Not Getting My VBAC

Yesterday I had my six week postpartum checkup. Everything was pretty routine. My incisicion is healing perfectly. My doctor answered some of my questions. We talked about possibly switching NFP methods. It was a pretty boring appointment.

When we left I felt kind of sad. When you go to the doctor's office as much as you do when you're pregnant you form relationships and familiarity with the doctor and staff. It is all bittersweet. I absolutely love being pregnant and I cherish all the changes my body goes through. The six week checkup marks the end of the pregnancy journey and the start of something new. I get kind of sad leaving that part of my life behind.

Of course with the end of this chapter I reflect back on these last months. My pregnancy was awesome. I did not get pre-eclampsia, and for that I am so thankful. I didn't get the annoying pregnancy carpal-tunnel syndrome like I did with Joe. I was a little distressed at looking like a fat cow, but other than that, my pregnancy was perfect.

However, when I look at the delivery aspect of my pregnancy, I get a tad bit distressed about not getting my VBAC. I went into my c-section with a great sense of peace and excitement. It was a wonderful and happy experience. But now, with my mix of post partum hormones and sensitivity, I have a lot of "what ifs" floating around in my head.

What if I had just waited a little longer? But the truth is, I did not want to wait longer. I was very paranoid at something going wrong. I know the chances of that happening were very small, but I was very uneasy. Plus, I wanted to see my son! According to the ultrasound almost a week before my c-section he was 41 weeks. He was cooked.

What if I would have done more exercises to stretch out my hips? What if I would have gone to a chiropratctor to get adjusted? Would Sam have been able to engage in my pelvis? Who knows.

What if I had picked a different VBAC-friendly doctor? Maybe he or she would have worked with me more to get Sam to drop. But I am pretty satisfied with my doctor. He did not pressure me with anything and let me wait a few more days to see if I would go into labor on my own.

I will admit I have feelings of disappointment of not getting a VBAC. I feel like my body failed me. I so badly wanted that experience of a vaginal delivery. I prayed so very hard for it to happen. I prayed to God, telling him I wanted to experience the same pain and joy that the Blessed Mother felt when she gave birth to her son, and the same feelings my mother and grandmother and her mother before her felt when they gave birth. I wanted to unite my suffering and pain with Christ's. (Even though I didn't experience labor pains, there are many pains associated with recovering from a c-section.) I wanted to experience the awesomeness of the female body- the way God designed it to bear all that pain and bring a brand new person in the world.

I prayed novenas to St. Gerard. I went to confession. I went to adoration. I prayed hard. Still, in my prayers I stressed that I wanted God's will to happen, and if it was his will for me to have a c-section then I wanted peace. He definitely answered my prayers because I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and calm going into my c-section. Who knows, perhaps if I would have gotten my way and delivered vaginally something bad could have happened. Maybe Sam would have gotten stuck in the birth canal and suffered brain damage. Maybe I would have hemoragged. Maybe my old c-section incision would have ruptured and Sam or I could haved died or I would have my uterus removed. Cord prolapse, placental abruption... there are many risks. If any of those horrible things would have happened I would still being playing the "what if" game, but this time it would have been in the midst of devastation.

But the selfish part of me still thinks that anything is possible with God- couldn't he have given me a miracle? But there's a reason for everything he does, and it is ulimately good. I might not know the reasoning until I get to heaven.

I find myself kicking myself for feeling disappointed for having a c-section. I know it's not logical for me to feel so bad. I am healthy. Sam is healthy. There are women out there who would kill for a c-section if it meant holding a child of their own in their arms. It's hard to explain why I feel so crummy, but after a lot of thought, I think I have pinpointed it.

Vagnial births are the most ideal way to give birth. It's the way God designed it. So in some ways it seems like c-sections are a lesser way of giving birth. It's as if giving birth has become a badge of honor, and you only get that badge if you give birth naturally and vaginally. There are advocates that cry out for more VBACs and less c-sections. I whole heartedly agree with this, but some of these advocates make me feel like a fool. I'm a fool for trusting my doctor and having faith in the medical system. Some of these advocates make me feel less of a woman. Well, I take that back. They make me feel less of a strong woman.

The best way I can compare having a c-section birth vs. vaginal birth is with breast-feeding vs. formula feeding. You see everywhere BREAST IS BEST. I'm pretty sure if I did formula feed I would feel awful seeing and hearing that everywhere I went. Women who formula feed for whatever reason are choosing the best- that is to feed and nourish their baby. I think those advocates for breastfeeding make it sound superior and if you don't breastfeed then you're a horrible mother. Just like some advocates making vaginal birth sound superior and if you have a c-section that isn't medically necessary then you are less of a mother and woman. I feel like the way I brought my son into the world is cheapened.

I know some advocates in birth are fighting for women to have more choices. There should be more VBAC doctors and less rules and regulations against VBACs. But a woman should not feel judged for her choices. If she wants to be induced, support and love her. If she wants an epidural, support and love her. If she chooses not to have a VBAC because she is scared of the risks and opts for a repeat c-section instead, support and love her. If a woman wants a home-birth, love and support her. As long as she is not doing anything to harm herself or her baby, love and support her. If a woman chooses to formula feed her baby, love and support her. Don't try to be a medical professional and shove down their throats the risks of this and the benefits of that. The information is out there for a woman to learn. Yes, we can offer information. But don't undermine a woman's decision when it comes to her birth choices.

Hopefully this makes sense. I am a very sensitive person. When someone tells me my doctor shouldn't be worried about how the baby isn't engaged I get confused and angry because I trust my doctor is doing the best thing for my baby and me. When somebody says "Thank God I didn't get a c-section" it makes me feel like the way I brought my child into the world is a negative thing.

I can say this- I am handling this c-section MUCH better than I did my last. I had some serious emotional trauma with Joe's birth and that's probably why I have such complex issues with c-sections in general. But I was prepared this time and I knew I tried hard to get my VBAC. I waited as long as  felt comfortable and tried a lot of things to get Sam to come out naturally. And prayed my patootie off and I know what happened was God's will, so why question it?

Our next baby will be a c-section unless God has different plans. I'm sure with time I will get over my c-section hangups. We have decided that we will NOT find out the gender of our next baby. There won't be any surprises of my water breaking, or how long it takes me to dilate or how long it takes to push out the baby or if she or he will come on the due date. But there will be a surprise of if the baby is a girl or boy. I will be bursting with anticipation of the doctor announcing "It's a _____ !"

I've said this before- giving birth is just a small piece of the puzzle of motherhood. But giving birth seems to have become competitive and a breeding ground for judgement and self-pride. Can't we just view all birth choices as the way God does- beautiful and miraculous.

Meeting Joe

Meeting Sam