A couple nights ago I hit rock bottom. Well, maybe not quite rock bottom, but it was pretty darn close.I wouldn't call what I am going through a spiritual dry spell. It feels much worse than that. In my experiences of dry spells I am usually just very lazy and have no motivation to strengthen my relationship with God. This one feels different. I try to pray. I try to pay attention at Mass and make use of the graces I receive. But when I pray, no words come out. When I am at Mass it just sounds like a bunch of meaningless words.
The other night I was bound and determined to have a nice long talk with God. I even set the mood for contemplative prayer. I had my sleeping son in my arms, nothing but Christmas lights on and classical Christmas music playing softly in the background. The scene was beautiful- the lights creating a calming ambiance, the relaxing music, and being all snuggled up, nice and warm, smelling that wonderful baby smell radiating from my sweet boy.
It was the perfect atmosphere for prayer. My son, husband and dog were fast asleep so I didn't have to worry about any distractions. Yet, here I was, searching for the words to use to speak to God. My mind was blank. I have a million and one things I need to pray about, yet nothing came out. It was like God and I were sitting at a table across from each other just staring at each other. We have so much to say, but no one is talking.
After awhile I gave up and went to bed. An hour or so later, Joe woke up to nurse. Usually he falls right back to sleep after he's done but this night he was starting to fuss. I was worried that he would wake up Ryan. Normally Ryan would get up to help, but he had to work the next morning at 6:00 a.m. Thankfully Joe calmed down before he got too loud and I put him in his bassinet.
It was about 30 minutes later, just when I had gotten back to sleep, when Joe started crying again. I picked him up and sat with him in our bed and tried to rock and soothe him. That didn't work. I tried burping him. Nothing. I tried offering my breast again. Maybe he wasn't finished eating after that first feeding. That one really didn't work and he got louder and louder. I was getting so frustrated that I couldn't comfort my child.
Ryan woke up before I had a chance to get out of there. I was so tired and I didn't want to get out of bed. But finally I realized that Joe wasn't going to be comforted in this room so I reached over on my night stand to get my glasses.
I accidentally bumped my glasses and I could hear them fall and skid across the floor. I don't have a lamp next to my bed so I'd have to go searching for them in the dark.
I laid Joe next to Ryan and I tried to move his bassinet so I could get to my glasses. The darn thing wouldn't move. Usually it rolls but one of the wheels was stuck and I couldn't move it. I tried lifting it but it got caught on the carpet. In my frustration I kicked it out of the way. I finally found my glasses. I picked up Joe and started walking out of the room. I nearly tripped over the footstool to the rocking chair and I muttered a curse word into my innocent son's ear. Talk about feeling even crappier about yourself...
I finally made it into the living room. I sat in the recliner where I had sat just hours before. Joe started drifting off to sleep on my shoulder and I held him close. I buried my face into him and let the tears fall. I didn't want to be like this in front of my son. So full of anger and frustration. No happiness or joy on my face. It seems like that is how I've been for quite some time.
I sat in the dark. No pretty Christmas lights or music to lift my spirits. You'd think that here, in one of my darkest hours I would finally get over those stumbling blocks of prayer and be able to reach out to God.
No such luck.
I've had a couple of days to reflect on my actions and attitude. Nothing has really changed. Sometimes the only prayer I can get out is, "Lord give me faith" over and over again. I guess that is better than nothing.
I want to be the best Catholic woman I can possibly be. I feel like I am failing miserably at that goal. I compare myself to others way too much. I observe on facebook and other blogs of these awesome holy women. They pray rosaries, they go to Bible studies, they have nightly prayer devotions with their husbands. They seem so incredibly happy. I remember a conversation I had with a friend when we were discussing those people who just seem to be bursting with happiness all the time. "There's no way they can be that happy," she said. I agreed... to a point. I've seen these people. And most of the time they are devout Christian. I know their life isn't perfect. Maybe they aren't happy 100% of the time, but they are at peace. I know this to be true, because I was like that at one point- when it was easy to talk to God and not be ashamed to be called his daughter.
I know many people have the same troubles of feeling like God doesn't hear their prayer. I have felt like that for months. I feel like a little kid tugging on my Daddy's shirt, desperate for any kind of attention. "Father! God!" I yell, but he's too busy showering graces and blessings on his other children to really notice me. He pats me on the head and says, "Just a minute" but like a toddler I have no patience.
I once read a post about women who prayed to St. Gerard, patron of expectant mothers, and they shared their good news of being able to avoid a c-section or having a wonderful natural childbirth. I got jealous. I had prayed to St. Gerard not to get pre-eclampsia and begged not to have a c-section and look what I ended up with. Sure, during my long process of induction I told God that he had control of my body and that I trusted him, but deep down I was begging that a miracle would happen and my cervix would open up and I could have the birth I wanted. I thought I had enough faith in that miracle, so when things didn't go as planned I was upset. Did God not have enough faith in me that I could handle a natural childbirth? Does he not think I will be a good mother to 4 or 5 kids so he made it so that achieving that number will be more difficult since more than likely I will have to have repeat c-sections?
I get mad when I don't get my way. Then I get pissed off at myself because I realize how damn selfish I am being. MY SON IS HEALTHY. Sure, I had some blood pressure complications after his birth, but they went away and I am healthy too. Why must I insist on focusing on the negative and forget about the blessings? I have tons of good things in my life to be thankful for and has answered my prayers before.
Why can't I be like those perpetually joyful people instead of a Negative Nancy? Last December, a college classmate of mine lost her baby son when he was only 24 weeks gestation. Her facebook status was always positive and showed her up most faith in the Lord. "Praising God in the storm!" was one of her statuses, and I couldn't believe her unshakable faith. Here I am complaining about having a c-section when there are women out there who would kill for a c-section if it meant that they could have a living and breathing baby in their arms. I want to be like her- I want people to say "Wow, she has such great faith." I want to be an inspiration.
Maybe I don't pray enough. Maybe my side of the relationship between God and me is so screwed up. But I've prayed and prayed for certain things to happen and they haven't yet. I know that God doesn't answer yes to all prayers and in our suggested time frame. However, we haven't received ANY direction from him. My husband and I feel like we are at a dead end and waiting for God to tell us what to do next, and he hasn't. It is taking a toll on me. I feel utterly depressed and in despair sometimes. This isn't a depression that can be fixed with the Zoloft I am already taking for postpartum... it's a depression only felt when it seems like your Father in Heaven has forgotten about you.
What really upsets me is that I'm afraid that if I don't live up to be a good Catholic woman, then I will fail as a good Catholic mother. A couple weeks ago I received my magazine issue of Family Foundations from Couple to Couple League. I flipped though it and there was an article about Advent family activities. I got excited about the possibilities of doing faith-filled activities with Joe someday.
I look at my friends' pictures on facebook and some of them are so beautiful they bring tears to my eyes. One woman has pictures of her young sons playing with rosaries. She's also baked a rosary out of cupcakes and made saint cookies. Another friend of mine has pictures of her little boys playing Mass. I've read blogs of women whose daughters are very interested in learning the faith.
I know Joe is a little too young to start his interest in Catholicism. So far in his 14 weeks of life he's only missed Mass twice- one of the Sundays he was still in the hospital after he was born and the other was when he was really sick. He used to always snooze during Mass, but now he is usually awake in a quiet alert state. We've had a lot of comments on how well-behaved he is. I'm sure that won't last forever! I also read to him a children's rhyming Bible he got for his baptism, but that's pretty much it when it comes to exposing him to the faith.
But when he is old enough to understand, what kind of role model will I be for him? How can I teach him to love the faith when right now I feel so troubled by it? How can we have family rosary time if I don't ever pray the rosary now? How can I teach him to love Scripture when I rarely crack open a Bible? How can I teach him to pray when my prayer life stinks? How can I teach him to be a happy person, when I feel depressed all the time?
I don't want to half-way parent in any area: in my child's health, education, emotions and especially in their faith formation. But since I can't take care of myself in these areas all the time, how can I take care of a child's? I want to have a lot of kids. I want to glorify God. I want to make a difference. But how can I when I feel so far away from Him?
In the end, I know things will work out. I am definitely learning the meaning of waiting during this Advent season. If I don't have faith in God, then I have nothing.
14 comments:
You describe all women who are longing to grow in their Catholic faith.
You mentioned a key factor: peace. Sometimes that peace is illusive. It is for all of us.
You are planting seeds. Now you need time for the seeds to grow. It takes time...with lots of dry spells and then lots of torrential showers in between.
Sometimes, God just wants us to be silent. Sometimes, prayers doesn't come in words. The longing for God is a form of prayer. That is HIS grace working in your heart.
That fact that you recognize all you wrote about is a sign that His grace is definitely at work in your heart.
Peace and patience. Quiet and stillness. Longing for it is a form of living it.
Keep up the good work!!!
I have three children, expecting my 4th. First, you have to address the fact that you had a baby bomb dropped in to your life. Such a blessing but a big change. Your body is still getting used to having the baby and all of the demands it places on you. Give yourself a break. I became a better Catholic because I am a mother. Its so tough. But that brings us closer to God. If all was perfect we wouldnt need him would we?
No advice other than to continue seeking and desiring to know and follow God, the answers come in time. Hugs!!
Ok, this is EXACTLY what happened to my after my first was born. I was blessed to have a Catholic, NFP only OBGYN.
She told me, "Holly, this is often what I hear from Catholic women going through a bit of post pardom" Ummmm WHAT? HOw could that be, I am blessed, I prayed for this gift!! But, you have to remember that EVERY part of your life has changed now - and that means your prayer life. AS a mom with little kids, prayer is not found in those beautiful quite moments that used to be perfect when we were single and before kids. You are a CAtholic women when you change a diaper, get up in the night and go back to practicing NFP with your hubby when a small part of you thinks you would DIE if you got preggo right now! Some days are wonderful and you feel wonderful in your vocation - and some days are really hard and you CAN'T do it for your man or your kids - but you still do it. You feed the baby, the clean the kitchen - that becomes your prayer life! You do it for the baby Jesus on the days you can't do it for anyone else.
Give yourself a break and some time to make this adjustment.
You are a wonderful mom, wife and Catholic!
Maggie,
Obviously I haven't had my baby yet. But I like what Holly said. In some sense, our life as mothers is our prayer. At least, I'd like to think that's true, and hopefully I'll be able to keep it in mind when I want to bang my head against a wall.
You said:
"Why can't I be like those perpetually joyful people instead of a Negative Nancy?"
I've yet to meet a perpetually joyful person. If I did, I'd probably want to kick her. :P
I don't have any profound insight, as my prayers these days are "Keep the baby healthy, and please let her come soon!". Having the Magnificat has been somewhat helpful; it gives you a set out morning/evening prayer. Even if I'm not really feeling it, I can do one of those and know at least I've done something, even if it's only ten minutes.
PS. For what its worth, I was inspired by your birth story and the way that you did surrender your body to God's will and for your baby. It was heroic. :)
what a gorgeous post...
i totally agree with the first commenter in that prayer me has often been groanings, or silent tears...
Words are hard to come by sometimes...
& whether we get that feeling of peace - that *feeling* of being heard or not - it doesn't change the fact that He *does hear you* - even in your bewildered state.
(followed a link from another's blog here - just a stranger :)
I have to second (third, fourth) what the other commenters have said about having a "baby bomb" dropped in your life. I remember when my daughter was the age your son is now; I really felt, deep down, like my life as I'd known it was destroyed (and I struggled with these horrible, guilt-inducing feelings that I'd "ruined my life" by having her). This from a girl who had longed her *entire* life to be nothing more than a mom! But once she was actually born, all I could see was how inadequate I felt as a mother, and how my life was just not what I wanted it to be anymore. Looking back, I now can see how much of that was hormones, and also a reaction to the huge transition - arguably the biggest of all transitions - a person will go through.
But, it gets better. For now I'd say, as others have, do what you need to do each day, and let that be your prayer. There is a steep adjustment curve to having a baby in the house: cut yourself some slack! You'll find time as he grows to incorporate more faith stuff in; for now, what he needs the very most is to develop and revel in a trusting relationship with you. If you haven't read it, can I suggest tracking down a copy of "Breastfeeding and Catholic Motherhood" by Sheila Kippley? I found that book to say a lot of what I needed to hear, in those early months of trying to regain my spiritual footing.
Also, I'd like to mention that, in my own experience, what is passed on from parent to child is the *practice* of the faith. No matter how you feel inside, if you keep bringing him to Mass, teach him prayers as he grows, teach him about Jesus and the Sacraments and the Church, and live the faith yourself, that's what's going to matter. As Catholics, we're fortunate to believe that our actions have real meaning regardless of what our feelings are; we can be dry as dust (look at Mother Teresa, who lived for years in a state of dryness!) but still have our actions bear fruit. It isn't emotionally pleasant, but it doesn't mean you're going to be a failure as a mom.
And, I can positively tell you that 6 months from now (and probably much sooner) it's going to get a lot better. You're going to find a rhythm in caring for your son, and balancing all that needs to be done; you'll find that your mind will begin to expand back out of the "baby cocoon" or "baby haze" that the first several months brings. It was months after my daughter was born before I really began to have an interest or the ability to concentrate on any of the things I'd enjoyed before she arrived, but once I did, the world tilted into a slightly different, very manageable version of the old normal.
Finally - now isn't the time to worry about it anyway - but, while I don't know the exact circumstances surrounding your son's birth, I do know that VBACs are becoming more and more supported and encouraged. A friend of mine just recently went through this herself, after a failed induction led to c-section with her first son, she managed a VBAC with her second despite a lot of odds against her (another induction, only 15 mos between the births, epidural, etc). So let God hold the worries about your future babies.
I'll be praying for you! Hang in there. You'll (thankfully!) never have to go through the "first time mom" adjustment ever again :)
Thank you so much for your honesty. Some days I struggle with a lot of the same questions, but I think that if I just get married or have kids, it will all be taken care of. Intellectually, I know that's not true, but sometimes the "perpetually joyful" people make you think that.
"Lord give me faith."
That might be the absolute best prayer that I have ever heard of in my life. When it's all you've got, it's the best possible prayer.
Maggie - I will pray for you. Being a new mom is never easy. There is so much going on. And I agree with what someone else said - sometimes God wants/expects simple silence. It's kind of like my husband and me...we don't have to fill every minute with conversation. Sometimes, we can "just be" with each other. I like to think that someday I will have that kind of relationship with God. I don't know if I'm there yet...but I hope that someday, I can just be happy (or at peace) with all of God's blessings.
You are a strong woman and even if it turns out that a large family is not what's in store for you, or if it is...always look to the Lord and ask for His will to be done...I know it's difficult...certainly His will for my life isn't what I envisioned for myself...but that's why His will is perfect and I have to try and mold my desires to fit His.
Take care. And keep praying...whether silently or aloud...seeking His will for you and your family.
I've been there, Maggie, and am still there in some ways. Yet, I keep showing up for Mass, for prayer, even when words fail me or it feels meaningless. That counts for something. Remember that.
Remember this, too: The Prince of Peace came to us in a dirty, smelly stable. The first Christmas night was far from perfect, but His love was. We don't need to be perfect. Our prayers don't need to be perfect. We need to accept our humanity and accept His perfect love.
I'll say a prayer for you. Darkness often comes before the brightest of light. Sorry for the pontificating. Shamelessly, I admit it's as much as for you as it is for myself. :-)
I wish I could give you a hug! It's easier said than done, but try not to compare to other people, maybe you are just not a perpetually joyful person, I know I'm not. Maybe your faith is more of a quiet groaning, than a cupcake making rosary praying celebration, I know mine is. Maybe some women would kill to have a C-section birth, but others would be devastated to go through such a tough labor and delivery as you had too, I know I would have been if that had been my first birth!
You are a wonderful wife and mommy just the way you are. You feed your little baby, you snuggle him at night even when you are half-asleep and stumbling over things. You get up every day and work to care for 3 people. You are amazing. Give yourself room to grieve the fact that you didn't have the birth you wanted, that is hearbreaking. Grieve that you feel as though God is not listening, sometimes it is so so hard to hear him. It is OK to cry and be sad, and these are very common emotions after going through pregnancy, labor and birth. Especially when that labor and birth did not go as you had hoped!
I am starting to believe that God loves us the way we love our babies. Do you love Joe any less when he is sick? When he wakes up again and again at night? When he spits up all over your clothes? Would you love him more if he never made a fuss at Mass or if he smiled more often? God loves you the way you love Joe. Yes he appreciates the Rosaries and prayers, but he is just as honored by you nursing your baby. Yes he loves it when his children are happy and smiling, but he is just as concerned when his children are sick or sad and he can do nothing about it.
Life changes and drama come and go, and time is your friend. Someday the baby that wakes up screaming in the night will be a child that sleeps soundly, and someday the prayers that can't quite come to you now, will come easily.
I'm currently pregnant and this baby will be my 4th c-section in five years. My first baby was found to be breech after I'd been in labor for hours and my second labor never progressed despite hours of pitocin. I so understand all your disappointment and jealousy and anger about the birth not going the way you wanted it to be. I've been there. I'm going there again in two months. I look forward to seeing my new son when he is born but dread the operation and recovery.
Right now your hormones are probably out of whack. You're probably sleep-deprived. What new mom isn't? But it won't be this way forever. Go easy on yourself.
What you write about feeling like you're failing, failing in prayer and in being a good mother and all that... I have been there more than a few times in the past five years. For me it hits more during pregnancy than postpartum period-- though I get a bit of it then too-- but oh does it hit!
A wise friend of mine once wrote that these early years of motherhood are about asceticism. About coming to the end of ourselves and our illusion of being in control. We learn how to pray not from a feeling of being close to God as much as realizing how desperately we need him. Perhaps He has withdrawn those feelings of closeness from you now because He is teaching you to call on Him in the darkness and to have faith even when you cannot see Him or feel His presence. To persist in prayer even when the words feel empty is perhaps a sacrifice that is more pleasing to Him than to pray when you are buoyed by an emotional high. I've hit bottom in my prayer life so many times. Feel like such a failure, feel so far from God. And yet it is in those times when I am weakest that I have learned the most about trusting in Him, moving forward in blind faith.
As another commenter said, you will be a wonderful Catholic mother. What you have written here says to me about you more than anything is how full of longing for God you are. Your fervent desire to pass on your faith to your son will lead you even when you feel like you are wandering in a dark valley.
Believe me, for the first half dozen years of your son's life the family rosary will be a very chaotic thing, two year-olds and four year-olds don't sit still or pray along quietly. Teaching children to pray, teaching them to know God and to love Him is about persistence and repetition than about perfect execution. Even if you miss more than a month of Masses when your son is a teething toddler-- yeah that happened to me-- you will eventually find a groove. Even if you don't feel it in your heart you will tell him how much God loves him.
And you know what, the first time you hear him say "Jesus" or watch him make the attempt to cross himself, you will feel God's love for you in the most amazing way. I have learned more about God from my children than they have learned from me. I am constantly humbled and awestruck by what a natural capacity my children have for faith. They learn it like they learn to eat, to crawl, to walk, to talk. All it takes is a little bit of example from you and they do the rest.
You'll be in my prayers.
Maggie, I second what CM said "Lord give me faith." might just be one of the best prayers I've ever heard of. I so understand what you mean about seeing others and wondering how they seem to do it - always seeming holy, with holy children and holy husbands, and joyful at that.
I also can so relate to not knowing/reading scripture often enough. I'm taking the plunge and committing to a Bible in 90 days program starting after the 1st of the year. I don't know where I'll 'find' the time, but I'm committed to 'making the time' and doing the reading. I'm hoping this well help to 'jump start' my prayer life as well. This may not be the answer for you - I'm also intrigued by the by the Magnifact that Sarah mentions.
All this to say, I will be praying for you friend.
I know it's been awhile since you wrote this post but I just had to comment. I am a Catholic SAHM with 3 girls ages 10, 8, and 1. When I read your post, I thought "That was me 10 years ago after having my 1st dd." I had all same feelings and dreams of being a good and holy Catholic mom. (I still do but my picture of what that looks like has changed dramatically!!) I had to bring the pretty pictures in my head down to a more realistic level.
I desperately needed a mentor. A older Catholic mom whose been there, done that to give me advice. I didn't end up finding her until 6 months ago but you can meet her too because she has this fabulous blog that she shares with her grown daughters (one of whom just had her first son in December). Her blog is full of practical advice on parenting, raising good Catholic kids, family devotions, cooking, house cleaning, prayer etc. The best part is that she doesn't put up a picture perfect front that I think some blogs do that seem so impossible to attain. She admits that life is messy, difficult, confusing and so not perfect but she helps you see the divine in the everyday.
Check it out....http://ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.com/
I don't blog myself. I don't have time but I love reading other blogs for encouragement and advice. God bless you and your family!
Lisa C.
lisac812@yahoo.com
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