Today I am wondering- can we afford for me to be a stay at home mom?I want to be a stay a home mommy to as many kids as God wants to give us. I want this with every fiber of my being. While growing up I had many career dreams- teacher, actress, and Olympic swimmer. When I got out of high school my career dreams were half-hearted. As I got older and my heart longed to be a part of a good marriage and to have children of my own, my dreams turned from career to devoting my life to my husband and growing family.
***And as a side note, I'm not saying that being a working mom is a bad thing. I think it is important to have mothers present in the workforce. So please don't comment, "You know if you have to work, it wouldn't be a bad thing." I know it wouldn't... but I feel in my heart that I belong at home. This isn't a post about stay at home vs. working moms.***
***Another side note- I do hope to supplement my husband's income somehow. I would love to be a free-lance writer, but lack the confidence at the present time.***
I look at other stay at home moms (SAHM) and my heart swells with admiration. I know being a SAHM isn't easy- you are by yourself taking care of the children and household. You have very little contact with grown ups. You are under appreciated. But I'm willing to take on those challenges. I know the rewards will be worth it.
But then... what really gets me down... is finances. I look at other SAHM's and see that their husbands have fairly good jobs. Farmers, lawyers, doctors, college professors... I know that no matter what job one has, if a couple cuts down to one income there will be financial strain. There will be budgeting. But a SAHM with a doctor as a husband might have an easier time with finances than a SAHM with a janitor as a husband. Perhaps I am wrong.
I am so proud of what my husband does. He loves his job. He works with troubled youth. He helps them to help themselves to rebuild their lives in a positive way. He works long, odd hours and has to deal with the frustrations of working with boys that don't want to change, or who do change for the better only to fall back into their old habits and come back to the facility. But he and everyone else says that the youth counselors are extremely underpaid. It makes me wonder if we will be able to afford for me to stay at home if he stays at this job. I have always believed that it is more important to be at a job you love rather than a job you hate, but make more money. I stand by that belief.
Then I feel an overwhelming sense pressure from family, friends and society about finances and having a big family. I feel like people look at my dreams of being a SAHM and think, "Yeah right, like that will ever happen." I see them look at my husband and me and think, "But I want them to be financially stable." When I announced my first pregnancy, someone I love very much said immediately, "How can you afford a baby right now?" I was devastated. When I talk about having a bunch of kids I've had other people I love very much say, "But that just might not be realistic. I don't want you to worry about money."
I know these people think/say these things only because they love us. They want what is best for us, and for that I am deeply appreciative. But it has planted seeds of doubt. Maybe we won't be able to afford for me to stay at home. I know this sounds dramatic, but if I have to go to work and leave my children with a stranger I will be crushed. For those women who have to work when they want to stay at home with their kids... my goodness.. I have HUGE admiration for you.
I get a little jealous of those people who get to vacation all the time. Who get to experience the excitement of buying their very own home. To get brand new matching furniture. Who get to remodel or build a home. Who get to go out to eat and shop all the time. Who get to buy their kids cute clothes. Who can buy a new car whenever they want.
But I know, in the end, that sacrificing those things to have children and stay at home with them will be worth it. I grew up without those things and I had an awesome childhood. I had garage sale toys and hand me down clothes. We had mismatched furniture and a porch that was on the verge of falling apart. But I was happy, safe and loved.
My mom grew up in a family of seven kids and the stories of them all growing up together make my heart smile. My grandparents were poor; however, they still had a happy home. (When I look to them as an example, I know there are people saying, "But that was a different time." Blah...) A sibling is a gift. A vacation will last a couple days, but a sibling will last forever. When Ryan and I are long gone our children will have each other. That's why when I saw this snack commercial on Faith and Family Live I bawled my preggo eyes out:
Like I said, the sacrifices will be worth it. I know God is trying to ease my burden by sending me little signs that being a SAHM with a large family is possible. In the last week I've read two awesome articles on Faith and Family (I love that website!) One is about how large families are environmentally friendly, and the other is finding joy when you don't have a lot of fancy things. (I highly recommend reading them.) Reading these have brought me comfort and peace.
I know having a newborn isn't that expensive. They don't need a whole lot of stuff. But what happens when we have another baby, then another... then another? That's going to add up. Our insurance will go up, our food bills, etc. Ryan and I may be making a big life decision in the next few months to move, but it may be to a town where rent is much higher. Will we be able to handle it? What about Catholic education? To be honest, not sending our kids to Catholic schools has never been an issue with me, but I know it is important to Ryan.
I feel spiritually drained and I feel I'm not praying hard enough for God to send us guidance. I wish He'd FedEx me a manual of how to budget, where we need to move, what we need to invest in, etc.
But as much as I am worrying, I know everything will turn out fine. Maybe someday, when Ryan and I are 80 and we live in our own home in the country and all our grown up children and grandchildren are gathered around us, we can start off stories of how we first started out our marriage and parenting being "poor as church mice." God has taken care of us so far, and I know He won't stop, no matter how much it feels like He's ignoring us. Our family, friends and even strangers have helped us out in ways that we can never repay. I know we have family and friends and blogging buddies that pray for us as well.
I just wonder when the doubt will fizzle away and knowing what God wants of us will come SOON!
23 comments:
To answer your question on whether or not you can afford to stay at home with your baby, my answer is YES!!! My wife is a stay at home mom, and I'm not a doctor, lawyer, or college professor. I work on a very meager salary as a youth minister. And oh, by the way, we have five kids, too! I do work a part time job as well to help pay the bills. The question should not be "Can I stay at home?" but rather, as you alluded to, "What can we sacrifice so that I can stay at home?" And budgeting...well that's easy on a meager income. You only spend money on what you need: the mortgage, electric and water bill, groceries, etc. We don't have much, and we don't need much. My wife and I are O.K. with that. My kids are O.K. with that. It is far better to stay at home with your children and not be able to give them all they want then it is to give them all they want yet never see them.
I admire your ambition to be a SAHM, and reading this post, I hear the Holy Spirit speaking through your writing. He's given you motivation, "I want to be a SAHM," given you resolve, "sacrificing those things will be worth it," and sent you faith, "I know everything will turn out fine." He's whispering through your words, "Trust in Me."
I started specifically calling God, "Providence," when I found out I was laid off. That's who He is!! Isn't it amazing?? God has a will, and He provides. :-)
Maggie, I really enjoy reading your blogs. This one in particular got to me. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now that Jessica is 20 it doesn't make much sense for me to still want that, but I do. I'd love to have dinner on the table and a clean house for Jeremy when he gets home every night. Time to study my Bible the way I should instead of hurry through studies because there is always something else that needs to be done. I pray that God blesses you in every facet of your family and marriage. Be the SAHM that others wish they could be but aren't able to.
PS - Stop by and see us whenever you are in "the city" :-)
Sandy Dean
It is possible that there may not be one "what God wants" for your entire life. If you know that you have the resources to stay home with one child, then make sure that you enjoy the time and don't waste it worrying about whether you will be able to stay at home full time with 10 children. Of course you must be wise and plan, but don't let that eat away at you!
I hope that it all works out and that you are able to live well with a full heart. :-)
Maggie,
Don't fret! God's in control! Remember to pray to him for guidance. He'll send you what you need if it's his will! Mother Angelica once said, while she was building a Monastery for Our Lord, that she had $300 in bill and Our Lord sent her $350! He'll send it, it might just be enough, but he'll provide! So cheer up and enjoy the years that are coming!
God Bless.
I guess I should also clarify that it's not like I feel pressured to follow the conservative Catholic mold and stay at home with 10 kids. If God wants that, that's great, but I think He knows me well enough that I don't think I could mentally handle 10 kids!
It's all about what He wants. I just don't know what that is yet!
You can stay home. I have no idea of your income potential, but daycare for one infant id close to 35,000 a year. So if you're only going to make 5,000 -20,000 more than that (or even double ). ... it's not worth it . Why work just to pay someone else to watch your kid?
You can do it, you already have everything you need.
I know what you mean, all I've ever wanted was to be stay at home mom. I may have to get a part time job to help supplement our income when my husband switches careers, but I am hoping that if I have to it will only be for a few days a week and that we will live close enough to family to be able to to leave my kids with somone I trust. But I am confidant that I will go back to being a stay at home mom if at all possible. It's my hearts desire, so we make it work. :)
I say do what you really want to do. I myself, want to be a stay at home mom someday. I have an idea of a job that I want to do, that I'll be able to do from home.
If nothing else, after your first little one has grown up some and you feel more comfortable with things, you could always get some small part time job someplace, if you really felt guilty and felt like you wanted/needed to help out money-wise.
However, I do know quite a few families that had/have a stay at home parent, and the one that works doesn't have a really high paying job. I'm sure you guys could find a way to make it work no matter what you decide to do :).
I would love to be a SAHM someday if I can. I wish you the best with that!
Don't look at "having to budget" as a bad thing. As a matter of fact, no matter what money you have, it's a good idea to plan what to do with it.
The best quote I ever hear (and it's not Dave Ramsey's...but he quoted it from someone else...) "A budget is telling your money where to go so you won't wonder where it went."
As long as you don't get into debt...of if you are in debt, get it paid off....and then save up and pay for things with cash...you will do fine no matter how many children you have. It's the debt that swallows people whole.
pray, pray and pray...surely if you do that, and try to live your life in line with God's plan, you can do it, I bet. God bless.
Praying and using the abundant intelligence and imagination that the Lord gave you, will enable you and your husband to be the people you want to be.
Hi Maggie,
I often wondered the same things, but when God gives you the desire to be a stay-at-home mom, which is only natural, he will also give you the means to do so. I have learned to give up so many things after having my daughter, not because having a child is expensive, but because I want to provide a good future for her, which means paying down debt. I have learned to buy clothes and furniture second-hand and to make do with what we have. And we are about to adopt two more. People look at me like I am crazy when I tell them this. But after you have a boy and a girl, you are pretty much set for toys and clothes. Also, don't buy many baby clothes right away because chances are good that a lot of people will give you all the clothes you need. I didn't have to buy clothes for Susi until she became a toddler. Also, one thing that the finance books never tell you is that children are the best investment one can make in life. Your savings and assets can't talk to you when you are older, give you grandchildren or send you birthday cards :).
Maggie,
You're in my prayers. You're facing a super difficult decision, one which I faced a few years ago.
I'm not going to give advice but I pray everything works out. God bless.
I wrote very similar things 11 years ago when I was pregnant with our first. I worked pt for years before it was time to stay home full time. Life is long. Thing change. It's not all or nothing. I am 45 and I have seen so many friends change careers, move, work pt, work at home, or quit all together. The journey is long my friend. Since it is your heart's desire to stay at home with your baby (and I believe that is from God), start doing whatever you can to make that a reality. If y ou don't know Dave Ramsey, read his books & definitely download his pod cast. You will be encouraged. Don't rule out your DH switching careers at some point. I know many men who changed careers so the could provide more generously for their families. It is difficult for both parents to place their baby in daycare and that often motivates both parents to reconsider their careers. Even if he doesn't change careers, surprises happen - promotions, new opportunities etc. St Josemaria said "every baby brings a loaf of bread" We have found that to be true. And, whatever you do -- don't be afraid! I was afraid of daycare and I would pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament while pregnant for the right sitter. I then found a lovely women to watch my daughter 2-3 days a week. But I wasted so much energy being afraid and focusing on what I didn't have . . . Jesus has already worked it our perfectly for your family. PEace.
Gah, just had a comment written and then closed the window. Anyway, I can relate to your post, as I used to wonder and worry and stress if it would be possible for me to be a SAHM. Took the plunge when it became evident that I was way too stressed *not* being a SAHM. And you know, it works out. God provides what is needed. As baby gifts, we asked for cloth diapers, which we're still using 2.5 years and another kid later. We found the wonder of Freecycle, and we learnt that we could do without a lot. I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for the world. May God bless you!
I linked here from another site. It must have been God sending me here because Saturday is not usually a day for computer time. Yes, you can stay home and raise your children---even on a counselor's income. My husband is a mental health counselor. We have a very, very meager income, especially so since he took a cute in pay due to the economy. Our journey began a few years ago, while I was still a working mother, bouncing around with 3 children. We were in debt and wanted out. We bought a book by Larry Burkett called Debt Free Living. It changed our lives. We realized that we were living way beyond our means--and we didn't even know it. It gave me the courage to admit that I it wasn't normal to leave my children in someone else's care so I could fell satisfied, make a car payment, or add an extra $200 to our savings account. At first, it was a huge struggle. We rented a tiny home, sold one car, and learned to live on much, much less. In one year, we were completely debt free. My husband found a new job with a better salary. We moved to a better location with a much more reasonable cost of living. Now we have 6 children. I haven't worked outside our home in almost 10 years. I've learned a lot--how to shop for NICE clothes at second-hand stores, how to strectch a chicken over 3 meals, how to plan a really cheap vacation. We've learned what it really means to trust the Lord, take pride in our accomplishments, and depend on each other. I my mind, we haven't sacrificed a thing. I've learned that God always provides when we trust in Him. You can do it!!!
Thirty-one years ago, I quit work when I couldn't afford it to stay home with my children. And I still can't afford them!
The only regret I have is that I didn't have more children (I have four).
You can be a SAHM, and if you love writing you can be a freelancer, too. I know, because I've done both. If you really and truly love to write, get a couple of books about freelancing (I suggest Jenna Glatzer's books - they steered me in the correct direction from the beginning) and write write write about the things you love.
We're not yet all the way to financial freedom, but it's coming, and I can't wait. To be out of debt and totally in control - way better than new cars or dinners out.
One thing you'll find as you pay close attention to your budget is that it becomes easier every day to walk away from the "want" items. This gives you time and resources to handle the "needs" part. You can do it!
My children are 15 and 13 and I have been a SAHM their whole lives -- although I now work part time, and I was a freelance writer from home when they were very young. Those years, they were watched a couple of mornings a week by a neighborhood mom who watched other kids all day long (some of them for 12 hours a day!!!). My husband is not a high wage earner.
You have to budget and prioritize. Clothing a child is not expensive when you shop consignment stores and end-of-season sales. You do not have to buy a kid $100 sneakers -- though many people do. We have a nice home in a good neighborhood, but not a huge home in a wealthy neighborhood. We have two cars. We have had cable television for less than a year (the $12/month basic kind) -- one of the things we quit buying long ago. You just have to look at what you're spending with a cold eye. I know a family of four whose mom stayed at home AND homeschooled the two kids, and her husband works two jobs as a bus driver and a maintenance supervisor. It doesn't take a lot of money, it takes planning and commitment.
My brother and his wife, both high wage earners, are always complaining about how they would like to move to an even more expensive neighborhood but they don't have enough money. Everything they own costs much more than what we own, and they get every gadget that comes out. On their income I could live in a palace! It all comes down to how you spend what you do have.
Go for it -- you can do it. Your kids will be better off, and your family life will be much less stressful.
I have two bits of advice. The first is pray, pray, pray.
The second, and this may sound silly, but get some more sleep. Money concerns always overwhelm me when I'm tired. Things look much better when you've had good, restful sleep. Though depending on your pregnancy that may be wishful thinking.
I just finished reading your post on worries about being a stay at home mom. My husband and I have 4 children and we by no means are wealthy but we live comfortably and I am a stay at home mom. We had to learn to budget and our kids have learned to appreciate the value of money. We eat homecooked meals every night and eating out is absolutely a treat for our family and we save yearly to take a nice family vacation. Our family has learned to make sacrifices and grow and depend on each other. We live on our love, faith and family. It always works out and we never have gone without. You will know in your heart what to do and just keep praying about it. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything they have. Take care
Maggie, I highly suggest it. If you are interested, email me @ jamie_shover@yahoo.com.
I am a working mom. I'm the breadwinner, making the larger income of the two while doing a job I really don't like much. But I did afford my husband to get his Master's degree and that increased his income somewhat. He is also a social worker and I struggled with the same feelings of being proud of him, but also wishing secretly that he'd want to provide for US more than help others. I have always wanted to be home with my children. I never wanted to be the career woman that I am. I harbored a lot of bad feelings.\
We recently moved to a larger home that is gorgeous and affordable on our current salary. But since then I have struggled with some depression (not clinical, but I know I'm depressed a bit). I felt like the larger house was the end of any opportunity for me to stay home. I turned into a person I didn't recognize. I was so torn apart.
Now my children are 6 and 3. My husband has asked me to leave my job and stay at home for just a while, until my son enters Kindergarten. He's the one encouraging me now. So like so many others here said, things change. Even when you think they won't change, they do. So what you do for now may be different from what you do next year. There are so many variables. But for now, YES, you can afford it. :) I promise.
((HUGS)) And seriously, if you are interested, email me. I can help you out, not only with what you NEED, how to save (despite our income, I'm excellent at making our income go as far as possible), etc. I wish I really could give you a hug!
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