This last weekend was my sister in law’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and happy celebration and I had a good time, but for the first time since Joe was born I felt limited by being a mother.
I was having a very good time at the rehearsal dinner. A lot of Ryan’s family that I hadn’t seen in awhile was there and I was enjoying some adult time. But before I knew it we had to go home because it was Joe’s bedtime.
The next night was the wedding and reception. By the time the wedding was over it was Joe’s bedtime but we still went to the reception for a little bit. I eyed the bar and wanted so badly to have a mixed drink or two but knew I couldn’t because I am still nursing and hadn’t had time to pump some extra non-liquor-laced boob juice. Besides, I would be too paranoid to get even the slightest “buzz” because I co-sleep and co-sleeping after drinking can be very dangerous.
I eyed the dance floor. I wanted to shake my groove thang, but Joe was getting fussy and the only place he wanted to be was in his mama’s arms. No bustin’ a move for me.
When I got home that night and Joe fell asleep I felt jealous of those that were still at the reception. Such freedom they had! They could eat, drink and be merry all night long! They could stay up late into the night and have fun! No kids to keep them tied down- they could do whatever they wanted and go wherever they wanted! UGH… I felt like I was left out of the fun. I haven’t had fun like that in a very long time.
My thoughts centered on this upcoming weekend. My high school has its alumni celebrations each year on Memorial Day weekend. Lots of drinking and carousing are involved. No, I do not miss the drunkenness that I once took part of, but I love seeing old friends and catching up. I was close to a lot of people in this year’s 10 year class and I would love to see my old classmates as well. I am a social butterfly by nature, so knowing that I won’t be able to participate this year made me really bummed out. Again, all these people would be having fun and socializing and I’d be stuck at home. It then occurred to me that this is how it’s going to be for awhile. Stuck with no place to go.
Now I do realize I could have gotten a babysitter for my sister-in-law’s wedding and other occasions. However, Joe is not an easy baby when it comes to going to sleep for the night. He has been fighting it like crazy. He still wakes up numerous times throughout the night to nurse. I just don’t feel right having someone else watch him when he is so difficult. Plus, I’d still be thinking about him and worried that the babysitter would be clawing out their own eyes because Joe JUST WON’T GO TO SLEEP!!!
All this thinking made me really discouraged. Maybe it’s hormones, but I just could not shake the feeling of being trapped in motherhood. I knew long before Joe was born that I would have to make sacrifices, but when it comes to actually doing so, my selfishness and pride are a huge obstacle.
I’ve been thinking about being a mother a lot lately. I’m a completely changed person because I have to give all of myself to my child. It’s a different kind of giving than to my husband. Sure I make sacrifices for my husband, but they aren’t as life-consuming. I’ll give up watching a TV show so he can play video games. I’ll cook a meal he wants to instead of one I was craving. There are a hundred things I can think of that I sacrifice for him, but I can also think of a hundred different things he sacrifices for me. With Joe it is different. I sacrifice my time, my energy, my body, my social life… and he doesn’t really do anything in return. I know that sounds horrible. I’m not saying I do all these nice things for my husband just so I can get something else in return, but it’s just different.
Motherhood is a dying to self. That sounds kind of depressing and dark. It sounds like I’m painting a bad picture of motherhood. Motherhood isn’t a bag of sugar-coated rainbows. It’s tough.
But you want to know something? Freedom to do what you want is good, but loving someone else unconditionally is so much better. It is freeing to know that it isn’t all about me anymore. Looking inwards to myself all the time gets a little depressing and boring.
The love for my husband is so great and it has spilled over into a brand new soul- a new life on this earth. We participated in one of God’s greatest gifts- the ability to create a new person. My heart, my soul is overjoyed when I look into the eyes of my son. When he reaches out to me my heart swells. When he is hurt, I hurt. When he is frustrated I feel his pain. When I am away from him for a long period of time my heart aches to be with him.
So would I stop nursing just so I could have an alcoholic beverage now and then? No.
Is there anything I wish I would have done before Joe was born? Nope.
Would I change anything about how I mother Joe so I could have all the things I want? No way.
I do realize that it IS important to have some “me” time to recharge my batteries. It is important to take care of yourself. I’m just trying to figure that part out. Right now my 10 minute drives to Target by myself are my little getaways.
So am I sad that I had to miss out on seeing the movie Thor with my husband and brother in law? I was- that feeling lasted about 5 hours (remember people, I’m a selfish little lady!) But the love, laughter, and joy I get from my child lasts forever.
9 comments:
Loved this post.
Very good description of motherhood... but while trips to Target are your me time, you should have an occasional "big outing" with a sitter involved! Its good for you (& your husband)... and he might fight you for sleep, but maybe he'll do fine with a sitter? We had my SIL watch our son, who has also been fighting sleep, and she got him to sleep with no problem. I'll admit it frustrated me a bit [to know someone else could get my son to sleep and I couldn't], but I was glad he was getting a good night sleep!
Wonderful post, but you are also right to take time to charge your batteries ~ if Joe is still very attached to you and Ryan ~ trade off, he goes to the movies tonight & you go to your reunion or whatever you would like another night.
Yes, learning through experience the dying to self motherhood takes can sometimes be hard. I remember when my oldest was 6 weeks old and I sat on the couch and cried. I love her so much...but I was mourning the loss of my ability to get-up-and-go and do whatever I wanted....but after I had that cry, I was (more or less) fine. I still have my moments...and of course, with each additional child, I spend parts of the pregnancy preparing myself for the fact that I'm about to die-to-myself all over again and how worth it the process is.
BTW - I missed out on a big family wedding this past weekend and it really hit me hard. But we couldn't travel to VA with me only 6 weeks from my due date. But MAN-OH-MAN have I been just so sad that I missed out!!!
Hang in there. YOu're a great mom to Joe!
Oh, I could have so written this post a year ago! I just wanted to say that it does get so much easier and better as your baby gets older. Today I left my almost two year old with my mom for a couple of hours without even having to think twice about it; she can now go 4 or 5 hours if need be without wanting to nurse, and she's much happier with other caregivers than she was during the first year and a half of her life. But there was definitely a long stretch when I felt so tied down by her needs (and by my own desire to meet those needs - recognizing that most of what I wanted was just that, wants, and that she really did *need* me). I think it just helps to know that it isn't forever, this time of their life is so very short in the grand scheme. I still sometimes feel tied down because I still need to be there to put her down for naps and bedtime, and I still can't be gone *too* long (case in point - I'm probably going to miss a friend's baby shower, because the combination of the drive time and shower time would mean being gone for a good six hours, I can't really bring my daughter and subject her to that sort of a car plus disruption of schedule/lack of nap, but I also can't in good conscience be gone from her for that long). But over time it has gone from near constant reminders that I'm "tied down," to only once in a great while feeling that pinch, because the majority of the time, I've either adapted and don't want the things I can't have (or want what I already have more), or those freedoms have finally returned to my life.
Anyway :) It gets better - but yes, it does forever change you, at the same time. But you're right - it is a dying to self, and it makes you really think about needs vs wants, etc. It's also convenient that God built in hormones that make it only a *little* bit hard to say "yes" to the baby's needs, rather than as hard as it would be if it was some stranger on the street (or even, frankly, our husbands!) asking us to leave a party early, or get up countless times in the middle of the night, or in my case, this evening, cleaning up after being puked on :P On the upside though - you appreciate the freedoms SO much more after being restricted for a while with a baby. I can't believe how good it feels to just be able to sit outside with a book this summer, while my daughter runs around the yard *playing mostly by herself*!
Your title says it all. We are learning much like you are... we are at 16mos.
there is a holiness to the sacrifice of parenthood. It is also good for the soul.
Glad to see the struggles and the understanding.
Oh Maggie, you look so Beautiful holding Joe!
Have you ever seen the show, How I Met Your Mother?
In it, they dub party girls "Woot" girls--and theorize that everyone who is out there saying "Woot" is actually saying "my life is empty!!!" It a funny concept. :)
Oh, this is so good Maggie. Wonderful reflection!
Yes, being a mother is no picnic sometimes! BUt it's awesome :)
Re: the drinking while nursing. I'm not saying to get drunk and then nurse your baby, but I will say that with all four of my breastfed babies, if I wanted a drink, I would feed them, have a drink, and then by the time they needed to eat again, it was 2 to 3 hours later. Just make sure to drink water too because alcohol dehydrates you and lessens your milk supply. But enjoy a drink for me because I'm pregnant!!
Post a Comment