Be Not Afraid

I have found my best form of prayer is studying the face of my sleeping son.

Last Sunday I started a novena to St. Michael the Archangel. I wanted protection from fear and an increased faith in God. The novena isn't over yet, but I can feel its graces working already.

I hesitated publishing my last post, because I didn't want it to seem like I was throwing a pity party for myself. However, I am so thankful I hit the publish button because I got so many wonderful and inspirational comments. They were little blessings and helped me tremendously. I am forever thankful for those that commented and offered your prayers. I knew motherhood would be a huge adjustment, but I guess I didn't realize just how big. Your comments reminded me that just the simple things, like nursing my son, can be a form of prayer.

So instead of worrying and fretting while I nursed Joe, I just stared at him. Instead of searching for words to say to God, I just marveled at his masterful artwork in creating every perfect detail of my son. When I came to terms with that being an acceptable form of prayer, I knew things were starting to get better.

It was today that the chains of my spiritual dry spell were finally broken.

Ryan decided to go to the super-duper early Mass and I chose to stay home and go to the 11:00 Mass. When the alarm chimed for me to get up I was immediately put in a bad mood. Ryan would be home soon and he would take care of Joe while I went to Mass. I have no problems going to Mass alone, but I just didn't feel like going today. I was nice and toasty warm all snuggled with Joe beside me. I nursed him and with a soft little sigh he drifted off to sleep in my arms. I was still so tired and watching my Joe sleep made me even sleepier. I didn't want to get out of bed and walk through a drafty cold house, get ready and then drive the 25 miles to church.

I did eventually get up, because missing Mass isn't an option for me. But I wasn't happy about it.

God knew I needed to go to Mass by myself today. He knew I needed to be distraction-free to hear the message he was about to give me. (My darling husband and son are my favorite distractions!)

During the opening blessing, Fr. Kevin mentioned that today's reading would focus on St. Joseph's "yes" to God's will in deciding to take Mary as his wife. I immediately perked up because of my great devotion to St. Joseph. I'm glad I started paying attention because Fr. Kevin's words in his homily seemed like they were meant just for me.

He talked about how Joseph had an idea on how his life would go, but then God threw a wrench in that plan. That got me thinking- Joseph learning his betrothed was pregnant with a child who wasn't his and eventually becoming the adopted father of the Savior of the world must have been quite a shock to him. He was probably very content before he got the news- he was betrothed to a woman he loved and cared for deeply. She was beautiful and kind. He couldn't wait to start their life together. He probably had plans on what their new home would look like. He imagined celebrating feasts and celebrations with his darling wife. He imagined growing old with her in their normal, simple and humble life. He probably assumed that when he and Mary had lived their lives and passed away that in a hundred years they wouldn't be remembered.

Well, we all know that isn't quite how Joseph's plans turned out. That reminds me of the saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." God probably got quite the chuckle out of Joseph's plan. "Oh, my dear Joseph, my plans are so much better than yours" is what the Lord Almighty probably thought... and I know he thinks that about me too. Maybe it's not in God's plan for Ryan and I to live near family or to have a bunch of kids. Whenever I think of my plan not lining up with God's I focus on the "BUT I WANT IT MY WAY!" and I forget to remember that Father really does know best. I forget that he only wants what is best for us and his will is ultimately good, even if it doesn't match up perfectly with how we want our life to go.

Fr. Kevin also mentioned how fearful Joseph must have been. He had a huge decision to make regarding what should happen to Mary since she got pregnant outside of marriage. Then when he realized the magnitude of the truth of the situation, he had to face his fears and completely trust in God's guidance. He had to face the fear of being the guardian of the Messiah. He had to face the fear of being looked down upon by society since he chose to stay married to Mary. He had to face the fear of journeying into an unknown life in Egypt to escape the evils of King Herod.

I finally realized what is really responsible for my spiritual despair. It is fear. I am fearful of many things. I'm afraid that God doesn't love me as much as his other children. I am afraid of what other people think of me if I proclaim my love of my faith. I'm afraid I will offend someone. I'm afraid people will think I am a fool for not using birth control and wanting a large family and rejecting some aspects of our popular culture. I'm afraid that we will never have enough money to be at peace. I'm afraid I will be a horrible mother and fail to raise my children to get to heaven. I'm afraid some tragedy will strike my loved ones. I'm afraid that we look like failures to other people. I'm afraid God doesn't trust me in doing great things with my life. I'm afraid God doesn't trust me to be a mother to many children and that's why his will was for me to have a c-section. (Can you tell that I still have some hang-ups on having a c-section? I need to realize that not everyone has the "perfect birth." Look at Mary- I'm sure she didn't plan on having her Savior son born nearly a hundred miles from her home in a cave with livestock. It's not like the archangel Gabriel added at the end of the Annunciation- "Oh yeah, and your son, the King of the World, will be born in a barn. After you travel, like, for forever.")

I need to stop being so afraid. I need to learn to trust God (that's hard for me- a stubborn, sinful control-freak.) HE WILL TAKE CARE OF US. HIS WILL IS THE BEST FOR US. I am hiding behind my fear. I am letting my fears and worries control my life and get in the way of my joy.

Earlier this week I read a post written by the lovely Betty Duffy. She writes about how she refuses to let other people and situations steal her joy. Instead of succumbing to anger, she refuses to let the good stuff of life be stamped out. I need to adopt this mentality. Instead of being all glum that I had to have a c-section and possibly future c-sections, I can't let that take away my joy of having a healthy beautiful child. If some day I announce my 5th pregnancy or a pregnancy soon after a birth and we get judged and criticised, I won't let that take away my joy of being able to participate in the miracle of life. The next time I get bummed out that my husband has to work late or miss a family get together, I won't let that steal my joy of being thankful that he has a job and that I do get to spend a lot of time with him. He could be in the military and be gone for many months at a time. Instead of worrying so much about being secure financially I need to remember my joy in knowing we have wonderful family members that have been generous to us and that there are more important things in life. There might be people out there that have no debt and own their own home and have matching furniture, but can't get pregnant or find a spouse. If someone makes a comment that drives me crazy at a special function, I won't let that take away the joy of having a good time.

I know I can achieve not having my joy stolen. I have done it once before. I was a little late getting to the church for my wedding (and I HATE HATE HATE being late for ANYTHING... it makes me super anxious) and our cake was a little lopsided because of the platter it was on. That might have freaked out some brides, but I refused to let it take away the joy of this special day. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life, and even though there were minor mishaps, the sacrament was perfect.

Yes, I did think of all this after his homily was over. During the offertory the song director decided to change the song selection. We sang "Be Not Afraid." It was like God whispered into the ears of the director, "Someone in the congregation needs to hear this." As we were singing, "Be not afraid... I go before you always. Come, follow me, and I will give you rest" tears started filling my eyes. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I could physically feel the spiritual dry spell lifting from my soul. It was like my heart was made of stone, and God finally touched it, and the stone shattered and I could feel the grace just infuse through my body. It was like I had been tense for months, and I could finally breathe and take a sigh of relief. I choked on the words of the hymn and tried so hard not to bawl like a little baby. Like the words of the song said I could finally be at rest because God is always there.

For the first time in months I walked up to receive communion with a happy heart. Again, tears filled my eyes as Fr. Kevin said, "The Body of Christ." My "Amen" was stronger than it has been in a very long time. I could feel the grace from the Eucharist solidify feelings of peace.

As I left church the sun was shining after a long gloomy morning. I knew for a fact that my spiritual dry spell was over because a man dressed up as Santa Claus came in church and "Ho, Ho, Ho'd" right before the final song. No, I am not anti-Santa, but that gimmicky stuff at Mass usually makes me want to tear my hair out. Instead I smiled and found joy in seeing all the little kids' faces light up.

In some ways I wish that I could have gotten over my dry spell at the beginning of Advent so I could have had a more meaningful beginning of the liturgical new year. But Advent is a time of waiting. I have been waiting for Jesus to come to my heart and fill it with grace and he has finally come on this last Sunday of Advent.

I now have a week to really enjoy and appreciate the Christmas season. So this will be my last blog post for awhile. I am going to find joy in wrapping gifts for my loved ones. I will find joy in sewing my husband's Christmas stocking. I will find joy in sitting in the living room with nothing on but the Christmas lights and hold and snuggle my son. I will find joy in giving my husband a kiss when he comes home from work and holding his hand. I will find joy in making cookies and a gingerbread house with my nieces and nephew. I will find joy in singing at Midnight Mass and being with my hometown parish family. I will find joy in sitting around and talking with my family and eating good food. I will find joy in knowing that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and he loves me and will take care of me.

The last song we sang in Mass today was "O Come, Divine Messiah." The refrain verse is, "O Come, Divine Messiah, The world in silence waits the day, when hope shall sing its triumph, and sadness flee away.

Finally, my sadness has fled away.

Many blessings to you and your family! Have a very joyful and merry Christmas!