My Spiritual Struggles

One of the reasons I started my blog was to write about my spiritual journey and struggles. I wrote the note below as a note on Facebook last February.

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As most of you know, I have a brother who is 13 years older than me named Jamie. He's a goof, has terrorized me in the past, is VERY sarcastic but has been THE father figure in my life. I had no father to care for me as a child, so during the times my mom was busy working to support two children by herself, it was my brother who stepped up to the plate, sacrificed some of the fun things teenagers get to do and babysit me. I owe a lot to him, and that is why he is walking me down the aisle at my wedding in April.

Better yet, my brother is a devout Catholic Christian who strongly defends his faith, but has a fun time doing it at the same time. I have looked at his MySpace blog and his numerous blog postings about the Catholic faith and what it is like to be a Christian in today's society. I'm so lucky to have a brother like him who I can discuss religion with. A part of me is sad that Ryan and I won't be moving to north Kansas City like we were originally planning to. I was looking forward to being a part of his church and seeing him, Abby and their kids more often.

So that's my brother...he blogs...A LOT about the faith. These blogs are for anyone to see (as far as I know) and he's not scared to post them for anyone to argue, comment or agree. His sister, me, who is a theology major at a very orthodox Catholic college, is nothing like that. And that's what this note is about.

To put it out there: I really stink at apologetics (apologetics is defending and/or explaining the faith.) Why is that? Because I'm a coward and very sensitive.

I'm a coward because I am afraid of what people will think of me. Let's face it, being a Christian-- Protestant or Catholic -- is NOT very easy in our very secular-humanist culture. Being a Catholic is harder because sometimes it feels we have the whole world against us. If a friend asked me about something pertaining to being Catholic (Why do you have to go to confession? I don't need Mass- why should I go?) I can answer because they came to me. But me going out to someone to preach??? Too scary- I don't want to push my religion. I don't want to lose a friend. I don't want people to think I am weird. I think back to the martyrs. They died because of their faith. I ask myself how can I strive to be like them if I can't even tell someone how important going to Mass is?

I am so sensitive. I cry at the Olympics and Oscars. I can't watch those commercials about abused pets or orhpaned children in Africa because my heart can't take it. Being sensitive has gotten in the way of defending and explaining my faith. My brother introduced to me the phrase "Catholic Taliban." Those are the very hardcore Catholics that seem more interested in flouting how much they know about the faith than actually saving souls. I've seen too many people driven away from the faith, and Christianity in general because of these people. I do not want to be like this. I don't want to have a Pharisee-mentality. Being so sensitive makes my emotions go hay-wire. I get so angry when someone dismisses Christ or a teaching when they don't even bother to learn about it. They say to preach with love...well I fear my temper will get in the way! That seems kind of like a contradiction- being a coward with a bad temper. But that's how I am.

Then I get intimidated by some of the awesome students that sit with me in my senior seminar. They have AMAZING insights. They can list off verses from the Bible with ease. (A Catholic knowing their Bible???...shocking I know!) Participation in discussion is a part of my grade but I'm too chicken to speak up. Half of the time I can't even think of anything interesting. I hope I can some day be as brilliant as some of the people in my class.

The crazy thing about all this-- I would love to write a book about the Catholic religion. Something funny, interesting and devout. How can I do that if I have no confidence?

So I'm sure barely anyone will read this (I do get rather long-winded.) However, I am going to build little baby steps to posting on here more often. Explaining the faith, describing my spiritual journey and defending my beliefs as a Catholic. I want to be like my big brother. I want to see Jesus and him to say to me at my life's end, "Well done, good and faithful servant..." Matthew 25: 21 (No I didn't know that by heart...I had to go to biblegateway.com!)