"You darn kids are driving me crazy! I can't even heard the priest! Go play in the church graveyard!"HEEEEEEEEEELLLPP!!!
For the past few weeks Mass has been a battleground with Joe. He wants to run around. He wants to walk along the entire pew- even if other people are sitting there. He wants to scream. Today he invented a new game- Throw the Binky As Far As You Can.
What I would ultimately like to do is hold him in my arms throughout the standing and kneeling parts of Mass and let him sit and look at books during the sitting down parts. I don't want him running around. But he squirms and screams bloody murder when he is held in our arms. So one of us takes him out. None of the churches we go to have a cry-room. I'm not a fan of cry-rooms anyway. We take him to the vestibule where there is usually an overflow of people trying to hear the Mass. We can't hold him there either because he screams. So it's off to the basement where he runs around. One of us misses Mass and Joe isn't present which is the whole reason we are taking him there in the first place.
I know he has no idea what is going on. I know he won't know for quite awhile. I know I shouldn't expect so much out of him since he is only a year and a half old. But it is very important to Ryan and I that Joe be there. See the people, see the priest, see the actions, hear the words, hear the music... you get the idea.
I feel that I am almost too strict with Joe in church. I do not allow food. We just fed him before we left and it's more of hassle than anything dealing with snacks. We do bring a sippy of water, however. I don't even really like the idea of him coloring. I did for the first time today let him take the little pew pencil and draw on some paper which kept him quiet and entertained for quite sometime. I'm thinking of maybe getting some colors and printing off some Catholic coloring pages. I don't like the idea of coloring because he attempted many times at coloring the hymnals and pews. I also am thinking to the future when he is old enough to pay attention and he'll still want to color. I don't even really want to get into that habit. I don't allow toys because he just ends up throwing them. I know I sound like a fun-sucking mama. I just want to instill in him good habits for when he is an older child. I am going to expect him to be quiet, sit still, kneel and stand. Does that make me horrible? Am I starting him on a path of hating the Church?
I don't like the idea of cry rooms. Of course, I've never really been to a church that has one, and the cry rooms that I have heard of are basically glorified playrooms and social hour for parents. The church we currently attend had the opportunity to build a cry-room but the parishioners said no. They wanted the kids out in the pews. I really love that idea. But when your son has a scream that could stun a banshee... well... it's tough. Distracting him with religious books worked for awhile, but not so much anymore. I don't want to ruin my fellow parishioners Mass experience.
Today we went to a different parish than we normally do. Joe threw this binky into the pew in front of us and tried to pull on the woman's hair. Thankfully she was very nice. She was with her husband, a baby who was probably just a few weeks old and a girl who was probably five or six. She whispered to me at one point after I apologized for what seemed like the 50th time- "Oh don't worry! We have a 20 month old who is the same way." The 20-month old was nowhere to be found, but after communion the husband left for a few minutes then came back with an adorable toddler girl who I assumed was his daughter. After Mass she explained that there was a day care/nursery downstairs that her daughter went to during Mass. I'm sure they try to teach religious-type stuff during this hour, but I am really not comfortable at all sending a child away while the children that can behave gets to be with the entire family. She said, "She was just getting to be too much. We were spending all of our time in the back. I told my husband either she goes down to the nursery or we aren't coming anymore."
I know there is some sort of value in bringing your child to church, even if it's difficult. I know Mass isn't supposed to be "what I get out of it" and feeling spiritually fulfilled. But I couldn't even tell you what the Gospel was about today. Seriously. I haven't mastered all the new prayers and responses because I'm rarely ever saying them because I'm going after Joe.
Not me...
But what should I do during these crazy times where Joe is just out of control? Is there a certain Mass time that works better for you? We've concluded that anything after 11:00 is out of the picture. 10:00 is even pushing it. We went to 9:00 Mass today and he did a little better, but that could have been because we were in a different environment. Maybe we need to try a super duper early Mass.
Where do you sit? We always try to sit toward the front so he can see what is going on, but not the very front because I am so afraid of distracting the priest. I've heard that the whole "sit in the front so the kids will be distracted with what the priest is doing" theory can fail.
What are your thoughts on coloring, eating/drinking, reading, toys and other goodies during Mass? I really need advice because this is really started to drain on me. I feel like I'm going to Mass by myself because Ryan is always out with Joe, and I feel Ryan is being cheated out of being a part of the Mass. I'm beginning to feel that bringing Joe is a waste of time, but it is so very very important to me to bring him. I'm willing to try anything except for one of us staying at home with him. I'm not at that point yet.
Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I really need your advice and wisdom. And I just want to say that I don't want to sound like I am judging those parents who DO take their kids to the nursery or cry room or let them color and eat and play with toys. We all have to do what is best for our family and what works for the people around us. I just don't feel comfortable at this point doing all that.
8 comments:
Well, I can only tell you what we have done with our kids and hope it might work for you.
When we have a rambunctious one, we agree to alternate taking the child to the back every week so it's not just one of us. We also agree that while in the back, we hold the child in our arms and maybe even pin his/her arms inside our arms to keep still. Yes, our child has screamed and resisted, but usually only takes a few times before they get it together. The important thing is not to "give in" and let them run around, IMO. If they learn that for one hour of the week, it is NOT play time and it IS quiet time and you aren't going to bend on it, they will get there eventually.
Of my children so far, Helen has been the most difficult. She got so big that it was difficult to hold her anymore, so we walked to the back and she had her corner where she went to stand and put her nose. She got to where she knew exactly when and where she had to go and she'd walk herself right into that corner, stay there until she was ready to behave again and we'd return to Mass.
Do NOT stop taking your son to Mass. He will get it eventually. Just hold your ground. We don't allow snacks, toys or playing/running/up&down, etc. And this has been what has worked for us. God bless!
We always bring all the kids to Mass with us (unless someone is sick). I strongly believe in family Mass time.
Toddlers are the most difficult age group. Babies sleep or cuddle, and once kids are about 3 or 4, they are much better at sitting quietly. We definitely let our kids have food and one book or coloring book and crayons or quiet toy during Mass. I try to make the book or toy religious in some way. Coloring really is a great church activity. I would give them food like cheerios that take a while to eat a lot, or even a lollipop to suck.
We do not give them food or toys once they are 3 years old. They are in preschool then and are expected to go to Mass at school with no food or toys, so we feel they can do it for us too. It will get better, and the only way for them to learn what to do is just to keep taking them!!
Oh, and for what it's worth, once they turn three, we bribe them with a piece of candy after Mass for whomever was behaving :)
I agree with what Michelle said. So far we've had very few times where we HAD to take a child out. And you are defintitely not a fun-sucking mother! We don't take anything at all with us. No snacks, drinks, toys, binkies, books, crayons. Nothing. We think the best way is just have them get used to the way they are expected to behave as early as possible. We do try to sit towards the front so the can see better and so far our 17 month old has been sufficiently distracted by the priest and just people watching without getting too squirmy. He does remain in our laps the entire time. And we highly discourage seat swapping for the older kids. I mean, come on, it's only an hour right!? Anyway, good luck!
This is so hard because each child/family is different. From the time my 3 year old was about 14 months until 2 and a half, we struggled with the same things you are. Please know you are NOT alone!
If you are firmly against toys/books/food etc. then I would continue to hold your ground. For us, we allowed Lucas to a small amount of Cheerios until he turned 3. At this point, I was able to explain to him that he was a "big" boy and big boys do not get snacks at church.
We have always allowed one or two religious books. This keeps him quiet and occupied. Just last week, he even made the connection between his book and what he saw during Mass. I think that's a win! He was reading the board book "Celebrating Mass" by Thomas J. Donaghy
When he was more of a toddler, my husband and I took turns taking him to the back where we held him. We've never encouraged playing or getting out of his seat during Mass. The age is so tough! But you have to keep taking him!
Also, you might "practice" when you are at home having some quiet time. But really until a child is about 3 and can understand consequences, it is really difficult to "control" behavior (actually you can't).
Now that Lucas is 3, we give him our expectations up front and if he does not behave the way we expect, he loses a privilege at home.
As for the time, I would definitely think about the time when he is typically the most agreeable. We realized with Lucas that when he was really tired, he tended to act out even more. Now that we have a 10 month old, we had to readjust when we go to Mass again. As hard as it is to get out the door, 8:30 Mass works the best for us!
Just hang in there a little longer during this trying time.
All great advice above. Dr. Ray on EWTN has some great advice as well. It is more strict, but it has worked with our little man.
This is a TOUGH stage. To say the least. But it will pass, not as soon as you hope for, but it will.
Try and make little milestones each week. Don't go for the gold the first time trying any of the suggestions above.
For "toys" we used holy items. I put holy cards on key rings, brought a couple of "religious" children's books, rotate what you bring. Don't give them all at once. Remember to try and stretch it out.
Rotate turns keeping watch each week.
Talk about your expectations with Ryan prior to each Mass so that you are on the same discipline page.
It will eventually get better. I promise!
We've done different things at different times. For the most part we hold our girls and don't let them get down, until they're 2 1/2 or so. We've done snacks and water in the past, although it can only be cheerios- other things roll or make too big of mess. I've heard marshmellows can be a good church snack, but our girls have never had them.
We've done religious books, but then I cut that out- it only worked for a few weeks anyways. Now we're at point where we don't take any drinks, snacks, toys, or books. We almost always have to go to the back with Maggie at some point in time, but we just hold her and pace the back hall a little bit if we need to. This stage will pass before too long, don't fret about it, but also don't create bad habits now just to get through it, that will be harder to break later! Once they get closer to 2 or a little older it gets much easier!
I have no advice because we struggle with this too... it is exhausting! We've missed more Masses in the past year simply because of the stress it has caused me. I know it's not an excuse, but it's the truth and it breaks my heart.
Yep, we have kind of been in a Mass is mostly penance place for a while now. I would like to change it, but don't really know how. So no advice, just sympathy!
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