What in the Boob Are You Doing?!

My nursing relationship with Joe is still going strong. He's about a week shy of 9 months and we haven't had any problems. He'd still rather nurse than eat solids. I have to coax him to eat baby food and he is not interested in table food whatsoever. That's fine by me; I know he'll get it eventually.

Lately, the one thing that has changed is the way he nurses. Now that he has gotten more observant of the world around him he likes to nibble, look around, nibble some more, etc. When someone enters the room and says anything he stops and looks at them. If it's Daddy he'll usually stop nursing and want to play with him. I have to nurse him in a quiet room with relatively no distractions. The best place is in bed.

Oh yeah, and the biting.*Shudders*... Oy, the biting....

But the past few days he's done something even more different. He won't lay in my arms like a sweet peaceful baby and nurse. He sits up and nurses! I'll be laying on my side nursing him and he'll get up from his laying down position and sit and lean toward me and nurse! Once when I was sitting on the couch nursing he sat up on my lap facing me and reached toward me and nursed that way! He constantly wants to be on the go-go-go, so I understand why he wants to nurse in this strange new manner. I think it's funny, but weird!

Anybody else have their babies start nursing in strange positions or is it just my child? This isn't a sign he wants to wean is it?

Motherhood is a Dying to Self

This last weekend was my sister in law’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and happy celebration and I had a good time, but for the first time since Joe was born I felt limited by being a mother.

I was having a very good time at the rehearsal dinner. A lot of Ryan’s family that I hadn’t seen in awhile was there and I was enjoying some adult time. But before I knew it we had to go home because it was Joe’s bedtime.

The next night was the wedding and reception. By the time the wedding was over it was Joe’s bedtime but we still went to the reception for a little bit. I eyed the bar and wanted so badly to have a mixed drink or two but knew I couldn’t because I am still nursing and hadn’t had time to pump some extra non-liquor-laced boob juice. Besides, I would be too paranoid to get even the slightest “buzz” because I co-sleep and co-sleeping after drinking can be very dangerous.

I eyed the dance floor. I wanted to shake my groove thang, but Joe was getting fussy and the only place he wanted to be was in his mama’s arms. No bustin’ a move for me.

When I got home that night and Joe fell asleep I felt jealous of those that were still at the reception. Such freedom they had! They could eat, drink and be merry all night long! They could stay up late into the night and have fun! No kids to keep them tied down- they could do whatever they wanted and go wherever they wanted! UGH… I felt like I was left out of the fun. I haven’t had fun like that in a very long time.

My thoughts centered on this upcoming weekend. My high school has its alumni celebrations each year on Memorial Day weekend. Lots of drinking and carousing are involved. No, I do not miss the drunkenness that I once took part of, but I love seeing old friends and catching up. I was close to a lot of people in this year’s 10 year class and I would love to see my old classmates as well. I am a social butterfly by nature, so knowing that I won’t be able to participate this year made me really bummed out. Again, all these people would be having fun and socializing and I’d be stuck at home. It then occurred to me that this is how it’s going to be for awhile. Stuck with no place to go.

Now I do realize I could have gotten a babysitter for my sister-in-law’s wedding and other occasions. However, Joe is not an easy baby when it comes to going to sleep for the night. He has been fighting it like crazy. He still wakes up numerous times throughout the night to nurse. I just don’t feel right having someone else watch him when he is so difficult. Plus, I’d still be thinking about him and worried that the babysitter would be clawing out their own eyes because Joe JUST WON’T GO TO SLEEP!!!

All this thinking made me really discouraged. Maybe it’s hormones, but I just could not shake the feeling of being trapped in motherhood. I knew long before Joe was born that I would have to make sacrifices, but when it comes to actually doing so, my selfishness and pride are a huge obstacle.

I’ve been thinking about being a mother a lot lately. I’m a completely changed person because I have to give all of myself to my child. It’s a different kind of giving than to my husband. Sure I make sacrifices for my husband, but they aren’t as life-consuming. I’ll give up watching a TV show so he can play video games. I’ll cook a meal he wants to instead of one I was craving. There are a hundred things I can think of that I sacrifice for him, but I can also think of a hundred different things he sacrifices for me. With Joe it is different. I sacrifice my time, my energy, my body, my social life… and he doesn’t really do anything in return. I know that sounds horrible. I’m not saying I do all these nice things for my husband just so I can get something else in return, but it’s just different.

Motherhood is a dying to self. That sounds kind of depressing and dark. It sounds like I’m painting a bad picture of motherhood. Motherhood isn’t a bag of sugar-coated rainbows. It’s tough.

But you want to know something? Freedom to do what you want is good, but loving someone else unconditionally is so much better. It is freeing to know that it isn’t all about me anymore. Looking inwards to myself all the time gets a little depressing and boring.

The love for my husband is so great and it has spilled over into a brand new soul- a new life on this earth. We participated in one of God’s greatest gifts- the ability to create a new person. My heart, my soul is overjoyed when I look into the eyes of my son. When he reaches out to me my heart swells. When he is hurt, I hurt. When he is frustrated I feel his pain. When I am away from him for a long period of time my heart aches to be with him.

So would I stop nursing just so I could have an alcoholic beverage now and then? No.
Is there anything I wish I would have done before Joe was born? Nope.
Would I change anything about how I mother Joe so I could have all the things I want? No way.

I do realize that it IS important to have some “me” time to recharge my batteries. It is important to take care of yourself. I’m just trying to figure that part out. Right now my 10 minute drives to Target by myself are my little getaways.

So am I sad that I had to miss out on seeing the movie Thor with my husband and brother in law? I was- that feeling lasted about 5 hours (remember people, I’m a selfish little lady!) But the love, laughter, and joy I get from my child lasts forever.

Help for Joplin

There are so many ways you can help the victims of the Joplin tornado. Here is one of them: Visit Bigger Picture Blogs and join in the Help for Joplin Auction. If you can, please participate or at least spread the word that this event is going on.

Uncle Alan and Aunt Joy are doing well. They are beyond thankful for all the help they have received. When they are at the remains of their house there are people constantly going by asking if they need water, food, chainsaws, shovels, pretty much anything they need.

There are still plenty of others that need help, so please, visit Bigger Picture blogs to see what you can do!

Some Updates

This has been a crazy few weeks. That's why things have been quiet around here and I haven't been commenting a lot on other's posts.

My sister-in-law got married this past Friday and since we are living with the in-laws we've basically been living in wedding headquarters. We all put in a lot of hard work and the celebration turned out perfectly!

My Uncle Alan and Aunt Joy are still trying to figure out what to do with their lives since their home was destroyed by a tornado in Joplin. Right now I hear there is another tornado warning being issued for Joplin. Thankfully my Uncle and Aunt are safe, but I just can't imagine how those who are in shelters must be feeling right now.

Some more sad news... my cousin, Dawn, passed away this morning from an infection. Her funeral will be on Tuesday. Please pray for the repose of her soul and for her brothers, sisters, and mother who are deep in mourning at this time.

Hopefully soon I can get back into the blogging mode!

A Little Bit of the End of the World in Joplin, MO

If you are a Facebook friend of mine, you are probably aware that last night was a little nerve wracking for my family and me. My 70-year old Uncle Alan and Aunt Joy, their daughter Barb, and her two sons were caught up in the devastating tornado that ripped through Joplin, MO.

Yesterday afternoon Ryan, Joe and I left to go to my nephew’s graduation party. As we were leaving we caught sight of the news where the town we just moved from, Waverly, was in a tornado warning. We were scared for our friends back there and prayed no one would get hurt and hoped there wasn’t significant damage.

While at the party I had a missed call from my mom and a voicemail. I figured she was just calling to chat so I didn’t bother calling her until we were getting into the car to leave. When she answered her voice was rattled with concern. “You need to turn on The Weather Channel,” she said. I figured Waverly was hit pretty badly, but she informed me that it was Joplin that that been hit. I thought that maybe some trees had been destroyed and some structural damage had occurred, but when mom said, “Alan and Joy are trapped in their house. Their house is gone.” I knew this was much more serious.

My mom had been watching the news when she saw the breaking news announcement that Joplin had been hit by a tornado. She called Alan and miraculously she got through on his cell phone. He had gotten his family into the hallway (they have no basement.) Everyone was OK, but very shaken up. If they had been in their living room they would have been killed. Thankfully my Uncle Steve lives in a town near Joplin and he went right away to try and dig Alan and Joy out.

When we got home from the party I immediately turned on The Weather Channel and what I saw made me sick to my stomach. Total devastation. Cars on top of cars. Whole neighborhoods leveled. Even their hospital had taken a direct hit. The newscaster was visibly shaken and broke down numerous times because he had witnessed firsthand many people with injuries and dead bodies lying around. I was thankful that my family was accounted for, but I wasn’t going to rest easy until I knew my family was out of the house safely.

Thank God for Facebook. My family has a private group on there so we were able to keep each other updated. Our friends also offered their prayers and support.

A couple of hours later we got news from Uncle Steve that everyone was out of the house. My Aunt Joy had back surgery a couple months ago so her mobility is severely limited. It took them awhile to get her out. They are now safe with a roof over their head at my Uncle Steve’s home.

It’s crazy to think that your life can change in the blink of an eye. I thank the Lord that he protected my family and got them to safety. I am keeping the people of Joplin in my prayers as they mourn, search for loved ones and rebuild.

These are pictures my Uncle Steve took of the devastation surrounding my Uncle Alan’s home.

You can see more photos here.

Burst- A Review

You know those days when it seems that you can’t win? Like everything around you is turning into a disaster and there’s no hope in sight? Then you look at someone else’s predicaments and think, “Gee, maybe I don’t have it so bad after all.” That’s what happened when I read Burst: A Story of God’s Grace When Life Falls Apart.

The author, Kevin Wells, deals with one curveball after another (no pun intended- he is a former sports reporter) and faces each one with strength and purpose. He has to deal with serious medical issues, his wife’s infertility, adoption fraud and a murder of a beloved family member just to name some of the challenges he has had to face. Instead of giving up on God and being resentful (which I think many of us have wanted to do a time or two in our lives) he perseveres with steadfast prayer, Eucharistic adoration and devotion to his family.

Wells tells his story with beautiful words. I mean it- his writing is simply beautiful. And the tales he writes of are full of love, warmth and humor. I was immersed in his story and found it difficult to put the book down.

It is a quick read, although it took me awhile to get through it due to a certain little boy I know who likes to party instead of going to sleep at night. And because I had to take a few breaks from the book due to other happenings in my life I felt like the way he told his story was kind of choppy. I got confused sometimes trying to figure out if he was writing about a flashback of the past or something that was happening during the present. But that could just be because I didn’t get to read it consistently.

This is a great book if you need a reminder that God’s grace is always there if you choose to accept it. You can’t just sit back and have a “woe is me” attitude. You have to stay close to God and accept the joys and trials he sends you knowing ultimately that he loves you.

This review was written as part of the Catholic book reviewer program from The Catholic Company. Visit The Catholic Company to find more information on Burst - A Story of God's Grace When Life Falls Apart. They are also a great source for a Catechism of the Catholic Church or a Catholic Bible.

Mr.T Says: Don't be a Fool! Treat Yo Mama Right!

Happy Mother's Day!

I Just Cannot Do It

Do you want to hear about my latest attempt in trying the cry-it-out method (CIO)?

Well here it is:

I quit.

For now, anyways.

I just can’t do it. Even if I wanted to put 100% of my effort into trying CIO my living arrangements make it pretty hard. Joe’s bed is right beside our bed so when he’s screaming bloody murder and looking right at you with a look of, “I see you guys- why aren’t you helping me out?!” it’s just too damn hard. Plus, Ryan’s parents’ room is right underneath ours, and it’s difficult to let Joe CIO when I’m under the stress of worrying about my son AND keeping my in-laws awake.

Last night was bad. Bad bad bad. I tried CIO once again but he cried for about an hour straight. He started coughing and gagging and spitting up. Enough was enough. I brought him to the bed (Ryan and I hadn’t gone to sleep yet) and as I was laying there with him and whispering to my husband my concerns Joe drifted off to sleep. This is where he was happy. Then my husband and I made a decision- since Joe is bigger now and I’m used to not having a lot of room while sleeping anyways, Ryan decided to come back to bed. It’s a family bed now. We’re happy that way.

Joe still wasn’t happy though. He screamed and cried all. night. long. His nose started getting clogged up and he kept arching his back in pain. He wouldn’t take the binky. The only thing that calmed him down was nursing him, which he’d spit back up.

I took him to the pediatrician today where he confirmed my suspicion that Joe’s reflux was flaring up again. He’s getting a cold which irritates the reflux even more. PLUS he has lots of little teeth just ready to pop on out any day now. So my mistake in trying the CIO method was that I didn’t rule out any medical reasons why his sleeping was so messed up. He has a prescription for Zantac which I will give him again and maybe after his pain has subsided we will try a more steadfast approach to getting him to sleep in his crib. (That gives me more time to read up on The No-Cry Sleep Solution and Dr. Sears Baby Sleep book) But for now he will sleep with Ryan and me. Ryan is happy that he doesn’t have to see me sob while our child is screaming all by himself and I am happy that I don’t have to see Ryan get increasingly frustrated that Joe just won’t stop crying.

There is one thing I’ve learned in this process and that is to never judge another mother in her means of parenting her child. When researching the CIO method I saw lots of nasty comments on parenting message boards from both sides. “How can you be so cruel to your child and abandon them when they need you? You are setting them up for major trust disorders.” “How can you be such a push-over and let your child dictate your life? You are setting your child up to be spoiled and dependent.” I know of very dedicated mothers who love their children fiercely that have done the CIO method and others who are just as equally dedicated that have not used CIO. Every baby is different. Every family is different. Every living arrangement is different. We don’t know the going-on’s of other people’s lives. Why make a new mother feel horrible for using CIO when that is all that may work? Why make a new mother feel like she’s destined to have a spoiled rotten child if she chooses NOT to use CIO? I’m not saying any of you are like this, but I’ve seen it elsewhere on the internet. (You ladies are awesome and I can’t thank you enough for your help and support!) The reason I say I won’t judge is because I USED to judge on lots of stuff. When I heard of CIO I just couldn’t believe that parents would do that to their children. The same goes for women who didn’t even attempt to breastfeed. There are many other things that I would judge other women for doing. (Of course this was all before I became a mother myself.) Shame on me for thinking these things. Everyone does the best they can with the situations they are given. I realize that now.

Hopefully Joe’s reflux will calm down so he can have a peaceful night sleep- whether that is in my arms or in his crib. Yes I have to deal with the worry of leaving him in the bed alone, but we might look into bed rails. (Any suggestions?) I’ve heard of making the crib into a side-car sort of thing- might look into that. There is a lot of stuff I’ll have to deal with, for instance, if we ever get pregnant again will I have a sleeping, kicking toddler to deal with while I’m dealing with the discomforts of preggo sleeping? But it’s one thing at a time. One night at a time. Joe is happy, Daddy is happy, and so is Mommy (even though she’s tired as crap today!)

Thanks again for all the encouragement. Y’all are awesome and I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug! Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful women!

Sherlock Mommy: I'm Still Clueless

First of all, I have to say, I love you people. The comments you have left on my recent posts (not just about baby sleep issues, but also about strapless dresses and Bin Laden) have been nothing but charitable and positive. THANK YOU!

Anywho, my recent trials of getting Joe to sleep in his crib are not going well. I told myself long ago that I would never ever in a million years let Joe cry it out. Well lately I've been thinking that perhaps I should relax my stance on that because nothing else is really working. Then I got many comments from mothers who told me that in their experience they've let their babies cry it out. I got these comments from family members and strangers. I got these comments from some of the holiest women I know who I know for a fact take their vocation of motherhood super seriously.

I thought I'd try it out- but it my own way. I told myself that I would not leave Joe alone in his room. I didn't want him to feel totally abandoned. It truly breaks my heart when I see him screaming his head off, but knowing he's screaming his head off, possibly afraid and alone- nope, can't do that. I would only go 5 minutes of letting him cry.

Monday night was the first night. I decided to do a strict bedtime schedule. Starting at 7:00 he gets a bath, followed by a lotion massage, put into his PJ's, nurse and read him a story. I put him in his crib drowsy and turn on his sound machine. Of course as soon as I layed him on the mattress he jumped up and started standing up. He kept crawling around and standing himself up- he was pretty content. I got on my computer and tried hard to ignore his total cuteness. About 20 minutes later he started to cry. OK, I thought, here goes nothing.

From 8:00 to 8:50 he would cry for 5 minutes, I would pick him up and rock and love on him for about 5 minutes, lay him back in the crib where he would stand back up and play before he would cry again. Finally at around 9:00 he settled down to sleep in his crib. I went to bed and Ryan went to sleep in the other room.

Around 11:35 he woke up again. I nursed him and laid him back down with no problems. Not too bad.

Wrong. Between 1:30-4:30 it was pure hell. He would wake up, cry for 5 minutes, I would pick him up and rock him, lay him down and pat his back and stroke his face and he'd drift off to sleep. I'd crawl into my bed (his crib is in our bedroom). 20 minutes later he would cry bloody murder and we'd repeat the process. It was about 4:00 a.m. when I was really really really tempted to bring him into bed with me, but everyone says that you have to be consistent through this process. Around 6:00 Ryan came into the bedroom and Joe started crying. I told him to bring him to me because it was about time to nurse him and we slept together until 7:30 or so.

I was mom zombie the yesterday. I cried a lot. It was not good.

Last night we started the process again. I asked for reassurance from my friends and family. Both Ryan and I were at our wits end. Ryan said, "Let's forget it. He can sleep with you." But like I mentioned in my post- it's not just about wanting to sleep with my husband. I can't leave Joe in the bed without me there for safety reasons.

I don't remember what time it was when he finally went to sleep. I do remember at 11:35 bringing him into bed to nurse him and I was going to take him back to his crib. Next thing I remember it was 1:45 and Joe was asleep next to me. I thought, "OK, in a minute I'm going to get up and put him in his crib." Next thing I knew it was 2:30 and we were still in bed. I though, "Eh, screw it." and went back to sleep. So much for that persistence thing.

But I did discover something- Joe will wake up in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder no matter if he's laying next to me or if he's in his crib. He's always done it, but when he's laying next to me it's easier and quicker to quiet him down. So now the new problem is trying to figure out how to keep him asleep.

A new mystery to be solved. Yay.

Is his nose stuffy? Sometimes it sounds like it but when I do the nose spray and nose sucker outer thing not a lot comes out.

Is he teething? I think that he has some teeth getting ready to pop through. We give him some Baby Tylenol before bedtime but that doesn't work.

Has his reflux come back? When he was about a month old he was diagnosed with reflux and the doc prescribed some Zantac. I used it for about 2 months and stopped (simply because I would always forget) even thought the doctor said to use it for 6 months. Well when he turned 4 months the spitting up stopped. No more going through 10 burp cloths a day! But strangely when he turned 7 months, the spitting up returned. It's not as frequent, but still more than it has been the last couple of months. I could give him the Zantac again, but I just don't feel 100% comfortable doing that, so I got some Little Tummies Gripe Water to see if that will help.

I check his temp regularly and he doesn't have a fever, so that one is out.

Is he hungry? I doubt it. I still frequently nurse throughout the day, especially right before he goes to bed.

I just don't know what it is. I can get him to sleep in his crib after a few crying spells, but what is causing him to wake up so often in the night?

I have read The No-Cry Sleep Solution, but the first part is all about logs and charts and I just don't have time for that. I have Dr. Sears' book on baby sleep and I haven't had time to read that. I guess instead of venting to you, my blogging friends, I should get off the computer and read up!

My Thoughts on Bin Laden's Death

I was lying in bed next to my sleeping Joe reading a book. My husband and his brother were in the next room playing Xbox. Suddenly Ryan peeked his head in and whispered, "Osama Bin Laden was killed." I jumped up and went into the other room where they had the news turned on. Soon Barack Obama would be speaking to the country. This was no rumor. This was no speculation. This was confirmed news.

I'll admit that my first reaction was that I wanted to run around in an American flag t-shirt and shoot pistols in the air shouting, "USA! USA! USA!" Finally- justice is served! That evil man is dead! My facebook wall flooded with similar status updates of being so happy that his man was dead as a doornail. Serves that bastard right! Hope he burns in hell! I texted my best friend saying, "We killed that a-hole!"

But then a girl I went to college with posted a different kind of status:

A man who has caused the deaths of thousands has been killed. Am I glad he can't terrorize the world anymore? Yes. Am I celebrating the death of a fellow human being? No. Stop gloating people...it may be hard to believe, but that man was created in the image of God just like any of us. Try praying for his soul...you know the whole "love thy enemies" thing.
Blessed JPII - Pray for us and for our world.

That stopped me in my tracks. Suddenly I wasn't in such a celebratory mood anymore. It's easy to picture Bin Laden as a monster. He is a monster who is responsible for the deaths of thousands of men, women and children. But he is still human. He was once a small baby, sleeping next to his mother, just like my son sleeps next to me. He was once an innocent child, playing with his friends. He was once a gawky teenager, nervous about himself and his future. Somewhere along the line, something went wrong. Terribly wrong.

I find it interesting that he was killed on Divine Mercy Sunday. God shows his mercy to the most evil of men, if they desire his forgiveness and love. We do not know what Bin Laden's last moments were like. God alone is his judge. You never know... we might be surprised to see Bin Laden in heaven someday.

I know I will probably take a lot of flack for this post. I do agree his actions were evil. I do agree that he needed to be stopped. One might even argue that he was killed in self-defense. I still love America and am a proud supporter of our military. But does his death really mean that we are safe now? It's not like the war on Al-Qaeda is over. In fact it might be getting much much worse.

Is celebrating his death really what we should be doing? Shouldn't we be praying for his soul? With all our comments about how he deserved to die and how we're glad he's dead and how we hope he rots in hell- well, we're not showing him mercy. We're not valuing his life. And with the rate we're going- we're not much better than him.