Motherhood and Pride

It has been a very long week.

I've been in a crabby mood, easily annoyed and frustrated all week. Maybe I'm PMS-ing, I don't know.

My babysitting schedule got all out of whack this week and today, a day I don't normally babysit, I had to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn. This all has thrown Joe's schedule off, and when Joe is out of sorts, his mama is out of sorts.

But what really got the bad-mood ball rolling was Monday. I made a dreaded call to his pediatrician about Joe's swallowing problems. I knew what his recommendation would be: send Joe to occupational therapy.

I suppose I should back way up and start at the beginning of Joe's eating troubles.

Joe has always been a champion nurser. He would have nursed all day long if I would have let him. (He still loves to nurse, but that is a different post for a different day.) I am thankful that we had no problems establishing a nursing relationship.

However, with my massive oversupply of milk and Joe's horrible acid reflux, there was a lot, A LOT, of spitting up. We didn't use burp cloths. Those were a joke. We had to use receiving blankets as burp rags, and we had to have one or two on us at all times because he was prone to spitting up and/or projectile vomiting. It was messy and gross. It got so bad he was getting miserable so when he was about a month old he was put on Zantac to control the reflux. We took him off those meds around 6 months because he wasn't spitting up and since he was sitting upright I figured the problem was gone.

I was wrong.

At around 8 months he was starting to spit up again (not as much as when he was younger) and I could tell he was miserable once again, so his doctor put him back on the Zantac. Things got better in that department and we stopped giving it to him when he was 11 months old.

I wondered how his acid reflux would figure in to giving him solids. When he was 4 months old the doctor gave the go-ahead to start rice cereal. I was so excited for this new step in Joe's life. Well, Joe wasn't too thrilled because after a few bites he'd stop eating. I knew this was relatively normal, but I tried everyday and he wasn't diggin' it. I tried different kinds of cereal- oatmeal, barley and mixed grains. I tried different consistencies and mixing it with both breast milk and water. He just wasn't liking it. I wasn't going to push it, so I waited until he was 6 months to re-introduce the cereal.

6 months came around and I tried the cereal again. He still didn't like it. I tried for a week or so then gave up. I decided to go ahead and give him level 1 sweet potatoes and he loved them! He wouldn't eat the whole 2.5 oz, but I could tell he enjoyed them much more than the cereal. Maybe he just wasn't a cereal-eating kind of guy.

I figured he would cruise right along to the thicker level 2 baby foods in no time. After all, according the suggested guidelines on the baby food jar he should be ready for them. He was sitting independently and had no problem getting the food down. But he would barely finish a whole container of the level 1 so I didn't bother giving him the level 2 that had one more ounce in it.

I didn't really try giving him any real solid foods since he didn't seem interested in the pureed food. I tried giving him puffs and yogurt melts but he barely even touched them. Again, I didn't push anything. I mentioned it to Joe's doctor and he wasn't concerned.

Finally one day when Joe was about 9 months old he started eating level 2 baby food and gobbled it all up. He was getting to the point of putting the puffs and yogurt melts into his mouth but he'd push them out of his mouth with his tongue or take them out with his hands.

Then came the Baby Mum-Mum's and level 3 baby food. With that came the vomiting. He had no problem putting the Mum-Mum's up to his mouth and biting and chewing, but once he swallowed he would gag then vomit. It was extremely nerve wracking because I always thought he was choking. I tried giving him level 3 baby food which has more in it and also has tiny bits of food. We gave him spaghetti which has iddy biddy tiny pieces of noodle and he could not handle that and there was even more vomiting. Joe just now got the hang of level 3 in the last month and a half.

So for the last few months I would give him 3 jars of baby food a day and before each jar I would offer him Cheerios or puffs or yogurt melts or pretty much anything that was safe for him to eat. He can pick them up, put them in his mouth and chew them. Most of the time he pushes them out with his tongue. Sometimes he swallows them like a champ and I think he's getting the hang of the whole swallowing thing. But then there are those times that his eyes start to water, his mouth opens into an O-shape and the gagging starts. I pat his back, I do the finger sweep and then a few seconds later out comes everything I just fed him. And now that he is drinking milk the smell is AWFUL! He has no problem swallowing pureed foods like mashed potatoes and he loves jell-0.

It's always been kind of drag. I'm paranoid he will choke. I see all these cute pictures on facebook of babies Joe's age gobbling up spaghetti or corn on the cob. I was worried that we'd have to puree his first birthday cake, but he had no problems with that. In fact some of the only things he can swallow with ease are large cookies and sweets. But I didn't worry too much about it. It's a bummer, but I figured that he'd grow out of it.

I mentioned my concerns to his doctor again at Joe's one year check up and the doctor was only slightly concerned. He thought maybe Joe has a hyper-sensitive gag-reflex, which could be the case since he pushes food out of his mouth with his tongue. However, there are times I give Joe his baby spoon to play with and he jams it way back there in his mouth and other times I give him his toothbrush to chew on and it also goes way back there and he doesn't gag then. The doctor said not to worry too much and wait a few months and if it doesn't get better then he would send him to an occupational therapist who would work with Joe's swallowing technique.

I wasn't ever really too worried until these last few weeks. Joe is vomiting more and more. He's throwing up food he used to eat with ease. He even once threw up while he was sleeping. He wasn't sick. Maybe a piece of food was caught on the side of his mouth and he gagged on it, but that scared the crap out of me. What if he would have choked on his own vomit? He never cried and we even had the baby monitor on and I didn't hear anything.

All of this throwing up has gotten to the point where I am beyond concerned. Plus, I can tell that baby food is no longer cutting it with Joe. I can tell he is hungry for more. He looks at our food at lunch and dinner and reaches for it and cries in anger when we don't give him a taste. We've tried, and he throws it all up. My mommy gut told me that it was time to call the doctor.

Monday morning I made the call. I explained to the nurse what was going on and she said she would consult the doctor to see what he thought was best. I waited all day for the phone call. Later that afternoon she finally called back with the news I was expecting- Joe was being referred to an occupational therapist.

When I hung up the phone I went upstairs and cried. It had been a rough day with both the girl I was babysitting and Joe, so I was tired and cranky already. I was emotional.

I wasn't sure why I was so upset. I knew this was going to be the outcome. I should be happy that the solution to Joe's problem was simple. I should be thankful that other than this little problem that Joe is perfectly healthy. He is growing and still gets nutrients from baby food and breast milk and whole milk. It could be so much worse. I could be sending him to have major surgery or for chemo for a childhood cancer. Occupational therapy isn't a big deal. His swallowing problem isn't that big of a problem because he is still thriving and a very happy little boy. I shouldn't be so selfish.

It took me a few days to figure out why I was so bothered by this. I finally came to the conclusion today. I am so upset because I feel I should be able to fix this problem on my own. I'm Joe's mommy. I should be able to fix this problem. I want to be the one to help him overcome his challenges. Letting go of the reigns and allowing someone else to step in and help Joe out makes me feel like a craptastic mother.

I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried harder with him at a younger age to get him to eat cereal and solids. Maybe I waited too long and that's why his swallowing muscles don't work properly. Maybe I shouldn't have nursed him as much as I did. If he was so happy with mama's milk perhaps that is why he wasn't interested in something more. Maybe I shouldn't be nursing him now. My fears of screwing up my son are coming to light in the fact that he can't swallow very well. What if it is all my fault?

I know this is a control issue. I'm relatively sure that Joe's challenge isn't because of something I did. I need to step back a little and realize that I am not Joe's one and only guardian and protector. There will be times that his daddy or grandparents will be able to solve one of Joe's problems better than I could. Someday a teacher will help him in an area where I cannot. A coach will help him perfect a certain athletic skill that I can't perform. A priest will be able to give him the kind of spiritual guidance that I am not capable of. A doctor will be able to heal him in ways that I am not trained to do. The same goes for an occupational therapist whose vocation in life is to help children with problems like this.

I am full of too much pride. I need to stop thinking that I am the ultimate super-mom that can take care of everything. It's hard to detach myself from Joe. We've been together since day one and we have a very deep bond. I've never spent a night away from him. So, it will be hard for me to see someone else working with him to overcome an obstacle. I need to be thankful that this isn't a serious medical issue and that there are people available to help him with this swallowing problem. I need to remember to stop thinking about myself and my ego and do whatever I can to help Joe, even if that means stepping aside and realizing that I am not all-powerful and perfect.

I'm sure someday I will look back and remember how silly I was to be so upset about this situation. But it is just hard for me to shake off these feelings because I love Joe so much and want to be the best mother possible for him.

My emotions ARE all over the place. Yeah, it really must be PMS. :-)