I never thought I would think those nerve-wracking days of having a newborn would seem like cake compared to dealing with Joe as a 19 month old.
There are things I expect out of a toddler boy. Just this weekend he took a shovel and started using it as a spoon to eat dirt. He licked the bubble wand repeatedly. He picked up a spider and handed it to me. He climbed up on the dining room table and stood proudly. He climbed on anything and everything he could. He had a runny nose and would rub it everywhere. He rubbed dirt in his hair. He rubbed macaroni and cheese in his hair. He screamed. He threw rocks. He looked gross, but it is everything I dreamed about with having a little boy.
Yummy dirt
Insisting on climbing it himself...
Yes, he threw that.
However, these last few weeks have become quite the challenge. Joe used to be a wild child, but now he is a pure challenge. Starting at around 16 months he got a little more rambunctious. Going to Mass became a challenge. Going out to eat was a chore. Now these things are becoming practically impossible. Since we have moved I think I've called my mom every single day in tears. I thought that was supposed to happen in the first few months of becoming a mother.
Every little thing is a challenge with Joe. He fights and squirms at nearly every diaper change. It is a two person job. He hates being in the high chair. He barely eats anything I give him, unless it is junk food. Giving him medicine is a struggle. Giving him a bath is practically impossible. There are times he constantly wants to be held which is getting harder and harder for me with my pregnancy. He won't sit still and just play or read. He has to be on the run. That means I have to be on the run. We've child-proofed the crap out of this place, but he still manages to find a way to nearly break his neck. I know that parenting isn't a job one does sitting down, but just one hour with this kid and I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.
Oh, and his scream. My Lord in heaven, he has a scream that puts Justin Bieber's fans to shame. It is loud. VERY LOUD. He's been in the screaming habit for quite some time, but I swear it is just getting louder and louder and louder. I've read to either ignore it or redirect him to something that will hopefully cause him to STOP SCREAMING! But now we live in an apartment complex so when he screams I get really really anxious. We haven't gotten any complaints (yet) and I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but it's nerve wracking. And when the neighbors above us are playing their music loud, do we really have the right to ask them to turn it down when I know that Joe's screaming probably disturbs them?
I know the move has probably really screwed with Joe. His schedule was pretty consistent when we lived at my in-law's:
10:00- Quiet time in his crib
11:00- lunch
1:30- snack
2:00- nap
5:00- supper
7:00- bed time
Now sometimes he wouldn't go to sleep right away at 7:00. On rare, difficult nights he would toss and turn until 9:00. But all this predictability is out the window. He naps at random times now. I still have his meal times the same. We've moved his bedtime to 8:00 because summer is around the corner-ish and it is so light outside. But he will not go to sleep. We've laid with him in his bed. He screams to be let out of his room. We lay with him in our bed. He screams to be let out. The only way he will sleep is if he is watching a movie. Even then sometimes he won't fall asleep until 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. I feel like I have no break. It's 6:30 a.m. to sometimes 11:00 of chasing him down, redirecting him, holding him, taking things away from him, stopping him from climbing, scolding him, cleaning up after him.... I am really at my wits end.
The worst part of it all? I really feel like a terrible mother. I am constantly losing my patience with him. I've always kind of prided myself in being a patient mother. When Joe has screamed and cried and had tantrums I've always held my cool. I can count maybe three times where I nearly lost it with him. But ever since we've moved here, I feel like I can't handle motherhood. I know there are deeper issues at hand here. I suffered from a deep depression when I was pregnant with Joe and I thank God I have an OB appointment tomorrow so I can get this issue taken care of. I swear this issue of Joe becoming a huge challenge consumes my mind. I can't get a break because he doesn't nap. Ryan thankfully takes over at night so I can have some "me" time and so I can go to bed early, but I lay in bed awake stewing over making the right choices in mothering Joe and finances, and if I'm really cut out for this SAHM thing.
I hate how I yell at him. I hate how I lose my patience. I hate how nothing seems to work, not even a swat on the hand when he is going for the electrical outlets. I feel so guilty for losing my cool. Moving from a place where he was very familiar to a completely new environment has to be hard on him. He's at that age where he is learning and exploring more and wanting his independence. Just a few days ago, after Joe climbed up his changing table I yelled at Ryan, "How can it be that the newborn stage was so much easier than this stage?!" He answered, "Because these critters think." I shouldn't be so hard on him.
I also feel guilty because there are women out there who would do anything for a child of their own and here I am complaining about my own. There are women who cradle their little toddlers who are suffering from childhood cancer. There are parents who had their children ripped from their arms during the recent tornadoes in Indiana and last year in Joplin. (Ah, geeze, why did I have to even write these sentences. Here come the waterworks...) Why do I constantly focus on the negative about Joe and not think about the joy on his face when he learned how to go down a big boy slide by himself?
Why do I focus on how exhausting it is to be Joe's mother and not the times where he comes running up to me when I'm crying and hugs me and pats my back? He actually wipes away my tears and if he has a binky in his mouth he will take it out and put it in my mouth.
I shouldn't let my anxiety and worry interfere with how I raise my son. But at this point I am confused on HOW to raise him. Joe and I spent the last few days with my mom. She now understands why I call nearly everyday in tears. Her only advice, "This too shall pass." I know this is a normal stage for Joe. I know I am not the only mother who struggles with a stubborn toddler. I know this crazy stage won't last forever and there will just be new challenges down the road. But I am so scared. The decisions I make in regards to discipline and structure will make a difference down the road. I feel like such a lazy mom when I pop in The Muppets for the 100 millionth time because Joe wants to watch it or because I need a moment of silence and peace. I see his comatose face and think that I should be doing more to engage him. I should be doing more. How can I handle two? Am I crazy to think I can handle a big family like Ryan and I have dreamed of?
Being a mother is the most important role I have. And when I feel like I'm failing at it, I feel like I am failing at everything else.
I know it will get better. I know that I am still learning. I just wish I knew what I was doing!
7 comments:
I don't have much to offer in the way of advice; because, well, I'm kind of learning it all myself. But, two things that seem to help us.
1) Consistency. I'm really struggling with this for discipline (Miss Anni has been hitting *a lot* lately), but I think it does help. You are probably right on that the move messed with him a little, but hopefully that will settle down as time goes on. On that, sometimes it's an attention thing for Anni. She'll hit or bite when she's sick of me trying to work and just needs cuddles... so sometimes I need to do that first.
2) You need adult time. Well, I know I do. I didn't realize how much I actually needed time away from Anni in order to be more patient with her. I feel like a bad mom saying it, but I think it's true. I cried a million times leaving her when we went to Ireland, but I came back a lot more able to embrace motherhood. Not saying you need to take a trip to Ireland (although it certainly was lovely ;)), but if he can handle a night without you, drive an hour away and hang out in a hotel with your hubby with all your favorite snacks. Whatever it is, you might just need a breather... and that's okay. I hope talking to your doctor helps with that as well!!!
You are great, for serious! It was good to see you say some of these things (I, too, hate yelling at Anni, but it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only mom to have ever yelled at her toddler) and I'll be praying for you!
Maggie, repeat after me...four is the magical age :) Then they are much more reasonable.
I just chalk up toddlerhood to a whole bunch of fun. Let go of any preconceived notions and just enjoy him. I think what helped me was that I had a newborn baby when my first was 19 months, so I never could really focus *just* on the toddler, I was already being pulled in another direction and the toddler probably had a lot more freedom than he should have, but he turned out fine!
Maggie is our difficult, stubborn toddler, but I think being that she's my fourth I actually KNOW that it does pass, and I can relax about it all.
One little piece of advice is to make sure YOU get a little break every single day. Whether it's taking a walk or running to the grocery store or reading a book or watching tv during nap time or even taking a shower in peace and quiet. As a first time mom I felt like when the baby napped it was my chance to get all the household work done, but now I know much better that I am happier if I sit and watch stupid tv for an hour and then do the dishes while the toddler eats lunch.
Hang in there, pregnancy makes EVERYTHING harder :)
Oh.. Hug. I could have written this post not long ago.
First off, I wanted to say - what you're going through is pretty normal for the age that Joe is at. My daughter was a similar sort of terror at that age. Frankly, she can STILL be that sort of terror on occasion (including doing nearly all the things you listed) at nearly three. But a year ago she was much more apt to bite, hit, kick, etc than she is now.. they do, slowly, grow out of it, and now she will actually say she's sorry, try to make amends, calm down, etc. Just try to remember that sometimes they are as upset by their own emotions as we are.
Anyway, I had just a couple of suggestions to share. Several months ago, I finally got fed up with how things were going, and took a hard look at our life to see what was out of whack. What helped us: 1) setting a (still flexible) naptime/bedtime schedule. I have a really hard time sticking with it, but I've found that when I do so, her circadian rhythms start working in my favor 2) reading up on how to reduce excess stimulation in my child's life - I really liked "Sleepless in America," "The No-Cry Nap Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers," and "Raising your Spirited Child." All three have great suggestions for helping your child get more rest and also cope with overwhelming emotions. 3) Along those lines.. working hard to get my daughter more sleep. I've found that she is just plain miserable to be around if she's overtired. I think she may have been overtired for months on end without my realizing it, and her behavior was totally making me question my abilities as a mom, as you describe. Just changing up a few things, like sticking to a relative schedule, and adopting an enjoyable and fixed bedtime routine (we snuggle up in her bed and read books for a good half hour at naptime and bedtime, and she gets to pick the books as we go along, until she asks to nurse and will promptly fall asleep after that) made a real difference in her behavior. She actually asks to go to bed now, because she enjoys the process so much..
Oh, and 4) This was probably the biggest one for us, and is admittedly tough when you're pregnant, and legitimately need a breather here and there. But we cut ALL media out of our daughter's life (99.9% of the time, anyway). Not like she was watching TV all day or anything - but even though it was small doses, I found that basically any "screen time" (TV or computer) resulted in disrupted sleep, delays in getting to sleep, and most importantly, obnoxiously cranky behavior all day long. She'd really "veg out" while watching TV, and I would take advantage of it because then I could get things done, but I would pay for it the whole rest of the day. It took me awhile to make the connection, because it wasn't like she was acting out negative things from the shows she watched, it was that she just seemed less in control of herself, and hyper-stimulated, after any screen time at all. We went cold turkey, things got much better, TV crept back in here or there, things got worse again.. now even my husband acknowledges that it's just a no-no. We keep the laptop and TV remotes on top of the fridge, and just don't turn either on while she's awake, and it really has made a big difference.. just something that might be worth trying for a few days to see if it helps.
Don't worry too much about having two. You'll "do" it, just the way you did when Joe was little.. maybe by the skin of your teeth, sometimes, but you'll make it through.
Oh, and PS - I lose my cool, too. Way more often than I care to admit. The only remedy I've found is to actively apologize to my daughter every time it happens.. because it holds me accountable, and also because it models what to do when one DOES lose one's cool.
Sorry to ramble. I'll be praying for you!
Boy, it must be these darn pregnancy hormones because I have been feeling very similiarly lately. My patience levels have plummeted to all-time lows and I am an emotional roller-coaster. My husband has no idea how I will react to the simplest question and is walking on eggshells. I don't think my kids are any louder than they were before, it just seems that my ears are more sensitive.
You know, my oldest is 19 YEARS old now!!! and I had no idea about how to discipline nor did I read books about the subject. She is a quite beautiful, well behaved young woman. Don't worry too much about the Muppets being played ad nauseum. If you need a little peace and quiet right now, then don't feel guilty. Enjoy the few minutes of quiet and rejuvenate yourself for the next round of toddlerhood. Hang in there, you are a great mom! Wish we were closer so we could get these little guys together for a playdate.
Hey, Maggie!
I don't think you're being negative at all. I think these thoughts are evidence that you're very involved, caring, loving, and nurturing, and that you have high standards. It might seem like a stretch, but I have similar feelings being a teacher...part of it is always a guessing game. You're doing great!
Peace be with you, friend.
Pregnancy can really be hard on women. Women who already have kids may have it even harder. Throw in the toddler years...yowzer! Your guy is not any different then most of the little guys his age. And it is okay for little ones (that means girls, too) to know when enough is enough. Don't feel guilty for the frustration you are feeling. You were comparing apples to oranges when you compared yourself to moms who have kids that are terminally sick. Let me tell you, even those moms have their fill. I know it is very hard to find time on your own, but when you do, please take it. Being pregnant just makes you feel even more tired which makes not wanting to get out when you do have the chance very appealing. Hang in there. Stay strong and FIRM. Know that this, too, shall pass. You are doing a great job and don't forget it!
Thank you for writing this. I have a similar situation; a toddler and a 4 month old. So I went through the exhaustion of pregnancy while chasing a 19 month old, as well as the guilt I feel when I am chasing after and fussing at my toddler while the baby bouncer rocks my newborn to sleep. I had much more patience with one. I am blessed to have two healthy boys now. We just had a rough evening so reading this post gave me hope. After searching the internet to see if I had in fact broken my child and turned him into a little terror, I realize that the behavior that he exhibits is actually normal. Tomorrow is a new day and I have a plan for my little one. CONSISTENCY.
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