At a loss...

I'm super pissed.

I'm super hormonal.

I'll probably regret this post later on.

I'm just asking for some prayers.

I've been thinking about attempting a VBAC since, oh, pretty much from one hour after I had my c-section. I've prayed. I've researched. I want that experience, but I'm not militant about it. If I have to have a c-section then I am OK with that, but I want at least the opportunity to try a trial of labor.

I scheduled an appointment soon after I found out I was pregnant. It was to a very Catholic, very pro-life doctor. I know many people who have gone to him and love him. I was under the impression he did do VBAC's. I found out later that was incorrect. Thankfully a friend pointed me to another good Catholic NFP doctor who DOES do VBACs. I scheduled an appointment with him.

When I met him I felt instantly at ease. He said he didn't see a problem with VBAC, except his only concern was how big Joe was and he was born 2 weeks early. He said if Joe had been a pound lighter he would highly encourage me to attempt a VBAC. He and I were both on the same page in that we'd play it by ear. He said, "We'll leave it in God's hands" which really impressed me. I also mentioned my fears of having multiple c-sections because I would like a handful of kids and I always read that multiple c-sections are dangerous. He said he had just delivered a woman's 8th child and all were c-sections, so it can be done. He gave me comfort and peace. I was feeling awesome!

A few weeks later we got the pre-payment bill for the OB office. I was dumbstruck. It was huge and it didn't even cover everything. My husband's insurance when I was pregnant with Joe was stellar because we barely paid anything. This was just the OB office... God only knows how much it would be for the hospital.

My mind was racing with what to do. There is assistance we could apply for through the hospital. Or, there is always Medicaid for Pregnant Women. I would probably qualify. But when I called my OB office they said they do not take Medicaid.

For the past few weeks I've been struggling to figure out what I want to do. I think we can pay the OB bill with our tax return, and maybe the hospital assistance program will help us out. But then I think about our financial situation and I despair. I was referred to another doctor who does take Missouri Medicaid and does do VBACs.(My doctor is in Kansas.) But I really really really really really want to stay with this doctor. But will it be worth it financially?

I prayed and prayed and prayed. Last week I had an appointment with my doctor. I was wanting to ask him his opinion of the doctor they referred me to. I was ready to give up. I told him it was very important to me to have a Catholic doctor and he stopped me before I could say anything else. He said he would do everything in his power to take care of me and we would work it out. I asked him about Medicaid. He said even though the office said they wouldn't take it, he would... until I mentioned it would be Missouri Medicaid. He honestly did not know if he would be able to take it. He asked me to find out if any Missouri Medicaid would be accepted in Kansas. He said we would get it figured out.

As soon as we left the office we went to a Division of Family Services office and asked them if Missouri Medicaid was accepted in Kansas. They said yes, it was, based on the doctor's discretion. So I called back to the insurance lady at the OB office and told them this. She said she would talk to my doctor and get back with me.

I've been waiting for a week to find out. I just got the call an hour ago saying that they will not take Missouri Medicaid.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Do I just go to this doctor they referred me to, who I have never met, since they do take Missouri Medicaid? Do I suck it up and pay the OB bill hoping that we get assistance through the hospital so I can stay with a doctor I feel comfortable with? Do I try and find another doctor all together?

I'm so pissed and confused. I hate my c-section even more because it narrows down my choices. I feel like a freaking loser who has to depend on assistance. I feel like once I hit the post button that people will nod their heads and say, "Yup, yup...See, you gotta plan these things out before you get knocked up."

I'm clueless. I need to figure out something. I'll be 17 weeks this Friday. I don't feel any joy in this pregnancy. I'm anxious because of pre-e, VBAC/c-section, bills, doctors...

Please pray for us to make a good decision because I just have no more words anymore.