My Spiritual Growth Spurt Part III

The early part of 2004 was pretty uneventful for the most part. I was living with my mom and working the evening shift as maintenance and housekeeping at a nearby hospital.

My boyfriend had quit college soon after I did and worked at a factory. I tried to spend as much time as I could with him. We were pretty serious, talking occasionally of marriage, but I think perhaps I was more serious about our future than he was. I dreamt of getting married, starting a family and living a happy little life and I depended on him to provide that for me. As soon as he started drifting away from our future plans even just a little bit I would despair. I became so attached to him that I started to equate life apart from him as a life full of pain and unhappiness.

I look back on my journal when I dated him and am appalled at my attachment to him- it was completely unhealthy. He never once physically hurt me, but emotionally, well, this relationship was not a good one. My life consisted of work and being with him. I prayed to God fervently that our romance would last forever. The relationship was increasingly getting worse.

While I was working away at the hospital I had a yearning to go back to college. I automatically decided to go to Northwest in Maryville, even though just a year earlier I had vowed never to go there. However, my mom informed me that she and my uncle had signed me up to take a campus visit at some college I had never heard of- Benedictine College. It was in a town I had never heard of- Atchison, Kansas. I did NOT want to go, but grudgingly decided to go to humor my uncle and appease my mother.

We went during the college's spring break, so there were barely any students on campus. It was a tiny campus nestled beside the Missouri River. I remember the tour guide taking us to the river over-look and stated that many people found their spouses while attending this college. I felt an excitement in my soul, but it was odd, because I briefly pictured myself going to this college and finding my soul mate- and it wasn't my boyfriend at the time. (Little did I know that picture would someday come true!)

I was shocked at myself because I ended up falling in love with the quaint little campus. I really felt a pull to apply there, but it was too small for me and too Catholic. Instead of praying to God for guidance on which college to go to, I relied on myself to make the choice. Even though I enjoyed my visit to Benedictine, it was too far away from my boyfriend and friends. Northwest was my choice.

Soon after this visit I was happy to learn my boyfriend was planning on moving to Maryville with some friends. However that happiness was short lived when he broke up with me in May. I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. I honestly thought my life was over.

I spent the rest of that summer working at the hospital, taking a summer class and desperately trying to get my ex-boyfriend back. I took great measures to seem aloof and that I had "moved on" and didn't need him. I would go to parties at his house and flirt with other guys and pretend to have a great time drinking and dancing. Again, I started bargaining with God to bring him back to me. It wasn't working and slowly I drifted away from trying to win him back. I focused on living my life and having fun.

When the fall semester started I worked part time at Wal Mart and lived in a big, albeit crappy house with my cousin, my best friend and a great friend I had known since before kindergarten. My best friend was going to nursing school and was rarely seen since she was a good student and actually did her homework and studied.

The rest of us, however, hit up the party scene right away. We were young, single and looking to have a good, wild time. We spent hours getting ourselves ready to go party and when we entered a room we made sure people paid notice to us.

Unfortunately, my partying (and maybe Sims 2) got in the way of me going to class. I preferred to sleep in and nurse my hangovers. Again I got into the same cycle as I did at CMSU: not going to class and getting far behind. I wouldn't show up for tests or midterms, or even finals and I really didn't care. I was having too much fun with my roomies. My cousin and I would blare Beatles music and sing at the top of our lungs. My other friend and I would dance to techno music and laugh hysterically. My best friend and I would watch our favorite TV shows religiously.

Oddly enough during this time I prayed a lot. I slept with a rosary under my pillow. I only went to Mass once, and that was when my mom took me. It wasn't much, but my relationship with God was much more substantial than it had been earlier.

Then my ex boyfriend that I had tried so hard to win back came creeping back into my life. He sent me dozens of roses and stuffed animals. I could have easily been lured back in, but God put someone special into my life...

He and I both worked at Wal-Mart and got to know each other at a party. He was sweet and kind and treated me with the up most respect. Being his girl made me realize that my former relationship was indeed a disastrous one. I got to know his friends and we all had a lot of fun together. I finally felt I was in a stable and healthy relationship, and for the first time I felt I could be in a romance and still be myself and independent.

I was falling head over heels for this boy. But I wasn't scared; I welcomed what the future held for us. When I decided not to return to Northwest for the spring semester and work full time at Wal-Mart he supported me. (At this point, nothing I did really shocked my mother anymore.)

We only dated a couple of months, but when he broke things off a couple days before Christmas I was severely heartbroken. This was a different kind of pain than before. I know it seems silly that I was so upset, but I just didn't understand what was wrong with me. Why didn't anyone want to be with me? Did I naturally repel men?

Once again I had a sad Christmas, but I decided for the upcoming year not to depend on God or anyone else, especially a guy, to make me happy. I could only count on myself. I didn't care about morals, my reputation- anything. I turned my back on God, almost to the point where I stopped believing in Him. It wasn't the fault of any of my ex boyfriends, my experiences at CMSU, or anything else. I was just tired of waiting around for God to give me a sign.

The next few months were a drunken blur. I partied hard almost every night of the week and frequently came to work hungover. My partying ways at CMSU and the previous summer were tame compared to what I was doing. Even though I had sworn off men, I stumbled from guy to guy hoping they'd save me from myself and take care of me only to suffer heart ache after heart ache.

I had a "I don't give a crap" attitude for so long that I became emotionally numb. I didn't care that I was hurting my body. I didn't care that I was hurting my soul. I didn't care that I was destroying my future.

I started dating another guy and while I was with him I actually toned down my wild ways. I was still utterly unhappy. I really, really hated my life. I didn't get a promotion at Wal-Mart like my manager said would happen. My boyfriend and I fought constantly. The lease was up at our house and my friends and I were moving to different places. I was going to miss them terribly.

That summer I moved in with an amazing girl I knew from working at Wal Mart. I know God sent her into my life for a reason. She was in a loving, committed relationship, drank occasionally and was a well-rounded, fun-loving person. She knew I was unhappy in my relationship, never judged, but let me know that I deserved better. She had quit college the same time I did and was planning on going to school to become an X-ray tech. She had a good plan for the future.

I realized I needed a plan too. I was just stumbling around waiting for something good to happen in my life. But how could something good happen when I was doing so many bad things? Nothing was going good for me in Maryville. I was stuck in a rut. I realized I needed to get away. Not run away from my problems like I had with CMSU, but get a fresh start.

I needed to move to a place where I knew nobody. Far enough away from home but close enough to come back often. I thought about St. Joseph, even Kansas City.

Even though I had shut God out of my life, His love is so infinite and He hadn't given up on me. I am confident that it was under His inspiration that I decided to move to Atchison, KS. It must have been a good thing, because when I told my mom she was actually happy with my decision!

All my friends, especially my wonderful roomie were very supportive of me. My boyfriend on the other hand was not too happy. Our relationship fizzled out. That summer was filled with making plans to transfer to Atchison's Wal-Mart, finding a cheap apartment and preparing for a new life on my own.

Things were finally looking up. But there was still one more little hurdle I needed to cross before I fully embraced my faith.


Only one more part to go....I promise!