Flu Shots.. dun, dun, DUUUNNN!!!

OK, so I know everyone says there are no such things as stupid questions, but this one is kind of silly.

Today I was watching Sid the Science Kid. (OK, so this show happened to be on right after Sesame Street. Joe watches Sesame Street, not me. And if you accuse me of being a horrible parent because I let my child watch TV on rare occasions so help me I will go all kinds of Chuck Norris on you.) The reason this episode jumped out to me was because the topic stressed the importance of getting a flu shot.

I see commercials and news stories all over the place for flu shots. I see raging debates regarding flu shots. Flu shots are a big deal.

I will admit that I am somewhat confused and not very well-educated on the matter.

Here are my thoughts.

I'm pretty sure the flu shot has been around for a long time, but it seems to me that just in the past five years or so there has been a big push for getting one. Last year was my first time getting a flu shot. The last time I had the flu was in college and it wasn't too terribly bad. I can't even tell you the time before that when I had the flu. I don't remember. I obviously survived. However last year during one of Joe's well-child checks the doctor strongly suggested I get a flu shot to protect Joe. He was too young at the time to even be considered to get one so the doctor said Ryan and I should get one to create a bubble of protection for Joe, so I did. I had no adverse reactions and that was that.

This year I will probably get a flu shot. If I don't get one I won't be concerned. If I do get one I won't worry that my arm will fall off. It's really no big deal for me. The thing I am slightly concerned about is getting the flu shot for Joe.

At his one year check up he got some shots. The doctor suggested waiting about a month before I come back in to get his flu shot. I am supposed to call and set up a time to go in and get it done. I am a big time procrastinator so I keep putting it off. But deep down inside I have this uncomfortable gut feeling about Joe getting the flu shot.

So my question is- what is so terrible about actually getting the flu? Yes, I know some people can die from the flu. But some people can die from catching a cold, too. I mean, it's not that common, right? It's just the flu. It's not like small pox where it wipes out multitudes of people. But like I said, I am not very educated about this topic.

But on the other hand I think,"Well, if we are blessed with modern medicine that can create a substance that can prevent one from getting the flu, then why not take advantage of that?" Getting the flu is no fun, so if you can prevent all the horrible things that come with getting the flu, then why not get the shot? Plus, if it can prevent one from dying then it it's a great thing, right?

But then I get to thinking again. What if there are some long-term effects regarding the contents of the flu shot that we won't know about for years to come? What if I gave my son the shot and he developed some complication that would be much worse than just getting the plain ol' flu?

I'm just not sure what to do. My gut goes with getting Ryan and I immunized and using common sense. (i.e. lots of hand washing, Vitamin D, not taking Joe out when he is sick or exposing him to lots of sick people, not letting him lick toilet seats, etc.) However, I might change my mind, so don't think I am the worst mother in the world if I do decide to give Joe the flu shot.

I have a feeling I am opening up a can of worms with this post. I am open to people's thoughts on the flu shot and ONLY the flu shot. If anyone whips this conversation around to other vaccines I will promptly delete those comments. I am set in my decision to vaccinate Joe and do not tolerate extreme arguments from either side. I will whip out both my Chuck Norris AND Jackie Chan if I have to!

Excuse the mess!

Please excuse the mess and the ginormo picture of Joe. I'm trying to change things around here and I can't figure out how to get it smaller. (I already hit "Shrink to Fit")

I'm also in the process of adding some separate pages to make things look a little more organized.

I'm just too tired to finish it all tonight!

Motherhood and Pride

It has been a very long week.

I've been in a crabby mood, easily annoyed and frustrated all week. Maybe I'm PMS-ing, I don't know.

My babysitting schedule got all out of whack this week and today, a day I don't normally babysit, I had to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn. This all has thrown Joe's schedule off, and when Joe is out of sorts, his mama is out of sorts.

But what really got the bad-mood ball rolling was Monday. I made a dreaded call to his pediatrician about Joe's swallowing problems. I knew what his recommendation would be: send Joe to occupational therapy.

I suppose I should back way up and start at the beginning of Joe's eating troubles.

Joe has always been a champion nurser. He would have nursed all day long if I would have let him. (He still loves to nurse, but that is a different post for a different day.) I am thankful that we had no problems establishing a nursing relationship.

However, with my massive oversupply of milk and Joe's horrible acid reflux, there was a lot, A LOT, of spitting up. We didn't use burp cloths. Those were a joke. We had to use receiving blankets as burp rags, and we had to have one or two on us at all times because he was prone to spitting up and/or projectile vomiting. It was messy and gross. It got so bad he was getting miserable so when he was about a month old he was put on Zantac to control the reflux. We took him off those meds around 6 months because he wasn't spitting up and since he was sitting upright I figured the problem was gone.

I was wrong.

At around 8 months he was starting to spit up again (not as much as when he was younger) and I could tell he was miserable once again, so his doctor put him back on the Zantac. Things got better in that department and we stopped giving it to him when he was 11 months old.

I wondered how his acid reflux would figure in to giving him solids. When he was 4 months old the doctor gave the go-ahead to start rice cereal. I was so excited for this new step in Joe's life. Well, Joe wasn't too thrilled because after a few bites he'd stop eating. I knew this was relatively normal, but I tried everyday and he wasn't diggin' it. I tried different kinds of cereal- oatmeal, barley and mixed grains. I tried different consistencies and mixing it with both breast milk and water. He just wasn't liking it. I wasn't going to push it, so I waited until he was 6 months to re-introduce the cereal.

6 months came around and I tried the cereal again. He still didn't like it. I tried for a week or so then gave up. I decided to go ahead and give him level 1 sweet potatoes and he loved them! He wouldn't eat the whole 2.5 oz, but I could tell he enjoyed them much more than the cereal. Maybe he just wasn't a cereal-eating kind of guy.

I figured he would cruise right along to the thicker level 2 baby foods in no time. After all, according the suggested guidelines on the baby food jar he should be ready for them. He was sitting independently and had no problem getting the food down. But he would barely finish a whole container of the level 1 so I didn't bother giving him the level 2 that had one more ounce in it.

I didn't really try giving him any real solid foods since he didn't seem interested in the pureed food. I tried giving him puffs and yogurt melts but he barely even touched them. Again, I didn't push anything. I mentioned it to Joe's doctor and he wasn't concerned.

Finally one day when Joe was about 9 months old he started eating level 2 baby food and gobbled it all up. He was getting to the point of putting the puffs and yogurt melts into his mouth but he'd push them out of his mouth with his tongue or take them out with his hands.

Then came the Baby Mum-Mum's and level 3 baby food. With that came the vomiting. He had no problem putting the Mum-Mum's up to his mouth and biting and chewing, but once he swallowed he would gag then vomit. It was extremely nerve wracking because I always thought he was choking. I tried giving him level 3 baby food which has more in it and also has tiny bits of food. We gave him spaghetti which has iddy biddy tiny pieces of noodle and he could not handle that and there was even more vomiting. Joe just now got the hang of level 3 in the last month and a half.

So for the last few months I would give him 3 jars of baby food a day and before each jar I would offer him Cheerios or puffs or yogurt melts or pretty much anything that was safe for him to eat. He can pick them up, put them in his mouth and chew them. Most of the time he pushes them out with his tongue. Sometimes he swallows them like a champ and I think he's getting the hang of the whole swallowing thing. But then there are those times that his eyes start to water, his mouth opens into an O-shape and the gagging starts. I pat his back, I do the finger sweep and then a few seconds later out comes everything I just fed him. And now that he is drinking milk the smell is AWFUL! He has no problem swallowing pureed foods like mashed potatoes and he loves jell-0.

It's always been kind of drag. I'm paranoid he will choke. I see all these cute pictures on facebook of babies Joe's age gobbling up spaghetti or corn on the cob. I was worried that we'd have to puree his first birthday cake, but he had no problems with that. In fact some of the only things he can swallow with ease are large cookies and sweets. But I didn't worry too much about it. It's a bummer, but I figured that he'd grow out of it.

I mentioned my concerns to his doctor again at Joe's one year check up and the doctor was only slightly concerned. He thought maybe Joe has a hyper-sensitive gag-reflex, which could be the case since he pushes food out of his mouth with his tongue. However, there are times I give Joe his baby spoon to play with and he jams it way back there in his mouth and other times I give him his toothbrush to chew on and it also goes way back there and he doesn't gag then. The doctor said not to worry too much and wait a few months and if it doesn't get better then he would send him to an occupational therapist who would work with Joe's swallowing technique.

I wasn't ever really too worried until these last few weeks. Joe is vomiting more and more. He's throwing up food he used to eat with ease. He even once threw up while he was sleeping. He wasn't sick. Maybe a piece of food was caught on the side of his mouth and he gagged on it, but that scared the crap out of me. What if he would have choked on his own vomit? He never cried and we even had the baby monitor on and I didn't hear anything.

All of this throwing up has gotten to the point where I am beyond concerned. Plus, I can tell that baby food is no longer cutting it with Joe. I can tell he is hungry for more. He looks at our food at lunch and dinner and reaches for it and cries in anger when we don't give him a taste. We've tried, and he throws it all up. My mommy gut told me that it was time to call the doctor.

Monday morning I made the call. I explained to the nurse what was going on and she said she would consult the doctor to see what he thought was best. I waited all day for the phone call. Later that afternoon she finally called back with the news I was expecting- Joe was being referred to an occupational therapist.

When I hung up the phone I went upstairs and cried. It had been a rough day with both the girl I was babysitting and Joe, so I was tired and cranky already. I was emotional.

I wasn't sure why I was so upset. I knew this was going to be the outcome. I should be happy that the solution to Joe's problem was simple. I should be thankful that other than this little problem that Joe is perfectly healthy. He is growing and still gets nutrients from baby food and breast milk and whole milk. It could be so much worse. I could be sending him to have major surgery or for chemo for a childhood cancer. Occupational therapy isn't a big deal. His swallowing problem isn't that big of a problem because he is still thriving and a very happy little boy. I shouldn't be so selfish.

It took me a few days to figure out why I was so bothered by this. I finally came to the conclusion today. I am so upset because I feel I should be able to fix this problem on my own. I'm Joe's mommy. I should be able to fix this problem. I want to be the one to help him overcome his challenges. Letting go of the reigns and allowing someone else to step in and help Joe out makes me feel like a craptastic mother.

I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried harder with him at a younger age to get him to eat cereal and solids. Maybe I waited too long and that's why his swallowing muscles don't work properly. Maybe I shouldn't have nursed him as much as I did. If he was so happy with mama's milk perhaps that is why he wasn't interested in something more. Maybe I shouldn't be nursing him now. My fears of screwing up my son are coming to light in the fact that he can't swallow very well. What if it is all my fault?

I know this is a control issue. I'm relatively sure that Joe's challenge isn't because of something I did. I need to step back a little and realize that I am not Joe's one and only guardian and protector. There will be times that his daddy or grandparents will be able to solve one of Joe's problems better than I could. Someday a teacher will help him in an area where I cannot. A coach will help him perfect a certain athletic skill that I can't perform. A priest will be able to give him the kind of spiritual guidance that I am not capable of. A doctor will be able to heal him in ways that I am not trained to do. The same goes for an occupational therapist whose vocation in life is to help children with problems like this.

I am full of too much pride. I need to stop thinking that I am the ultimate super-mom that can take care of everything. It's hard to detach myself from Joe. We've been together since day one and we have a very deep bond. I've never spent a night away from him. So, it will be hard for me to see someone else working with him to overcome an obstacle. I need to be thankful that this isn't a serious medical issue and that there are people available to help him with this swallowing problem. I need to remember to stop thinking about myself and my ego and do whatever I can to help Joe, even if that means stepping aside and realizing that I am not all-powerful and perfect.

I'm sure someday I will look back and remember how silly I was to be so upset about this situation. But it is just hard for me to shake off these feelings because I love Joe so much and want to be the best mother possible for him.

My emotions ARE all over the place. Yeah, it really must be PMS. :-)

Joe's Autumn Adventures

Fall has definitely arrived here in Kansas City. It's simply wonderful. Autumn is probably my favorite season so I gladly welcome the chilly temperatures and falling leaves.

I feel like this is Joe's first "real" autumn. Yes, he was around last fall, but he was a newborn and I was in the first-time-newbie-zombie mom stage and was impervious to the changing seasons. This year, Joe absolutely loves everything to do with autumn. He loves to play in the leaves and play with pumpkins ("ba" he calls them, because he thinks they are balls.) Last week I took him to a local park and had our own fall photo shoot.





Have I told y'all that Joe is walking now? He would take wobbly steps now and again but a couple weeks ago at my mom's house he just took off walking. He's officially a toddler now. Makes me kind of sad...

He looks so grown up here!

This past weekend Ryan, Joe and I went with my mom and some of my cousins to Vala's Pumpkin Patch in Gretna, NE. This place is HUGE and so much fun! I think we are going to have to make this a family tradition! (The website to Vala's is down for some reason, but I encourage you to go check it out sometime to see how huge this place is!)

We stopped to eat at our favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, before we went to the pumpkin patch.

Joe LOVES pumpkins! Here he spots his first one!

"Ba!"

They have a huge, deep corn pit. Joe wasn't sure at first but you can see here that he eventually started having tons of fun!

Ryan and I jumping on these huge jumping things. Excuse my dorky look and the appearance of my husband being beamed up by aliens!

More pumpkins! Joe was in heaven!

Joe was fascinated by this huge dragon walking around. He kept dragging me to go see him!

Eating a pumpkin cookie!

Getting ready to get on the hay ride. Note the pumpkin in his lap.

The next day we decided to carve a pumpkin. We let Joe scoop out the guts. I wasn't sure how he would react (I personally think that pumpkin guts are the epitome of ICKY) but he LOVED it!

Yes, he is tasting some of the pumpkin guts.

Yes, he is chewing on the rind.

Grandma Mary carved an Elmo for Joe! (He is obsessed with Sesame Street!) She used a pattern and I think it came out quite well!

It is so much fun to see Joe react to all the seasonal goodies that come with fall. He is growing up so fast and it's amazing to see him learn and explore. It is so special to me to see the fun of fall through the eyes of my child.

I can't wait to see how he reacts at Christmastime!

Our Honeymoon

Oh, that Betty Beguiles. She has the greatest blogging ideas ever! She has had these fun link-up's to participate in and now she wants us to write about our honeymoon! Go check her out to read her story!

Ryan and I never really planned on having a honeymoon. We got married in April of 2009 and I was still finishing up my final semester of college. It was stressful enough to plan for a wedding, take some really tough senior seminar courses, travel to get to college (1 1/2 hours away) and to visit my soon to be husband (3 hours away.) I wasn't going to add to the stress of trying to plan a honeymoon as well.

Besides, we couldn't really afford a honeymoon. And to add to that Ryan had recently started a new job and didn't have vacation time built up. We just figured that we'd take a honeymoon someday in the future. It wasn't really that big of a deal for us.

The wedding came and went and it was perfect. I moved in with my husband and focused on writing some huge research papers to finish up my degree. I was driving an hour and a half to school two days out of the week. I was beyond stressed but finally the papers were turned in, graduation day arrived, and I walked across the stage and received my diploma the month following our wedding.

It was time to relax and start to enjoy married life. The thought of a honeymoon was far from my mind. The week leading up to Memorial Day weekend Ryan mentioned that he had a very rare four days in a row off of work starting on Memorial Day. What were we going to do with all that free time? Go to St. Louis since I had never been there? Go down south so I could see the beach for the first time? I remembered my mom had taken my nephew to South Dakota to Mouth Rushmore the previous fall and had a really good time. I suggested we go up there since it wasn't too terribly far. I had received quite a bit of money from my graduation in addition to the money we had received from our wedding. It didn't even really dawn on us that we were planning for our honeymoon. This was just going to be a fun trip.

On Sunday evening around 8:00 we left for South Dakota. We drove through Iowa in the darkness, but were excited to be off and doing something new and different. We stayed the night in Sioux Falls. We mentioned we were newlyweds and they gave us a huge suite for a discounted price. There was a hot tub right in the room which was awesome. The next day we set out for the long trek across South Dakota.

We had no itinerary. No schedule. We just set out to where we wanted to go and spent however long we wanted to be there. It was relaxing not to stick to a schedule or budget. I don't get out much of this great state of Missouri, so it was so exciting for me to get to another state and see a different landscape. We went to Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Bear Country and Custer National Park. We roamed around Keystone and bought some salt water taffy and had pizza out on a deck. We drove around the Black Hills Forest and listened to the calming, ethereal sound of the wind through the pine trees. We hiked around the Badlands.

This honeymoon wasn't too terribly exciting or exotic. However, we did have a bit of a conundrum. While we were in South Dakota I was looking at my NFP charts. I realized that I was in my peak fertility. We were newlyweds, and this was our honeymoon. Did we really feel called to avoid pregnancy at this time? It was a bit of a risk but we decided open our hearts and trust that God would pick the right time for us to conceive. If I got pregnant on our honeymoon, then so be it.

It turns out that I did not get pregnant. I was shocked because even someone who barely knows anything about NFP could see that my body was in prime baby making mode. But God chose differently. This experience on our honeymoon really taught us to trust in God. It taught us the value of NFP. He knows what is best for us and our marriage is happier because we include the Almighty in it.

As we were driving back from South Dakota my husband asked if we were going to consider this our honeymoon or if were were going to save up and take a fancier one in the future. We both agreed that this was the perfect honeymoon for us. Talking, driving and being outdoors was exactly what we felt was right for our honeymoon. We didn't need a fancy cruise or sandy beaches to make us feel like we had a good trip.

It didn't matter where were, as long as we had each other, it was perfect.



Gosh, I feel like we look so young in these pictures and they were just taken 2 1/2 years ago!

Thanks, Betty, for hosting this fun link-up!

On Being Melancholic

I am a sensitive person.

I have such a delicate nature that I consider it a cross that I bear.

I have been an easily affected person as long as I can remember. This is so embarrassing to admit, but one time when I was a child I was watching a TV show and this old man was walking a dog. The dog got loose, and the old man started chasing him and hollering after him, begging his dog to stop. The dog didn’t stop. The old man was distraught. I started crying.

Um, HELLO?! MAGGIE- IT’S A FLIPPIN’ TV SHOW! It’s make believe. Like unicorns and fairy poop- it is NOT REAL! I just couldn’t stand to see this sweet elderly person in emotional pain.

I remember another time when I was very young and I was at a Royal’s game with my brother. A man was walking up the stairs next to where we were sitting and he tripped. He was holding a tray of food and it went everywhere. He was fine, but probably embarrassed. My heart ached for him.

As I got older my sensitivity grew with me. When I entered my teenage years and those pesky hormones started kicking in… well, it was game over. Depression and anxiety grew out of my delicate emotional state. Every teen feels lonely and worthless at some point, but my feelings were much more severe.

You’d think that now that I’m all grown up my overly-sensitive feelings would have faded away. Um, not so much. I can’t stand to see people eating at restaurants alone or sitting by themselves at a movie theater. I know that 98% of the time these people are not lonely, they are alone by choice and they are perfectly happy. But I wonder if that elderly woman sitting by herself at Cracker Barrel just lost her oldest childhood friend to cancer and is hurting deeply, or that man in the business suit hasn’t seen his family or friends in two weeks because he has been traveling for his company. I just want to go and sit with them to keep them company.

Because I am so sensitive I don’t handle criticism very well. That is part of the reason I haven’t really started to work on my writing skills to kick start my dream of free-lance writing. I know in the world of professional writing there is a ton of rejection. I can get pretty protective of my writing, so when it is criticized, I take it as a direct criticism of me. There are times I get overly sad when I lose a blog follower or when someone who used to be a regular commenter stops commenting. I spend a little too much time wondering if it was something I wrote that made the person “mad” at me and stop following me or commenting. Too many times I measure my worth on who is following me or by how many comments a post receives. Very unhealthy thinking, I know.

I don’t do well with those people who like to make fun of others. There’s nothing wrong with a little harmless teasing once in awhile, but I really cannot stand to be around people who tease others constantly. My feelings are very easily hurt. I take things very personally. These people might tell me to lighten up or that they weren’t meaning to be mean. Believe me, I wish I could just laugh off those jabbing comments, but I just can’t sometimes. I hate it that I am so sensitive. There are people out there who are mean just to be mean and it irks me to no end.

Sometimes I wonder if my sensitive nature is something that needs medical attention. Sometimes I will start crying for no reason. One time I was watching Joe play with his toys and tears spilled over because I was just so in awe of how he is growing up so fast and the pure innocence in his eyes and smile. I have struggled with depression before and one of the obvious symptoms of depression is persistent sadness. However, the sadness I feel doesn’t feel “clinical.” I just think that I am a melancholic, wistful person. It’s how God made me.

Oh how I wish I weren’t such a sensitive person. I wish I could be one of those people who are perpetually in a good mood. I wish I could be a positive, optimistic person. I want to be one of those people who are bursting with happiness; a person who is a joy to be around. I know that people like this have their down days, but they cope with it much better than I do. I try not to be an Eeyore. I try to be as positive as I can. But there are days that I just shut down. I can’t snap out of my funk, and usually it is quite obvious to others.

I feel so silly and foolish being so emotional and sensitive. I hate getting so easily upset. I try so hard to reason with myself that usually the things that make me sad, angry or worried are not that big of a deal. They shouldn’t agitate me. I wish my intellect would win over my emotions, but most of the time it does not.

I am no saint. I struggle to embrace this cross. I want it to be different. I want to be different. But God does things for a reason and sometimes I feel like he makes personalities like mine because we need compassionate people. Again, I am no saint. I am a very selfish person. I can be mean and hurtful. However there are times I want to make a really mean, snarky comment on someone’s facebook status, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. If I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all. (Thanks for that, Mom!) There might be a time I want to make fun of liturgical dancing with bongo drums or a priest’s tie-dyed cassock, but I wonder if someone who is interested in joining the Catholic Church will hear or see my hateful comments and decide not to join because of my hypocrisy.

I avoid writing about controversial topics because I don’t want to make anyone mad. For example, I refrain from posting anything online that says “Abortion is murder.” I fully believe that abortion IS murder and that Roe v Wade should be overturned. However, I know there are women out there who are deeply hurting from their abortions and are full of regret. I don’t believe throwing the word murder around will help them to repent and start to heal. I know that the truth is sometimes hard to hear and that controversial topics need to be addressed. I just believe that people’s feelings need to be taken into consideration sometimes.

Being a sensitive person has helped me to help others. I can usually always tell if something is wrong with someone. Sometimes I am freakishly in-tune with how someone is feeling. That helps me to better communicate with them and sometimes I am able to give them comfort when they need it the most. But believe me, it is not easy to take on someone else’s pain.

I have learned to love others so much more because of my sensitive nature. When the 10th anniversary of 9-11 came around this year and there were all these stories of women who had lost their husbands or children who never got to meet their fathers I often broke down in tears. I even started tearing up in Mass that day when we sang America the Beautiful as our closing hymn. It made me realize just how short life is and to never take anything for granted- including living in the United States. Today, right here in Kansas City, a 10 month old baby girl was taken from her crib while she slept. Someone came in through her bedroom window and took her. I cannot imagine the pain and fear that her mother and father are going through. My heart breaks for them. I realize that when Joe wakes up for the 10th time tonight, in his crib that is in my room, I should be thankful. I know people are sad when they hear this story, but I’ve been thinking about it almost constantly and feel worried and sad.

When I hear of a woman who has had a miscarriage or stillborn, or who is suffering from infertility I cry with them. I know the pain. I know the emptiness and sadness. I know the questions they ask. I always cry when I see the video of the baby who hears his mother’s voice for the first time or the child who runs a race with prosthetic legs.



It makes me so thankful for the advances in technology and look in amazement at the tenderness and brilliance of the human soul. Heck, I even cry at Dancing with the Stars! This all makes me realize that life is precious. Life is a gift. I want to reach out to those who are lonely and grieving. I want to hug those young women who are confused about what to do with their life and who don’t realize their self-worth. I want to hug those men who work hard and get no recognition. I want to pray with those who are hurting.

God gives us gifts. Sometimes I get mad and want to know why God made me such a moody-mooderson. It’s not easy to suffer and feel this way. However, I try my hardest to see the good that can be brought out by my sensitive nature. Hmm… a pessimist who sees the glass half full? I know, I know- I’m strange.