Pregnancy Body Image and Pre-Eclampsia Fears

Last Friday I reached the 30 week mark in my pregnancy. Never before have I looked at my ankles so much. 

Why? 

Well, let's take a looksey at what my ankles looked like at 30 weeks in my last pregnancy: 

Yeeeaaaahhh... 

I was at my 30 week point when I started to swell significantly. I knew it looked bad at the time, but when I look back at photos I am in complete shock. Oddly enough, my blood pressure was perfect when I started to swell. It wasn't until 38 weeks that my blood pressure spiked. 

I have big fears about getting pre-eclampsia again. It is super serious and can be deadly. That part has always scared the living bejesus out of me. But it also took away some of the joy of bring a new life into the world. It was hard to bond with Joe because I was in such bad shape. After his birth, all the attention was directed toward me because my blood pressure was spiraling out of control. I would have rather had attention for birthing a freaking adorable baby boy. I was confined to the bed and recovering from a c-section and dealing with the nurses freaked out looks every time they took my blood pressure. It was not enjoyable.

I thank God I didn't really feel any of the affects of high blood pressure. There were no headaches, no spots in my vision. I did feel anxious but that's because I was afraid I was going to die and I also had to worry about keeping an infant who totally depended on me alive. It was a rough experience physically and emotionally. 

I've talked with my previous OB and my current OB about my guilt that I brought pre-eclampsia on myself. They both assured me that I had not. They have seen women who are perfectly healthy, eating all organic, and working out everyday getting pre-eclampsia. 

I still resolved that I would not follow the same habits I did when I was last pregnant. For breakfast I would eat Cap'n Crunch or some other high-sugar cereal. Now I eat Multi-grain Cheerios. For lunch and supper I would usually eat a can of spaghettios or a Hungry Man frozen dinner because Ryan worked strange hours and I ate by myself. Now for lunch I always have two PB&J's. Since Ryan works regular hours we always have a home-cooked meal for supper. It's not all natural or organic, but it's not from a can. In my last pregnancy my snacks usually consisted of oatmeal cream pies, sour cream and onion chips and popsicles. Now I snack on fruit, cheese, granola bars and fruit snacks. My before-bedtime snack used to consist of practically a whole bag of mini chocolate donuts and a big glass of chocolate milk. Now it's usually fruit. Lately it's been applesauce. 

In my previous pregnancy I did not exercise at all. I remember at around 13 weeks, when the weather started getting nice, I attempted to walk everyday but I got bad shin splints. Instead of working through them or trying another exercise I just gave up. The only activity I really did was clean house. This pregnancy I've been trying to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Of course I'm a lot more active chasing around a crazy toddler. 

I could be doing better. I could be eating more in moderation. I could be exercising a little harder. I've still gained a nice amount of weight. But I think I'm doing a lot better than last time. Here is my ankle at 30 weeks this pregnancy: 

If you ignore the super-sexy flip flop tan line you can see I STILL have ankles! Although, I like my flip flop tan line because it is proof I am going outside and being active and I'm still wearing my trusty old size 6 flip flops. In my last pregnancy I had to search for a size 7 around 25 weeks because my feet were swelling that much. 

I really credit doing Weight Watchers before I got pregnant. I was overweight when I got pregnant with Joe, but with this baby I was in a healthy weight range when we conceived. Weight Watchers also taught me how to eat better and I've carried most of it into this pregnancy. 

A lot of people have commented on how good I look. Some people have said when they look at me straight on they can't even tell I'm pregnant (I think they need their eyes checked, but it has happened on three different occasions.) It's nice to get compliments instead of what I got in my last pregnancy. "Wow, I didn't recognize you! Your face is so full!" Not a good idea to say that to a hormonal pregnant lady.

I feel a lot better this pregnancy. Last time I was so tired and big and swollen that it hurt to walk around and even get out of my chair. My feet would hurt so bad. I waddled very early in my pregnancy. Not this time. Thank goodness for that because Joe needs me. 

I've been somewhat obsessive this time around of my appearance. Most of it is because of my fears of pre-eclampsia. There are times after a very busy, hot day my feet have swollen a little and I freak. I immediately take my blood pressure with our home monitor and it's always perfect. I'm constantly asking my husband if my ankles look swollen.

There are times I look at other pregnant women and am so jealous. It looks like they just stuffed a basketball under their shirt. I've gotten pleasantly plump all over and it upsets me sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm the only pregnant woman that compares her body to other pregnant women. I hate reading on BabyCenter.com the message board posts of how much weight a woman has gained in her pregnancy. I did get a little neurotic about how much weight I was gaining at the beginning of this pregnancy. There was one month I had a big jump and my jaw dropped. The nurse just laughed and said this was my month to get the big leap in weight. I didn't believe her and mentioned my concerns to my doctor. He told me he wasn't worried about it. Now I am trying to stop stressing so much.

I look in the mirror and get a little stressed about my plump face, my chubby arms, and my growing badonkadonk. But then I look at my huge belly and know that there is a reason for all this. I remember "bargaining" with God at the beginning of this pregnancy. I told him I would rather have all the aches and pains and constipation and stretch marks and I'd gladly gain 70 lbs if I could be spared from pre-eclampsia or any other dangerous pregnancy condition. I know you aren't supposed to bargain, but I thought I'd try.

I got really upset when I would read or hear people make fun of Jessica Simpson when she was pregnant. Because when I saw pictures of her, I saw me (just less stylish and less make-up.) Why do we judge other women, especially when they are growing a person? Why do we compare how much weight we've gained in pregnancy? I know she gave birth to a pretty big baby girl, but as far as I know, there were no complications. Did she feel insecure like me? Did she feel like people were talking negatively behind her back? 

I know that pregnancy isn't always pretty or beautiful. It can be scary and really take a toll on a woman. I'm not saying that I hate pregnancy. It's just hard to give up control to God. It's hard to put your pride on the back burner because not all women are built the same in pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be so vain about my appearance, but it gets scary because I associate getting bigger with swelling and getting pre-eclampsia.

It's kind of funny how I word my prayers to St. Gerard. Of course I ask him for his intercession for a healthy baby, but I also ask him to remind me to drink more water, to find the motivation to exercise and to lay off the fast food. 

So far I think he's getting through to me. :-)

VBAC Hopes and Fears

***I could have sworn I hit publish on Friday, when I inteded for this post to go out. I was beginning to wonder why I wasn't getting any comments (I'm a comment whore) and I came back to realize I didn't publish this!***

Today I enter my third trimester of pregnancy. I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has gone! I guess the days before Joe just dragged on and I had little distraction!

This past week I have been experiencing some new and different pains. I am experiencing some major Braxton Hicks. I thought I knew what they felt like from my pregnancy with Joe, but these are much more noticeable. My hips have been super sore, especially on my right side. And the most bizarre pain? This might be TMI, but I have had some very sharp, stabbing pains in my cervix/vaginal area. It feels like this little baby is trying to knife his way out. I never felt that before.

I consulted Dr. Google and these pregnancy symptoms are pretty common and nothing really to worry about. In fact, they are all pretty much indicators that my body is preparing for labor. And this might sound crazy, but I am actually welcoming these pains, because I want my body to be in prime condition to have a successful VBAC.

I had an appointment with my OB this week and I touched base with him in regards to me attempting a VBAC. He is really supportive and basically wants me to do what I feel comfortable with. I expressed concern with having a big baby and he said we won't really know until the last few weeks of pregnancy. He also said he has faith in his mothers to be able to tell if they are having a big baby. He raved about the labor and delivery nurses and how much of a support they would be. I left the appointment feeling very at peace.

I have been thinking and praying about having a VBAC since basically an hour after Joe was born. My first fear was the major risks a woman takes when trying a VBAC. The biggest risk is uterine rupture. That could result in death of the mother and/or the baby. It could also mean losing my uterus and any chance of having future children would be gone. Those risks scared me greatly. Would trying to have a vaginal delivery really be worth that? I prayed often that I make the right decision. I did my research. As of right now, I feel at ease and at peace of at least attempting a VBAC. There are risks, but the chances of those risks happening are very small. There are risks with having a c-section as well. My doctor seems to have a very level head. He isn't overly VBAC, but he is also very open to them and not pushy with c-sections. He and I are on the same page of having an open mind of what could happen.

I have been thinking about labor and delivery for a couple weeks. I still ache for that experience. A college friend of mine had her daughter a few weeks ago and she had pictures on Facebook of meeting her daughter and holding her right after she came out. The photos were beautiful. Meeting my son was just as beautiful, but it was just.. different. I wasn't the first one to see him. My doctor, husband, and about four nurses saw him and touched him before I did. I don't know why I have such a hang-up on this aspect of my birthing experience. I guess when you have something play over and over in your head for years and years and it not happen, it is just hard to handle.

I wrote a blog post when Joe was about 10 1/2 months old about my struggles with my c-section. I have healed even more since then. I still get a little jealous of hearing about amazing natural birth stories, but for the most part that devastating feeling has passed. I know it had to be done or Joe and myself could have died. God has a plan for everything.

I think what bothers me the most now is how some people out there seem to view a c-section. It is looked at with in such a negative way. After Joe was born I had a couple of people say to me, "Sorry you had to have a c-section." I know they meant nothing bad by it, but it just made me feel like a failure as a woman who just gave birth. There are women out there who are convinced there are more c-sections because the doctor is just too lazy to stick around for a very long labor or because the doctor wants to cash in because they get more money for c-sections. Pardon my French, but I think that is all complete bullshit. I am sure there are some doctors out there who are not as caring as others, but there is a reason you research your doctor and do a meet-and-greet before you labor with them.

Why is giving birth in a tree hut with monkey jungle music and candles the best way to birth? I'm even getting annoyed at those who look down upon those women who do deliver vaginally with an epidural. Does that make them wimps? Does ending up with a c-section make a woman a failure? Do these things make the birth less joyous or beautiful? Well, there are some opinions and ideas floating out there that make it seem this way.

I am keeping an open mind. If my blood pressure skyrockets again and I have to have a c-section, then I'm ready for it. At least I know what to expect and I will know that it is for the best.

I still have fears. I fear that if I do attempt a trial of labor and push and not progress and end up with a c-section that I will be depressed again. I fear that I will feel like I really failed. But I really don't think I will go down that road, because if I do get to feel the contractions and the sensation of pushing then I'll know that I tried my damndest to have a vaginal delivery. What bothered me the most with my c-section is not getting any of that experience whatsoever.

I am not afraid of uterine rupture. I am afraid of other things associated with vaginal delivery. I'm afraid he'll get stuck and not be able to breathe. I'm afraid of cord prolapse or the cord being wrapped around his neck. But those things are out of my control and I put my trust in God and my doctor and nurses.

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone. I am doing a lot better physically than I was with my pregnancy with Joe. First of all, I wasn't overweight when I got pregnant. I've been very active and eating better. I could barely get up out of the recliner at this point in my last pregnancy. I am starting to feel the aches and pains, but they aren't nearly as bad as before. Hopefully that will help in a successful VBAC.

I've been praying frequently that I open myself up to God's will. It may be that God does not intend for me to have a vaginal birth. Of course I would love to have that experience, but God knows best. I want to make the best decisions, so if you all could shoot up a prayer or two for me in regards to this whole VBAC thing, I'd appreciate it! :-)