abstinence (and tooth decay)!
Is there a pre-school you could get involved with? My friend who has 4 (hers are 7,5,3,1.5) works at a pre-school in our neighborhood, which starts at 18 months. She works with 4-5 year olds (about 20 hours per week), and her young'uns attend for free while she works. Her hubby is a fireman, so I know they need the extra income and it's helped her out a lot. Maybe you could find something like that? Where you could work and have Joe with you while you do?
For me, I also feel that I *should* be contributing to our income. I mean, I'm the one with loan debt (my hubby was blessed to have parents who paid for undergrad and law school), shouldn't *I* be paying it off? Yet at the same time, with a grad degree in non-profit management, there's no way I'm going to make enough money to justify child-care for two (or more) kids. We worry about having another baby because, yes, he's a lawyer, but no, he doesn't work at a big firm, and you'd be surprised at how low the pay is for lawyers who work for the government. I'm not complaining really, but I relate to the green-eyed monster. I feel it all the time. Praying for you all.
I wandered over here from some blog friends we have in common and I really wanted to reach out having read this.
I've been in your shoes. When we were expecting our first we were also living with my parents, in a cramped little basement room, and struggling to find work. Long story short, I struggled all through my pregnancy with the emotions you're describing. I know what it feels like to be so far from your dream - we dealt with it all too, everything from insurance woes to the bigger financial concerns to the extreme jealousy of my friends and neighbors. I've written a little about my experience if you want to wander over to read, please do.
Things will get better in time, and until then the best thing to do is just keep going, day by day.
To my regret our situation will never allow us to live on only one income, but I was able to find a well paying job (not a lot of money but enough to make ends meet and pay for childcare) that did not require any experience (in fact I could have started doing this out of high school) with a flexible schedule that cuts down on daycare. While I'd love to stay home with my boy right now I know that working and having the ability to relax about finances, etc. makes me a calmer and better mother. If you ever get to the point that outside employment is necessary I'd be happy to share what I know.
For now I'll leave you with two prayers I found helpful during my struggle.
"O God, you have called us to your service: Show us your purpose for our lives. Though it be hard, make us long to follow it, and give us courage to persevere until, at the last, we reach the goal which you have set for us."
"Lord, you know my cares and my fears. Help me to turn them all over to you, who have promised to give rest to our souls. Grant to me now a restful spirit and a peaceful mind, and in quietness and confidence and faith to find a new strength."
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