Bad Night

Some days are better than others. Isn't that true for all of us? Well it is 3:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. Tonight has been a bad night. I've received some bad news that doesn't directly affect me, yet I'm taking it hard. I've read some silly inside joke on facebook that doesn't have to do with me, yet I still take offense to it. WHY? There's lot of reasons...

To generalize, I will use a quote from Rachel Green from the TV show Friends:

"There's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me."

Before I go on about what is depressing me tonight (which I probably won't get to) and before I go on with posting to my blog I guess I should just put it out there that some people may think I share too much information with the world.

I'm not sure why I had to give a speech at my high school graduation....but I did. I thought long and hard about what to say, and I didn't want to give the usual hokey speech. I decided to put myself out there and talk about my struggles with depression and all the junk that goes with it. I talked about how I overcame my struggles and I correlated my experience with how we can overcome the struggles in our own life after we leave our safe little town and go into the Real World. I ran my speech by our principal who thought it was a little "too much." Not appropriate for a high school graduation. But thankfully one of my class sponsors thought it would be fine to speak about and encouraged me to deliver the speech. So I did. Perhaps some people thought it was inappropriate, but after graduation was all over and the festivities were done, I had two people come up to me thanking me for the speech since they had gone through the same thing. For the first time they didn't feel alone regarding their depression. If these were the only 2 people that appreciated my honesty and the rest of the crowd hated the speech, I am 110% glad I gave it.

Why did I get so personal? To have people feel sorry for me? To gain attention? NO, I did it because I wanted to give words of encouragement, of hope, words of how family and friends and the people around you can shape and literally save your life. The best way to get this message across was to relate my own experience.

Lately I have had another heartbreaking experience. I had a miscarriage. Worst pain of my entire life. I shared this information on facebook. I know quite a few people were quite upset by this. I see their point. But I'm so glad I did, because a number of girls personally messaged me saying they had gone through the same thing. I felt so alone before since I knew no one my age who had gone though this terrible ordeal. They gave me comfort, hope and advice. The rest of my friends and family graciously let Ryan and I know that we were in their thoughts and prayers....which is what we were needing.

I will say it again: Why did I get so personal? To have people feel sorry for me? To gain attention? NO, I did it in a frenzy of despair and sadness, and Ryan and I knew that our good news had slowly leaked to others that we hadn't planned on telling for awhile. I could not have been able to handle it if someone came up to me saying, "So how are you doing? How's the baby growing?"

Someday I will post about my miscarriage. Someday I'll post about how my day was so crappy that I pigged out on a whole bag of those miniature Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. Someday I'll post about how I can't stop crying.

So please, bare with me. Please don't think I'm an attention-whore. This is how I express myself. I wish I could be like those who take their struggles silently and privately. You have NO idea.

Even though I haven't really discussed the things that have upset me tonight I wanted to write this as my WARNING BLOG. There will probably be blogs where I will probably get personal, sappy and full of emotion. Not everyday.

But some days are better than others.