I remember before I had Joe I was so nervous that breastfeeding wouldn't work out. Well, thankfully, it did. Very, very well. I was very gung-ho about nursing. I was planning on blogging about everything! Nursing in public, the challenges, the benefits- the topics were endless. In the 14 1/2 months I have been breastfeeding I have written a total of two posts.I never really nursed in public. If I did I had a nursing cover and didn't care what others thought. Other than that there were no challenges. It is a bonding experience, but it's nothing I really gush over. Joe loves to nurse. He'd nurse all the time if he could. The only weaning I've done is daytime weaning (before his naps) and that wasn't a big deal. So there hasn't really been a whole lot of interesting things to blog about regarding my breastfeeding journey.
I know I just wrote about how moms shouldn't judge other moms, but I have a confession to make: I always thought that nursing a baby past 12 months was just kind of weird. I never thought it was a bad thing; I just wasn't used the idea. I don't know anybody in person who is currently nursing and all the women I know that have nursed in the past stopped at around 8 or 9 months- most of them sooner. So when I'd see pictures of a woman nursing her newborn on one boob and her three year old on another boob I just kind of thought, "Hmm... that's.... different."
And here I am, nursing an almost 15 month old toddler.
I would have no problems continuing this breastfeeding relationship. Except that I'm pretty sure it's messing with my fertility/luteal phase. And I know for a fact that it's screwing with my sleep.
I am not going to get into the fertility issues in this post. That's for another day.
I'm tired, people. I've been tired for the past 60+ weeks. I nurse Joe before I lay him down in his crib. Then again at 11:00. Then usually around 1:00, 4:00 and then 6:00. If I were co-sleeping it might be easier, but Joe insists on being put back in his crib so there's a lot of getting in and out of bed.
The problem is that we sleep in same room as Joe. That's how it has worked out while living with Ryan's parents. Ryan tries to calm him down. I try to calm him down. The only thing that works is my boob. I pick him up and cuddle him but he points emphatically to the bed mean, "Stop with this cuddle crap. Give me some milk, lady!" I am awake when I try to have him cry it out. I am also awake if I get up to nurse him, the only positive side to this is that breastfeeding makes him stop crying sooner.
I know the sleeping in the same room is the main problem. This morning after Joe fell back to sleep I laid there wide awake. I came to the conclusion that maybe it was time to stop nursing him at night and start the complete weaning process. It is time. But then a whole crap-load of thoughts came rushing in:
- What if he's waking up so much because of his molars coming in? If he is in pain shouldn't I comfort him? But I've read in the books (yes, yes, I know... those pesky books...) that getting up to comfort your child every single time is not in their best interest. That even after his pain is gone he will still cry out constantly for me.
- Maybe it's separation anxiety. I need to teach him to comfort himself. But I just feel bad leaving him there to cry.
- Since he's not eating a lot of solid foods I feel like it's important for me to keep nursing him for him to get nutrients and calories. Extended breastfeeding is a good thing health-wise. Why stop now?
But I'm tired.
I don't resent breastfeeding. I really do enjoy it; I'm just not WHOO HOO BREASTFEEDING ROCKS! (Like the photo above.) Maybe I was in the early months... but now it's just so routine.
I think the fact that it is so routine that makes me not want to stop. It's going to be a HUGE change for Joe and me. Ending this breastfeeding relationship closes a chapter on our lives. Yes, I was eventually going to stop nursing, but I just thought I'd be more prepared and ease ourselves into it. I always thought it'd be "OK, next month I'm going to start weaning." Not this week. Now right now.
But I'm just so tired.
This morning I got my Womanly Art of Breastfeeding book out to start reading up on weaning. I got my The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. Sears and was getting ready to prepare a way of using a modified CIO method. I was preparing to make arrangements to sleep in the guestroom and prepare my in-law's to get ready to hear a lot of crying and going up and down the stairs.
I was going to do all these preparations after Joe's breakfast.
And then I felt his molar FINALLY FREAKING popping through. There's another one right below the surface that I can see will break the surface any day now.
Well no wonder he has been crying so much lately. We usually don't give him Tylenol or Advil before bed because he's never fussy. So nursing was his comfort. I think it's pretty great that I can give him that comfort with my own body.
But I'm still tired and now have no clue what to do. I just figured I'd wait a few days and see what happens.
ZzzZzZZzzzzZZZZZZ.....
11 comments:
I ended up weaning Chase early at about 7 months but that's because I wasn't producing near enough milk for his needs, so we went formula here and there and than breastmilk. I'd switch and slowly he didn't want my breast anymore- maybe you could try whole milk in a bottle (or sippy one less thing to wean of)-maybe a special formed one like the breast. I personally use tomee tipee when I don't breastfeed, but something like that, start by alternating feedings just to give your body a rest, or even pump and store your breastmilk and see if you husband will take turns feeding him- he sounds like a very supportive husband! :) If I could of breastfed until Chase was three I would have, my mom did! I know it's kinda awkward though, but it's your choice and it's FREE! The thing is you should be getting much needed rest in order to continually produce for Joe and your own sanity lol, but I'd still give it a shot on bottle(sippy cup) breastmilk or even a whole milk and switch until he's weaned :) Good luck, girl! YOU CAN DO IT!
Was getting uncomfortable nursing in public as Liam was more and more playing hide & seek with the cover, and since he now does well with a sippy cup ~ that is what we do in public. At home, we offer a cup with meals and I expect that he will nurse less and less. My plan is to let him decide until about 18 months, then if we are still nursing be a bit more structured about weaning. Essentially closer to one in age ~ baby led, closer to 2, mommy led.
I'm right there with you trying at night to discern when is he in pain/discomfort and when to push him to try and sooth himself ~ it is a dance. No advice, much support!
Hope he sleeps better now that the teeth have broken thru.
I don't have a lot of advice for the sleep dilemma (we cosleep) but I can offer the perspective of a mom who has an older nursling, but who didn't start with an expectation to nurse that long. I can say that I felt much as you do at around 15 mos - like I was bored with all the nursing. I started to think "well, we'll nurse till two because that's the recommendation, but I don't how much further we'll go.." Then sometime before two it started to get easier and easier, and now somehow her 2nd birthday came and went - she'll be 2.5 next month, and as she cuts back on nursing slowly, I no longer much care how long she decides to go for. The only pressure I really feel now is the societal "what, she's *still* nursing" question. It really does get easier the older they get - you can start to negotiate times with them, my daughter no longer nurses in public because I can just say "we'll have guppies when you get home" and she's fine with that. I don't think I appreciated at a year how much I would appreciate having her still nursing at two - not just the nutrition (although that is huge - she recently had a virus where she stopped eating or drinking anything except for breastmilk for three days - if she hadn't still been nursing, she would have been hosptalized) but the comfort factor, and how it re-establishes good feelings between us when things get disrupted with a tantrum.
However, I definitely can relate to the fertility disruption aspect - it took over two years for me to cycle at all, and even now my luteal phase is pretty short and we haven't gotten pregnant again yet. It's easy to get antsy for the next baby, especially when friends around you are all on to #2, and even your family is going "so, about the next one?" I personally believe, though, that if your current baby is nursing enough to keep fertility suppressed, it may mean that they aren't quite ready for a sibling yet.
Anyway, that's my own two cents / reflection from having been and being at a similar place! Do what's best for you, for your son, and for your family - everyone's situation is different. You might try reading "Mothering your Nursing Toddler", and you could also try to night wean and continue with the daytime feeds (night weaning might well kickstart your fertility, and more sleep might make you feel a lot better about the nursing all the way around!)
Also - if you do decide you want to keep going for awhile - I can't tell you how much my local LLL has meant to me. We have a "nursing beyond a year" group locally who have become good friends of mine, and sometimes it just helps to get together and hear you're not the only one with a nursing toddler, or get advice..
I would've loved to nurse for the first year with Jack, but with going back to work & pumping I simply couldn't keep up. I felt really guilty weaning him around 8-9 months, at the time. I actually felt it helped me feel closer to Jack after he was weaned because breastfeeding (technically pumping) had become so frustrating for me.
I don't blame you for being tired at.all. That is a lot of nursing throughout the night, but it is definitley nice that you are still his source of comfort... I see your dilema.
Good luck! No matter your decision (or whenever he decides to wean himself), you and Joe will still have a great relationship & bond!
How funny - I was just thinking this very morning that it was time my husband and I sat down to have a conversation about night weaning. We're both fine with continuing to nurse past a year (and unlike you I'm finding that I love it more and more as time goes on), although if it interrupts my fertility too much I will continue to taper it off some.
But nighttime is another story. We've got Miriam down to once before I go to bed (~10:15) and once more when she wakes up around 2-3. (Other times if she wakes up we'll try to put her down without nursing, with more or less success.) But I'm ready to be done with it. Then of course she got sick this past weekend, so like you I guess we'll wait a few more days... and then we'll be traveling for Thanksgiving, so I guess we'll wait a few more days... and then we have birthday weekends, and then Christmas... if I'm lucky we'll night wean her in January :-P
When it does finally happen, I think we might try to stop her 3 am feed cold turkey. So I'll initiate one last "dream feed" at 10ish and then my husband will respond to her throughout the night. It just doesn't work if I go in - she knows I've got the milk! But because we're not sure how long this will take, we're reluctant to try it, for the sake of my husband's sleep! So who knows. We keep hoping she'll just stop waking up on her own, but I don't know if that ever actually happens!
I always felt that if a baby was old enough to ask for my milk, then they were too old to get it. Lots of mammals nurse their babies for nutrition but human moms seem to be the only ones who do it for comfort/pleasure. Once my kids were eating plenty of table foods, they naturally weaned themselves. I would just give Joe plenty of opportunity to eat real food and drink milk (instead of nursing) and he should wean himself. Also, having your hubby be the one to put him to bed and get him back to sleep will break him of needing to nurse in order to sleep. I think the rule of thumb for breastfeeding is that it should continue as long as both mom and baby desire it. So if you being tired and cranky outweighs your desire to nurse, then there's your answer.
I have absolutely no insight to offer at all, haha, but I wanted to voice my support. Whatever you decide to do will work out just fine. Joe has had a great 1 year+ of nursing, and so either way he'll be great. I don't know how you nursing moms do it without sleep. You all are champions. I went only a few short weeks with waking every two hours, and I rapidly fell into a deep depression. As soon as I finished nursing and got more sleep, I felt like a person again.
You are a great mom for soldiering on this long!
If you are ready to be done (and it sounds like you are) here is what I would suggest. When there are 2-3 nights where your hubby is available and can live without the sleep, you need to sleep somewhere else where you are not in sight of your son. Make his dad the only option. You can put a sippy cup of water in his crib and he may like it, or may not, but it's an option for him to satisfy his drinking urge. If you are there, he won't give up until he gets you...I've been there and know how much easier it is to just give in and nurse so that everyone involved can go back to sleep. Prepare your husband that it will be a long and tough couple nights, but if you are both ready to be done with breastfeeding then this is one way to make it happen.
Good luck! Make sure you let us know how it all turns out.
I have absolutely no advice for you whatsoever! Although, since I'm childless, I do have all the answers, of course. ;) (Not really. I'm clueless now, so I'll REALLY be in trouble if I ever have kids.) All that when what I really wanted to say is good luck with figuring it all out!
Hey Maggie! I know what it is like nursing a crazy active toddler boy and also the lack of sleep thing. Dominic always woke up every 2-4 hrs for nursing until he was about 16m old. I don't know how I made it through! I too believed (before Doc) that I wouldn't nurse past a year, but he loves it and even though I went through a period where I was ready for him to be done especially at night, I am so glad I stuck with it. Like you said about Joe, there are days where I feel like he barely eats anything and I don't worry because I know he is receiving nourishment through breastmilk. Dominic is 20m now and is sleeping so much better (we still co-sleep) that I am happy to let him nurse a few times during the day and once or twice at night. I am kinda just going with the flow so we will see what happens.
Anyway no real advice, just my experience. I will pray for you to make the decision that is best for you and Joe. :)
O goodness, I hear you. I always said that once your kid was old enough to ask for it, they were too old to nurse. And here I am nursing a 26 month old who asks for "Umdooo" several times a day, and wakes up 2-4 times each night for a snuggle and snack. I have no advice, somedays I feel like this is crazy and I'm tired, and I should just put my foot down, and other times I am so happy that she can still nurse through illness, teething, or just have something to lift her spirits on a bad bad toddler day. She is definetly my most cuddly, snuggly, happy baby, and I can't begrudge her that. We'll see what happens in the future.
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